


These Days of Dust

by llmarmalade



Series: This New Sun [1]
Category: Timeless - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Badass Women, Buckle Up it's a bumpy ride, Bunker Team Friendship, Canon Compliant, F/M, For people disappointed with the Season 2 ending, Future Lyatt, Gen, Post Season 2, Suicidal Thoughts, they are all messes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-06-30 22:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 84,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15760944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llmarmalade/pseuds/llmarmalade
Summary: In the aftermath of the tragedy in Chinatown, a broken and demoralized team returns to the present. Without Rufus and with Rittenhouse on their tail they are forced to band together to survive. Healing comes slowly and growing back together isn't easy. (Future Lyatt)





	1. Chapter 1 Wyatt

**Author's Note:**

> It never occurred to me that our lives, which had been so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed.  
> Kazuo Ishiguro  
> Trigger warning: Mention of Depression/Desire to die

It was ironic that his last disguise should have been Rhett Butler. But Wyatt was no Rhett. He was Scarlet. Stupid, pigheaded, passionate and determined to mess up any good thing that entered his life. There were levels of screw up. He had obviously reached each and every one of them. There had been just enough time when they got back to change clothes. He had taken off the soiled shirt that still bore Rufus's blood and resolved never to throw them away. Despite the pain, it was a well-deserved pain, it was a reminder of his sin, his unimaginable arrogance and pride. It was a reminder that Rufus was dead because of his actions. It must be a thing never forgotten or excused. If it was the last thing on earth he did he would bring Rufus back. If he had to murder Emma's parents he would go back and save Rufus. Fate had been turned back once.  
It was that dying wish that kept him from going and doing something desperate. No one else would mourn him if he died. He was a drag on the team, a constant source of anguish to Lucy, and a disgusting reminder to Jiya of his wife's betrayal. A wife who was pregnant. Who had exposed herself to the dangers of time travel without considering the harmful effects on the baby?  
He had to save Rufus. Once he did he would leave the team and find some place to go far away from the tangle of his life here. Not that anyone would care if he lived or died because he didn't deserve it. Rufus was the one person he could save. Possibly. There had to be a way. Then his mind slipped back to the baby. The baby was probably better off dead. A Rittenhouse mother who would raise them to be a faithful brainwashed slave. And a screwed up father who abandoned all his principles out of a messed up sense of pride, anger, jealousy and twisted duty. Maybe he could get the baby back and find someone to adopt them? Someone who was normal and loving. A family without the curse of Rittenhouse and a string of terrible decisions. The truth was that there was probably no use thinking all of it. There were no second chances. He had permanently destroyed so many lives.  
The whole terrible, rotten mess came over him like a wave. Crushing nausea struck, far worse than anything he had ever faced, and within seconds he was throwing up the remnants of the food he had eaten the day before. The bile burned the back of his throat. Rufus was dead. Really dead. Not just injured. He had actually dug his grave. And Jiya had lost the love of her life. Rufus's family had lost him. The team had lost Rufus. Rufus who had deserved so much better. Rufus who had helped save him at the once darkest time in his life.  
There was no absolution. None in this world or in the next. A world he didn't believe in. He washed his mouth out and walked out of the bathroom. He glanced over to the spot where the fan stood in front of the window. That had been where he and Lucy had stood in those last moments of happiness. They had been smiling, laughing and talking. It had also been the spot where he had begun the first fatal steps to this point. The spot where Jessica had once again re-entered his life.  
There was a certain loathing when he thought of this Jessica. Her steadfast belief in Rittenhouse and their horrible ideology. Her talk of loving him even while taking Jiya. Her shooting and putting a baby in danger while professing to care about the baby. What kind of woman did that? Perhaps it was brainwashing but even so, she had surely been exposed to something else. The sleeper agent in 81 had been a better person than this Jessica. Why had she returned? Because every time he thought of "his" Jessica he thought of Jessica holding the gun out, of Jessica smiling while contemplating how to betray him, of Jessica saying that it was ok to forgo condoms because she was on the pill. Every moment of his timeline was tainted by her betrayal.  
Lucy was sitting in that very spot. She held an ice pack to her cheek and a look of unalterable grief. He hesitated. His presence would hardly bring her any comfort. There was one thing he had to tell her. It was really Rufus's voice echoing in his ear "You idiot. You're in love with Lucy." The pain slashed his heart again. He knew that Lucy would never love him, never could love him, even if she managed to forgive him. But she must know the truth. That he loved her. Not that it would matter. But somehow he had to keep that promise to Rufus.  
He sank down beside her on the floor. The tiny cut on her lip was by his own hand. The guilt filtered up again poisoning everything. No, not the guilt. His own terrible decisions.  
"This is my fault. All of it." He couldn't look at her. See the look of acknowledgment on her face. The attempt at being nice. "I promised Rufus that I wouldn't let anything happen to him. I was supposed to protect him. And then I messed everything up. Just like I did with us."  
"It's true. You did mess us up." Her voice was soft and quiet. The words seemed to have a greater effect than if she had screamed at him. They were far more painful. And all too true. "But Rufus is not on you. We all stood together. He knew the risks. And he accepted them willingly. You brought Jiya home, safe. That's what mattered most to Rufus."  
The words were a balm to the pain but he knew she was just being kind. That was Lucy. Lucy Preston had always been kind. She was far too good. A soft, strong transparent goodness that radiated through him. "I love you, Lucy."  
The words escaped his lips but he didn't look at her to see the look of disbelief or amusement that he would say it. He didn't deserve to look at her. He stared at the blank, grey wall and let the words flow through him. It would be enough to try to silently help her. To watch her change the world and protect her. To love her knowing that it could never be returned.  
"You don't have to say it back. You don't have to say anything. I just should have said it a long time ago, and I didn't, so I'm saying it now. Rufus wanted me to admit it. And I know, wherever he is…if he's watching, He's saying, ‘Yeah, it's about damn time."  
She didn't say anything. But she didn't get up and leave either or confront him on his completely terrible behavior. They sat there for a long time in silence that was heavy with pain.  
"I can't believe he's gone." Her voice was so heartbreakingly sad.  
At last, she spoke again, "I think…it's time."  
"For what?" Wyatt finally dared glance at her.  
"To start fighting back. With everything we have got." Lucy's voice had hardened. "Let them burn."  
"I'm down with that," Wyatt replied.  
"She's there," Lucy said. Her voice was cool and detached.  
"I know. I don't know if I'll ever convince her that Rittenhouse is wrong. I think she's like… she'll proclaim her loyalty to them to her last breath."  
"Like my mother," Lucy replied.  
"Oh, Lucy…." he whispered. "She's probably pregnant and she traveled through time and will raise that child to be a monster. I may never even see them."  
"I hate her. Emma. I'd slit her throat if I could. I had a gun to Emma's head. And I pulled the trigger. But I was out of bullets. So she started strangling me. Then Flynn came." The sound of her rage seemed so alien in Lucy. Lucy Preston wasn't the type of woman to sound like that. The last causality of war was her innocence. Her belief in the goodness of people.  
" I feel like she's a vampire or something. Like she stole Jessica away and turned her into a monster. I mean, was she always like this? Was I just too dumb to notice?"  
"I don't think so. This Jessica was raised to be a good Rittenhouse girl. Like I should have been." Lucy buried her head in her hands. "I could have been her. With Noah most likely."  
"No, you never would have been." Wyatt thought about Lucy in captivity and how she would have rather blown up the Mothership with herself and her mother on board rather than see Rittenhouse win. That was Lucy.


	2. Chapter 2 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I despair for what we’ll never have for what we have lost and what we’re secluded elsewhere.  
> Monica Martinelli

They were broken and bruised and utterly lost. The Mothership made no jumps and so Jiya and Connor spent their time repairing the Lifeboat and Lucy tried not to look at Jiya’s heartbroken face. She was broken beyond repair herself. It took a few days to remember the journal and Flynn’s words about how she had traveled along her own timeline. When she did remember she dragged everyone into the common room and said, “I have something to say. So that journal…. Flynn says I gave it to him in a bar in Brazil 3 years ago. As you can imagine that’s not possible. At least not with the technology we have now. But I believe that we can create that technology someday. And bring Rufus back.”  
Jiya spoke suddenly, “It won’t work. There is no way to bring him back. I have searched in my visions and there is nothing.”  
“Then how do you explain how I gave Flynn the journal?” Lucy asked.  
“I don’t know. Maybe he’s just lying. Or crazy.” Jiya spoke bitterly.  
Jiya flew from the room, passing Lucy on the way out. Lucy followed her to their room and said, “I’m sorry. I thought maybe it would help.”  
“Lucy, I don’t have time to deal with the whole ‘all the guys who love Lucy and follow her around’ stuff. I’m the only pilot in this damn operation if you haven’t figured it out. Jessica fucking Logan kidnapped me. Garcia fucking Flynn shot Rufus. So pardon me if I’m just a little done with their bullshit.” Jiya was screaming but the tears running down her cheeks belied her angry words. Lucy flinched. The words cut deeply. But she realized they weren’t really against her.   
“Teach me to pilot. Teach all of us. That way it won’t be all on you. And teach Connor. He can go back and save Rufus.” Lucy said.  
“We can’t teach Connor. I can’t lose him too. He’s like my dad. And you know Connor. He’d never survive Emma and Jessica.” Jiya said softly.   
Lucy sighed. Jiya was right of course. Connor Mason was many things but an experienced soldier was not one of them. He had managed to kill the Rittenhouse sleeper agent but that had been a stroke of luck. “We can teach a team. Send them in. I know it will take some time. But we can do it.”  
Jiya nodded. "Perhaps," she replied. "But I don't think it will work. It's weird. In my visions, I keep seeing a forest. And we're living in a forest. All of us look like we stepped out of the 100. Somehow it's connected. All of it. And Lucy," Jiya started sobbing again, "I just get the feeling the world we're living in is really bad. Like something horrible has happened. Like lots of people died."  
Lucy put her arms around Jiya, “Oh Jiya. I’m so sorry. I feel responsible.”  
“How are you responsible?” Jiya asked.  
“Because when Jessica was here I urged her to stay. To stay with Wyatt.” Lucy replied.  
“That’s not your fault. What else were you supposed to do? Besides I trusted her. Everyone trusted her. She was so good at lying.” Jiya sighed, “I’m sorry for yelling Lucy. I know it’s not your fault. I just threw my shit at you.”  
“It’s ok. I know you’re hurting. But I will never give up. Never give up trying to fight to bring Rufus back.” Lucy gave Jiya another hug and stood up. “Why don’t you take a nap?”  
She went back into the common area. The rest of the team was assembled doing various tasks. Flynn was still favoring his arm and trying to read in the uncertain light of the bunker. Connor was doing calculations and obviously trying very hard to hold it together. Denise was doing paperwork but Lucy noticed her frequent pauses to wipe her eyes. Wyatt was staring at the wall with an expression that frightened her. He looked completely lost and alone. Even after all that had been between them, all the bitterness and pain, she cared about him. It was not entirely his fault. His lying had been wrong but would she have done anything else if it had been Amy? She didn't know. He said he loved her but it was hard to believe. Hard to believe because he had fought for Jessica in a way she had seen no one else fight for anyone else. Jessica Logan didn't deserve this kind of devotion. Had she ever? Lucy felt a wave of fury against the woman that she admitted was probably unfair. Jessica in Wyatt's timeline had probably been a lovely person. But the woman standing beside Emma as she shot her mother and the woman who had calmly fired until disappearing into the void poisoned all of Lucy’s memories. The woman who had trampled upon any good or noble thing in Wyatt’s heart and used it to her own advantage.   
Lucy sat down near him. He turned to her and whispered, “Is Jiya….”  
“She’s not doing so hot. But I think she’s taking a nap. And I’ll go make some tea.” Lucy replied.   
“Let me. Do you want some?” Wyatt seemed almost pathetically eager to do something in her service, and Jiya’s. She was perfectly capable of making her own tea but she nodded.   
“Thank you,” she gave him a slight smile. He didn’t smile back. But the look in his eyes pleaded so much. His eyes could be so soft. So gentle.   
"Does anyone else want tea?" he asked. Denise shook her head. Connor muttered something incompressible. Probably a no. He looked at Flynn. Actually looked at him. Lucy raised her eyebrows. It was the first time in a long time that he had actually looked at Flynn without animosity. Actually, it was probably the first time ever.  
Flynn put his book down, “No thanks. But if there is coffee?”  
“There is some coffee.” Denise looked up. “I brought some brewed in a carafe from home.”  
“In that case, thank you.”   
Lucy kept staring at the shockingly civilized conversation that passed between them. A few minutes later Wyatt placed the cup beside her. A cup of tea was a comforting gesture. It was a moment in which people could share the pain. In which one could grasp hope from the tactile presence of warmth and the sensation of steam touching one's face. She smiled at him again. "Thank you."  
He only nodded again. Denise’s coffee was poured out and he took a cup for himself after passing the cup to Flynn. He drank his coffee black. It was strange that she already knew the odd habits of her bunkmates. Denise always drank green tea at exactly 3 in the afternoon that Connor drank whiskey and liked British costume dramas and that Jiya was a vegetarian who hated beans. Flynn liked overly sweetened cereal and drank coffee with copious amounts of sugar and cream. Wyatt was a pretty good cook.   
Wyatt stood up again. “I’ll just put this by Jiya’s bed.”   
Lucy looked alarmed as she saw him disappear. She was afraid of what Jiya would say on seeing him. She knew Jiya blamed him, and deservedly so, for her kidnapping and as a result Rufus’s death. It hadn’t been his entire fault but he had played a role in it. She started to get up and follow him.  
“Don’t, Lucy. Some things you have to face alone.” Flynn’s voice roused her out of her impulse. She sat down again. Flynn was right. She couldn’t protect Wyatt from his own problems. He had to learn for himself. He had to learn how to deal with them. She couldn’t be the one to rescue him.   
She heard no sounds coming from the hall. Wyatt returned a few minutes later and picked up his cup. But he didn’t drink the coffee. He just continued staring at the opposite wall. This must have been the same spiral Wyatt had gone down during Jessica’s death. Lucy couldn’t help resenting Jessica again. Every bad thing in his life had somehow been connected to her. It wasn’t fair. Her feelings weren’t fair but she felt it.   
She still felt the physical ache of Rufus’s death. He was the third member of Team Time. The one she had developed a close friendship with that had been unmixed with any other emotions. He was the one that made her laugh and smile. She would never hear his voice again, or those stupid jokes or the moments that never came. Jessica and her own shame had separated them and she had found other people to be friends with. She regretted that.  
There was her mother. Her mother, whose final regret was not indoctrinating Lucy in Rittenhouse sooner. Her mother’s final act was protecting her. Lucy wondered if feeling sad about her mother was wrong. How could she fault Wyatt for grieving over Jessica when she was grieving over her mother? Even though the feelings were very different she could understand the desire to change her back. But what about the child?   
The thought of the baby brought her a wave of nausea. It reminded her of the days when she was trapped in the bunker with Jessica and Wyatt and the feeling of envy she had constantly struggled with. It hadn’t been easy to smile and tell him to go back to Jessica. A part of her had seen his reluctance and had wanted to capitalize on it. A part of her, that dark part that had chased Emma and put the gun to her head, had told her that she would lose him forever if she didn’t stop being so damn noble. But she had ignored that. The night they had gotten back from helping Harriet Tubman Lucy had found the unexpected desire to hug him. A hug wasn’t inappropriate, was it? She hugged Rufus and Connor and Agent Christopher. She ought to have known that any such thing could never be harmless between them. The long slow, simmering attraction that had been building since their first meeting in the waiting room of Mason Industries, that had thundered to life in the guesthouse in 1941 would never entirely go away. The sensation of just being held, warm and safe, had given her a profound sense of calm. And when they had glanced at each other Lucy realized her mistake. From the way that his eyes flickered to her lips, she knew he wanted to kiss her. And if he did…. Lucy knew she would never get over it. There was no right way to kiss a married man, especially one that had a pregnant wife. And yet…at that moment she understood why people were tempted. Tempted to throw away the right thing for the thing that was right in front of them.   
She couldn't be here anymore. Being in his presence only reminded her of how badly it hurt. Everything hurt. There was literally no part of her life that wasn't touched and destroyed by Rittenhouse. She stood up and backed away muttering a quick, "Good night," over her shoulder. That night she dreamed of Rufus and her mother dying again. But when she placed the gun to Emma's temple and fired she found that it wasn't Emma she had killed. It was Wyatt. She screamed and sobbed but her tears didn't bring Flynn. Instead, a heavily pregnant Jessica Logan who held a gun to her head, "You killed him. You killed him and now you're going to die." Lucy woke up just as she pulled the trigger. She woke up screaming to find Jiya shaking her awake.  
“Do you get nightmares too?” Lucy asked.  
"Yes, but mine usually come true," Jiya replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may seem like Jiya is a bit OOC but I think she's kinda jealous of Lucy who has two guys interested in her while she lost the love of her life. Plus anger is one part of the grieving process. Lucy is just trying to deal with the situation as best as she can. As I said before this fic is dark and will get darker before it gets better. I promise it will get better. The angst does serve a purpose. Lucy isn't doing much better than Wyatt, she's just not experiencing so much shame or guilt. But she's lost so much.   
> I'm including a reference to the 2.09 hug because it's my favorite Lyatt scene post-Jessica. I even wrote a bit of an AU fic based off of it. Wyatt is starting to realize that he can't take ownership of Lucy and that his jealousy of Flynn was part of what destroyed his relationship with Lucy. I know the situation was more complicated than pure jealousy but his natural jealous tendencies are what killed Jessica the first time around and hurt his relationship with Lucy. I think the beginning of that process of growth began when he told Lucy he loved her without expecting (or receiving) an ILY back. I mentioned this is a slow burn story. It really is. I'll make it up by posting frequently (also so I can get it posted before the movie airs).


	3. Chapter 3 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one’s own.   
> Willa Cather

Wyatt didn’t sleep. His bed was tainted with Jessica’s betrayal. Literally, it was the bed that she sewed deceit, thick with lies and smiles and flattery. He would eventually get to the point where he could stand to strip the bed and remove all her stuff. At the memories of how he swallowed all his memories of Lucy and resolved to be the best husband to Jessica now that she was pregnant nausea grew. The way he had felt a surge of real happiness at the idea of being a father even if circumstances were less than ideal. He had been so stupid. He had completely ignored any sign that Jessica was not all she seemed. He had resolutely insisted in her innocence and lied to both Lucy and Rufus. She had wrapped him around her finger just like Flynn had said. The fact that Flynn had been right made him want to see red.   
"Fuck you," he shouted. He picked up a small figurine from the table that he had given to Jessica for her twenty-first birthday. It was a small painted dog with a little tag that had “Jess” on it. What a fool he had been. How many years had she been plotting this? How many years had this Jessica secretly laughed at how fucking stupid he was. He was furious with her. But even more furious with himself. She said she loved him. But how could she love someone she had been plotting to destroy for years? When in the end her only defense was that she couldn't kill him.   
He seized up the figurine and threw it against the wall. It shattered into a million tiny pieces. As he lifted his head he saw the wedding ring lying discarded on the table glinting innocently in the dim light. It had been covered in Rufus’s blood. Now he picked it up and threw that too. It clinked against the wall before falling among the wreckage of old hopes and lost loves. He found her stuff still in her dresser drawer. Clothes, her computer, and a book. The computer might have valuable intel, though she probably hadn’t been stupid enough to leave anything incriminating, so he left it. But he seized her clothes and the book, just a cheap mystery novel, and gathered it into a heap. He took the sheets off the bed and threw it along the clothes.   
He picked up the piles and went back to the common room. He wanted to burn it all, make a bonfire of the past and watch it burn. Watch Rittenhouse burn, just as Lucy said. He threw it down on the floor near the Lifeboat and then went back and retrieved the computer. He saw Connor lift his head from the desk. Connor looked horrible. Wyatt knew how Connor had always viewed Rufus as a son. He handed the computer to Connor but was unable to meet his eyes. Once, a long time ago, he had despised Connor Mason. Had judged him because he had formed an alliance with Rittenhouse. But ultimately it had been Wyatt who had done the most danger to the team. He had been the one who had allowed Jiya to get trapped in the past. Rufus would have stayed behind if not for that. And he wouldn’t have died.   
“Do you have a pair of scissors?” he asked. Connor looked surprised. He handed him a pair but they were blunt and dull. “A pair of sharper scissors? Like for fabric?”  
“No, but look in Denise’s knitting bag. It’s right there.” Connor said. Wyatt was someone surprised that Denise was a knitter. It seemed such a harmless habit. But as he reached inside and found a pair of sharp scissors he noticed the bumpy fabric and bright colors he felt a trace of a smile touch his lips. Then a memory seized him. Jessica knitting endless pairs of socks and hats for an organization that sent socks to the military. Jessica knitting baby hats and blankets and balls of yarn falling all over. The memory was tainted by her other timeline self. Once it would have been met with a sadness touched with love. Now all he could think of was bitterness. He seized the scissors and took the pile of clothes and sheets to the kitchen. He picked up the first object. A pillowcase. It smelled like her shampoo. Resolutely he took the scissors and cut. The thin fabric tore apart, just like the gossamer strands of his marriage. He kept cutting.   
“You know I was divorced three times?” he turned his head. Connor was standing there with a glass of whiskey in his hands. “The first time I was just out of school. She was really beautiful. But she couldn’t handle the hours and I was drinking. The next one, I married because she was beautiful. And we divorced because we didn’t have enough to keep it together. And the third one….I married her because I wanted to feel young again. And she was attracted to the money.”  
Wyatt wasn't sure what he should say. Now that he was part of the group of people who had just gotten, or were getting divorced. His situation was exceptionally complicated. He had always thought of Jessica as a miracle. So had Lucy. But after all, thanks to Rittenhouse, it ended up in a nightmare.  
“You know I made my deal willingly. You were deceived. There’s a difference.” Connor said.  
“Not really. Result’s the same.” Wyatt said curtly. “He’s still dead. And…”  
“And…” Connor shrugged and took another drink.  
“I still broke Lucy’s heart. And mine…but that’s not the point. And now she’s…ready to move on. Which is perfectly fine. I mean I’m not fit to walk the same ground. But… with Garcia Flynn of all people.” Wyatt didn’t know why he was confiding in Connor who he had never really interacted with much. Maybe that’s why he was talking to him. Connor’s opinion was not so vital to him that he felt like he couldn’t say anything. He had quashed down everything for so long it was starting to escape at the seams.  
Connor didn't say anything. He just picked up a knife from the counter and began helping tear up the fabric into ribbons. At last, he said, "I've been there. Lost everything. Still lost everything. But we are a team now. It's us against the world. That’s more important than anything.”  
“I’m not part of the team. I’m more than useless. I’m toxic. I’d leave but I’m not gonna…” Wyatt swallowed feeling the desire to throw up over every single piece of fabric that lay on the floor. “I can’t. Unless they kick me out. Which they probably will.”  
Connor kept shredding fabric while Wyatt tried desperately to calm down. The spirals of despair were already sinking in. Madness slowly creeping in. He wondered vaguely if he could control it. He had barely been able to climb out of the hole of despair he had fallen into last time around. This time it felt even more final.   
“Connor, what effects does time travel have on pregnant women?” Wyatt had to know the truth. Even if he had yet another thing to worry and feel guilty about.  
“I don’t know. We never dreamed of testing it. And considering the dangers I would say that the effects are probably not good. There are so many restrictions for pregnant women anyway.” Connor was being honest. Even if it felt like a punch to the gut.  
“What kind of symptoms?” Wyatt asked.  
"Well, a miscarriage would be an obvious one. A large number of abnormalities of all kinds. And then it’s possible the fetus develops the same issues that Jiya has. Visions.” Connor replied.  
Wyatt tried to imagine a child experiencing the visions Jiya got. Being unable to know what was real. Seeing horrible things happen before they happened. Being stuck in multiple timelines. He leaned over the counter and buried his head in his hands, “Oh god, what have I done?”  
“That’s not on you. Well, ok, the whole getting her pregnant thing yes, But not the time travel thing. She chose to do that.” Connor said. “It’s her body. She chose to subject herself and the baby to that kind of danger.”  
Wyatt nodded. He grabbed the scissors again and kept on cutting. It was nearing dawn. But it was kinda hard to tell in the Bunker. He finished the last sheet and then attacked the book. Tearing the leaves out and ripping them to shreds. He was probably making more noise than he expected because he looked up to see another person there. Garcia fucking Flynn. Wonderful. Here to crow over his failures and goad him into being an idiot. Well, that wasn’t hard to do. But Wyatt didn’t have any fight left in him. Not tonight.   
“What’s this? The sewing circle? Planning any quilts?” Flynn was slightly modified by Connor’s furious glance. It was not the time to make jokes.   
Flynn glanced down at the remnants of clothing and sheets. He frowned significantly and said, "It would have been easier to burn it."  
“And kill us all in a fire?” Wyatt scoffed.  
"True, I'm not really interested in being barbecued." Flynn picked up a strand of fabric. "You know I've always thought you to be about the most self-righteous person I ever met. That's saying something. Worse than all those priests my mother dragged me to. But now… now it's not self-righteousness, is it?"  
“You’re not my therapist.” Wyatt snapped. Flynn was striking way too close to home. Maybe because in some weird way they had something in common. Including dead wives.   
"No, believe me, if there is a handbook on screwing up life I've probably followed it. But…my point being… I still think you are a stupid idiot and deserve to feel miserable. That being said, nobody else really wants to see you this way. So stop."  
Wyatt wanted to punch him in the face. Stop? As if that was an option. With Rufus dead, a wife who was evil, a potential baby with who know’s how many problems and pushing away Lucy. Yeah, he deserved every inch of this pain. But that didn’t mean he was going to shut it off just so Flynn could have an easier time.   
“You know,” said Connor. “None of us are really fit to judge. Being that we have all royally screwed up our lives.”  
"Well, let's get rid of this rubbish." Flynn seemed to wince as he lifted a pile of the shredded fabric and paper. They transferred it to the trash can.  
“Well, it’s time for coffee. It’s almost 5.” Connor actually made decent coffee. Wyatt left without saying anything but he sent Connor a glance. It was a “thank you” for sitting with him and helping. For judging him less harshly than he judged himself. He went back to the room he shared with Jessica and picked up the remanents of the figurine. That too was thrown in the waste paper basket. Then he picked up the ring. He wanted to throw it away. It was too many memories of deceitful and lying Jessica. Not the one he had known who had been presumably totally innocent. Instead, he opened the top drawer of the dresser. Lying neatly on top was the divorce papers. He grabbed a pen and wrote his name and the date. He wasn't devoicing the woman he had once loved. She was gone. Dead. Never coming back. He was divorcing the evil person she had become.   
Was there some hope for her yet? Even if there was he wasn’t the person to bring her salvation. He realized that now. She wasn’t listening to him. Too much pain had passed between them. Too many crossed signals. Too much trying to fit himself back into a life he didn’t belong in. Well, he had never belonged in this Jessica’s life.  
He could hear the rest of the bunker stirring. Agent Christopher had come back and when she came up to him he handed her the papers. He placed the ring on top. “Thought you could sell this. Devote the money to charity. Maybe a group that fights racism or something.”   
Agent Christopher’s face softened, “I will. And I’ll file the papers.”  
He started to go but she called him back, “I’d like to talk to you for a moment.”  
There it was. His dismissal. Of course, he deserved it. He deserved it but it still hurt like hell. Not that this constant ache would ever go away. It was a wound that would keep bleeding forever.   
"You know this is partly my fault. I didn't keep discipline. I didn't immediately reveal the info we had. I didn't interrogate her. I allowed her to stay even after we had actionable intelligence that she was at least loosely connected to Rittenhouse. The truth was…I had a soft spot for you. You're like a son to me. I kept thinking…what if this was Michelle? And that's dangerous. To be that involved. I have never had that problem with my job." Denise's voice was low and sad. "Ultimately it was my responsibility. I shouldn't have expected you to turn in your own wife."  
“I didn’t know. I mean I thought she was just being manipulated by them. The Jessica I thought I knew never would have done any of this. And she was…she said…she was pregnant.” Wyatt closed his eyes.  
“I know. I’m not saying you didn’t fuck everything up, pardon my french, because you did. But I understand. I also understand being drawn in two directions. Duty and love. You know Lucy and Jiya gave me hope that I would someday have a family and love. But those long years before I met Michelle I kept thinking, ‘What if those women were crazy?' I was so scared I came out for nothing. Then I met Michelle. Just like I was supposed to. And I was so happy that those girls came up to me and told me that I'd meet my soulmate. But if they hadn’t?”  
“I just don’t know what to do. There are no solutions. Nothing that will ever fix any of it.” Wyatt knew that all the mourning, crying or repenting in the world wouldn’t bring Rufus back. It wouldn’t even fix his relationship with Lucy.  
“We’re working on some solutions. We’re going to do our best to bring him home.” Denise shook her head. “But right now we can’t lose focus. We’re going to have to leave this location. It’s been compromised. And transfer to a new computer system. I have a spot in the mountains which we can go to.”  
What a relief. The bunker brought with him nothing bad memories. He nodded and Denise released him. He got the distinct impression it had been a trip to the principal's office in which he had been kindly, but firmly put in his place. It was a balm to his guilt-ridden soul that she had been kind to him, that she had allowed him to stay. It was better for all of them to get away from the bunker and all its memories.   
The next few days were a nightmare exhaustion, grief, and pain. Everyone ignored him except for Lucy who was tentative and gentle and Connor who had been there in the midnight hours and knew the truth. The Mothership stayed situated so Jiya and Connor fixed the Lifeboat in preparation to make their big move. When Lucy made her announcement about her having traveled along her own timeline no one really believed her. It was impossible. Only Flynn believed it. Because he had been there. And Lucy, who had some strange faith in the man.  
After all, it seemed some cosmic proof that he had been the interloper in a relationship destined by fate itself. A fate he didn't believe in. It was not his place to be jealous or angry. Lucy deserved happiness and if she was happy with Flynn….Well, who was he to judge? Certainly, in terms of colossal screw-ups, he was king. After Lucy made her announcement Jiya flew from the room and Lucy followed.  
Much later Lucy came out again and he felt compelled to do something for her. Not because he would get anything in return, there was nothing to get, but simply because he had the compulsive need to do something for her. He was rewarded with a gentle smile that gave him a miraculous sense of calm. He didn’t deserve that soft expression. Through it all, he hadn’t lost her support. Their relationship might be in shatters and their lives a crumble of might have beens and lost hope but he still had something left. Perhaps it was that sense that there was one tiny particle of hope to cling to that made him offer tea to the man who had once been his worst enemy. Wyatt just hadn’t known his worst enemy had always been himself.  
He went into Jiya and Lucy’s room to hand her the tea. She wasn’t asleep but her eyes had half rolled back in her head. She was having a vision. He placed the cup on the bedside table. It rattled against the lamp and she shook herself present. Jiya glanced up at him. Her eyes found his.   
“Why did you follow me? I was willing to stay behind.” Jiya’s face crumpled up.  
"He wouldn't have had it any other way," Wyatt replied.  
“I know.” Jiya drew farther away, “This…this isn’t easy to forgive. I don’t know when I can. I killed a man to get away. I strangled him. He was Rittenhouse, yes, but it still took everything in me to see the life drain away. And then I got stuck in the past. And I spent three years fighting the visions, the horrible stuff of San Fransisco in the 1880’s and trying to avoid getting raped. It wasn’t an easy job. Especially for a girl like me. And then Rufus… I don’t blame you for him. I mean how could you have known. But…I can’t forget the rest.”  
“I know.” Wyatt found the words catching in his throat, “I know what I did was unforgivable. I know saying sorry isn’t enough.”  
"It isn't. But at least learn from this." Jiya finally looked at him. "Stop being a stupid, reckless fool who thinks with his emotions and not his brain. Start appreciating the people who do have instead of spending the rest of your life mourning a woman who is gone. Jessica is gone. She's not coming back. She's been dead for six years. That woman isn't Jessica or if she is Jessica she's sure isn't worth mourning. Stop fighting for her. I don't even think you love her anymore. You just couldn't admit you failed a marriage and you couldn't handle the idea of giving her up."  
“But the baby….” Wyatt’s voice came out in a whisper.  
“If’s she is pregnant. And that’s a big if considering I saw her drinking with Carol and Keynes and Emma. Plus I’m fairly certain pregnant women shouldn’t time travel. But even if she is… Stop chasing her. She isn’t worth it.” Jiya took a deep breath, “Frankly I’m not going to handle hearing you bitch and moan over that bitch. She doesn’t deserve it. Because remember…I’m the pilot now. I’m the one who controls who gets where. I’m definitely ditching you in the past if you mention her again.”  
He nodded knowing Jiya wasn't joking. He left her then and went back to join the others. He sat down and tried to drink his coffee but it soured in his stomach. He hadn't been able to eat properly in days and already he was starting to feel the tiredness. The feeling was oddly freeing. As if by experiencing the weakness he would also experience the unclouded mind. That wasn’t to be so. Lucy looked more and more troubled by the moment. Her face grew paler and paler. It was hard to remember, in the shock of Rufus’s death, that her mother had died. Wyatt realized how profoundly selfish he had become. Perhaps always had been. Thinking always of himself, his own pain and his own well deserved punishment. There was no way his presence could ever bring her anything but pain.  
She stood up abruptly and muttered a quick "goodbye" over her shoulder before leaving. He went to bed a few minutes later. He resolved to ask Mason to switch with him as soon as possible. As it was he was forced into the same room as he had been with Jessica. His stomach roiled at the memories, once relatively sweet, and now bitter with the knowledge of what was really transpiring.   
A few hours later he awoke to the sounds of screams. He grabbed his gun and went running. The screams emanated from Lucy and Jiya’s room. From the pitch and accent, it was Lucy who was screaming. He paused in front of the door, about ready to knock. There was another figure beside him. Flynn, who looked as if he hadn't slept either, didn't appear surprised. "Nightmares," he said succinctly.  
Wyatt nodded. He knew them, too. Not often but sometimes. The feeling of reality in them always shocked him. Lucy shouldn't be experiencing them. She was born to sweetness and light, not to nightmares and darkness. He started to turn away. Jiya was probably comforting Lucy and even if she wasn't Wyatt would be no help to her. Better just to hope that she fell asleep again.  
“Logan, you need to teach her to fight. She’s got the spirit but not the skills. I’ll take over Jiya. She should be a quick study. She survived 19th century San Fransisco.” Flynn sounded deadly serious, “Lucy nearly lost her life against Emma. She had her hands around her throat. Another moment and Lucy would have been gone. But she kept firing. She just didn’t know how to aim properly.”  
Wyatt felt like throwing up in earnest. The thought that Lucy might have died due to his own foolish actions and his distraction over the faithless Jessica made him sick. He’d called on Flynn to go after Lucy who’d uncharacteristically chased after Emma. Lucy wasn’t a soldier. She was soft and gentle and tender. She was comfort and solace. She wasn’t violent.  
“God damn it, you are so fucking stupid.” Flynn’s tone had veered from serious to completely livid, “You’re constantly stuck in that stupid head of yours. I don’t know how you made it into Delta Force. You should have been a hipster poet.”   
Wyatt wasn’t sure if there was a special kind of purgatory, something he never believed in, for a person who had royally screwed up so badly that every single demon seemed like a weird combination of his father and Garcia Flynn. “Shut up.” he hissed.  
“You think she’s some kind of delicate flower. Well, she isn’t. Lucy Preston has lost everyone she had ever loved and she hasn’t faltered. She’s stronger than anyone in this damn bunker. Start treating her like it.” Flynn’s faced darkened, “You’ve already screwed things up beyond recognition. But you can at least give her the respect she deserves.”  
“Like trying to kill her.” Wyatt flashed back. Flynn’s hands around Lucy’s neck, slowly squeezing the life out of her, would never be forgotten.  
"Oh, I think you understand the lengths we go to get the people we love back, don't you? Like stealing time machines." Wyatt wondered how Flynn knew that. Oh, that's right. The damn journal. That secret joke between him and Lucy. The journal she had written for him. He wondered sort of intimate details she had written about. Secrets he would never know that would perpetually be a connection between Flynn and Lucy.  
Wyatt walked away without replying. What was there to say that wouldn’t end in him trying to punch Flynn? Accidentally hitting Lucy was the worst part of that. Oh yes, yet another thing on the long list of unforgivable offenses. If there was a time travel option for undoing the past he'd press it. Right back to the moment, he got the fatal text from Jessica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I know we didn’t see Wyatt getting mad at Jessica but it had to happen. I think by now he realized this woman isn’t the same woman he loved and that she’s been playing him for years. This scene with Connor and Flynn really made my heart ache. Poor everyone. I have included a pet peeve of mine. Please, don’t have Lucy time travel while pregnant. You can’t even go in an airplane much less freaking time travel. Yet Jessica time traveled, possibly drank and wore corsets. Those writers know nothing about pregnancy. Plot hole alert. Or Jessica isn’t pregnant.   
> Wyatt signed the divorce papers and sold his wedding ring. The way I see it now that Jessica came back evil she’s tainted that ring. Rufus’s blood was on it. I don’t think Wyatt wants to hang on to it. I think Agent Christopher was ultimately responsible for the security lapse. She knew of Jessica’s potential connections to Rittenhouse for a whole week and even then made no rush to get Jessica out of the bunker or even to monitor her. I understand that she didn’t want to do it because of her personal fondness for Wyatt (I think she views him as a son) but I think the ultimate responsibility lay with her.   
> I liked the conversation between Jiya and Wyatt. Jiya is tough on him but she also offers compassion. I know technically Jiya couldn’t have known about Jessica’s drinking but I made a slight canon divergence. I hope you don’t mind.   
> That scene with Flynn is purposely ambiguous. I still am not entirely sure as his exact feelings for Lucy and have no desire to drag in a love triangle in this story. He’s being hard on Wyatt. The “hipster poet” line made me laugh my head off. It’s awful and offensive but kinda right if Wyatt had grown up under different circumstances and not in the military. I’m sorry Wyatt, you screwed up and now you have to suffer the consequences. I adore that line so much. It's probably my favorite dig in this whole story.   
> It’s another angsty chapter. Sorry, things will lighten up someday. I promise.


	4. Chapter 4 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am being torn from you. You are being carried away. Whoever it is the wind, the seam it’s worse than anything. You’re going to drown. And I’m watching, without doing anything, without saying anything, on principle, because I must observe the rule. And what if I didn’t want to anymore. I can still throw myself with you, grab hold of you. If it were possible.  
> Danielle Collobert

Jiya actually gave a short chuckle as she slipped back to Lucy, “Flynn called Wyatt a hipster poet.”  
Lucy started laughing because she couldn't help it. "Oh my god, I can't believe it."   
Jiya laughed too and then Lucy said, “I’m sorry for laughing.”  
“Don’t be. You know he’d be laughing so hard that everyone in the bunker would wake up.” Jiya said.   
“What are we going to do about those two?” Lucy asked.   
“I don’t know. But don’t worry about it tonight. I’m not afraid of telling both of them off if they start bugging you though.” Jiya’s face hardened reminding Lucy of her time spent in the past. Jiya was not the sweet, sunny girl they all remembered.   
The plans for moving into a new safehouse began the very next morning. Apparently, the new location was in the mountains about two hours away. This time it was above ground and much more remote than the bunker. Agent Christopher was taking her wife and kids with her. Lucy knew she regretted pulling them out of school but was too afraid for their safety and refused to be parted with them. She saw Wyatt’s look of shame and remorse as Denise announced the news.   
The pain in his features worried her. As angry as she was she knew that it hadn’t been his entire fault. And the spirals of grief and guilt might be enough to tip him over the edge. She went over and stood next to him seeing the expression in his eyes momentarily brighten. He had been avoiding her ever since his confession of love. She honestly didn’t know if she believed he loved her. She believed he thought he did but she wasn’t sure if he really knew the difference.   
Sometimes she would find little tokens lying around. It might be a package of her favorite tea, cookies or a blanket just within reach. She couldn't be sure who her silent giver was. Was it Wyatt, motivated by guilt or Flynn who had knowledge of these things through the journal? Either way, it was both thoughtful and smothering. She longed for a friend that didn't mix complex emotions in. In this, her friendship with Jiya kept her together.   
“Well, I guess we all pack up?” Lucy commented.   
He nodded before saying, “I have to say something.”  
Lucy hesitated. She didn’t want to hear any more excuses, apologies or sob stories. Including her own. “I need to pack.”  
“It’ll just take a moment. I just wanted to apologize, on top of everything else, for hitting you. It was unforgivable.” He sounded desperate to make her understand.   
Lucy remembered the shock of that moment. The sight of him physically attacking Flynn and in the process hurting her had given her a glimpse into the man that Jessica had described. The angry, drunken man who had made her life a misery. Then again Jessica had been Rittenhouse and a lying bitch. Still, she hadn’t been all wrong, had she? Lucy shrugged and said a little coolly, “I accept your apology but really I wasn’t the person you intended to hit.”  
She saw him suck in a breath. Apologizing to Flynn was probably the last thing on earth he would want to do. He'd probably rather die. "If you want me to I'll apologize," he spoke with almost pathetic eagerness.  
“No. I have absolutely nothing to do with this. You’ll have to do what you believe to be right.” She moved away from him. She saw his face fall and felt almost glad. Let him feel one ounce of the pain and sadness she experienced all the time Jessica was in the bunker.   
"Of course," Wyatt's voice had fallen again and in spite of herself, she felt herself relenting. He was her weakness. She didn't need weaknesses. She had no time for them.  
She knew he was jealous of Flynn but her own feelings were far too complicated and confused than he probably suspected. Lucy wasn’t prone to romance and had spent most of her life steadfastly avoiding it. She had kept her romantic life to short romances with attractive men, and a few women, that she enjoyed but didn’t feel emotionally attached to. He had been her one exception. Lucy wasn’t about to fall for another man with a dead wife and a boatload of misery. It was a sure fire way to break her heart. Lucy wasn’t unaware that there was definitely some attraction between her and Flynn but that didn’t mean she was going to act on it. Neither of them needed a complicated messy fling. Perhaps if he hadn’t had such a complicated history with her and no dead wife she would feel differently. But as it was if she was finding romance it wouldn’t be in the bunker.   
That didn’t mean she was going to tell Wyatt that. Let him be jealous. Let him wonder if she was having loud angry sex in the bunker just like she had with him and Jessica. Let him think she had moved on from their 24hr relationship. Moved on? She wasn’t sure what the word meant because moving on implied some sort of hope for the future. Something she didn’t personally understand. So she supposed it looked like standing still.   
Lucy and Jiya packed up their meager belongings. Lucy even took along her clothing they had stolen. Each and every piece brought memories, most of them unpleasant. She fingered her dress she had worn in 41. Both dresses. The first one was the white one that had made her feel like a real live princess. The one dress that a certain person had peeled off of her and then proceeded to worship her body as if she was a priceless possession. She hadn’t understood the concept of “love making” until then. She had sex and understood what it was like to have a fun time with someone she liked. But it wasn’t spiritual and didn’t have deep feeling attached to it. Just call it sex. That night though she had understood that there was a difference between sex and sex with someone you loved.   
The memories saturated her mind with an angry buzz. Well, clearly that night had been nothing but sex for him. He had been back with Jessica within 24hrs. It didn't matter that she had set him free and made constant movements to push him and Jessica together. At that moment all Lucy wanted was for him to have talked to her. Stood there and told her the truth. Not leaving her hanging and calling for hours. She wanted him to think for one moment about how impossibly difficult this had been for her.  
Jiya seemed to have a similar problem. She kept finding Rufus’s stuff among her own and Lucy and she couldn’t stop crying as they carefully placed them in another box. If they somehow figured out a way to bring Rufus back perhaps he would want them. Lucy felt her heart grow heavier moment by moment as the room quickly emptied. She wouldn’t be back to this place. It had been a crucible of suffering and shame but it had been a place where the last lingering traces of the Lucy she had once been had disappeared.   
The team’s assorted possessions were scattered about as they began packing up the cars. Jiya and Flynn were taking the Lifeboat since Flynn had no car and Jiya was the only person who could manage the Lifeboat. Lucy had a car but she hadn’t been to her mother’s home since she had been kidnapped and didn’t dare go back. She would have preferred to drive with Agent Christopher but she had her family. Even Mason’s car was filled with all the equipment for the Lifeboat. So she was forced to go along with Wyatt. That would be a particular form of torture.   
She remembered the last time she had been in a car with him. It had been with Jessica. Lucy felt her stomach tighten as she remembered the other woman’s false smiles and pretend ways of getting information on finding JFK. She had probably texted Emma the location and planned the ambush. Then before that Lucy had driven home with him and Rufus after Hollywoodland. It had been a perfect moment, made bitter with remembering. Before that, there had been a trunk of the car and the feel of his lips hovering millimeters away from her mouth. The sound of his voice saying, "Nothing up ahead but the open road." Well, that was true. There was nothing ahead but the open road if it meant pure emptiness.   
They didn't talk for the first few minutes. He fiddled with the radio and turned on a top 40 station. Clearly, he knew she wasn't fond of country music. All the songs were about love. Lucy hadn't really ever thought about it. She had thought that she was somehow immune to the feelings of heartbreak because she had lived nearly 35 years without falling in love. Lucy closed her eyes and tried to pretend that these last few years hadn't happened. That he was just a stranger. The local Uber driver.  
After a while, she opened her eyes. The silence was worse. The pain and anger swelled up again making her desperate for something, anything, to sooth it. She really wished she had her bottle of vodka for moments like this. Lucy kept her eyes fixed on the road until she finally said, “Well, I wonder where Emma will jump to next?”  
“I don’t know. Never can tell with her.” Strange that their form of small talk was about time travel and trying to steadfastly avoid talking about Jessica. She had immediately noticed that the ring Wyatt had worn ever since Jessica came back was gone. Her heart relented slightly as she thought about what it would be like to have Amy come back changed. A member of Rittenhouse. And to know that her sister was the only family she had left. Wyatt had a possible child to worry about. Lucy couldn’t help feeling pity. How could she not? She wasn’t heartless.  
“You’ll fight and win. You’ll get the child.” Lucy promised, lying through her teeth. She knew there was absolutely no easy way for Jessica to be caught and the child saved.   
“No,” Wyatt shook his head, “I won’t. Not unless we take down Rittenhouse. And I don’t know if we can do that. At least not easily.”  
Lucy leaned back again feeling tired of it all. “I’m so done with this. I just want to go home. But I don’t have a home. Emma has taken everything. So that’s why I keep fighting.”  
“Flynn suggested we start training. Jiya already has some skills. But…” Wyatt began.  
“I don’t. I know I don’t. I never wanted to. I guess…” Lucy finished.  
“You let me do the dirty work.”   
The words hung in the air making them both wince. Lucy flushed angrily. What right did he have to say that? But he was factually correct. Lucy had been the civilian, the academic in her ivory tower fighting to preserve the past and trying to turn a blind eye to the violence and murder. She had let Wyatt do the hard stuff not just because he was better at it but also because it seemed as if it didn’t bother him. He was a soldier. Didn’t he get used to killing?   
“I’m sorry. That was way out of line. Oh god… I seem to do nothing but say sorry.”   
“No, you were right. That’s what we…that’s what I did. I’m sorry. I should have taken on more responsibility.” Lucy took a deep breath. “For a lot of things. Including my mother.”  
“I never wanted you to know what it’s like. To reach that point where you would do anything, anything, to defeat those people. I didn’t want you to wake up in a cold sweat remembering every person you ever killed.” Wyatt paused, “That’s not who you are. Not underneath it all.”  
"But it is. That's what scared me. Underneath it all, I wanted to kill Emma. She had taken everything from me. And I just wanted to see the light go from her face. I wanted to kill her." Lucy wanted no more bull shit. She wasn't the sweet pretty historian who cringed at the sight of blood anymore. She was hardened by war. And perhaps yet again, Wyatt had fallen for a mirage. An image that didn't exist. The other Lucy. A Lucy that was sweet, slightly awkward and desperately in love with him. This one wasn’t capable of it. Any of it.  
“I know.” His voice was choked with emotion.   
"If that bothers you, well, so what? Maybe I'm more like Flynn than I thought. For the first time, I understood why he tore apart space and time to get his family back. Because I would have done that at that moment." Lucy knew bringing up Flynn was a low blow. Why had their relationship soured to the point that it was composed to snippy words and miscommunication and deep-seated rage? Guilt slipped in-between the cracks in her heart. It was true in some way that her odd friendship with the former NSA agent spoke to that angry and vengeful part of her that wanted revenge. If Wyatt was water, sometimes cool and refreshing and other times prone to drowning, then Flynn was flame. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be extinguished just yet. She wanted to burn with rage and hate. It wasn’t the basis of a healthy friendship, much less a relationship, but she didn’t care. They had been brought together by mutual hatred, first of each other, and then of Rittenhouse. It wasn’t a serious attachment, at least not on her part, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to let it fuel her towards fighting Rittenhouse.  
She glanced up and saw his face twist with the familiar look of pain. She was tired of his angst. Tired of him pretending that he was the martyr. But even deeper than that she was tired of the situation. It was true when he said that no one else understood what they were going through. Strange that she could feel such a paradox. Memories from her Psychology class filtered through her head. Something about a paradox and it being the place where the truth lay. Lucy couldn't remember because her brain felt too muddled by grief. It had been a long time since she had worried about abstract philosophy. She had always believed in the paradox in history. But now all her esoteric discussions seemed meaningless.  
"No, it doesn't bother me. I've always known you have the fire in you. I guess you just need it to be controlled. So Emma can't beat you up again." He kept his voice calm with a deliberate effort.  
"That sounds like the Force," Lucy said. Then she drew in a pained breath. It reminded her of Rufus. "Oh god, …he would have loved that joke."  
She could see Wyatt's face twist with grief again. In this, they were united. The new additions to Team Time would never make up for the original one. It had been for so long just Wyatt, Rufus and her. And now, it would always be other people. Jiya at the pilot's helm, and Flynn as the other soldier and no matter how much she might want to pull back time and fix things she couldn't. She knew at that moment that Wyatt was thinking the same thing. Longing to undo his mistakes.  
" Well, I guess we're here," Wyatt said at last. Lucy looked around her. The new bunker was in the woods nestled near a small lake. It was incredibly remote but Denise claimed there was a grocery store and post office that they could get post office boxes to get packages. So if they wanted anything from Amazon that was the way to go. It was a beautiful place and due to its remoteness, they would have slightly more freedom. They could actually get some sunlight once in a while.  
Lucy stepped out and took a deep breath of the fresh air. She found herself smiling just a tiny bit. It was a relief to be able to breathe. And even though the distance between herself and Wyatt was just as great she was no longer afraid to be in the same room with him. If there was anything good about this whole experience it was the fact that they both knew each other well, their good and bad points, and if they could salvage anything from the wrecks it would at least be real.   
She saw that Jiya and Flynn were already there and Jiya had set up the Lifeboat’s computer system. Lucy saw her silence as she and Connor carefully check to make sure the Mothership hadn’t jumped. It hadn’t. Emma was being silent. It was almost more frightening. What kind of plans was she cooking up? Lucy didn’t want to face a mission where she would meet Jessica Logan. The only thought in her head would be “Kill her” and that was probably all kinds of shades of messed up. Jessica had smilingly lied through her teeth. Lucy had defended her to the bitter end. Lucy had believed in the “miracle” of the Logan marriage even when this Jessica was a brainwashed imitation of the old Jessica within the same body. Of course, if Jessica were really pregnant that would be different. Even then Lucy shuddered to think of the kind of torture that child would put them through.  
“So how was the car ride?” she glanced away from the equipment to find Flynn watching her. She shrugged noncommittally. Somehow she found herself gravitating more to Jiya now that Rufus was gone. Jiya didn’t bring uncomfortable feelings and nerves. Somehow Flynn and Wyatt did not coexist easily in her mind. Perhaps because she was tired of the constant struggle to keep her emotional equilibrium.  
“Fine.” She said. She tried to say it kindly but her patience was frazzled and she was tired of people looking at her as if she was a kicked puppy.   
“Are you sure? Because…” he began.  
"On page 174 of my diary, I said I was depressed. I'm sorry. But I just don't want to talk about it. It's been one of those days." Lucy tried to modulate her tone but she was bursting at the seams. He simply nodded and walked away. Good. He was smart enough to know when his presence only brought the pain.  
There were enough bedrooms for them all to have one. They were tiny, barely large enough to hold a bed and dresser, but they were blessedly private. Lucy unpacked her meager belongings and then helped the others with their unpacking. Mark and Olivia arrived in Michelle’s car and quickly lightened the mood. Olivia was a sweetheart. Lucy hoped the poor girl wouldn’t be too lonely. It wasn’t like there was an abundance of kids her age. Mark would only be with them a few months. He was moving on to college out of state and despite the fears of Rittenhouse neither Michelle nor Denise was going to see him give up on his dreams.   
By nighttime, they had settled into their new home. Lucy walked to the end of the long pier and sat down to watch the sunset. She felt tears start to come to her eyes as she imagined Rufus standing there complaining about the remoteness of the location and mesquites. She even thought of her mother. Her mother might have been a failure but she had been her mother and Lucy would never stop loving her. It was just part of her DNA. She supposed she ought to feel more sympathy for Wyatt because, of course, that was what happened to Jessica.   
“I thought…” she started expecting to see Flynn or Jiya or even Denise but instead seeing a familiar figure standing behind her. Wyatt. Of course. “I thought you might be cold. It gets chilly in the mountains once the sun sets.” He held out her jacket. Lucy wasn’t sure if she should resent the fact that he had thought for her but decided that it had been a kind gesture. She smiled at him and saw with a trace of amusement the look of relief and happiness stretch across his face for just a second before fading into the background.   
"Thank you," Lucy said. He came closer and hesitated as if wondering if he should help her with it. Finally, he just laid it gently on her lap.   
“Pretty night.” He commented. Lucy nodded. He didn’t linger but instead said softly, “Good night.”  
Lucy didn't ask him to stay like the old her would have. The old her would have done anything to remove the look of sadness from his face. But she was tired of that. So she just repeated his greeting and sat there silently contemplating the sunset until she, at last, went inside to try to fight the nightmares that would be sure to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: More rough stuff. This chapter may seem like Wyatt and Lucy are farther apart but in reality, they have to get through this rough stuff. I don’t believe Lucy really believes that Wyatt loves her. He gave too many mixed signals. He is trying to help, hence the gifts, but not always in the best sort of way. Wyatt also apologizes for accidentally hitting Lucy (something that I hated). I think that’s terribly important to address.   
> I also tried to address the Lucy/Flynn thing. I definitely saw some sparks and there was that line in the script about sparks. But the deleted scene with the “abject horror” line seemed to pretty much preclude romance. I think the writers are trying to tease a love triangle but for the purpose of my story I’m going with some mutual attraction but Lucy has no intention of getting into a relationship with Flynn. Also, my Lucy is bi. It’s a headcanon but I quite like it.   
> I think Lucy absolutely let go in Hollywoodland. She completely threw caution to the winds which was clearly totally new considering her conversation with Wyatt in the Bonnie and Clyde episode. And then she got totally screwed over. It’s not going to be easy to come back from that. Her defenses are way up.   
> The conversation between Lucy and Wyatt in the car is one of my favorite. I know it’s rough but they both get out their frustration and that is healing in an odd sort of way. Wyatt’s line about dirty work kinda surprised me when I wrote it. Because that was his job. But I think what he meant was that he wanted to keep Lucy innocent to the effects of murder as long as possible. I don’t think Lucy entirely understood what he meant because he doesn’t know how to communicate. It’s a weird line but I kinda like it. I think Lucy is afraid Wyatt doesn’t love this more hardened version of herself. That he fell in love with an idealized picture of her much like Jessica was idealized in his head. In reality, Lucy doesn’t know it but Wyatt loves her in every single version of herself including the hardened one. Still, I do think he has a tendency to idealize those he loves including Lucy. I personally really enjoy the fire and water references. Especially since I believe I wrote this before the pool scene was released.


	5. Chapter 5 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How easy it is to love you- in other words, to seal my lips…To love you means to protect you from my kiss. How easy it is to love you-in each pore of my skin; to hatch the warm chrysalis in each cell of the honeycomb. Touch, smell, memory, habit, familiarity-to give wings to them all, to give you the right to be with another.  
> Diana Anphimiadi
> 
> Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts. The section is marked so please skip if this will trigger you.

Wyatt hadn't known exactly how great the distance between him and Lucy had grown until that day. Seeing her cooly accept his apology and turn it over to Flynn had stung more than he cared to admit. It didn't matter that he knew he deserved every second. The pain was still there. It had been of his own making but it didn't stop it. Then on the car ride, she had clearly made her choice known. She was changed, in ways that he hadn't seen until now, and it was Flynn who understood her. Due to the diary, of course, but more than that. There was someone else underneath it all. Underneath Lucy Preston's sweet smiling face there was a fierceness he had just begun to see.   
The ache settled somewhere between his ribs and stomach. It was a hundred different agonizing things that made it so. And all of them of his own making. He walked away from Lucy sitting on the pier and went inside. Olivia was reading a book and Mark was watching TV with Flynn. Some sort of sports game. Soccer probably. Nobody else except Connor liked soccer. Michelle was fluttering back and forth arranging things and calling orders to her wife. Wyatt hadn't really seen Denise and Michelle up close and personal and he found their marriage to be a strange contrast to his. Despite the obvious pressure of Denise's job she and Michelle had kept their family together, loved each other deeply and communicated well. How was it that at the end of his marriage the only noble act Jessica had ever committed was not murdering him and his friends? What a statement of love.  
Michelle came over and said, "Would you help me with this? I'm trying to hang this fairy light and I can't reach that high."   
Wyatt smiled at her and said, "Of course, ma'am." He saw it as a deliberate attempt to make him feel welcome and it touched him. Michelle was tall enough to reach that high but she wanted to include him in her plans.   
"I haven't been called ma'am since I left Georgia." She replied but unlike Lucy, she seemed to find his address of her amusing. She grinned and said, "I knew a southern boy when I saw him."  
He tacked up the lights thinking about what a difference she had made already. None of the others would have cared a rats ass about fairy lights or candles or anything like that. He had never been in that kind of home. Jessica, his Jessica and not the evil Rittenhouse version, had never put much time into decorating since they moved so frequently. He had used to wonder at homes with Christmas lights and picket fences and candles brightly burning. Lucy probably liked this sort of thing. He liked it too even though he wouldn't admit it for the world.   
(TW Begins)  
He went to bed and found that for the first time since it all happened he wasn't surrounded by the immediate memories of Jessica's betrayal. Maybe it was the new location or the fact that her coming back in the scope of six years had been a remarkably short time. Maybe because something in him had sensed from the beginning that there was something wrong with this Jessica. He undressed and fell into bed exhausted. No sooner than the lights were off than the memories started. He didn't tend to get nightmares. Instead, he got nights when his mind went into a vicious casualty loop of all the truly horrible things he had seen or done. It would go on for hours, sometimes all night, until he would get up shaken and try to get through the day. That night Rufus weighed heavily in his waking thoughts but also Lucy talking about how she understood Flynn and seeing the distance and pain on her face. He saw Jiya's grief-stricken appearance and Connor's attempts at cheering her. He saw Jessica's face and her holding her stomach while swearing allegiance to Rittenhouse. He saw a child holding a gun and pointing it at him. He saw his dad beating him up and his tears and the time he had first contemplated ending it all.  
It would be so easy. So easy to just pick up his gun and put it to his head and blast his brains out. So easy to just give up. He had once kept himself alive by thinking up ways to save Rufus. But they didn't need him. He was just the additional soldier. It wasn't like he was a pilot or something. This was the dangerous point. He had flirted with suicide too many times in his life not to recognize the warning signs.   
Just feeling the general desire to die, that death would be easier and that he didn't deserve to live, wasn't particularly dangerous. He'd lived so long feeling that way that it didn't faze him. After Jessica's death and the team in Syria, he started thinking seriously about killing himself. Thinking about methods and how if he died there was nobody left to contact. No one who'd really give a damn. That was the dangerous point.   
Then he met Lucy and Rufus. He slowly found himself caring about life. Caring for them. Rufus became the brother he never had. Lucy...Lucy broke through his walls with the sweet, clumsy charm that melted his heart. He couldn't say the particular moment that he fell in love with her, it was a million moments and none whatsoever. It was the first time she roundly chastised him for calling her ma'am and the last time she told him that he didn't understand her. Jessica's return had thrown him for a loop making him question everything and the incredibly bad timing of being in love with two women at the same time. Until he found himself unable to let Lucy go. Unable to relinquish their bond even when it was clear that there was no hope that it could do anything but sever their hearts painfully.   
He sat up again. Sleep was out of the question. If he kept on thinking he'd fall into that trap. The one where he'd start thinking about guns and ropes and what was there after death. He had to keep his focus. The thing he needed more than anything was to keep Rittenhouse from winning.   
(TW Ends)  
The new bunker was larger and therefore no one had to sleep on the couch. Wyatt went into the training room and began running through his old workout. Mechanically running through pushups, situps, and burpees trying to allow his mind to empty of all thought except the burn of muscles and power in his own body. He pushed himself as hard as he could stand, until he felt like throwing up, hoping that somehow thoroughly exhausting himself would make his brain shut off. This particular method of coping with the memories had always been safer than drinker but not as effective. There was little more effective than drinking for clearing the head. Of course, at the end of the day, it just made things worse.  
He went back to his room and found the bottle of whiskey Jessica must have left. It was unopened and the only possession of hers he hadn't destroyed. It was with almost ironic fashion that he opened it thinking A toast to Rittenhouse. To Jessica, your Jessica. The only thing of value you left behind. Ironic indeed because Jessica had complained about his drinking while the only thing he had kept was this bottle. The sting of liquor didn't mix particularly well with his already unsettled stomach but he pushed back nausea and leaned his head against the wall. It would be a long night.  
It was. The next morning, he must have fallen asleep towards morning, he was shaken awake by Lucy who glanced around at the empty room and the open liquor bottle. He had expected her to chastise him for drinking but she seemed unsurprised. If anything she looked with understanding.   
"Emma jumped," Lucy said. He nodded and stood up. The liquor had only a mild effect now, giving a slight light headedness but nothing like some of his old drinking binges. He had known he couldn't afford that. Emma could jump at any time.  
"Where to?" he asked.  
"St. Louis, 1904 during the World's Fair." Lucy pulled away and said over her shoulder, "Get a cup of coffee down you. We don't need a drunk soldier."  
Lucy's matter of fact tone was a cup of cold water in his face. She was right of course. His despair was making him out into the victim when he was the villain. He could never forget that. He found Jiya and Flynn already up and dressed. Jiya's eyes were red-rimmed as she and Conner went over the plans. Wyatt couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for Jiya. Her expertise in piloting was required in order to allow them to go on missions at all. And she knew that she couldn't give in like Wyatt had.  
Jiya gave Lucy a quiet nod as they took their places, "Are you ok to do this?" Lucy asked.  
Jiya shrugged, "It doesn't matter, does it? I'm the only pilot. But yeah, I can do this."  
The landing wasn't quite as smooth as with Rufus but Jiya was still an accomplished pilot. Lucy, who had buckled her own seatbelt, struggled a little with removing it. Wyatt forced himself not to help her. He didn't have that right, not anymore. He watched Flynn who hesitated. Jiya reached over and helped Lucy. She and Lucy exchanged watery glances as Jiya shut off the Lifeboat's controls. Wyatt fought back the crushing pain of knowing that Rufus wasn't here. Not here to make stupid jokes or science things up or just be the friend they had all counted on. Wyatt didn't feel so good about being at another World's Fair with Flynn. He didn't trust Flynn not to turn his back on them.   
"So what does Rittenhouse want here?" Wyatt asked.  
"It could be anything. The 1904 World's Fair was full of dignitaries and important people. It could also have something to do with the Philippine Exhibit." Lucy answered.  
"What was that?" asked Jiya.  
"America fought the Spanish during the Spanish American War and won. After winning they tried taking over the former Spanish colony of the Philippines. But the Filippino's put up a heavy fight. Eventually, the Americans won but not after inflicting heavy casualties on the Filippino people and torturing many of the soldiers fighting against their former allies. After they ‘pacified' the nation America put the people ‘on display' in the World's Fair. It was more like a human zoo complete with every racist stereotype known. The purpose was to justify America's colonial venture. Many were critical since America pretended to be against colonialism like France and England." Lucy finished her lecture turned around.  
"Why would Rittenhouse try to stop that? Wouldn't they like it?" Flynn was frowning. "I'm sure Rittenhouse supports colonialization."  
"Yeah, well, there are a lot of important people who came. President Roosevelt did briefly attend but not for some time after this point. Helen Keller gave a speech. They also could be targeting Geronimo."  
"I can see Geronimo but why Helen Keller? Wasn't she like really harmless? I mean why would Rittenhouse hate her?" Jiya asked.  
Lucy chuckled, "Helen Keller harmless? She was a radical Socialist who helped found the ACLU. She was a feminist, pacifist and even though her radical views aren't known today she was highly controversial. She was against Woodrow Wilson as well. I wouldn't be surprised if Wilson was Rittenhouse."  
"No surprise why Rittenhouse would hate her," Flynn remarked.  
"Ok, let's split up. Flynn and I will go try to find Helen Keller. Wyatt, you and Jiya better go and check on the exhibits. Rittenhouse could be targeting the people there. Or Geronimo." Lucy was in her element as she dashed off.   
Wyatt turned to Jiya who nodded. The World's Fair was even larger than the Chicago one but gave him the same unsettling feeling. Watching the "exhibits" of people was particularly distasteful. Jiya frowned and whispered, "I don't belong here. I just keep feeling like I'm there. Like those people…it's just…too much."   
Wyatt couldn't even begin to understand how hard it must be for Jiya. Or for the people who were displayed like they weren't even human. And from the pamphlet, he and Jiya read the organizers didn't really consider these people human.   
"Excuse me. Where is the exhibit with Geronimo?" Wyatt hailed one of the uniformed workers. The man smiled affably and said, "Right over there. I hope you and your wife have a fine time. One of the best exhibits in the whole place."  
The man gave a distinctive double take when he saw Jiya. Jiya stepped back and said unsteadily, "Thank you."   
She looked close to tears but blinked them back. Wyatt had known how hard it was for Rufus and Lucy to go back in time but it seemed a different battle for Jiya who was not just not white but also a woman. There wasn't time to focus on that though. There was Rittenhouse to catch.  
He kept a sharp eye for Emma and even Jessica. The idea of seeing his now ex-wife made his stomach twist. Jessica was pregnant. And seemed to care nothing for either him or the child. He saw no sign of either. All he saw were hoards of people and endless numbers of people. He tried getting a couple into a conversation that might lead him to figure out where Rittenhouse was. The couple, a Mr. a Mrs. Dalloway from New York, where friendly enough but kept casting curious glances between Wyatt and Jiya.   
" So how long have you been married?" Said Mrs. Dalloway. She smiled but her voice displayed more than a little curiosity.  
"Less than a year," Wyatt answered. He gave Jiya a smile but he knew it would be nearly impossible to pretend anything more than familial affection for her. Jiya was like a little sister. Thankfully in 1904 public displays of affection were still very much taboo.  
After spending more fruitless moments with the couple that seemed inclined to talk Wyatt and Jiya finally made their way back to the meeting place where they would meet Lucy and Flynn. Wyatt saw Lucy and Flynn standing near the tree arm in arm. Lucy's smile had come back she talked animatedly with her companion. A shiver of something like dread filled him. Lucy hadn't looked like that with him in months. Not since 1941. She looked relaxed and at peace if only for a moment. Had she so quickly forgotten what happened the last time they were at a World's Fair?  
"So what did you find?" he asked as he came upon them. Jiya was pulling further away and looked overwhelmed. Lucy went and put her arm around her.  
"We got the sleeper agent. He was after Helen. I met Helen. It was incredible. She was such an inspirational person." Lucy gushed. "I know she had problematic views about eugenics but it's still pretty incredible. I shook her hand."  
"Wow. The only people we met were creepy racists." Jiya deadpanned. It was a Rufus like statement. "And had to pretend to be married to someone else after losing the love of my life."  
Lucy winced, "I'm sorry. We'll figure out something else. And you're probably not used to these corsets. I promise they get easier."  
"I'm used to corsets. Wore them for three years." Jiya said. Lucy's face twisted with sadness. It was hard to remember that what had been just a few weeks for them had been years for Jiya.  
Lucy deliberately turned her back on him and walked with Jiya to the Lifeboat. He deserved her chilling, he knew he did, but it still hurt. What hurt worse, not for him but for Jiya, was knowing how horrible it had gone for her. Jiya was incredibly strong but had been through far too much.  
As soon as they touched down in the present Jiya rushed off to her room. Lucy gave her a pained look and then said, "We're going to have to change our strategy. Next time you and Jiya pair up Flynn. You don't particularly resemble each other but you look more alike than Wyatt does. I think she…she just feels guilty and horrible because…." Lucy paused and took a second to recover, "Anyway…it's just. Oh god, this just…"  
Lucy shook her head and muttered a "Excuse me" under her breath before disappearing. Neither Wyatt or Flynn had been given the opportunity to answer her. But there had been no need. Both worked under her orders. In some strange way, Lucy Preston had become their general inspiring the greatest loyalty and devotion. Even if he hadn't been in love with her Wyatt would have recognized her superior nature.   
"Well, I guess I've gained a sister." Flynn quipped. Wyatt glared at him. He wasn't even sure why anymore. Maybe because he and Lucy had been talking so closely. Maybe because through it all Wyatt Logan was still the reckless, angry guy that got Jessica, his Jessica, killed. The same stupid guy who destroyed his relationship with Lucy and got Rufus killed. There was so much to atone for, far beyond what he could ever do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope we catch a glimpse of Agent Christopher’s family in the movie although I doubt it considering the time constraints. I love the little interaction between him and Michelle. I think it’s important for him to have a normal interaction with someone who isn’t part of the team and knows all about his failures.  
> This is a rough chapter for him. He was clearly already struggling with depression back when he talks about taking the job because he had stopped caring and we saw it in the Alamo episode. And then Rufus’s death, losing his connection to Lucy and have Jessica betray him was the final straw. I love the part where he thinks about how he fell in love with Lucy. I think it’s one of my favorite parts of the chapter.   
> The jump to the 1904 World’s Fair and especially the heavy focus on the Philippine’s Exhibit was because I actually wrote my research paper in college on that event. I’m a history major so that was definitely a cool thing to throw into the story. We also see Jiya start to show a little weakness. I love her to pieces and I don’t want to portray her as some sort of superhuman goddess. It’s particularly hard pretending to be married to someone else while mourning Rufus. And the beginning of the super cool Jiya/Flynn brotp starts. When we get Rufus back and Riya gets married he’ll totally give her away at the wedding ;). This chapter is short on Lyatt but in the next chapter Lucy finds out some important information about Wyatt’s feelings for her.


	6. Chapter 6 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am waiting for you without knowing why, from the feeling of hopeless loneliness in this world, which I feel in the emptiness of my study, where it is so vaguely-quiet, so cooly-silent, where I am alone, as if I am alone in the whole world.  
> Nikolay Punin

Lucy didn't know how much longer she could stand it. Thankfully she hadn't seen Emma or she might have tried to do something desperate. Like trying to kill her. Lucy knew these thoughts were so opposed to her usual nature. But she was so angry. So very angry. She thought of how she couldn't trust Wyatt anywhere near Jessica. He could very well betray them all, in that thoughtless way he had, in a fit of trying to save Jessica and the baby. Lucy's stomach dropped as she thought of it. This was exactly why love was so dangerous. Why she had tried to avoid it. It hurt so badly that the anger felt more comfortable. Much easier to avoid thinking when you're angry.  
Lucy found Jiya in the midst of another vision. She had been told not to disturb her but to allow her to sit in peace until it passed. Lucy knew once she came out of it she would probably be weak but right now there was nothing Lucy could do. Lucy passed her way into the room next door where Olivia and Mark were studying. She had agreed to teach them History and some English. Connor Mason and Jiya would help them with math and science. Michelle would do most of the other homeschooling related subjects.  
"Lucy, are you ok?" She saw Olivia look alarmed at her. She probably looked exhausted and messed up. Then she realized that her dress was torn from the sleeper agent trying to grab her and Flynn pulling her back.  
"Yeah, just got my dress caught on something." Lucy finished. Olivia went back to her book. Olivia was the reader, reminding Lucy of herself at that age. Mark was clearly the more outdoorsy sports-obsessed one. The only advantage of the new accommodations was that there was plenty of opportunities to do outdoor activities. It was almost like camp minus the hoards of other campers.  
"Everyone seems so sad," Olivia said.  
"That's because one of our team died. You remember Rufus?" Lucy replied. Her voice shook.  
"I guess so. He gave me a chocolate Twinkie. And made a lot of jokes. He was nice." Olivia replied.  
"He was." Lucy shook the haze from her eyes and said, "Here I want you to read these two chapters before next week."  
After having got the kids, it was funny how they had become "the kids", settled on homework Lucy allowed herself the luxury of sitting down and thinking. It wasn't good to think too much. She had learned that the hard way. Think too much and she spiraled down a path of Amy, her mother, and Rufus. Think too much and she would think about Wyatt and Jessica and the pain of betrayal. Think too much and she'd start contemplating how horribly callous she had become.  
She pulled out a pen and notebook and began planning. It had been a huge part of her former life, deciding syllabus and setting schedules but since joining the team her schedule had been centered around jumps. It still was but Lucy knew they all had things to do. The first thing was training. Wyatt was right. Lucy wasn't prepared to take on Rittenhouse in this condition. Lucy frowned as she considered whom she would ask to train her. She didn't want Wyatt, wasn't sure if she could stand the close proximity, and keep her focus. But Flynn brought his own problems and furthermore Lucy wasn't quite heartless enough to totally treat Wyatt like shit. Besides, there was Jiya to think of. What would she prefer? Lucy decided she would leave it up to Jiya. That way no matter what course was decided it would be Jiya's decision. That was probably incredibly cowardly but Lucy didn't know what else to do. Lucy tried imaging spending hours on end alone with Wyatt in a training sense and decided that cowardice was better.  
The next thing was pilot training. Jiya needed backup. Lucy could only imagine how difficult this would be. Neither Wyatt nor she was particularly skilled in anything tech or science related and she could barely buckle her own seatbelt. But they were the only people who could do it. So they would do it.  
Finally, there was studying history. Lucy had finally accepted that the history she knew wasn't up to date with the history that the rest of the world knew. Her history was a fossilized time capsule of a world that no longer existed. She needed to keep up with current history. And she needed to make sure her teammates were keeping up as well. They needed to improve their cover stories.  
Lucy put her notebook back on the table and took a long sip of tea. Frankly, she didn't want tea but it was a bit too early to break into the bottle of vodka she had stashed away. She had gone into Wyatt's room that morning to find him leaning against the wall with an open bottle of whiskey. The look on his face had frightened her. She hadn't been around after Jessica's death to see him unravel. Now she feared he was doing the same thing. Lucy didn't think she could take on his pain. It was far too all-compassing for her to bear with her own pain.  
She knew that she loved him. But to love was too be in pain. And she was tired of pain. She couldn't trust him or his words. She couldn't trust that he truly loved her. Not after leaving her to find Jessica and preparing to leave them forever to be with Jessica. She knew it partly had to do with duty and the baby but Jessica had been the miracle and Lucy had been the life preserver. Still was a life preserver. It was too painful. She had known all along she could never compete with Jessica in his heart. While Jessica was dead that wasn't a problem. Lucy knew that people moved on and could be happy. But once Jessica showed up alive, and now Rittenhouse, his declaration of love smacked of desperation. He'd never have told her that if Jessica wasn't evil. And that made Lucy overpoweringly mad. She didn't want to be a life preserver, damn it. She wanted, for once in her life, to be loved, fully and completely for herself. Not compared to Jessica or any other dead woman. Just herself. Maybe she had been a fool to let go of Noah. He had seemed fully devoted to her. He was probably Rittenhouse but at least he had loved her.  
"Are you…ok?" Denise's voice sounded far away as she came into view. She sank down at the kitchen table with her mug of green tea and a tired smile. Lucy nodded but she knew that Denise wasn't fooled. Denise had become a mother to her in the last few months. Lucy tried not thinking of her mother. That only brought more pain.  
"No, but I will be. Eventually." Lucy said.  
"Listen, I know this is difficult. If you need to take some time off I can arrange for you to get full protection. Maybe take a vacation?" Denise patted her hand and went on, "I'm worried you're going to get sick or something."  
"I can't leave right now. Not with the way things are." Lucy forced a smile.  
"You know that damn boy loves you. I'm not saying that should make a difference but if you're wondering." Denise gave a sad smile. "I know he made so many mistakes. I'm mad at him myself. For not trusting me. For not trusting someone. But I also didn't handle it right. I can't forgive myself for that."  
Lucy hesitated, "It's pointless to beat ourselves up over it. What's done is done."  
"I know. But he does love you. I think that made it worse." Denise paused and then went on, "He got so distracted by his feelings he didn't use his head. I warned him that he needed to get his head together after he wouldn't shoot your mother on the Rittenhouse raid. He had her in full range and he refused to shoot. Said his gun jammed."  
"He went on that raid alone? What are you talking about? He didn't shoot?" Lucy's head felt like it might explode. It was all so confusing.  
"Yes, he was the only person I trusted. I told him to shoot, I'm sorry Lucy but I had to. You're mother, she was Rittenhouse. But Wyatt couldn't do it. That's when I knew how emotionally compromised he always was over you. I mean I knew it before. When you were kidnapped. He practically went crazy." Denise swirled the tea in her glass.  
Lucy didn't know how to process this. Denise had told him to shoot. And Wyatt had directly disobeyed a clear order? Lucy remembered how Jessica had pretended to leave and wondered if there had been some grain of truth in the other woman's statement. The feeling of betrayal, as unfair as it was considering how her mother had treated Denise, combined with the overwhelming situation with Wyatt made her head spin.  
"What do you mean crazy?" Lucy asked. She didn't want to believe that what he said was true. That Wyatt really did love her. Because it made his behavior seem so confusing and it made all those sleepless nights more poignant. It reminded her that she'd told him he loved Jessica, that she was a miracle and he hadn't said anything.  
"I didn't understand at the time. I thought, well I guess in this timeline he was, married. And I'm not stupid. His extreme anxiety over you made me a little uneasy. But of course, it was totally different in your timeline. He stalked around this place brooding and driving us all crazy. I honestly thought you were dead. They found blood at your home. But Wyatt refused to accept you were dead. He took a blowtorch to the door to try to drill his way out of the bunker. When I told him to stop he told me to court marshal him. And when I was going to send someone else to go with him and Rufus he refused to say that seat had to be saved for you. I've never seen someone so determined to get someone back. Rufus confirmed that it happened in your timeline too." Denise's words filtered over her like a cloud making her feel lightheaded. Wyatt cared that much? His behavior sounded eerily similar to what he had done to save Jessica. But why then had he left her just standing there?  
"I'm not saying he doesn't love me. I know he does. He said so. But…he loves…loved Rufus and everyone else. I just…I'm not willing to be second best. Not anymore. And frankly, I'm just tired of taking all this bull shit. I'm tired of accepting things and just smiling and pretending it doesn't fucking hurt." Lucy hoped Denise wouldn't think she was crazy. She felt crazy.  
"Good for you Lucy. Because that's exactly the response you should have. You wouldn't be true to yourself if you had any other. Just…"  
"Just what?" Lucy asked.  
"Just stop undervaluing yourself. Ok? I might be your neighborhood lesbian mom but I remember back in the day noticing how incredible you were. Even back then. Here was this confident, slightly awkward woman who was so confident. I didn't understand how this would work but I believed in you and Jiya. So trust me when I tell you that you'll never be second best." Denise spoke with conviction that Lucy didn't feel.  
"Thank you, Denise." The older woman smiled sadly and squeezed her hand before Lucy got up.  
When she went into the room she shared with Jiya she found her friend staring listlessly at the wall. Lucy's heart ached to see Jiya's pain. "I'm sorry I've not been very helpful." She said.  
"You have been. Just being here has helped. And I know you understand how I'm feeling." Jiya said softly.  
"I told Wyatt and Flynn that we'd change tactics. This time Flynn can pretend to be your brother or cousin or something."  
"They obey every word you say. We should call you General Lucy. Sorry I got so upset. It's just…I felt like I was betraying him…" Jiya's voice trailed off.  
"Of course. We all understand." Lucy took her hand and squeezed it gently.  
"Things are going to be different from now on," Jiya said.  
"Yeah," Lucy commented. "By the way, we need some training. Especially me. We can't be civilians who can't fight anymore."  
Jiya shrugged, "Fine by me. I'm pretty good at breaking people's wrists. But I could use some new tactics. I think middle-aged 19th-century prostitutes aren't the best trainers although those ladies were pretty tough."  
"You weren't…" Lucy's voice rose in horror. Had Jiya been a prostitute in 1888?  
"No, I wasn't a prostitute. I was a saloon girl. But I was friends with some of them. And they were all really good people. Most of those women didn't know what else to do. It wasn't like there were a lot of options. I won't have a bad word said about prostitutes again. They have the right to do what the hell they want to do with their bodies." Jiya's tone made Lucy flush. She had been silently judging these women, despite knowing that it was wrong. That most prostitutes back then had little choice and even if they did have a choice it was their bodies. "You know I know nobody would treat me the same if I was a prostitute. None of you would. You'd think of me as dirty."  
Lucy shook her head. "You're right. I was being judgmental. And it was wrong. I'm sorry."  
Jiya shrugged, "It's just…I'm sorry but I didn't understand until I spent time there."  
It was strange how much Jiya had changed. Lucy hated the look of constant sadness on her face. But Jiya was the strongest person she had ever met. She still did what she needed to.  
"I'll train with Flynn. Since he's my brother now." Jiya laughed. "Rufus wouldn't be happy about it."  
Lucy grinned as she imagined how upset Rufus would be. That brought a rush of grief that she tried to push away by thinking of something else. She was training with Wyatt now. The idea made her stomach tie up in knots. Part of her wondered if Jiya was intentionally forcing them together. Another part of her wondered if Jiya was still angry with Wyatt for what happened. At any rate, it was going to be hard.  
"Hey, this way you can get out all your anger at him." Jiya's face expressed some concern.  
"Yeah, it will be fine. Now, what about piloting lessons?" Lucy found herself pushing aside difficult Wyatt thoughts in preparation for thinking about the missions.  
"I'll start right away. I think Connor, you and Wyatt should learn. I don't trust Flynn not to try to steal the Lifeboat and do something crazy." Jiya had resumed her serious expression.  
"I don't expect to get very far." Lucy sighed. "Math and science were never my strong points."  
"It's pretty technical but if you pay close attention and understand the basics it's not too bad." Lucy wasn't fooled. Jiya was way better at understanding science than she was.  
After their conversation, Jiya pulled back her covers and turned out her bedside lamp. Lucy pulled out her bottle of alcohol and stood up. She was tired and lonely and wanted to get drunk and angry and complain about Rittenhouse. She knew just the person who would let her do that. More than that. Would join her in her bitter thoughts and encourage them.  
"Lucy…" she could hear Jiya's voice distantly in the silent night air.  
"Yeah, I'm just gonna go…" she began.  
"Drinking in Flynn's room." Jiya finished. "Ok, I'm not judging you. I promise. You are totally capable of making your own decisions. But I wouldn't do that."  
"Why?" Lucy began. "He's not so bad once you get to know him."  
"I know. But that's not the point. The point is that you are angry, lonely and planning to get drunk. And those things don't mix well with an equally angry and lonely person who definitely has a thing for you but also has a conveniently dead wife. I just don't want you getting hurt. This feels like Jessica 2.0."  
Lucy flinched. "We're just friends. I'm not planning anything…I don't want…He doesn't…."  
Jiya chuckled darkly, "Heard that before. Just be careful… Lucy. I don't want to see you get hurt again."  
Lucy nodded. "I guess I'll just…go outside and find a place by the lake."  
"I'm not trying to stop your fun. Or way of coping or whatever. Just if you plan a casual one night stand can it be someone who doesn't work here or has a dead wife or you know is kinda a psycho." Lucy chuckled just a little bit. Jiya's droll tone reminded her of another person. It made the smile slip from her face. She clutched her bottle closer.  
"Yeah…well, I'll go. And drink alone. Which is no fun. But…I think you're right." Lucy shut the door and moved along the hall until she found the back door. While there were alarms Lucy knew the password and was able to get outside without them going off. That was one advantage to their new location. She made her way to the bench along the lakeshore.  
She opened her bottle and drank a huge gulp feeling a now familiar sting of liquor. The numbness settled into her brain, washing the despair to the periphery. Right now real peace was impossible. She'd have to make due with liquid courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some people are questioning Lucy's reactions and thinking she's coming off too angry and vengeful. Well, I can understand and I really am striving to not come off OOC. Lucy is holding on to her anger because it's a coping mechanism to deal with the immense pain she's feeling. Eventually, the anger will disappear but the pain will take much longer. She knows Wyatt is hurting but she doesn't have the ability to help him. I think she also hasn't faced up to the fact that she kept pushing him towards Jessica and refused to have a conversation with him over what he really wanted. So she's mad at him for not choosing her even while taking that option off the table. Is it necessarily a fair response? Probably not. But it's a normal, human response. I don't think she could have made another choice when it came to the Jessica thing. Although I did cringe when she kept telling him how he was feeling.  
> The conversation with Denise over Wyatt's actions when she was with Rittenhouse was so important. Denise's memories are a little different since she only remembers Wyatt as married but since Rufus isn't available to tell the story I had to use her. We can assume for the sake of the story that Wyatt acted exactly the same as he did in his timeline. Lucy is still unable to believe Wyatt loves her both because of how he treated her and because of her own insecurities. I think she's terrified of being second best and with good reason. Wyatt treated her that way.  
> The conversation with Jiya is also a fav of mine. I love the Lucy/Jiya friendship and it features heavily in this story. Jiya mentioning prostitutes is just my way of trying to bring up the plight of many sex workers in the 19th century. There is a lot of judgment around sex work that continues even now. I don't think Lucy was consciously judging but obviously, she was viewing it from an outsiders perspective versus Jiya who was actually friends with them. I think Lucy is very accepting of women doing what they want with their bodies.  
> And then the Garcy stuff. I think Jiya sees the pitfalls of a potential relationship way more than Lucy who is too grief-stricken and angry to think logically about exactly what she wants. And Jiya is too good a friend to let Lucy slide into a messy, drunken one night stand that could really hurt her. I'm not promoting a love triangle but I feel like this particular plot is well within keeping with canon. I don't ship it but I don't want to ignore the possibilities of a romance. Since its pretty clear the writers were heading for another love triangle. (Which by the way I hate and could possibly make me stop watching. I hate love triangles hence why it occupies such a small part of my story.)


	7. Chapter 7 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I return to visit my love, quietly I want the coldness of my heart to be taken away. I yearn for tenderness… Oh my love I will travel all night. No one has held me for a long time, anxiety ever present. The truth: dreaming is lonely, the further away, the closer to this one time. No one has held me for so long…I remember your warm embrace. Each night in my dreams one loneliness reach out and sundered closeness, yearning for the time to pass when sorrow would fade and cold would thaw.  
> Anylcarn Chanthathisp

"So here is the rough schedule that Denise and I worked up last night. I suspect there will be some changes but this seemed to fit the general pattern and allow us to develop a little more regularity." Lucy said after they had gathered together for a team meeting. She placed the sheet and added, "If there is anything that you want to change it's very flexible."  
"So I'll be training you?" Wyatt questioned. There was a tiny flicker of hope in his heart that she hadn't completely cut him off.  
"Yes, Jiya requested that since she and Flynn will be working together on missions when we split up." Wyatt felt as if he had been punched. It hadn't been Lucy that had requested it. They were so disconnected from each other she didn't even want to train with him. But why would she? Hoping had been a stupid delusion, one of his many stupid delusions.  
The piloting lessons would be fine although Wyatt didn't hold out much hope that Jiya could teach Lucy or him much. He hadn't ever done anything remotely as complex as piloting a time machine. The history lessons struck him as odd but he didn't want to mention it. Somehow Lucy's cool professionalism made him hesitate.  
"So you're planning to teach us history? Are you assigning papers, Professor?" Flynn pointed to the line on the list Wyatt had been wondering about.  
"It's just…History is so altered at this point, not just from the present time but a change in 1895 could change something in 1924 and so on. I'm trying to keep up on the newest research but I can't keep up. I'm a library of outdated historical research. I wouldn't even be able to teach anymore. I'd have to go back to school." Lucy's voice shook as she said, " So I need research assistants. We need to figure out what's changed and try to preempt Rittenhouse. Otherwise, we're just going to be on the defensive. Or lose."  
" That's a good idea," Wyatt said. Lucy never failed to impress him with her intelligence.  
"I can help you with that. Not quite as much of an expert as the professor here but I'd like to think I'd have gotten an A in her class." Flynn spoke up. Of course, Garcia Flynn would be a history buff. Endless hours of impressing her with the grasp of his knowledge. The fact that he had never been to college, rarely read books like that, and wouldn't know much about history outside of cars and the military caused him to feel completely worthless. Well, he was worthless. He was a drag. A stupid soldier who hadn't even done his job right.  
"I wouldn't be so sure of it. I was considered a tough grader. And you'd have to show some respect for history, unlike your previous record." Lucy smiled slightly. "But I could use the help."  
"I have something to talk about," Jiya announced. "We need to figure out what new strategy to employ. Now that Emma is control of Rittenhouse we need to know what her plan is. I have a feeling she isn't going to run it in the same way."  
"There is something weird going on. She's made only one jump in the last month. And even there we didn't see her." Wyatt answered.  
"What if…" Lucy began. Then shook her head, "No, that's crazy."  
"What?" Flynn asked. "Spit it out."  
"What if she is changing the present? Recruiting from people living today. Don't forget Emma isn't blood Rittenhouse. The people that surround her aren't either. A hierarchical blood-based society isn't going to get very far. But a populist, right-wing, nationalist group? That could be devastating."  
There was silence. Lucy was right. If Emma were employing those tactics fighting them would be nearly impossible. It would be easy to plant Rittenhouse agents in both the present and the past. Creating a web of influence that they wouldn't be able to break. Jessica's words about how wonderful Rittenhouse was coming back to him. How many people was that sucking in?  
"Well, then…we're fucked." Jiya said. "I mean Trump won and Emma is probably promising to erase Robert Mueller from history. Then she's going to find every single shady politician and promise to hide those sex tapes and that's how she becomes the 46th President of the United States."  
"That sounds truly horrifying." Lucy shook her head. "We need to take her down."  
"At least we all agree on that," Flynn said.  
"Lucy, this situation is extremely dangerous. If she gains access in government then we'll lose our jobs. And the protection of the government." Agent Christopher looked up and added, "So far Rittenhouse has despised most people in the right-wing nationalist movement, despite sharing many characteristics, because Rittenhouse is a blood-based hierarchy. But Emma is a complete outlier. She gained control through killing and her own intelligence. She has her sights set on something more impressive than running a ragtag team of aristocrats."  
"So what do we do?" Jiya said. "We can't track her movements in the present."  
"We need to monitor what kind of material is being produced by these people. See if any of their information is based on Rittenhouse material. Then track the accounts. Jessica left her computer and cell phone. I've been going over it with a fine toothcomb. So far I haven't gotten much. She was smart enough to keep her communication to a minimum except when it comes to normal use. But there are some interesting hits. Lots of YouTube videos that were produced by the Russians. Posts on several white supremacist sites. She cleared her cache but I was able to find it. If this is the new direction Rittenhouse is taking then I wouldn't be surprised that your theory is correct, Lucy." Connor Mason announced.  
"I can take over searching for clues. I think it's possible we can use her computer and phone to hack into Rittenhouse's computer system." Jiya smiled, "They took stuff from us. Well, payback's a bitch."  
The meeting, when had they started having them, and Wyatt went back to prepare for his first pilot lesson. He was trying very hard not to think of Jessica on her computer, when he thought she was just scrolling through Amazon, posting horrible things. It was hard to think of her as some sort of fascist. Even worse to think of what she would teach his child. He didn't want to think of Lucy with her coolness and her strong determined, professor voice. He admired Lucy so much, seemingly more day by day, but every day she slipped further and further from him.  
Meantime she and Flynn seemed the best of friends or lovers. He hadn't caught her coming from his room but he had tried very hard not to turn down the corner and see. She frequently slipped out of her room in the middle of the night. Wyatt just stared down the bottom of the glass of whiskey and tried not to think. Tried not to remember or worry or get jealous because jealousy had been part of what forced them apart. He didn't want to know if they were a thing. He would know eventually. In a place as small as this, he was sure to find out. That would be its own special kind of hell. Maybe a well deserved one, but one none the less.  
Jiya was waiting for them when he and Lucy appeared to take their first lesson. She began by showing them the innumerable buttons that composed the Lifeboat. Each one looked exactly the same and there were so many blinking indicator lights it felt as if it might take a decade to just figure out what was what. She showed them the safety levers and pressure valves and battery gauges until Wyatt's head felt like exploding. He was pretty good with technology and could drive pretty much any car, but this was definitely not a car. Lucy seemed to have a similar reaction. She carefully listened to Jiya and repeated the names under her breath in a way he had discovered helped her remember. Wyatt found himself struggling to focus. His brain was so fogged by grief and insomnia that it seemed difficult just putting one foot in front of another.  
"So that's all for right now. I'll give you both copies of a basic manual that you can look over for homework. It has diagrams that you can fill out so you know which button is which." Jiya had kept her patience admirably despite the fact that Olivia and Mark probably would have been a better student. She climbed out of the Lifeboat and went off to grab the books.  
Wyatt glanced at Lucy. Tears were filling her eyes and falling onto her cheeks. She shook her head and whispered, "I can't believe it. What are we going to do without him?"  
This was their pain. A pain that was different than other people's pain. It was the pain of losing their teammate. The person they had trusted with their lives countless times. That was a bond as strong as any family bond. It was a pain that he would never lose.  
"I don't know. I just…it should have been me. Not Rufus. I was the one that caused it and besides. I'm expendable." Wyatt went on. "It shouldn't have been him…damn it. If there is a God then why is it like this? Why?"  
He found the sobs hitting before he could stop them. He was crying for so many things at once. For his father who hadn't ever shown him any love and whom he had hated even while secretly longing for his love and respect. For his Grandpa Sherwin who had taught him anything good about the world. For the Jessica who died six years ago and was still dead in his head. He cried for the baby that would suffer because of Rittenhouse Jessica and how he was powerless to stop it. For Jiya being trapped in the past. For Lucy and breaking her heart. But most of for Rufus. For being the one to let him die. For failing to protect him.  
"No…Wyatt. It shouldn't have been any of us." Lucy's voice was so soft and gentle through her own tears. He didn't open his eyes but he could feel her fingers brush his hair back from his face. "Don't say things like you're expendable. Because you aren't.You never have been and you never will. We need you."  
Lucy Preston was just so nice. Underneath it all, she had to be the purest-hearted woman in the world. Despite it all, her unwavering belief and forgiveness had never ceased. She had saved his life once. And she was saving it again. Lucy leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. He buried his head against her shoulder and fought back ugly sobs.  
"It's all right. It's good to cry." He could hear the sobs in her voice. The tears running down her face landed against his neck. He couldn't stop crying. He hadn't cried like this since he had been a kid. Maybe not ever. It was as if every single terrible thing was coming out in a never-ending stream of grief.  
"Oh Lucy, why Rufus? Why?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Darn, you Lucy. I love you, really I do, but you're being a tiny bit cruel. I do understand but honestly can't you throw him a bone once in a while? Lucy was definitely not in a hurry to make Wyatt think she hadn't slept with Flynn. I carried this forward with the way she's subtly letting it appear like Jiya had made the decision about the training lessons. I don't think Lucy is consciously trying to make Wyatt jealous. She's just trying to avoid any sort of emotional reaction.  
> Poor Wyatt. He's on the self-hatred train so hard I don't think anything can get him off right now. In reality, Wyatt is a very smart guy. Maybe not a history buff (usually) but a tactician and strategist. And he compares himself to Flynn who is clearly a history buff and more "educated". Wyatt doesn't realize that Lucy knows he's smart and admires it. (She was totally impressed and turned on by his knowing 4 languages. You could see it in her face.) And Wyatt jumps to a lot of conclusions here. Most of them wrong.  
> The Rittenhouse stuff is complicated but basically, Rittenhouse is jumping off their aristocratic high horse and getting involved in modern politics. I see Emma as a typical white supremacist conservative while Carol was more like an old-school aristocrat. Emma doesn't give a damn about blood provided you're white and American. This Rittenhouse is way scarier. And probably this sudden shift makes some Rittenhouse people mad. Obviously, Rittenhouse is a fascist organization. Which means both Emma and Jessica and all the other members are trash. I'm plenty pissed when I see the Jessica/Emma stans. They don't deserve it. (Yes, Donald Trump is Rittenhouse. I mean how else did he get elected? Actually, that makes a lot of sense since his family is totally the type of family that is part of Rittenhouse. I suspect Carol and Keynes wouldn't have been very fond of him though. Emma, on the other hand, loves him.)  
> Finally a healing Lyatt moment. My poor Wyatt. He really, really needs that hug and Lucy's support. This is a turning point of a sort for them. They'll have their ups and downs and fights but this is where they start fighting for each other instead of against each other. It may not seem like it but that's what's happening. And yes, this is so sad because this story is just plain sad. Rufus is still gone and I can't deal with that. And Wyatt is so sad and Lucy is so sad and ugh. At least they're sad together.


	8. Chapter 8 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I live with pain  
> That is like a wound; if you   
> touch me, you will   
> Make to me an irreparable   
> Harm.  
> Pablo Neruda

Lucy hadn’t quite known how low Wyatt had sunk until he sat sobbing in her arms. She was crying herself, but that wasn’t new. She had been crying off and on since Rufus was killed. But Wyatt hadn’t ever given way. She had seen him with tears in his eyes but never straight up sobbing. Her heart melted at the agony she could just feel in his body. Her annoyance at him dissipated. She had been rather petty. All day she had unconsciously pitted Wyatt and Flynn against each other and Lucy suddenly felt incredibly ashamed. She gently ran her hand down his back and whispered soothing words that she wasn’t sure he even heard. No matter how badly they hurt each other there would always be a special tenderness between them.   
Finally, he leaned back and wiped his eyes. Lucy looked around and said, "I think there is some tissue at the desk." She scampered down the ladder and back again before handing him the tissue. The door of the Lifeboat was open but she suspected that Jiya had already left. Jiya would understand. He accepted the tissues from her and blew his nose. Already she could see he was ashamed of the crying. She reached out and said, "It's right to mourn him properly."  
“Thank you, Lucy.” He whispered. His eyes were still wet with tears as he glanced at her. It was the strangest expression, one of near adoration. Lucy wondered what she had done to deserve that.   
She stood up and pressed the one button she knew about which shut off the Lifeboat. She climbed back down and watched Wyatt do the same. He looked old suddenly as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. She probably looked the same. "We can't give up hope. We'll bring Rufus back."  
“Yeah,” he whispered but she could tell he didn’t really believe her.   
He turned away and walked towards his room. Part of her wanted to follow and try harder to comfort him. But she had nothing left to give. That short interaction had exhausted her. Lucy turned towards her own room. She was surprised to find that Flynn was sitting in the seat across the room, which had a bird’s eye view of the hatch of the Lifeboat. How long had he been there? She saw his face looked dark and almost angry. Why?   
" I don't understand you, Lucy. After all, you have suffered because of that man and yet you continue to be his emotional comfort. Knowing full well once that wife of his shows up he'll be chasing after her again." Lucy recoiled from his words. She drew herself up as high as she could and stared him in the eyes. The pain that flashed through her at his words made her feel sick. He was right, of course. In that horrible way of his, he was right. He understood her all too well. And she hated it right then. Sometimes it was nice to be understood. But other times it felt invasive as if she was being stripped naked and probed for secrets.   
“I don’t think it’s any of your business what I do or don’t do. Besides you can hardly take the moral high ground. You of all people should understand the lengths people go to save the people they love.” Lucy started to walk away.  
“Wait, Lucy. I didn’t mean any harm. I just don’t want to see you drinking more vodka at three in the morning. I care…I care about you.” His tone had softened and she supposed that he had tried his best. He was just not gifted with anything like tact. It was nice to be cared about. She had no desire to examine exactly what that “care” meant. Better not to examine it too closely.  
“I know.” She walked away this time. He must have seen the whole of that tearful exchange. It made her feel a little annoyed that he had shown no pity that Wyatt was clearly in so much pain. Flynn couldn’t possibly understand. He hadn’t known Rufus and had contributed to having shot Rufus. She knew her response had probably been cold but she wasn’t able to handle all this emotional weight on her.   
She went back to her room and gathered her supplies to begin researching again. It had been a while since she had time to do the more academic side of her profession. She pulled out her stack of sticky notes and her bin of highlighters before settling down on her bed. She had planned to work with Flynn but she was too annoyed and wanted to be alone. Against her own judgment, her memories of Wyatt sobbing in her arms came back to her. The grief and shame were so palatable it had nearly overwhelmed her. He had seemed so broken and lost. Almost like the little boy, he must have been when his father had been so cruel to him.   
A part of her wanted to go to him and comfort him. But she knew she couldn’t do that, not anymore. Theirs had never been a platonic relationship, despite being close friends, and from their inability to compartmentalize during Jessica’s stay Lucy suspected that they could never really regain their old friendship in the same way. Jessica might be out of the picture for now but Lucy wondered what he would do when she appeared again, visibly pregnant. Her heart felt torn to shreds as if the merest brush with him would make it start to bleed.   
Lucy forced herself to focus on her study. She carefully noted down any changes she recognized from the printed work to her own memory. Still, she couldn't be sure that she was either remembering wrong or had missed changes. She wasn't a machine. Reading about the Gilded Age and corruption might not be the usual cure for a broken heart but it did pretty well. She ended up falling asleep with her light on and her book open. It was the first night in months she didn't drink.  
"Lucy, wake up." She started awake as she was being shaken gently. She started to scream but a hand pressed against her mouth. "Shhh, …it's just me. Wyatt. Time for training."  
Lucy blinked in the dark surroundings. She now vaguely remembered Wyatt mentioning that she’d take the first shift of training which was at five in the morning. She suppressed a groan and sat up. Wyatt was an early riser, except when he’d been drinking. She wasn’t looking forward to training. She was totally weak and hopeless.   
“I need coffee.” She muttered as she stood up.   
“No, coffee after training. You just need water now.” His voice was very firm and Lucy realized that despite his guilt when it came to training he’d not budge. Just like she was the historian he was the soldier.   
“I’m never going to be good at this. I mean the most exercise I’ve done is running and yoga. I’m not a fighter. I’m not muscly or strong or tough.” Lucy stood in the middle of the training floor trying to imagine a person as clumsy and bookish as her ever being a good fighter.   
"Well, then change it. With that attitude, you won't get anywhere. But training is what you are going to do. I'm not going easy on you, Lucy, because I know you are capable of it. You're not going to believe in some kind of sexist bullshit that you can't do it." Lucy's eyes widened as he stood before her. For the first time in months, she recognized the person he was before the whole Jessica debacle. The strong, confident and self-assured soldier. It was such a strange contrast to the night before.  
"Good, I don't want to be babied," Lucy replied. She took a deep breath and forced herself to work.  
This first session was split between strength training and self-defense work. He had shown her and Rufus basic movements for defending themselves before but this time he showed her how to throw a punch properly. Lucy found it far more difficult than she would imagine. He kept deflecting her, which was the point of the exercise, but part of her just wanted to land one punch to prove she wasn't completely weak. It was difficult not getting distracted either. It was the closest they had been to each other, apart from the hug, since the whole thing started. It was hard to be so close to each other. To feel the brush of his hands against hers and occasionally bump hips or shoulders. Lucy respected how careful he was of her. Always asking permission before touching her and avoiding unnecessary contact. But it was impossible to avoid all contact and each time she felt his touch she found her body and mind react, sending up pained panicked signals.   
Lucy regretted wearing her long sleeved t-shirt and yoga pants after she started getting hot and sweaty. But showing up in her usual workout gear of exercise shorts and a sports bra wouldn’t have worked at all. After they switched to the weight training Lucy realized that it had been a long time since she had worked out at all. The stress of her new job meant workouts had fallen to the wayside except for the occasional run. Her muscles burned as worked her way through the sequence. It was the hardest she had ever pushed herself in any workout. By the end, she was sweating perfectly and cursing him out in French. French, because she didn’t want him to know how much he got to her. How mad she was that she had to do this at all. That she had to become this other person, this tough strong warrior woman who terrified her.   
"Ok, you're done. We'll do it again tomorrow morning." Wyatt said. Lucy had expected praise or some kind of acknowledgment of her work. Then again, he was probably shocked by how out of shape she was.  
Lucy sat up and drank some water feeling like she had just died or something. It wasn’t a very happy analogy but she was too exhausted to care. She didn’t want to go through this metamorphosis. It was terrifying to imagine her skinny arms turning strong with muscle and her clumsy body transform into a fighter. She stood up awkwardly and said, “Thanks.”   
“No problem. By the way, you need to eat more. You aren’t going to gain muscle if you skip meals.” Lucy flinched. What right did he have to say that? Did he understand how hard it was to eat? Did he understand how hard it was because she remembered everything she had lost? That Rufus, her mother, and Amy wouldn't ever eat again. Amy wouldn't eat her strawberry milkshakes or Rufus his chocodiles.   
“I'll try," Lucy promised. "It's hard. Really hard."  
It was his turn to shy away. His face, which had been professional until this point, crumbled into a weird mix of pain, anger, and shame. "I just worry about you, Lucy. You look too thin."  
“I’m fine.” She replied though this time in a softer voice.  
“Listen, if you want to switch with Jiya…” he turned away to put the exercise ball on the shelf. Lucy suspected it was to hide his emotions from her. His face never had been very good at concealing things. Including his jealousy and anger at Garcia Flynn.   
"It's fine," Lucy repeated mechanically. It probably would be easier training with Flynn. But memories of him choking her reminded her that she didn’t want to show him her vulnerable side. Not that she thought he would do that to her. But he had too many moments in those early days when she had been under his power. Lucy wasn’t looking to have that happen again. It made no sense since she had been willing to go to his room late at night with a bottle of booze. Maybe it was the fact that she didn’t think, even in his worst moments, that he’d touch her inappropriately. He might be angry and violent but he wasn’t a rapist.   
“Yeah,” he replied. “You did good, Lucy.”  
"Thank you." She whispered as she went to the kitchen to finally grab the coffee and some breakfast. She choked down oatmeal with peanut butter and protein powder. He was right. She couldn't give into the sadness. She had to fight back with everything she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucy’s lack of self-esteem really hurts her. I think she’s also subconsciously trying to make Wyatt just as jealous as she was of Jessica. Both of them are so bad at communicating their own wants and needs and project on the other person what they think the other person wants. Arika, one of the Timeless writers, even confirmed that when Wyatt stole the Lifeboat to get Jessica back subconsciously he went to Lucy to try to get her to stop him and ask him to choose her. That gives me so many feels. These ridiculous lovesick kids. But seriously, you two need to use actual words.   
> Flynn. Ok, yeah, he’s kinda partly right but also so wrong and I’m trying to keep him in character. Lucy is also starting to shut him off when he talks badly about Wyatt and that probably doesn’t make him happy. But he backs off right away which goes to show how much influence Lucy now has over him.  
> Lyatt training. Have I mentioned how much I love Wyatt’s little speech about Lucy’s abilities? He’s never doubted her (after the very start when he didn’t know her). And yeah, Lucy gets a little mad. I think you can’t call it a workout unless you curse your trainer out. Also, I’m noticing how much these people are drinking. Damn, they are all alcoholics. (Weirdly enough we don't see Wyatt drinking after the pilot episode and that time with the team apart from social situations. Lucy, on the other hand, drinks a lot with Flynn. In fact, I don't know of a single time in Season 2 they hang out where they don't drink. That's interesting.)


	9. Chapter 9 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You gave me back my life; this was your blessed gift.   
> From now on I shall breathe you only,   
> Even the hour of torment will seem sweet to me,   
> And love will be my dissolution.   
> Konstantin Batyushkov

The next few months passed in a predictable rhythm. They had a few missions, all of them fairly straightforward, but other than that they stuck to their new routine. Training six days a week, piloting lessons five days a week and historical research when needed. The only good thing about the schedule was the fact that it gave him little time to think. He got up, made sure Lucy was awake and then they started training.  
Training had to be a special kind of temptation or torture, he wasn't sure which. At first, Lucy was still just learning how to throw a good punch so the contact was minimal. But as she started improving things got considerably more "hands-on". Fighting was almost as intimate as dancing, just with a different purpose. And they weren't actually fighting. His memory of accidentally hitting Lucy made it difficult to get enough distance to be able to train her properly. He forced himself not to go easy on her. Emma and Rittenhouse certainly wouldn't. Touching her, holding her just long enough to show her how to move her arms and legs was brought back so many memories. It brought back their first kiss in front of Bonnie and Clyde and how that one kiss had just about thrown his world off its axis. Kissing Lucy hadn't been part of the plan, but feeling something other than basic attraction had really been off of his plan. With the touch of vanilla-scented lips and the sudden shock of realizing it was her that was causing that swirling, dizzy feeling his life had changed. Hearing her dismiss love so quickly convinced him that for her it had just been a kiss. Things had been unsteady between them, especially after he stole the Lifeboat to get Jessica back.   
Now, though, it was more than just unsteady. It was as if all their friendship, much less anything more, had disappeared. When he did touch her she seemed to curl into herself making the guilt surge up in him for doing that sort of thing. Making her uncomfortable. When hadn’t he made her uncomfortable? When hadn’t he hurt her out of his stupid pride and stubbornness?   
She was improving though. Lucy was still the same woman with two left feet and when he said, “left” she usually went right. But she was stronger even in the short weeks since they started. She was now able to throw a pretty mean punch. A couple of times he was convinced she intentionally got him harder than she needed to. He didn’t pull away because he knew she needed the win for her confidence and also because he definitely deserved it. It would take a long time before she’d be an experienced fighter but he was determined to see that she became that. There was something about the look in her eyes when she concentrated that always shocked him. It was a look of steady, intense, steely purpose. It was almost scary how her face changed. That was the look that told him that underneath her softness Lucy Preston had steel inside.   
Her progress in shooting was going much faster. She had her own gun now, courtesy of Homeland Security, and could actually hit the broad side of a barn. When they weren’t sparring or weight training or shooting he’d drag her outside on long hikes to develop her endurance. That was the most \\\natural part of their time training together. Outside in the clear, fresh air, the awkwardness seemed to dissipate.   
"It's hard remembering there is a world out there," Lucy commented as she leaned against a tree inhaling an energy bar. She had definitely gained some muscle in the last few months but that was pretty normal at the start of a workout program. She had to keep her overall weight up and considering that the food in the bunker was still not exactly gourmet, it was difficult.   
“Yeah, tell me about it.” He thought about how he truly had no one he cared about in that far away world outside. Where people didn’t worry about time travel and formerly dead wives and children who were going to be indoctrinated in terrorism. Lucy didn’t either. They were the misfits the world had seen fit to kick to the curb. Except he deserved it. Lucy didn’t. Rufus hadn’t deserved to die but here he was, dead. The world definitely wasn’t fair. Never had been. Never would be.   
Piloting lessons were a particularly difficult part of the day. For one thing, Wyatt quickly realized that being a good pilot was not the same thing as being a good driver. There was almost nothing in common between them. Secondly, it brought back way too many memories of Rufus. He started dreaming that Rufus was yelling at him for taking his place. He always woke up in a cold sweat. Lucy was making slow and steady progress. Her naturally analytical mind grasped the concepts much better than his action-oriented mind.   
Then there was Garcia Flynn. He had begun helping Lucy with the historical research and seeing them bent over a book or tablet rapidly writing notes made his stomach churn. Flynn was smart, he had always known that but until he heard him talk history he hadn't realized exactly how much. They didn't agree on much, everyone in the bunker knew to avoid getting into a historical debate with Lucy except for Flynn, but there was mutual respect. Wyatt was just the piss poor son of an alcoholic who joined the military in a fruitless attempt to feel less worthless. He didn’t know who Foucault was. How had he ever dreamed he was good enough for Lucy? Lucy was so intelligent that she could figure out the motives and actions of hundreds of people for hundreds of years. Somehow seeing them working together hurt worse than seeing her walk out of his room that one night. It was easy enough to pass it off as some sort of drunken one night stand. This friendship wasn’t.   
It would be easier to deal with if he trusted Flynn. But he couldn’t do it. Everyone else had begun to do so. Even Denise occasionally smiled at him with reluctant fondness. Jiya had excelled in her training and seemed perfectly comfortable with him. Connor was, well, Connor which meant he was mostly wrapped up in scientific calculations and trying to figure out how to travel on one’s own timeline. No one was holding out much hope for it. Michelle and the kids actually adored Flynn. It was just Wyatt with the suspicion and fear and most of it was motivated by jealousy. That hadn’t been the case at first but now Wyatt recognized that Flynn wasn’t going to betray Lucy. He was probably in love with Lucy. Who could blame him? Who could blame someone for falling for Lucy when she was just so special?  
“What do you think Emma is doing?” Lucy asked as they made their way back to the bunker. “I don’t think this radio silence is good.”  
It wasn't good, not good at all. Jiya and Connor had been tracking Rittenhouse propaganda and noticed a disturbing trend. Ever since Emma had taken over Rittenhouse ideology was making its way into alt-right websites. It was only a matter of time before they infiltrated mainstream news organizations. Emma had clearly decided her populist, but still destructive, vision of Rittenhouse would be much easier to recruit. Who knew if the next politician was a Rittenhouse plant? Not just people from “good families” but practically anyone. It was hard to fight her games here. Technically it wasn’t illegal. And there was no time machine to step in to defeat her.   
“I know my mother was a horrible person. But I loved her. I guess I always will. That doesn’t mean I did what she said. Or even that I’d have hesitated to kill her if I’d be killing myself too.” Lucy’s voice was quiet but sent chills down his spine. “I guess you understand that. Except for the last part. I think that makes me…wrong.”  
“ I had a chance to kill her and I didn’t. Because I knew how much it would hurt you. You aren’t…cold or wrong. It’s just…you don’t even know the person they become.” Wyatt swallowed as he remembered Jessica, the one he had known and how she had been so many things but none of them evil. He knew now that their marriage hadn't been the ideal picture he had painted in his head. It was far closer to the picture that Rittenhouse Jessica had painted. But he had loved her. And she had loved him. They had been two angry kids struggling to survive in a world that wasn't particularly kind. That anger had poisoned their relationship. Had there been anything to salvage even when she died the first time? He wasn't sure. He had thought he had become another man. Clearly, he hadn't.   
“I know. I can’t imagine…having someone you love so much. I mean I do understand. But it’s different for me.” Lucy’s face had softened and for the first time since that impromptu hug months ago he felt the grief in his heart start to ebb. Even now Lucy seemed to not understand. She didn’t understand, how could she considering his horrible way of showing it, how much he loved her?   
“I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt like hell. No one wants someone you loved to lie, steal one of your closest friends and betray you. But even if Jessica hadn’t come back Rittenhouse…” Wyatt took a deep breath trying to gather his scattered thoughts. His mind was already whirling through a disorienting wave of conflicting emotions. His chest felt tight and it felt as if the air had been suddenly sucked out of his lungs.   
Lucy was looking at him intently. Her eyes were wide with surprise but they didn’t look angry. She reached a hand out and touched his arm. “It’s ok. You don’t have to say anything.”  
But it wasn’t ok. He had to say the words. “I don’t think it would have worked. Jessica and I didn’t have the perfect marriage I thought we had. I was just so guilty that I made it into something it wasn’t. We were miserable a lot. Probably if she hadn’t died she would have left me. And with good reason.”  
Lucy didn’t say anything. He certainly wasn’t making a good case for himself but he was done with pretending. He wasn’t the good husband. The good ex-boyfriend for exactly twenty-four hours. The good teammate until he destroyed everything. He was a mess. A royal screw up. Lucy knew all of this. She also knew he loved her. At least he hoped she believed him. He wasn't going to say it again unless he had some reason to think his words would bring her happiness. He had said it because of Rufus and because he had to say one true thing in a multiplicity of lies.   
“You know that we talked at the hospital while you were getting the car. She suspected…I wondered how she knew but it must have been Rittenhouse. She offered to leave. She said that as you had cheated on her in the past it wouldn’t surprise her that you hadn’t been faithful to her after death. I told her to stay. I told her all the things you did to save her. I guess now that I think about it…I’m partly responsible for…all of this.” Lucy’s face crumpled for just a second. “I guess she was playing me. Probably thanks to my mom she knew exactly how I’d react.”  
The pain in his chest settled in with a stinging clawing feeling that made breathing difficult. There was a funny ringing in his ears that had nothing to do with the altitude. He had cheated on Jessica? It had to have been his other timeline self but it gave a nauseating sense of guilt. That was yet another thing to feel guilty about. Another failure. But Lucy…Jessica had told him that Lucy had urged her to stay but he hadn’t understood the full extent of Lucy’s involvement. She had not only kept Jessica from leaving but had attempted to show her exactly how bent on saving her he had been.   
“Lucy…I…” he began.   
Lucy just shook her head. “You can’t be responsible for your other timeline self or what he did or didn’t do. I’m just saying…I was always fighting for your happiness.”  
Who was fighting for hers? Not him, that's for sure. He was too wrapped up in spirals of guilt and a desperate attempt to recover a dream of Jessica while maintaining the reality of Lucy. Oh, that's right. Flynn was fighting for her happiness. The bitter guilt settled deeper inside, impossible to dislodge.  
“I know Lucy, I’m sorry. I messed everything up so badly.” He found himself trying to apologize even though by her expression she was already pulling away. He had said sorry all too many times in the last few months.  
“Maybe it was for the best.” She said. “What we had, Wyatt…It wasn’t real. It was something that happened because it was Hollywood and magic and…I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not sorry it happened but…it wasn’t sustainable.”  
It probably would have hurt less if she had stabbed him. She didn’t look at him. She kept her eyes fixed on a tree but the words reminded him that it was all over. To the point that anything real she had felt was permanently gone.   
“It was real, at least to me.” The words flew out of his mouth without permission.   
“Really? It sure didn’t feel that way when you left me just standing there without saying a word. It sure felt that way when you were joking with Rufus and when you were leaving the bunker. I don’t blame you, Wyatt, for staying with Jessica. She was, until the Rittenhouse thing, the love of your life. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too. That’s what I mean when I said it wasn’t real. It was a temporary thing.” Lucy pulled her arm away and started walking rapidly down the path. She was actually pretty fast when she wanted to be.   
“Lucy…” he called. She didn’t turn around.   
“Lucy,” he managed to catch up with her. “Lucy, I wish, I wish you’d stop putting words in my mouth.”  
Her eyebrows rose as she stared at him, “What do you mean?”  
"You kept, you keep, telling me that Jessica was the love of my life. But you never gave me a chance to say anything." Sometimes he had felt so angry with her as if she didn't care. As if her smiling and telling him to go back to his wife didn't make her heart ache. He knew it was unfair to blame her. All of this had been his fault, not hers.  
“What was I supposed to say?” Lucy looked up with eyes full of tears, “And I’m fucking sick of being blamed. I did what I believed to be right and I can’t believe you have the audacity to blame me.”  
“I’m not blaming you. It’s all my fault. I’m simply saying, you didn’t give me a choice.”   
“I didn’t have a choice. Not really.” Lucy shook her head. “And you didn’t want me to put that option on the table. Not really. This way was easier, for you.”  
She ran off again, her legs moving rapidly over the ground. It always surprised him how fast she was. He could chase after her and try to convince her that he meant what he said. But was the use? He couldn’t tell her he loved her when it was so obviously clear that he had killed any feeling she ever had for him. It was just as well. He didn’t deserve her. Never had, and never would. He just wanted her to know how much people loved her and cared for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's Lyatt fanon that Future!Lyatt trained together and probably drove each other crazy with that UST. Until it stopped being unresolved. I mean Lucy had to learn to fight somewhere, right? It's my personal headcanon although later on, Lucy will train with other people. But right now she and Wyatt are training together. It's super difficult because they’re forced into a physically intimate situation while they are emotionally so distant. You'll find out later about why Wyatt is struggling so hard with the pilot lessons. It's not because he's stupid. He thinks he is but obviously, he's not and Lucy knows that.   
> They finally have a real conversation. I think parallels between Lucy/Carol and Wyatt/Jessica are interesting. I’m always a little shocked when I remember that Lucy planned to blow up the Mothership with herself AND her mother. Wyatt refused to shoot her mother (although I think Lucy never would have considered such a thing if she wasn’t intending to die too). Wyatt is honest about his marriage with Jessica, telling Lucy about their problems apart from RittenJess which is really important.   
> It may seem unnecessarily cruel of Lucy to say that Hollywoodland wasn’t real. I don't think she meant it exactly how it came out. What she meant was that it was too glamorous and dreamlike to be sustainable. And Lucy, not really a believer in True Love, would naturally in retrospect think of it as something of a dream. And Lucy does a terrible job communicating her meaning and Wyatt totally misinterprets what she’s trying to say.  
> Wyatt also finally confronts her about her putting words in his mouth. I understand and sympathize with what she was doing but it took a lot of agency away from him. I wonder myself if Lucy was right that Wyatt didn’t want her to put that option on the table. I actually think it might be the opposite and I think one of the writers all but confirmed it. He subconsciously was mad at her for not putting up more of a fight. Which was unfair of him but understandable. I think this fight is something of a turning point since they got all this stuff on the table.


	10. Chapter 10 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was immediately interested in him. But I didn’t think I could be so attached. I had in as sense taken possession of him, a distant possession of course, somewhat occult, I mean, in relation to the others- a relation of him to me.  
> Danielle Collobert

Lucy stormed back to the bunker and huffed into the kitchen. She was exhausted from her long hike and she was angry. So very angry and yet underneath her anger was a steady sort of gnawing pain that made her feel unsettled. The anger was easier to feel than the pain. Sooner or later she’d have to let go of the anger and feel the pain.  
Lucy noticed that Michelle and Denise were drinking coffee together and talking about Mark who would be leaving in another two weeks for college. Lucy liked seeing Denise looking happier than ever. Ever since Rittenhouse had gone after her family and Rufus Denise had been so worried. But Lucy noticed that Michelle had a steadying presence on all of them. There was something about her that made people feel comfortable.   
“You ok, Lucy? You look exhausted.” Michelle motioned to a chair. Lucy sank down, sweaty body and all, and took a couple of big gulps out of her nearly empty bottle of water.  
"That boy is pushing you way too hard," Michelle commented. "You need to tell him to stop."  
Lucy almost laughed. Michelle didn’t know exactly how stubborn both of them could be. She shrugged, "I need to be pushed. Otherwise, I wouldn't wake up and train at five in the morning. And Rittenhouse isn't going to coddle me.”  
Michelle smiled, "You are one tough cookie, girl. But you aren't bulletproof. Don't push yourself too far."  
Denise grinned, "Michelle is deciding to adopt you, Lucy. Mainly because she loves your books. That's actually why I read them. She's a history buff."  
Lucy smiled, “I could use the moms.” Then the smile faded as she remembered that she didn’t have a single family member, except for her horrible birth father.   
“I’m sorry, Lucy. That was insensitive of me.” Denise said.  
“No, it’s fine. I just…had a rough morning.” Lucy stood up and got her breakfast together. She choked it down before going to her room for her hour of rest before meeting with Jiya and Wyatt for piloting lessons. Provided Emma didn’t jump.  
Lucy had been struggling the last few weeks. She knew she wasn’t the only one. Rufus’s death got worse each day as the loss truly sunk in. She felt an empty place in her heart. Her bruises from that night might have healed but the emotional pain hadn’t. Her mother’s death also hurt. That was a hurt mixed with bitterness.   
Then there was Wyatt. The massive elephant in the room of pain she tried not to think of. Training with him was a particular type of torture. She was learning a lot and getting stronger but it would be a long time before she was ready to actually defend herself. Fighting was so intimate too. As much as she wanted to retreat into herself and defend her broken and bruised body each training session felt like a leeching. He pushed her hard. Lucy appreciated it. As much as she might hate it at the moment, and hurl curses at him, she knew that was the only way she'd ever improve. It didn't help that there was so much contact between them. She could tell he tried to keep it respectful but it was hard to avoid. The touch of his hands on her body reminded her all too vividly of all the times in the proceeding months that he had touched her. The touch had meant, at one time, a wonderful sense of togetherness and comfort. Later it had set her body aflame, if she were honest it always had, making her feel a giddy sense of joy. It still set her aflame, no matter how angry she was his touch was like a match to kerosene, but the more it did the angrier she got. She didn't want to feel this way. She wanted it to stop. She wanted to go back to the way things were before he was something more than that annoying soldier who had a faintly appealing backstory.  
Wyatt’s confession that his marriage wasn’t as perfect as he portrayed it surprised Lucy. Somehow their miracle of a love story, complete with the tree in Texas and the innocence of young love, had touched her heart. It had been why she had been so determined to help him get Jessica back and so determined to keep Jessica in the bunker. Lucy’s heart ached hardest for him when she thought of how betrayed he must feel that the woman he loved so much was so evil. She could only imagine the pain of knowing that every memory you ever had was tainted by betrayal. Even though this Jessica wasn’t the same as the one he knew that didn’t stop the pain.   
She had told him bluntly that 41 had been a temporary thing. But it hadn’t. Not to her. She had been in love with him since the Alamo when she had kept him from sacrificing himself and laid herself bare and vulnerable in telling him she needed him. He said it was real to him. But she had trouble believing it. Their conversation made her feel again, something she was resolved not to do. What if he was right? What if he really had loved her? Even if it was true did it matter?  
Jiya picked up the tension between her and Wyatt and kept them too busy to interact. Lucy had just managed to begin to understand some of the basic controls of the Lifeboat and even though she didn’t have a simulator she was carefully memorizing each scenario Jiya gave her. It was impossibly difficult to understand but she was proud that she was actually learning. A little. Wyatt wasn’t particularly good but he kept up with the lessons as best he could.   
“Are you ok?” Jiya’s voice was soft as they finished up their lesson. Lucy started. Jiya had gotten really good at reading her.   
“I’m surviving.” She replied honestly. “How’s training going with Flynn?”  
Jiya knew Lucy was deflecting but she let it slide. She shrugged, “Fine. He’s all business but he can be funny. Reminds me of…” Jiya swallowed and went on, “Anyway, yeah, it’s fine. I’m getting pretty badass. So are you.”  
Lucy nodded. She didn't feel badass. She felt weak and lost and all kinds of broken. She slipped into her room and gathered her supplies for her historical research. Flynn was already getting started on the stack of books that were on the table. Lucy smiled as she sat down. She flipped open the first book of the stack and said, "Ok, so we established that the lack of a Salem Witch trial affected a modern understanding of hysteria and religious fanatism but it feels like a spiral. I attack one thread and it just keeps spreading."  
Flynn nodded, “I think you’re looking at it in the wrong way. Other things happened. Those three women were hanged for casting spells. Not a Salem Witch trial but a similar event.”   
Lucy shook her head, “You don’t get it. I was trained in history with everything having a specific context. When you change the context you change everything. If the why changes then the how changes and then everything falls apart.”  
“But history is fluid. It’s not set in stone. It doesn’t just exist in these books. It’s a story.” Flynn replied.   
Lucy snorted, “Yeah, like my sister. History is extremely fluid. People aren’t born that should be and people live that should be dead.”  
She saw him wince and she pulled away and opened her book. He had kind of apologized for Amy and she knew he hadn’t been aiming to erase her. But it still hurt. She was tired of being hurt by well-intentioned people that didn’t want to fuck things up but still did.  
She valued their friendship. And yeah, maybe in other circumstances she'd be interested in something more. But under the ones, they were under? No way. Lucy tried to focus on the work in front of her. Patching together the past and the spirals of changes history had experienced. But all she could think of was the overwhelming cascade of emotions that day had brought forth. She couldn't do it. For once in her life, she was going to slack off and do something stupid like watch crappy daytime TV with a pint of ice cream.  
“I just…I’m sorry I’m crabby. I just…it’s been a bad day.” Lucy stood up and started to flee.”  
“It’s all right to be mad. You deserve to be.” Flynn shook his head and said, “I’m surprised it took this long.”  
Lucy fidgeted with her sleeve trying hard not to think of the long list of things she could be angry about. “Glad I have the permission.” She replied. She tried to play it for laughs but it ended up coming out harsher than she had expected.  
"Oh god… I feel like such a bitch right now." Lucy sighed. "I've always been the level-headed, not a hot-tempered person. Amy was the angry one. The reckless and rebellious one. And now…I guess I don't know what I am. I don't have a mother anymore."  
"I admire this Lucy just as much as the other." He replied. Lucy pulled farther away. Those words felt funny coming from his lips. She wasn't ready for the emotional fallout. Did he really think it was a good time? Really? It reminded her of the impossibly bad timing of Wyatt's confession. That she could understand because of Rufus and the pain they'd experienced. This just felt uncomfortably familiar.  
“Flynn, please…I just…,” Lucy hesitated. She was realizing her tactic of blissful ignorance of his possible feelings for her wasn’t working. She was veering dangerously close to some sort of conversation about it and the thought of that made her stomach clench. She didn’t want to deal with it. She wanted something that didn’t have expectations attached. Expectations she couldn’t, wouldn’t be able to fulfill.   
“Have you seen this?” She whirled around to see Wyatt standing right behind her with the tablet pointing to a line of text. She wondered how long he had been standing there. Long enough to hear the awkward exchange? She hoped not. The last thing she wanted was another turf war. She glanced at his face trying to see if there was any of the usual anger. But his face had been wiped clean of everything. He looked shaken, but not angry. She read the article. A William Cahill was running for Congress. He had to be her relative. Either a cousin or even her half-brother. The last time she had seen her half-brother he was a kid but knowing Rittenhouse he probably spent time in the past. And now he was prepared to spread Rittenhouse beliefs in the present too.  
“How big are his chances?” she asked. Her throat felt like it was closing up.   
“Pretty good actually. The district is safe. And the family has money and friends.” Wyatt said flatly.  
“But what about his father being in jail?” Lucy replied.  
“ They are already spinning it as an unfair accusation that was politically motivated. And he claims he hasn’t spoken to his father in years.” Wyatt shook his head, “He has some good endorsements. He’s relatively young and charismatic. He’s running against a fairly boring candidate.”  
"Well, great. I guess we're all screwed then." Lucy shook her head. Her head was spinning with the weight of everything. "What can we do? Expose him for being part of a time-traveling white supremacist cult?”  
“I don’t know. I talked to Denise. She’s not sure either. Technically he hasn’t broken any laws. And we can’t have the appearance of being politically biased.”   
"Well, Emma has discovered the power she has without breaking any laws. Goody for us." Flynn scanned the article. "Well, hopefully, your illustrious relative will find out that politics is harder than being a sleeper agent.”  
Lucy swallowed hard and said, “Our democracy is relatively stable. The danger is if they change both the past and the present. They could change our laws enough to make totalitarianism popular. Or caused such economic destabilization that democracy collapses.”  
“Well, that’s what we’re aiming to stop,” Wyatt replied. He smiled but she could see how forced it was. It looked more like a grimace. “Ma’am.”  
Lucy bit her lip as a wave of emotion struck her at the words. It had been months since he had called her ma’am. And now it just made her sad. Remembering what things had been once like between them.  
“I’ll just ahh…go and put these things away.” Lucy fled the room fighting tears. Why was it like this? Why couldn’t she just shut everything off?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Michelle and Denise. I think they are one of the few examples on the show of a mature and healthy relationship. (Except for Riya although even they had their issues.) Lucy is really struggling because she’s putting up a lot of emotional walls and defenses but training kind of forces her to push past them. And Lyatt is such a tactile couple ( I swear they totally would be that annoying couple that constantly touches each other and hold hands and stuff).   
> I realize that even though we the audience knows the story of Jessica's death I don't think Lucy does. Flynn knew because of the journal but our present Lucy didn't. So I think she romanticized Wyatt and Jessica's relationship based on his rose-colored glasses. She knows Jessica was murdered and that Wyatt blamed himself but she never knew the exact details.   
> I hope people like the Flynn/Lucy scene. I intentionally made it a bit awkward. Lucy is definitely not down with a relationship like that but I’m trying to be mindful of the fact that the writers clearly intended a love triangle. I’m not comfortable with that so I just kind of subtly hint about it without exactly directly bringing it up. I don’t want to completely ignore the intended love triangle because it’s clearly important in canon.   
> I had to bring the Cahills back. I was annoyed that Lucy’s family and her father were ignored in Season 2 for a bunch of love triangle stuff. I wanted to know more about the inner workings of Rittenhouse and her family.   
> I also was able to include the first “ma’am” since Season 1. I know Arika (one of the writers) said it was kind of a flirty thing and Wyatt isn’t flirting with her but it just fit in this scene as a gesture of reassurance. No fear, you’ll be getting a lot of ma’am in the future. No Lyatt fic is complete without it.


	11. Chapter 11 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the roads  
> Of dream to you, my feet  
> Never rest. But one glimpse of you  
> In reality would be  
> Worth all these many nights of love.  
> Ono No Komachi

Wyatt hadn't meant to eavesdrop. Well, ok, he hadn't tried too hard not to. But after figuring out what exactly he was listening to and watching he regretted it. He could see the halting way that Flynn was trying to complement Lucy and her nervous reaction. The way she looked vaguely curious and hopeful. Of course, she was skittish. Lucy wasn't much for relationships. Even less now, probably.  
He remembered the fractured conversation of that morning and wondered how, yet again, he had managed to make things even worse. The worst thing was that the charge hadn’t been entirely untrue. He had felt relieved she had never forced him to make a decision. Well, he had made a decision, the only one to make at the time. The question had never been about whether to try again with Jessica. It had always been about emotions, not actions. Lucy had never forced him to make an emotional decision. And when she said it was easier she had been right. It had been easier to pretend that the situation with Lucy had never occurred. That she was just a teammate. Then the emotion would hit, sliding under his carefully built façade, and he'd been floundering in a sea of doubt and desperately wanting her back. Then he’d get angry with her, at himself, and at everyone because if he had his “miracle” why did it feel so painful? Her charge had also been untrue because one part of him had longed for her to tell him she chooses him, to beg him to stay with her. It had been that way even that night he’d stolen the Lifeboat to bring back Jessica. One part of him had wanted her to stop him, to make him do the undeniably selfish thing of forgetting about duty, and guilt and all that and drown in the completeness of her presence with him.  
He picked up the tablet from the table and turned away. He had to get his brain on the mission. The mission was to take down Rittenhouse and bring Rufus home. But the pain in his chest hadn’t dissipated. Vaguely he was aware that probably wasn’t normal and he could have some kind of heart problem but that didn’t seem to matter much anyway.  
“Wyatt, we aren’t teenagers on a stupid soap opera.” Flynn’s voice cut through the turbulent thoughts swirling around ceaselessly. Wyatt turned back.  
“No…and…” What the hell are you talking about?  
"I think you're a self-righteous asshole. You think I'm a murderous bastard. The point is, that doesn't really matter. We both are determined to bring down Rittenhouse. Or at least we were. Things have changed now."  
"They haven't changed now," Wyatt replied.  
“Oh…so Jessica being Emma’s second in command hasn’t changed anything.” Flynn’s voice was deceptively calm.  
There was nothing to be said about that. Because yes, of course, it changed things. It changed the fact that his child was in her hands. It changed the fact that she had once been his wife, the woman he had loved.  
"The missions will go on," Wyatt answered.  
“No, it won’t. You’ll run off after that woman trying to reform her and she’ll take advantage of that to kill us all.”  
“No,” Wyatt began, “I won’t. I’m not losing anyone else to Rittenhouse.”  
"Well, at least we are on the same page on that," Flynn said drily.  
“So the point?” Wyatt began.  
“We also seem to be on the same page on Lucy. We both respect her.”  
It was a hard pill to swallow. Ever since he had first seen Garcia Flynn he had despised him. It had only gotten worse as the attacks on the team, especially Lucy, had continued. He’d never forget the bruises on her neck or the way she had sounded as Flynn dragged her away. But then Wyatt brought Rittenhouse into their very home and Lucy nearly died because of it. So who was he to judge? “Yes,” he said.  
"I'm also not the type of person to fight a losing battle," Flynn spoke quietly.  
What the hell does that mean? "There is no battle." Wyatt swallowed nausea back and turned away. That mentality had gotten his Jessica killed and destroyed his relationship with Lucy. This was all Lucy’s decision. And so far she had made her choice abundantly clear.  
“No, there isn’t one. But there will be one if you mess this thing up as thoroughly as you did before. No more running after your wife.” Flynn’s voice called him back.  
"Ex-wife." Wyatt corrected. His memory of signing those papers in the wee hours of the morning struck him and remembering how the light had struck his wedding ring and how it had been sold in order to atone for Jessica, and his, sins.  
“Whatever. The point is you mess this one up and there will be no one but yourself to blame.”  
“I know.” And it’s too late. There is no cure.  
Wyatt went back to his empty room because he didn’t want to sit with Olivia and Mark and play video games. He was still trying to figure out the enigmatic conversation with Garcia Flynn. The implication had been that Flynn wouldn’t try to fight for Lucy because she had already fallen for someone else, namely himself. And that he had to make his choice very clear before Lucy would trust him. But Flynn couldn’t possibly understand the bitterness and pain between them. How absolutely he had destroyed everything. Rufus, most of all. Rufus, who had been his brother and who he had failed to protect. Rufus wouldn’t have forgiven him anyway even if he were alive.  
The sound of the alarm broke into his spiraling guilt. It was becoming harder and harder to shut off those thoughts. To compartmentalize his emotions. Sometimes they seemed to bubble up and overcome him. Not just anger, he was no stranger to that. But love, pain, depression, and anxiety were becoming daily companions. It was harder to fight them.  
“Where did she jump to?” Lucy asked as she came running into the launch room.  
“September 3, 1922. Long Island.” Jiya announced.  
“Oh my god. Bessie Coleman.” Lucy’s face broke into a broad smile.  
“Who is she?” Wyatt asked. It was good to see her smile again. Her excitement over history was intoxicating.  
“She was the first person of African American and Native American descent to become a pilot and was a really famous stunt pilot. She was called ‘the world’s greatest female pilot.’ On this day she made debut in the airshow business. She died a few years later when a wrench got stuck in her controls and as she had taken off her seatbelt she flew out of the plane and fell to her death.” Lucy finished in a breathless hush. “I wrote a paper on her once in undergraduate.”  
“Well, let’s go save the world. And see kickass ladies.” Jiya stood up and began making adjustments to the Lifeboat. He could see the pain in her eyes as she worked. No wonder. He felt it himself. He could only imagine how excited Rufus would be over Bessie Coleman. He could fairly hear him fanboying over how incredible she was while trying to save her life.  
This mission was difficult from the moment they stepped off the Lifeboat. Emma had gone easy on them on the last few missions but this time she was pulling no punches. As he crouched behind some bushes beside Flynn firing into the enemy lines he realized how different Emma being in charge really was. This was war. It made dealing with Keynes and Carol a picnic in comparison. Emma’s goons were well trained and knew how to use their weapons. Lucy and Jiya had concealed themselves in the Lifeboat. A guy popped out of the concealment and stood up to fire. He was firing towards the open Lifeboat door. At Lucy. Wyatt and Flynn fired simultaneously at his head. They heard a scream. Panic gnawed at his insides. Was Lucy shot? Gone? Forever silenced. The mere thought of it made his handshake. Then he heard her voice. She was alive at least.  
The remaining soldiers slipped into the bushes and disappeared. Wyatt and Flynn ran towards the Lifeboat. Jiya was standing there with her own gun and a firm expression on her face. Lucy stood beside her looking pale but resolute. She too was armed. "Jiya saved me."  
"I've been through a few gunfights. Recognized the sound of the bullet. Pulled her aside." Jiya explained. Wyatt could never thank Jiya enough. Her quick reflexes and already attuned survival skills had saved Lucy. He blinked back a few tears at the idea that Lucy had nearly died again.  
“Thank you, Jiya. You’re going to take over their jobs.” Lucy gave a wan little smile and hugged her.  
"Anytime Lucy. Now let's go save Bessie."  
Finding Bessie was easy enough. Getting her to understand the danger she was in and protect her was far more difficult. Jiya and Flynn went off to find Bessie while he and Lucy followed one of the people they suspected to be a sleeper. Lucy had seemingly put aside her anger at him and was coolly and resolutely holding her own. Her courage, a strong internal sort of courage, was never more apparent.  
Then he saw her. Across the street. Jessica. Her golden hair shone in the sunlight, as she talked to the sleeper agent in the grey suit. Only he knew how deadly she was under the sweet smile. The blood red of her treachery under the disguise of love. Lucy was looking the opposite direction. “Lucy please go find a telephone and tell them that they are planting a bomb aboard the plane. I’ll deal with the sleeper.”  
"I'm not leaving you alone," Lucy said firmly. It almost touched his heart until she said, "With her. It's not personal. You're compromised."  
The force of it almost knocked him off his sanity. It was a well-deserved blow but that didn’t stop the ache. Once he had been the one she trusted. And now she trusted every single member of the team one hundred times more.  
“Please, Lucy. I don’t want to see you hurt. This could get ugly.” You aren’t a soldier. Jessica is sure to be out for you. I love you too much to lose you again.  
"Well, I'll deal with it." They crossed the road and concealed themselves behind a large pillar. Jessica was still standing there. She kept looking at her watch. Finally, she advanced a few feet and handed a small boy a piece of paper. A few minutes later the boy appeared and handed Wyatt the paper. He read the hastily scrawled words, "I need to talk to you. Jessica."  
He threw the note to the ground in a flash of anger. How pathetic she must think him? To write that expecting that after the betrayal she would get him right where she wanted him. Then again, she always had gotten him that way. The way he had blindly and recklessly defended her knowing she was Rittenhouse would always stick in his throat. A failure that had cost them, Rufus. Then he saw the opposite side of the paper, "It's about Lucy."  
His weakness. Always his weakness. Jessica already knew that. Had always known it. Perhaps had known it before she stepped foot in the bunker. He had to know what she was saying. It didn't matter if she killed him then and there. He had to know. Somehow he had to get rid of Lucy, get her to safety, long enough to speak to Jessica and find out what they were planning.  
“What’s that?” Lucy asked.  
There was no way to answer that question without revealing both the sender and the meaning of the message. If he wanted to be honest with her, that had to start now. Picking it up he handed it to her. Lucy's face underwent rapid changes. First, there was anger and then pain and finally indifference. She passed it back to him and said coldly, "Well, if you want to talk to her I'll cover for you."  
"She's threatening you. I have to know…" he began.  
She cut him off, “They’ve been threatening me for months. And with my mom gone I’ve known that I’m a target.”  
He put out his hand and touched hers, “Lucy, I’m…we’re not going to let them hurt you.”  
Lucy stiffened, “Just go. There’s not much you can do to protect me anyway.”  
He wasn't sure what that meant. As he slipped out of his hiding spot he spotted Jessica standing by a tree outfitted in a bright blue dress and hat. She turned towards him and had the audacity to smile as if this was some sort of homecoming. He glanced at her stomach. Her rather tight fitting dress left little room for the imagination. Her stomach was as flat as ever. So she had lied. What a fool he had been to believe her.  
“I knew you’d come.” She said, smiling triumphantly.  
“I didn’t come for you.” He said.  
"Oh no. You came for Lucy. Fortunately, I think she's seen how stupid she was to ever fall for you. She's already found your replacement, hasn't she? Perhaps he'll treat her better." Jessica's voice was pleasant but she added, "We're one in the same, Wyatt. Just two kids against the world."  
It used to be the thing they used to say together. It once meant something. Now it was a mocking reminder of the type of person she had become. "No, we aren't," Wyatt replied. "I'm nothing like who you are now."  
“All of this is your fault. If you had just gone with me out of the bunker it would have been fine. If you had just left the team. If you had just left her. You forced my hand. I had no choice.” Jessica’s face looked almost sad as she spoke. Guilt surged up in him. She was right, in a way. The team would have been much better off if he and Jessica had just left.  
"Anyway, if you and she know what's good for you, you'll stop this. Emma has plans to kill Lucy and she's fully intending to carry them out." Jessica stepped forward. "You could join us, you know. We could be happy together. If you do I promise to get Emma to stop trying to get Lucy."  
“You’re delusional.” He said.  
“I’m delusional? You’re the guy who mourns me for six years only to dump me the minute I come back alive. You’re always chasing after what you can’t have.” Jessica laughed.  
"Oh so lying about being pregnant and kidnapping someone aren't grounds for dumping? I was prepared to stand by you until the end. Because I needed to make amends. To fix things."  
“I didn’t lie about being pregnant. And you might not have dumped me but you sure as hell didn’t want me. I was inconvenient. I saw how you reacted with me.”  
“Well, you aren’t pregnant now. How do you explain that?”  
“I lost the baby. Too much stress. Going through all of this.” Jessica looked pained for a second. “I guess it’s just as well. A baby is pretty inconvenient in my line of work.”  
Nausea struck sending him reeling back. She had a miscarriage. He wasn't sure if she was lying or telling the truth. Had she ever been pregnant? He would never know. The pain was a permanent thing now. The loss of a child he had wanted. The baby might have been inconvenient for Jessica but not to him. It was another loss, one deeply, completely personal. They ought to be commiserating the loss. There was no hope for a relationship between them but at least there could be some sort of sacred sympathy.  
"Jessica, please, why do you have to be like this?" Was there any hope at all for her? Any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  
“Because it’s right. Because for the first time in my life I’m doing stuff. Important stuff. I’m not letting you stop me.” Jessica started to move away. “You’ve got my warning. Lucy is under attack.”  
He lifted his hand, the gun still grasped in it, but Jessica only shook her head and laughed, “You won’t shoot me. You’re too god damn guilty.”  
She knew him all too well. He hesitated a second too long and she picked up her dress and ran away. Then he turned towards Lucy. She was standing there but not alone. Flynn and Jiya were also there. They had seen the whole exchange.  
"So you didn't manage to make her convert, repent and come back to the true faith?" Flynn said flippantly. Wyatt winced. The words grated on him like nails on a chalkboard. He was frowning ferociously and Lucy had her hand linked through his arm.  
“She’s threatening Lucy. Well, Emma is especially.” Wyatt spoke without acknowledging Flynn.  
“Is that new? I mean we’ve known that for awhile.” Jiya said. Her eyes had softened and she moved over to stand a little closer. He was grateful for the kindness.  
“I think they have something specific. And deadly.” Wyatt spoke quietly.  
“Well, let them try. I’m expendable.” Lucy replied stiffly. She looked exhausted.  
“You’re not expendable.” Wyatt half growled at her. Lucy appeared startled at his vehemence.  
Jiya shook her head chastising at Lucy and went on, "We got the sleeper. Bessie is going up in just a few minutes. It was so amazing to talk to her. She's just so cool. Ru…" Jiya's voice trailed off as she finished, "Rufus would have been so excited to meet her. She's an inspiration to everyone."  
"Jiya made sure to warn her about the plane," Flynn said. "Told her she got a vision from God. We'll have to see if the warning works."  
Back to the old question of fate versus choice. Fate hadn’t worked in Rufus’s favor or JFK or many others. Wyatt hated fate. Choices were so much easier to predict. He hated choices too. His had been colossally horrible. He wanted the faith his mother had, just for one instant. The faith that God was in control, that He loved people and ordered their lives. But now it felt like some sort of dream. A world that didn’t include time travel and people coming back from the dead.  
They made their way back to the Lifeboat. Lucy looked pale and shaken but when he tried to help her fasten her seatbelt she pointedly ignored him and fumbled with her seatbelt before managing to fasten it with difficulty. His stomach twisted painfully as he remembered the conversation of earlier. Well, he had failed that one. But what else could he have done? Jessica was threatening Lucy and holding her pregnancy over their heads. What person wouldn’t make a last ditch effort to get her to change? Jiya gave him a sympathetic smile. It was strange that she would be the kindest when she had been the one to be kidnapped by Jessica.  
Lucy climbed out of the Lifeboat the moment the hatch opened and Flynn followed. Jiya finished turning off the controls before saying, “She isn’t going to change, you know.”  
“I know. She says she lost the baby. If there ever was one.” The words hung bitterly in the air. Jiya nodded sympathetically. Her face was soft as she gave him a soft hug.  
"You know I was incredibly mad. But then I thought about Rufus. I imagined him coming back, Rittenhouse. I mean, technically, he once was part of them. And I do understand. It doesn't mean I excuse but I do understand." Jiya hesitated. "I blame myself for not being more careful. For getting in that position at all."  
“It’s not your fault. Not one bit.” Wyatt couldn’t believe Jiya blamed herself. She was the most innocent.  
"You know I killed a guy to get away. I felt so guilty afterward. But at the time all I could think of was escaping. I’m a killer now.” Jiya sighed.  
“You did what you had to do.” It was yet another thing on the long list of things to add to his conscious. Although he couldn’t bring himself to too much sympathy for a Rittenhouse goon the man’s death had hurt Jiya.  
“Yeah,” Jiya replied. He stepped off the Lifeboat unwilling to think too closely about Lucy’s sudden departure. He didn’t want to know what she was doing. If he examined anything too closely he felt as if everything would shatter into a million pieces. And at this point, the grief over the conversation with Jessica was the most pressing thing. The most painful thing. Almost more than he could handle.  
Wyatt ran down the debrief with Denise and then found Mason’s shelf of alcohol. He found a bottle of whiskey and opened it. Vaguely he was aware this wasn’t the answer. It hadn’t been the answer after Syria when he had hurt Jessica because he got drunk all the time. It hadn’t been the answer after her death either. But now, it felt like the only thing keeping him from collapsing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one plot heavy chapter. I feel like the last few have a bit more introspective. I got the part about Wyatt being upset with Lucy over her not “picking” him from one of the writers who offered that explanation.  
> The conversation between Wyatt and Flynn was long overdue and frankly, they both need to grow up and stop acting like children. I do think Flynn has feelings for Lucy but as he says he's not willing to fight a losing battle. He knows she doesn't have feelings for him. Wyatt, of course, doesn't really see the significance of the conversation because he's so blinded by guilt and shame.  
> Bessie Coleman would have been an excellent choice for a Timeless episode and hopefully, if we get a season 3 she will be featured. I had fun researching her. I couldn't include her conversations (I struggle with historical characters and giving them realistic dialog) but I wanted to feature her at least.  
> Jessica, ugh. I had to include her. And yes, Jessica isn't pregnant. In my story, I haven't confirmed whether she really was pregnant or if she lost the baby. Her actions would certainly make the risk of miscarriage very high. Jessica has his number and uses the baby and Lucy to get him where she wanted. She's manipulating him to try to join Rittenhouse. It's important that Lucy doesn't know exactly why Wyatt is talking to Jessica even though he tells her it's because of her. I'm so proud of my silly son for actually telling her to truth and giving her the note. Lucy jumps to conclusions and doesn't stick around long enough to find out the truth. She thinks Wyatt was chasing after Jessica yet again and frankly she’s wise to be distrustful. Jiya is there for Wyatt though. Sometimes someone not as emotionally involved can be more supportive.  
> Never fear friends, the light is at the end of the tunnel. There is more angst to come but Lyatt is healing. Soon we’ll be seeing some fluff. (Yes, I can write fluff. Once in a great while.)


	12. Chapter 12 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could she feel nostalgia when he was right in front of her? How can you suffer from the absence of a person who is present?  
> Milan Kundera

Lucy didn’t want to look to see Wyatt and Jessica talking. She had too many memories of the two of them together. She had been able to survive it while Jessica had been an innocent woman but now that she knew just what Jessica was capable of she didn’t want to see her and Wyatt interact. She did notice, with a sigh of relief, that her stomach was flat.   
Wyatt said he was meeting with Jessica to protect her. But Lucy didn’t know what she believed. She knew he’d never be able to kill Jessica. Had known that from the moment Jessica was revealed. Wyatt’s attachment to Jessica was a drag on the team. She didn’t blame him for it. But it cast into doubt that confession he had given her under the fan. He hadn’t really meant it.   
She picked up her bottle of liquor hidden under the bed. It had been a few days since she had drunk. She frowned and opened it as she took a big swallow. It burned going down but her mind cleared and a pleasant numbing sensation took over. She kept drinking until the pleasant numbing sensation took over, derailing her concentration and leaving her rudderless. She went to her door and slipped out. Looking both ways she found herself at the dorm at the end of the hall. She tapped carefully. As she had expected it was opened almost instantly by Flynn. He gave her an odd, knowing half smile before letting her in. She sank into the chair and opened her bottle. She took another swig and then handed it to him.  
“It’s been a bad day?” he questioned. It wasn’t really a question though. She shrugged. If she weren’t trapped in bunker hours away from civilization she’d be in a bar getting herself thoroughly drunk. Then she’d find the first attractive, non-creepy person and let herself forget herself in some meaningless encounter. That wasn’t exactly an option right now.  
“Want to talk about it?” he asked her. Lucy shook her head. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of being hurt. Of having her heart ripped to shreds and trampled on. She was tired of being upset and sad. She just wanted to reach this point of numbness that she wouldn’t remember anything.  
She drank in silence trying not to see Wyatt and Jessica interacting and the look of triumph on Jessica’s face the minute she saw Wyatt. Lucy’s stomach was churning as she remembered it. Why had she fallen in love with him? Why? It meant pain and heartache. She wanted to go back and fix it all. She did have regrets, damn it. She wanted to forget.  
“I just want to forget.” She cried out. She put the bottle on the floor and threw herself in the general direction of where she thought Flynn was. She knew, even in her drunken state, that this was a bad idea. She didn’t care. She was tired of it all. So tired and she just wanted to forget. To pretend none of the last few months had happened. To pretend that Jessica hadn’t come back and Rufus wasn’t dead and she wasn’t heartbroken.   
“I knew you only came here because you were depressed about him. This isn’t about us. This is about Wyatt.” His voice was quiet. Maybe even a little sad. Actually, scratch that, very sad. Lucy was vaguely aware that she was using him. It wasn’t quite fair of her to do this. She pulled away and put her hand up to her face. It came back wet with tears.  
Suddenly she was crying. And she couldn't stop crying. It didn't matter how hard she tried to stop it. For the first time since that day Wyatt had left her by the fan, she was crying for them. She hadn't allowed herself the luxury of tears. After he announced Jessica's survival she hadn't had time to cry. She had to go to Salem. And then there had been her pride, which wouldn’t let her cry over something, as inconsequential as a man. There had never been the luxury of tears. Somehow she suspected the minute she let go and cried she’d shatter into a million pieces. Fall apart and never get put back together.   
“I’m sorry.” She blurted out. Because she was sorry. Sorry for not being the person everyone wanted her to be. For not being the Lucy of the journal and not being the Lucy Wyatt wanted and not being the Lucy her mother wanted. Sorry for everything.  
"What does the journal say?" she asked. Somehow she had to know. Know what that journal-self had said.   
“Jessica was always around. She was pregnant. She and Wyatt left. I took his place. I don’t think she was Rittenhouse. Then again you never mentioned Emma being Rittenhouse either.” The words were soft and sad. Lucy fought the haze of alcohol to sit up. So that proved it? Didn’t it? Wyatt and Jessica were meant to be. Always had been. Always would be. And she had been the unfortunate victim of that.   
“I didn’t believe in soul mates and all that crap. Now I do. And it fucking sucks.” She took another drink because she needed the relief of numbness again.   
“I don’t believe in it either. But…” he paused and said thoughtfully, “I believe in choices. And that journal’s timeline is shot to hell. Very little of what’s written actually happened.”  
“I was so stupid. I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea and I just kept going. I thought I could handle…” Lucy gulped. Another sob shook her leaving her caught in its embrace. "Being the second choice. But not now. Not with her alive."   
There had to be some sort of humiliating symmetry in the world that she’d be sobbing and drinking in Flynn’s room after everything she had been through. That it would be him she’d go to when she was at her lowest. She could have gone to Jiya but Jiya didn’t need her complaints about her love life when her boyfriend was dead.   
“I just want to forget.” She repeated, reaching for her bottle.   
“Lucy,” Flynn’s voice was hazy in her head. It echoed in and out like some type of phantom. “It doesn’t have to be this way.”  
She wasn’t sure what he was saying. Her brain was fogged with liquor and she tilted to the side. She almost fell off the edge of the bed but she righted herself and took a step towards the chair. Tears were still dripping off of her face as she slid to the floor. She just wanted to rest. To forget.   
She awoke with a pounding headache and a stomach that churned with the worst hangover she had in years. She stumbled up and looked around. Where was she? She was in her room she shared with Jiya. It was going on late morning. She blinked in the dim light of the room fighting to remember what had happened the night before. She hadn’t got this drunk in years. Slowly, things began to come back as she gingerly sat up. Instantly she regretted that movie. Within seconds she was emptying her stomach in the wastebasket.  
"Oh god, Lucy." Jiya's voice was soft and soothing as she knelt beside her. Well, this was officially the most humiliating experience of her life.   
Lucy’s mind was slowly clearing but her body had other ideas. She still felt sick as a dog as she stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower. Her head felt like it was being ripped apart as she let the hot water stream over her. She ended up getting sick again as she fought the desire to simply collapse. What was wrong with her?  
Lucy finally got it together enough to put her clothes on and wrap her hair in a towel. The second she had stepped out of the bathroom Jiya was there with an ugly looking smoothie. “My super secret hangover cure. I promise it works.”  
"Thank you." She whispered. It tasted horrible but Jiya was right. Nausea started to subside as she sipped it.   
“Come on. I’ll make some breakfast.” Jiya pulled her along to the kitchen. Lucy couldn’t face the idea of facing her fellow bunker mates after everything that transpired. She had absolutely lost control, something she was terrified of. They’d all judge her. She judged herself. Her memories of sobbing uncontrollably in Flynn’s room and talking about things she hadn’t told anyone else. Her awkward, desperate pass she had made at him. Oh, god that’s so humiliating.   
She almost lost it then and there when she found that the kitchen wasn’t empty as she desperately hoped. Wyatt was sitting at the kitchen table staring defiantly out the window. He looked about as bad as she felt. Suddenly her heart ached for him. She could get so angry with him. She was angry simply because she cared for him so desperately. And when she saw him looking like death itself her heart always melted. Without fail she wanted to comfort him. But she couldn’t do it. Only Jessica and the baby that probably didn’t exist could.  
"You two need breakfast," Jiya announced. She forced Lucy into a chair and added, "I'm the best roommate ever, right?"   
Lucy smiled at Jiya because honestly Jiya Marri was some sort of saint and no one deserved her. Jiya cracked the eggs into a bowl and began mixing them together. Wyatt’s eyes focused on hers as he said brokenly, “You missed training this morning.”  
“I know. I was…hung over.” She finally said.  
She could see the pain written all over his face as he stared at her for a moment. “Listen, Lucy,” he hesitated and glanced at Jiya who was listening to music while cooking eggs. “ I just want you to be happy, or at least as happy as you can be with…everything. I just…support you.”   
She glanced down at her lap and closed her eyes to fight more tears that threatened to fall. He had to know exactly where she had been last night. And for the first time, ever, really he wasn’t judging her or making jealous remarks. It was a bit sad that he had done so in the first place but she supposed it was a definite improvement. Despite all they had been through he would always care about her.   
“Thank you.” She whispered. “I feel the same way about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Lucy, I know you’re upset but getting drunk and going to a guy’s room to cry about another guy is probably a really bad idea. I’m just saying. It may seem a trifle out of character but I felt like Lucy did something similar in the deleted scene with Noah in season 1. We never really see Lucy full on cry over her lost relationship with Wyatt. Here we see her just finally lose it and sob. She sure needs that cry.  
> I wrote another fic, "Turn South from This Place" that loosely relates to the Journal Lucy that Flynn described here. (I will say in warning that the section I reference here is a Garcy section. Not a shipper but I felt it fit that section. The rest of the story is very much Lyatt though.) Basically, in that version, Jessica isn't Rittenhouse but is pregnant and Wyatt and Jessica leave and that's that. This story's journal will have a slightly different twist than Turn South and won't have a Garcy ending.   
> Also, I will attest to the fact that Jiya Marri is an actual angel and that no one in that bunker deserves her. I love her so much and her friendship with Lucy is one of my favorite parts of this fic.   
> Yes, Wyatt knows where she spent the night and it’s basically killing him. But look how much character development. He’s not acting all judgey and jealous. I’m proud of you. And he also has so many other terrible things going on that it’s not the biggest thing. Not that he doesn’t love Lucy but he isn’t as focused. I also feel sorry for Flynn. He knows darn well what caused Lucy to come to him and it has to hurt a lot. Damn, this whole pile of angst just plain hurts.  
> I can promise some lightness (yes, I know. I’m capable of it) in the next chapter and maybe Lyatt finally getting on the same page on things.


	13. Chapter 13 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Show me a twilight that longs to plunge into night more than I long for you. Show me a mirror that yearns to reflect you more than I yearn to reflect you more than I yearn for you. Show me a desert that longs for its prophet more than I long for you. Show me a cry for hands outstretched more than I yearn for you.   
> Ounsi El Hage  
> Trigger Warning: PTSD attack and mention of mental illness

There were bad days and there were bad days. This was definitely a bad, bad day. He woke up in the middle of the night despite the whiskey after having a horrible nightmare of Rufus dying again. At first, he told himself that it was all wrong because masked men hadn’t killed Rufus with swords until he remembered it didn't matter because Rufus was still dead. He stood up rapidly trying to wipe away all the memories of the dream. The reality was bad enough. He'd dreamed of babies screaming and that had really done it. Nearly sent him into a black hole bigger than the state of Texas. He had to climb out of it. Somehow.   
He wished for the dream back when he went to Lucy’s room and found her bed empty and untouched. He hadn’t really planned to come there but he was desperate for someone to talk to. Jiya was tossing and turning on her bed with red eyes. There was only one other place she could be at this hour of the night. Well, that certainly proved it. The jealousy reared its ugly head. He felt like punching the wall again. Why had he gone to talk to Jessica? He had to know what she was threatening and because he had to find out about the baby. It took everything not to knock on that door and…and what. There was absolutely nothing he could say or do that could fix it. And even if he could that probably wasn’t what Lucy wanted. Short of going back in time and destroying his phone so he never received Jessica’s text there was no going back. It was too much. Too painful. Everything was.  
He made himself a cup of coffee but didn’t drink it as he buried his head in his hands and tried to regain some measure of control. His mind had become a battlefield and it was increasingly hard to shut off the intrusive thoughts and overall hopelessness. This was what happened to soldiers who spent too much time on the battlefield. He remembered the Alamo and how lost he had been. Fighting for sanity in the midst of chaos. And then Lucy coming and putting her hands on his face and telling him how much she needed him. Saving his life and his heart in the process.   
She didn’t need him now. Not after what he had done. And Rufus was dead. The baby was dead. So where was his purpose? What was the point of living? He heard a noise out in the hallway and immediately stood at attention. He peeked out the kitchen door to see a very drunk Lucy stumbling out of the farthest room into the hall. Flynn’s room. Of course. It wasn’t a surprise but it still twisted his guts unpleasantly. He saw the other man keep her upright as she kept veering off in different directions. Lucy was always clumsy but drunk she could barely keep herself upright. She looked awful with red swollen eyes and a look of despair on her face.   
“Why?” she slurred. “Why am I so…stupid?”  
“You aren’t stupid. God knows you aren’t.” Flynn’s voice was quiet as he finally managed to get her towards the door.   
Jiya opened it right away and got on Lucy's other side, "Thanks, Flynn. I'll take it from here."   
“She’ll be ok once she sleeps it off.”  
Jiya nodded, “It’s been a rough few months. I’m surprised she hasn’t fallen apart before this.”  
Wyatt stepped away from the doorway and picked up his coffee cup to avoid being caught eavesdropping. Well, he certainly knew his answer now. At least perhaps Lucy had a chance at happiness. He wanted more than anything to see the smile return to her face. If it was another person who brought that smile to her face, so be it. That didn’t make anything any easier on the guilt and shame front. It didn’t make the sadness over Rufus’s death any less intense. It didn’t make the whole “was Jessica really pregnant and if she was I lost a baby” feeling any better. But then was there anything that he could do to ease that?  
A few minutes later Jiya came into the kitchen. She gave him a sad smile and said, “She’s ok. Just drunk.”  
Wyatt pretended that he hadn’t been eavesdropping but Jiya only gave a short laugh, “Come on. You’re not exactly subtle about it.”  
He tried to control the knee-jerk reaction to punch the wall. Jiya let him squirm for a few seconds before saying, “He told me that she got really drunk and started crying. And no, no matter what it looks like he’s not a rapist. Lucy’s just not doing as well as she pretends she is. So no attacking her or anyone else.”  
Jiya’s stern tone made him wince but her gaze softened as she said, “Hey, Wyatt, I understand. I’d want to punch a bunch of walls if I had to watch Rufus with some other girl. But this is kind of what happened with Jessica.”  
"I know. Believe me, I know I deserve it." Wyatt replied.   
“It’s not about that. Regardless of what happened or more precisely what didn’t happen that’s just the way life works. I can’t promise Lucy still loves you. But what I can promise is that if you treat her with respect you will keep her friendship.” Jiya’s voice was serious and earnest. Wyatt nodded, not trusting himself to speak.   
If Jiya knew he was watching then Flynn knew as well. And when he walked into the kitchen he was sure he knew. From the thunderous glances, he was sending his way something had occurred with Lucy. Jiya went back out of the room leaving them alone together. Wyatt was about to make his leave as well. The last thing he'd want was to see Flynn rub his humiliation at him. He already knew he deserved it. But whatever deity might exist was obviously having a field day having him be the one to administer this punishment.   
"So what did you're lovely wife want to talk about?" Flynn spoke casually as if they were actually having a pleasant conversation.   
“Oh just about threatening Lucy and how she lost the baby. Nothing of any importance.” Wyatt replied icily. But the edge of hysteria must have shown in his manner.   
"That's nothing new. Of course, she'd have said that. She's got your number and she’ll use it. She was never pregnant, Wyatt. She just knew you’d keep saving her if she used that line.”  
Wyatt turned to leave. Talking to Flynn was impossible. “You know you might want to advertise the whole ex thing. Might make people trust you a little more.”  
Wyatt couldn’t understand Flynn’s motives. Why was he helping him? Helping him in a strange, roundabout, and totally offensive way but still helping. Perhaps because he had absolutely nothing to lose. He already got what he had wanted. “Yeah, sure.” He muttered.   
Lucy was stumbling out of her bedroom when he entered the hall. She didn’t even see him as she rushed past. She looked like hell, which was the way most people looked after drinking as much as she probably had. He wanted to help her. But there was absolutely nothing he could do to help her. He turned back towards his room but thought better of it. He wasn’t going to hide away like a sulky teenager. He knew the answer to the question he hadn’t asked. Lucy didn’t love him, could never love him and he didn’t deserve her love even if she did. And he had bigger things to worry about. Grief was all too consuming.   
The kitchen was empty as he came in. Within a few seconds, Jiya was dragging a reluctant Lucy to the table and making them all breakfast. He glanced at Lucy and the pure misery on her face. "You missed training this morning." He commented. That was obvious.  
“I was…hung over.” She replied.   
He glanced over at Jiya who was listening to music. "Listen, Lucy, I just want you to be happy, or at least as happy as you can be with…everything. I just…support you.”   
She looked touched for a moment as she sat there. But she also looked so broken and lost. No wonder. There wasn’t a single person in the whole bunker who wasn’t deeply affected by the changes. “There it is. My super secret hangover cure.” Jiya’s voice broke into his thoughts. She put down three plates with eggs, toast and hot sauce on the table.   
“Thank you, Jiya. What can I do to make this up to you?” he said forcing a smile.   
She shrugged, “Pay attention when I try to teach you to pilot like the Professor here.”  
Lucy smiled wanly and then went back to cutting tiny bits off of her eggs and pretending to eat. Wyatt couldn’t blame her for her lack of appetite. He didn’t want to eat himself. But he choked it down because Jiya had taken the trouble of making it. After washing the dish he said, “So are piloting lessons still on?”  
“I don’t think this morning. Why don’t we all go on a hike? The fresh air will do us good.” Jiya actually looked excited for a second. Lucy brightened as well.  
"That sounds like…" she hesitated and then said, "fun."   
“Come on. Let’s get ready.” Jiya replied.   
Denise, Michelle, and Connor were too busy to go but Olivia was eager to get out of the bunker. Olivia’s smile stretched across her face as she ran outside and spun around in dizzying circles. Jiya walked beside her and picked a few dandelions to weave a flower crown, which she put on Olivia’s head. Lucy was smiling a little sadly but she had her sunglasses on so it was hard to discern her mood. Wyatt kept back from the rest. The night and morning had been hell itself and he didn’t particularly care to talk to anyone.   
Hiking had once been something he and Jessica had done together. She liked exploring the local nature trails and usually dragged him along with. Back in the day, he hated it because his idea of a workout was going to the gym for an intense workout not wandering around some creek for hours. Jessica always walked slowly taking dozens of pictures. Now as he thought about that all he could remember was her look as she told him his child had died or as she threatened Lucy.   
“Is everything ok? I mean, scratch that, everything is not ok but…” Lucy’s voice broke into his thoughts. She looked sad and thoughtful as she gazed at the lake but her voice soothed him. She always had that effect on him. She’d probably never dream of it.   
“Yeah,” he said. “Rittenhouse is threatening you. And apparently the baby died or Jessica was never pregnant. But besides that I’m fine.”  
Lucy wasn’t taken in by Wyatt’s show of casualness. Her face softened and she reached out a hand to touch his arm. It was a gentle gesture but brought so much comfort. Her warm dark eyes were tender as she said, “Oh Wyatt, I’m so sorry.”  
“Well, maybe it’s just as well. Rittenhouse would have turned them into some sort of brainwashed monster.” It’s not just as well. I just don’t have the courage to admit it. I’m not ok, damn it.   
Lucy seemed to have the same thought. She spoke with conviction, “It’s ok not to be ok. This has to be so painful. Regardless of whether what she said before was true.”  
"I could say the same about you," Wyatt replied. He was thinking of seeing her drunk and her talking about how she was stupid. Lucy wasn't ok. She wasn't happy and it broke his heart seeing her like this.   
"I got so drunk last night," Lucy confessed. "I haven't gotten that drunk since college. And I made a fool of myself. The worst of it is I don't feel better. I feel worse."   
“You were right, you know. When you said it was easier. But not for the reason you think.” Lucy’s glance of surprise pained him. She didn’t understand but then again, how could she?  
“What do you mean?” she questioned. Her voice didn’t sound angry. She just sounded curious.  
“I knew how I felt about you. I just…you took all the other options off the table. I couldn’t just leave her, that wouldn’t have been right. Although now I guess I wish I had. Would have spared us all a lot of pain.”  
“Wyatt, I never wanted you to leave your wife. Never. I fought so hard for you because I thought I was making you happy. I was going to do the right thing as well. If you ever got the impression that was why I was mad then I’m sorry.” Lucy appeared shaken as she spoke. “I was angry because you kept trying to pretend nothing had happened. That I could be your best friend and awkward kind of ex while being married to someone else. I was mad because you wanted to tell me whom I could be a friend with or spend my time. That’s different.”  
“I’m sorry. I was, I was absolutely horrible to you. For the record, it wasn’t just jealousy. I was also worried about you. I don’t, didn’t trust Flynn not to hurt you.”   
“I know. I know our…friendship is surprising to you. It surprises me too. I do understand this situation was difficult. Really I do. It’s just...it felt like you didn’t listen to me. I kept saying that I needed space.” Lucy smiled wanly as she took another step. She looked absolutely beautiful. But it was her wonderful personality that made him love her.   
“You’re right. I didn’t listen. I was so wrapped up in my own confusion.”   
“ I do understand why you lied to us about Jessica’s Rittenhouse connection. It’s not an excuse but…I know if Amy came back I wouldn’t have believed she was dangerous. Even knowing our mother. I just wouldn’t have believed it was possible that she was capable of that. I just wish you had trusted us with that.”   
He nodded. “I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess I was afraid that once I told someone my fears would be real. And I guess I felt guilty for suspecting her. Like I was somehow the one to blame. Being this shitty husband already.”  
"Wyatt, you've messed up. Big time. I'm not going to pretend differently. But Jessica being Rittenhouse isn't your fault. She deceived you and deceived us all. None of us believed she was Rittenhouse except for Agent Christopher. Of course, you weren't going to suspect that she was Rittenhouse or if she was that she was going to do what she did." Lucy gave him a soft smile. Then for just an instant, she wrapped her arms around him. "I feel like this, this will get better. Somehow. And I believe, somehow, we'll get Rufus back."   
It was hard to believe her with the pain so present. But he nodded because somehow knowing she had faith that things would improve made him feel lighter and something like relief settled in his heart.   
“You should get drunk more often. It makes you less of a pessimist.” Wyatt commented as she pulled away.   
Lucy only gave a tiny laugh before saying, “We should get back before everyone else thinks we got kidnapped or something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Wyatt. My heart aches for him. I have my share of serious mental health issues and it’s really difficult. His PTSD took a real step back with Rufus’s death and now he’s really struggling. If you’re struggling with any type of mental illness be aware that it will get better. I promise you. There is light at the end of the tunnel.   
> Jiya is being a great friend to both Lucy and Wyatt. I know it was hard to hear but Wyatt needs to remember that his little joke with Rufus deeply hurt Lucy and even though nothing happened with Flynn this situation is analogous. He can't be jealous. And look, he's accepting that. Also for reference, Lucy was really drunk so if anything had happened it would have been non-consensual. Just want to throw that out there. And look, Flynn’s actually being kind of helpful in a weird and offensive way. Flynn is one of those characters that does actually care about people but has a terrible way of showing it and will never admit it.   
> Also, that was the last scene that was even remotely romantic for Garcy so hopefully that will relieve some people. I really like that conversation between Lyatt. Once Lucy understood what happened she was all sympathy. See, that's what happens when you don't communicate, girl. Anyway, the Lyatt friendship is back in business and heading for the slow burn to romance (I'm not kidding about the slow burn).


	14. Chapter 14 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How long how long was it they  
> wandered,  
> loving fearing loving  
> fugitives whose dangerous only  
> hidingplace  
> was love?  
> Robert Hayden

Somehow getting drunk and acting stupid actually knocked some sense into her. After eating breakfast, at least as much as she could handle, she resolved that she had to deal with her issues. Last night had been solely caused by her preverbal habit of stuffing her feelings down until one day they popped up and made her do something reckless. She had nearly destroyed, probably had destroyed, a friendship over her own emotional pain.  
She found Flynn watching Olivia a little apart from the group. She could only imagine how much pain seeing a little girl roughly the same age, as Iris must cause him. Guilt curled its way up her throat. She hadn’t exactly been the best friend. Far from it. Had part of it been lingering resentment over how he had treated her when they had been working at cross-purposes? Lucy knew she had some passive aggressive tendencies but it made her feel a little distressed to think that she had been acting like that. Better to have an honest conversation than to pretend to be a friend only to be mean about it.  
“Listen, uh…” Lucy swallowed hard and tried to force the words out, “I’m sorry about last night. When I get drunk I’m pretty weird and I have some horrible memory of sobbing and maybe acting inappropriate and I’m so sorry.”  
He gave her his odd half smile, “It’s ok, Lucy. We’ve all had our awkward moments.”  
“I think I need to cut back on the drinking. I’ll end up an alcoholic if I don’t watch out. I just…it helped me deal with things.” Lucy confessed.  
“Probably. But maybe just saying what you really feel would be…” he paused and then went on, “Frankly you need to kick a few more doors and say a few more damns.”  
"Oh, I have been," Lucy admitted. "I've been so angry recently. I've wanted to just shake everyone. I never really was like that. I was the nice, agreeable one."  
"You need to talk to him. Otherwise, you'll never hash it out. And it will only get worse. The longer this sits the less likely it will be you'll be able to work it out." Lucy wondered why he was saying this. Was it because he really did, in his own odd way, care about her happiness?  
"Yeah, I know. It's just really hard. Because part of me doesn't want to hear the answers. I've been thinking about Noah recently. And I treated him pretty damn poorly. I kept out engagement going long past the point where I knew there was nothing there just because I didn't want to make my mom mad. I mean he's probably Rittenhouse but I think, I think in the other timeline we actually loved each other. And it wasn't fair. But honestly, I didn't understand how much it hurt. I was used to getting out of relationships before it hurt. I used to joke with Amy. Get out of the relationship before it hurts more than Ben and Jerry's can heal." Lucy rubbed her forehead where the lingering remnants of a headache still remained. "So I guess what I'm saying is I can't totally take the moral high ground."  
"You're a lot less of a romantic than most people give you credit for," Flynn commented. Lucy nodded. She wasn't a romantic. She didn't believe in soul mates or love at first sight. She believed in love, now, after a long time because the reality hurt so damn much.  
“ Thank you,” Lucy hesitated. “For listening to me. I’m sort of pathetic right now.”  
"No, you aren't, Professor. Believe me, I've seen far worse drunk people." He replied smiling slightly.  
"You mean, done worse," Lucy answered. He only gave a laugh and a self-deprecating shrug.  
Lucy found Wyatt standing by a tree staring off into the distance. He had gotten more and more silent since…since Rufus. He was withdrawn and surly nearly all the time. Lucy remembered only one time he had gotten quite this low. It had been the Alamo and he had been resolved to sacrifice himself for the men. Lucy had been so scared she’d lose him forever. Holding his face in her hands she had pled with him, let herself be vulnerable and need him. She had held out a lifeline and he had taken it. That had been the moment she realized her feelings for him extended beyond friendship. By the time they had kissed in front of Bonnie and Clyde, she was well on her way to being helplessly in love with him.  
After all, despite all the pain she had been put through all those weeks, he still was her hot-headed, reckless soldier with the heart that was so focused on doing good he sometimes forgot how to do right. As she heard exactly what Jessica had said her anger against the other woman grew. How cold and calculated she was. How had she really thrown the love he had thrown her away by betraying him and his team? By basically ensuring that her baby, if there were ever a baby, would die because she insisted on time traveling. What kind of mother did that without knowing the consequences?  
The anger was leeching out as she talked. The predominant feeling left was pain. Lucy hated that feeling. She felt so vulnerable without the protective cloak of anger. She supposed she'd have to live with the pain for a while. Rufus's death was a wound that would never heal. The only thing holding her together was knowing that perhaps one day they could bring him back. Jiya was the one really suffering from Rufus's death but there was also Connor who they barely saw anymore. He was drinking too much and spending most of his time working on fixes to the Lifeboat and trying to figure out how to travel on your own timeline. Denise kept quiet and tried even harder to protect them. But Lucy and Wyatt were different. They had developed camaraderie with Rufus that was stronger than any blood relation. It was the bond of teammates and friends. It was the bond of knowing that they could depend upon each to save each other. No other team, no matter how close, could quite make up for it.  
" I miss him more and more each day," Wyatt said softly. He looked crushed and broken again. Lucy reached out and touched his hand. For the first time since she had met him, he didn't respond. He looked frozen. Fear trickled through her. What would happen if she, if they, couldn't bring him back? What if he got stuck in those spirals of doubt and guilt and stopped wanting to live? If he did what he did after Jessica’s death?  
“So do I,” she whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I see my readers are probably annoyed with all the angst and Garcy stuff. I promise it’s over. There will be more angst because Rittenhouse is still there and worse than ever but Lyatt is just going to get closer and closer. It’s a slow process but it will happen.  
> I thought thinking about how Lucy strung Noah along was an interesting parallel to the way Wyatt treated her. I think since Noah never was developed as a character we never developed any sympathy for him. Plus he was probably Rittenhouse although the writers did bring up an interesting theory that perhaps he was unaware of Rittenhouse like Lucy.  
> Lucy's now back in the Protect Wyatt Logan Squad and I'm loving it. Their friendship is so special that it's been super painful to see things so strained between them. Now they are stronger and happier together. Lucy can't save him though. She can only encourage him to get professional help. (I think this is really important. No relationship can save another person. Mental illness is far too complicated to be solved by a relationship.) For the record, I think Wyatt's getting a bit of a PTSD attack at the end. I know the conversation between them is a little different than the one in the last chapter but I think we can assume this conversation occurred directly after the previous one.


	15. Chapter 15 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She misses and surprises me, captivates, speaks and listens to me. I yearn to interpret her as she interprets me. She knows more of me than I do myself. If I ask about myself, she gives me kisses and comforts me with kindness.  
> Sara Pujol Russell
> 
> Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts and mention of mental illness.

They were nearing the one-year anniversary of Rufus’s death and the cracks in the composure for everyone were widening. Jiya kept her end of the bargain and piloted the Lifeboat on missions and trained them but other than that kept to herself. Lucy and Connor were the only people who could draw her out. Her grief was quiet but nonetheless real. But Jiya’s courage was so startling that it was hard to imagine just how she kept going. He’d never imagine that nerdy girl that Rufus was so crazy about had nerves of steel. She spent a lot of time talking to Michelle, who was a therapist and working with Connor on renovating the Lifeboat.  
He and Flynn would probably never be friends, but at least they weren’t enemies anymore. They had a tenuous ally ship that they had to work together to take down Rittenhouse. Wyatt had to admit Flynn was effective. He understood Rittenhouse and Emma better than anyone else. And considering just how many gains Rittenhouse was making that Intel was important. Emma’s strategy was brilliant. She knew what trigger points to attack and even more importantly she knew what current day political issues to get involved with. More and more politicians were emerging with ties to Rittenhouse. And the worst of it was they couldn’t do much about it. Gone were the days of elites like Carol and Keynes talking about Rittenhouse being blood. Emma’s Rittenhouse was a totally different animal.  
Jessica was a constant thorn in his side. She seemed to have fit fully into her role as Emma’s second in command. While she carried a gun and wasn’t afraid to use it Jessica seemed more squeamish about killing people than her leader. Jessica’s main role wasn’t to kill people though. She was the negotiator, the actor, and the person who could lie flawlessly. Seeing her in action was incredible. She’d slap that fake smile on her face and say something so convincingly that half unconsciously he’d believe her. No wonder she had pulled the wool over their eyes so well. She pretended to love him still. Wyatt stopped questioning whether she did or not. This woman was patently not the woman he had fallen in love with. She was an imposter, a fraud residing in his dead wife’s body. He just wished she’d go away and stop tearing at the good memories he had of her. Every time he thought of the real Jessica he’d think of Jessica holding a gun out or lying or following Emma’s bidding.  
And then there was Lucy. They were friends again, of that he was so thankful that it sometimes seemed one of the only good parts to his life. She was still strong and tender and funny and clumsy and so smart it hurt. She was just as bossy if anything she had only gotten more assertive. She was getting physically stronger as well. While Lucy wasn’t a soldier she was getting muscles and her self-defense skills were vastly improved. She was also much better at using a gun. He believed if she kept working as hard as she was someday Lucy Preston would be prepared to take down anyone in the bunker, including himself. Training kept them together and reminded him of the past. Of the old intimacy they used to share long before they were lovers. Sometimes they’d just spend time together. Just talking or while Lucy was reading and he was watching some boring game. There was something so restful and beautiful about it. Those quiet hours in the middle of the nightmare when the pain would dull and for just a little bit he’d be happy and content. Lucy’s face would soften, the usual care slipping away and a smile sliding across her face.  
Not to say he didn’t remember the past. Those few glorious hours they had been “a thing”. Sometimes he wondered if she remembered them. If they stuck out in her mind as sharply as they did his. If she got the sudden urge to kiss him as often as he did with her. If she remembered anything at all. Or if this reemergence of their friendship was a sign that had been all they’d ever meant to be.  
The advantage to loving without expectation was that there were no more games. When he remembered his old competitive arrogant attitude towards Lucy he realized how much it had cost their relationship. He could get her cups of tea and sit and listen to her struggle on about history and smile knowing that Lucy Preston was in her element. He could train her and watch with pride as she slowly developed new skills.  
Mentally things were less stable by the day. He recognized the signs from guys in his unit who started to lose their focus after too much time spent on the field. They started taking more risks, stupid ones or seemed to stop caring whether they lived or died. It was a fatal thing to lose your focus and drive out there. It didn’t just result in your death but the deaths of your teammates. One mistake could have devastating consequences. He had felt that way after Jessica died but he had managed to pull himself out of it long enough to function. Kind of, sort of, function. But this time around there was too much guilt and too much sense of deja vu. He could hide it reasonably well from Jiya, Lucy and Connor but Denise and Flynn weren’t taken in. They knew too much about war too be deceived with his fake show of bravado. So far they hadn’t said anything. Wyatt didn’t know if he should feel grateful that he could pretend that everything was fine or lost because he desperately wished there was someone to fix everything. Sometimes things just felt so intense. He wished there was an off button in his head to get rid of the nightmares of Rufus dying, the tight feeling in his chest when he interacted with Jessica or the way the endless streams of guilt seemed to take over. It felt out of control and if there was one thing he loathed it was not being able to control things. It was easier to just shove these uncomfortable things aside and pretend they didn’t exist. Fake it until you make it, right? If only it wasn’t getting harder to fake.  
“It’s Rufus’s birthday tomorrow,” Jiya announced. “I want to have a party. He’d love it.” Jiya blinked rapidly and tried smiling but it came out more like a grimace.  
Lucy reached out and took her hand, “That’s a great idea. I’m not taking over the cooking though. I think you’d all die.”  
Everyone laughed. Lucy’s terrible cooking skills had become a bunker joke. “I’ll bring the chocodiles and I can get Star Wars themed stuff.” Lucy went on. “You know how impressed he would be if we binge watched every single Star Wars movie ever made.”  
“Denise and I can make the meal. Rufus loved that mac and cheese we made and I remembered he talked about how much he liked Denise’s chili.” Michelle spoke up. Wyatt tried to hide his wince of pain. He remembered Rufus’s enthusiasm over the food Denise had brought but to be honest everyone had been pretty excited. The bunker food was absolutely horrible. But Rufus had said Michelle’s mac and cheese reminded him of his mom’s. Wyatt tried not thinking of Rufus’s family who had mourned his death a few months too soon.  
“I’ll bring drinks.” Connor said. “Never was much of a cook. And streamers. Birthday parties should always have streamers.”  
“And paper chains.” Olivia smiled at him. “I’m really good at them.”  
“This is great.” Jiya said. Her eyes were red but she was smiling.  
That left Wyatt and Flynn to pick their poison. “I’ll make the cake,” they said simultaneously.  
Jiya grinned, “Good. You can do it together. Making a cake takes more time anyway.”  
“That’s not necessary,” Wyatt said. “I can do it myself.”  
“I’m sure you can, although I don’t remember ever hearing you can bake. But you guys fight Rittenhouse. You can manage a damn cake. Also, it’s like a good team building exercise.” Jiya was laughing at them openly.  
“I can help,” Lucy said helpfully.  
“No!” everyone else shouted. Lucy only grinned and shrugged.  
Wyatt had expected that baking a cake would involve buying a cake mix and following the directions on the package and then slathering frosting all over it. But then Flynn mentioned going with a Star Wars theme and Wyatt wanted the Lifeboat. Jiya, who seemed like the mediator, gave the extremely unhelpful advice of going with what was “easier”. When had either of them ever done that? It was relatively easy to avoid each other when baking the cake part since that was as easy as following the directions on the package. The frosting was a different story. Frosting cakes were incredibly difficult and neither of them was an artist by any stretch of the imagination and. Within five minutes Wyatt was ready to throw the whole tube of frosting at Flynn’s face. The only thing stopping him was the fact that they had only a limited supply. Flour on the other hand…  
“It looks horrible. You are completely destroying this.” Wyatt seized the butter knife and stabbed at the cake. Why had he ever thought that watching a couple of YouTube videos about cake decorating made him an expert?  
“You aren’t doing so hot yourself,” Flynn actually had the audacity to laugh. Wyatt glanced around. There were some knives sharper than a butter knife but Flynn had positioned himself in front of them. Damn it.  
“What are you trying to do? Frost Emma to death.” Jiya called out. They both frowned at her. She only smiled. “Rufus would be so proud of that joke. Also, he’d have so much fun seeing you two argue over cake. While Lucy and I drink beer, play cards, and chop wood. Feminism.”  
Jiya was probably heading towards drunk. She frowned at the cake and said, “What’s that supposed to be anyway? A representation of this bunker?”  
“It’s the Lifeboat,” Wyatt explained.  
“Oh,” said Jiya. She tilted her head to the side, “Yeah I mean it needs a little work but yeah, I can kinda see it.”  
“Well, if you’re so confident why don’t you just fix it?” Flynn handed her a tube of frosting. Jiya shrugged and stepped closer.  
“Wow, this is fucking hard.” She commented a few minutes later. “This looks so awful.”  
Wyatt’s neat freak tendencies were going crazy at the lopsided cake. He couldn’t stand messes. It had started long before he entered the military but it had only gotten worse afterward. Jessica used to complain because he was constantly rearranging her stuff.  
“You want to use a knife like this. Smooth across the top. Don’t add anymore frosting.” Michelle grabbed the knife and began dragging it across the surface of the cake. Within seconds the smooth outline of the dome reemerged. Everyone stared at her. She only laughed. “I took a few cake decorating classes back in the day.”  
“Thank you,” Wyatt said. “You saved our asses.”  
Jiya sighed, “I better stack all that wood.” She took a spoonful of frosting and disappeared. Her face had grown soberer and she looked like she was about to cry again.  
The cake was put back in the fridge and the last dish was washed. Flynn disappeared but Wyatt continued to stay in the kitchen finishing his coffee and staring out the window. He liked Michelle a lot. He trusted her and in some way she had become something like a mother to him. It was weird but true. She treated him with the expectation that he could be wonderful. Nobody else, except maybe Lucy back in the day, ever thought that.  
“You’re a neat freak, aren’t you?” Michelle’s voice startled him out of his thoughts.  
“What?” Wyatt glanced at her.  
“I just noticed how bothered you were by the mess, wrong edges and how you clean up everyone else’s stuff.”  
“I don’t know. I guess. I mean it’s a good thing. Keeps things clean.” He replied. Admitting he was a neat freak wasn’t the scariest thing. It was more like an eccentric habit rather than a mental illness. It wasn’t like admitting you saw dead people sometimes and barely handled that pressure in your chest or wanted to die most of the time.  
“I’m fine.” He replied, smiling at her. She gave him a pointed look. But she didn’t argue with him. Instead, she just kept on drinking coffee.  
Alarms filtered in his head as he went back to his room. He hadn’t developed a very positive view of shrinks over his time in the military. They were constantly telling him to talk about his feelings, accept vulnerability and all kinds of other bullshit. He had managed to go to the assigned sessions and then forgot every word they said. Now his brain felt like it was fighting back. The harder he tried to hide things the more it popped up. The more people could see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I skipped over a lot of months but I knew this story would be the length of War and Peace if I didn’t watch out. Therefore there is a lot more description than normal. I know I didn’t cover the “friendship” period but I just couldn’t think of anything interesting that wouldn’t make this story super long.  
> I’m aware that having a Flogan baking a cake scene is completely useless but I am freaking attached to the idea. Of course, they’d try something difficult and then fail miserably and blame the other. Jiya’s just is laughing at them. I read an Everlark story a long time ago by SilverCistern that had a scene where all the male characters were cooking and talking about girls while all the female characters were drinking beer and chopping wood. (I think in this instance Lucy was probably not drinking beer or chopping wood. And Jiya totally beat her at cards because she worked in a saloon for three years. Still, I think they probably spied on the guys and laughed their heads off.)  
> Wyatt not really doing well mentally. I was frustrated that the show dropped his obvious PTSD storyline. Rufus’s death made him spiral really badly and it’s getting harder to hide. As someone with a mental illness myself I completely understand. The neat freak thing was based off of him straightening Rufus’s bed in the deleted scene. I also love the idea of him being a complete neat freak while Lucy is a fan of organized chaos. Also, Wyatt thinks he's hiding his issues from Lucy. We all know he isn't. She just doesn't know what to do.  
> I headcanon Michelle being very warm and caring to everyone and kind of adopting Wyatt. We know she must know of the role the team made in making sure she and Denise met. So I feel like she’d be really supportive and since she’s an outsider wouldn’t have the same judgments as everyone else. (She also adores Lucy and is probably the undercover biggest Lyatt shipper in the whole bunker.) We’ll see more of Michelle later in the story.  
> Next chapter has a fluffy Lyatt scene. I know…I’m capable of fluff.


	16. Chapter 16 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know very well that, except for us, no person in this world can possibly understand the essence of our life together.  
> Gabriela Mistral

Rufus’s party was a success. Lucy felt tears prick her eyes all night long but she knew the pain in her heart was only a reminder of their beloved pilot’s absence. They ate the food, drank the beer and watched the first three Star Wars movies. It was a hard evening. It hurt so much. No one looked unaffected by the night. She nearly broke down when she saw the cake shaped like the Lifeboat. She could fairly hear Rufus in her head making jokes about Wyatt and Flynn and complaining that the cake wasn’t exactly correct.   
By the time everything had been packed away she was ready to drop. Jiya and Lucy no longer shared a room. Since Mark had moved out Lucy had moved into his old room. Jiya went to her room early and Lucy knew better than to bug her. Jiya needed some alone time. Lucy slipped outside and sat down on the edge of the pier. It was her favorite spot. She looked up at the dark, starlit sky and smiled through her tears.   
"It was hard tonight," Wyatt commented. He handed her a beer. She accepted it with a smile and nodded. Honoring Rufus's memory had hurt. She could only imagine how hard it was for Wyatt.   
They had become friends again over the last year. She was no longer angry. The anger had burned away but in its place, there was a world of hurt and fear that had replaced it. She was scared of him because she was scared of herself. She never wanted to experience the pain she had felt in those three weeks Jessica was in the bunker. It had hurt too badly. But that didn't mean that she didn't value his friendship. He was the only person in the world who understood what it was like to lose Rufus in the same way as she did.   
She leaned back and unexpectedly rested her head against his shoulder. The warm late spring night simultaneously soothed her and contributed to the ache in her heart. “Does it get better?” she asked.   
She was thinking about her mother now. Remembering the woman she had always thought her mother was. Bossy, opinionated, snooty but not evil. She was remembering Amy and how she was less and less able to ever get her back. Amy would be a memory only she carried. She didn't even have Amy's locket anymore.   
“I don’t know. I guess it does.” Wyatt said. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and replaced his hand on the pier. He was skittish about touching her just as she was skittish about touching him. Both were scared of opening up the old wounds.   
She worried about Wyatt. She knew he carried guilt the size of Texas around with him, weighing him down and making it impossible to move forward. She worried about his mental state and the way he had been right after Jessica died. She remembered how he hadn't wanted to live. She wished there was something she could do. But unless he was willing to open up she couldn't help him. And perhaps she wasn't the person for him to confide in any way.  
“Thank you.” She said softly. He raised his eyebrows in confusion. “For being here. For being a friend. A support.”  
He smiled a little sadly, “I’m just lucky I can still be part of the exclusive club of Lucy Preston’s friends.”  
She shook her head and laughed a little. “You’re ridiculous.”  
She stretched and winced as she felt the burn in her arms and calves. He had pushed her extra hard that morning. Over the months she had trained her arms had grown hard with muscle and her stomach even flatter despite the slight overall weight gain. She was surprised to find she enjoyed the definition on her body. The way that sleeves sometimes fit just a tad too tight and the way her stomach had those lines showing her abs. She felt powerful, and yeah a little sexy, knowing she was strong. Her coordination was still not exactly the best but she was improving. Wyatt never stinted his praise of her training and though at first, he had done it to motivate her she now felt he was genuinely proud of her.   
She kicked her feet and sighed. Wyatt’s face looked pensive in the dark. She remembered being beside Hedy Lemarr’s pool and seeing the look of joy and exultation before they went inside the guesthouse. That night wasn’t something she was able to forget. It was the night she had soared so high and then just a few hours later came crashing down to earth. Unbidden, in the nights mostly, her mind, soul, body ached for him. If she were honest it was most of the time. She’d relive those moments over and over again. Remembering the feel of his lips all over her body, the sounds of their mingled pants and moans and the way the joy had left them both laughing and grinning at each other. It had been a glorious night, both passionate and incredibly tender, and Lucy wouldn’t ever forget it. She had begun to accept the fact that he loved her. And she had loved him. But anything more than the friendship they had terrified her.   
It wasn't about Jessica anymore. Jessica clearly wasn't pregnant, probably never had been. Lucy had observed Wyatt with this Jessica and realized that while her presence caused him pain, all her protests of love seemed to have no effect on him. Lucy no longer feared him running after Jessica and trying to get her to stop being Rittenhouse. He had accepted Jessica's choice as final. But that didn't mean that the pain had ceased.   
Nor was it about Flynn despite Wyatt's suspicions. He had stopped acting passive aggressive and jealous and seemed to be making an honest effort to be civil with Flynn. And considering that they had managed to make a cake then Lucy supposed they had formed a grudging respect for each other. Lucy was terrified of romance, terrified of falling in love and having the rug pulled out under her feet. There was one thing she now understood. She understood why Wyatt had stolen a time machine to bring Jessica back. If Lucy had been in his position she would have done the same.   
Lucy yawned and briefly considered getting up to go inside. She felt sleepy for the first time in a long time. Normally she stared at the ceiling for hours before going to sleep or had nightmares that left her shaking and sobbing in the night. Jiya had used to comfort her but now she was alone. There was no one she could safely go to that didn’t have some sort of emotional baggage attached. She could feel the pull of sleep settle over her. The breeze was cool and comfortable and she felt safe with her head resting on Wyatt’s shoulder. She was too tired to put up her defenses and her body relaxed against him. She’d go in…in a few minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Rufus's party makes me cry, ok. Darn you Timeless writers for killing him. Thank goodness we have a movie to bring him back. Lyatt is now back to being friends and I love how they just sit and talk and really allow themselves to grieve together. Lucy really wants to help Wyatt but she doesn't know how. And she has her own insecurities and losses she needs to deal with. Poor babies. She really wants Wyatt back but she doesn't know how to manage this. I just love the image of her fall asleep next to him and letting down her guard a bit.   
> There will be more angst in the next couple of chapters (Rittenhouse is still there and kicking) but I think you'll find it forces some revelations and greater intimacy and respect. Maybe even some therapy for the characters?


	17. Chapter 17 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.  
> Federico Garcia Lorca  
> TW: Mention of mental illness. PTSD episode.

Lucy was out cold in five minutes. One moment she was kicking her feet against the pier and looking lost in thought and the next moment she was fast asleep. Her body slumped against him and her head rested on his shoulder. She hadn't fallen asleep near him since the fatal day in Hollywood. Memories swirled around as he forced himself to look away. Lucy wouldn't be happy if she caught him creepily staring at her. He didn't have the right, not anymore. He remembered how that night had been notable for its absence of nightmares or insomnia. He hadn't remembered waking up that happy, almost giddy, in years. It hadn't been the sex or the fact that he had finally come to terms with his feelings for Lucy. It had simply been Lucy. Her soft happy smile and tenderness had been everything. It would have been enough simply to wake up like that every single night and see that contented, joyful expression on her face.   
He thought about waking her. But considering how little sleep she was getting he was reluctant to break her sleep. Lucy often woke up with a haggard face and bloodshot eyes that made him suspect that she was already suffering from all the war she had seen. He had thought somehow he could shield her from that. Keep the innocence in her a little longer. But the day she shot that soldier in 1918 Lucy Preston had become a soldier. And something in her had broken. She had shot an unarmed man in order to stay in Rittenhouse's loyalty so she could blow up the Mothership with her mother in it. Lucy had developed nerves of steel. Something soft and gentle had changed within her and he had no longer been quite so afraid of spoiling her, staining her with his own sins and failures. But he hadn't realized the full extent of Lucy Preston's pure toughness until that night in Chinatown when she had followed Emma. Even though he hadn't witnessed her encounter Wyatt knew it had to have been impressive based solely on Flynn's reaction. A little part of him hated that Flynn had seen that dark part of her long before he had. Admittedly there was the journal but more than that it was his own tendency to romanticize and put on pedestals the people he loved. He had done it with Jessica and now he had done it with Lucy.   
He scooped her up in his arms and lifted her up. She clung to him unconsciously in her sleep her head rolling forward to rest between his neck and shoulder. Her arms snaked around his neck. If he didn't know better he would have sworn her lips were touching him in that spot where her head rested. As it was the mere suggestion of the action sent the blood racing through his veins and set his heart to pounding, this time not at all unpleasantly. She still didn't weigh a lot but her body felt more substantial than it had been before. He found her new look to be in all ways awe-inspiring but sexy as well. The long expanse of toned leg which rested against his arm as he carried her through the door was just about enough to fuel every single teenage fantasy he had ever had. He had always found her attractive, more than attractive, drop dead gorgeous. But there was something about her new assertiveness and control, physically and mentally, that took that to a new level. It was like being a teenager all over again. Stumbling over his words and struggling to hide his feelings for the beautiful and totally out of reach Lucy Preston. Fighting the physical reaction to her because she was Lucy and he was Wyatt the perpetual screw-up.   
He was very glad Jiya and Lucy were no longer sharing a room. He would have surely woken Jiya and had to face her curious stares. He knew Jiya had forgiven him his role in her kidnapping and Rufus's death. But he also knew she'd interpret his actions as overstepping his rights. He probably was overstepping. He should have just woken Lucy up.   
Lucy curled against him tighter as he placed her on her bed. Memories, thick and fast, slid through his mind. The memory of carrying her over to another bed. The feeling of her arms around his neck as she pressed her lips against the skin of his jaw and shoulders, totally distracting him. The look in her eyes as she gazed up at him with warm delight in her dark eyes. He could no more forget those moments than he could forget her.   
She slid down on the bed and tucked her chin into the pillow like a child. He started to pull away when she sleepily tugged at his hand. "Stay." She whispered.   
Lucy didn't want him to stay. She was just saying that because she was sleepy and confused and perhaps she didn't even know who she was talking to. A white-hot pang of agony rushed through him as he considered exactly who Lucy was calling for. But he could no more leave her after that petition than he could fly. He found a chair and sat down managing not to disconnect himself from her. Lucy snuggled deeper into the covers making him smile in spite of himself. She was always cold. Always burrowing down into covers, sweaters, and blankets.   
In a few minutes, he felt her grip loosen. He pushed the chair back and turned to leave. He remembered that night right after Lucy had come to the Bunker. Wyatt had woken up in a cold sweat after dreaming Lucy had been killed right in front of him by a leering Emma. He had to reassure himself she was safe and sound. He had run into her room and found her lying there curled up just as she was now. He had reached down to tuck her into bed and had been overwhelmed by the feelings of love and tenderness flowing through him. He had kissed her forehead before leaving. She hadn't woken up and had never known he had been there. He hadn't known what to call that feeling back then. Now he knew with a stunning clarity it had been love. Perhaps he had always known that. Always known that he was in love with the woman lying there so soft and gentle in sleep.   
Wyatt found his way into his room and shut the door. Despair was settling into his veins as he changed out of his clothes and fell onto his own bed. Rufus's death had weighed heavily on his mind. It wasn't as if it ever ceased to do so but it hurt more tonight than it did normally. It was a constant ache that had settled in his chest making breathing difficult. The loss of Lucy hurt as well. His judgment over his treatment of her only got worse and worse as he considered how he had hurt her. The fact that she had forgiven him enough to give him those smiles and spend any time in his presence didn't make him judge himself less. That was all Lucy. Her compassion and forgiveness were boundless.   
What was the point of it all? It was hard to hold onto hope when it felt like there was nothing left and nothing to grasp onto. The old Wyatt would have gotten drunk. But this Wyatt knew Emma might jump anytime and he didn't dare. This Wyatt had to face his demons without any crutch. The problem was he wasn't strong enough to face them.  
The next morning everyone picked themselves up and tried to go on. That wasn't an easy task. Lucy ignored the incidents of the night before reminding him that she had been asleep the whole time. Jiya was quiet and stayed by herself unless she was giving piloting lessons. Wyatt's progress was slow and not very consistent. He suspected it had more to do with the guilt over Rufus's death than his lack of abilities. Every time he sat down in the seat Rufus' words about the Jessica and Lucy drama. Forget about Rufus not being able to forgive him. He couldn't forgive himself.   
A week after Rufus's party Mason and Jiya ran into the common room. "We made a breakthrough."  
"On what?" Denise asked. She was sifting through a never-ending pile of paperwork.  
"The formula to travel to a place you've already existed," Mason replied.  
The tantalizing possibility had not been taken seriously by anyone but Lucy and Flynn. Wyatt didn't know how Flynn got ahold of Lucy's journal but he hadn't believed it when he said that Lucy had traveled back on her timeline. Now as he realized that Mason and Jiya had made some progress in that vein a sense of hope sparked in him. Maybe, just maybe, all hope was not lost. Maybe he could get good enough at piloting that he could travel back to 1888 and rescue Rufus? He'd probably die or go crazy in the process but that seemed a small price to pay to bring Rufus back.   
"That's amazing." Lucy reached out and gave them both a hug. "We're making progress. We'll get him back. I believe in that."  
At that moment alarms went off around the bunker. Emma had jumped. Jiya ran to the computer and read out, "October 28, 1941. Bletchley Park, England."  
Lucy frowned for a moment. She looked about to speak when Mason broke in, "Bletchley Park….My god, they're going after Alan Turing."  
Even Wyatt knew who he was. He felt a sinking feeling in his gut as he thought of exactly what Emma might do. There was something in his mind that rang off alarms. This mission wasn't going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the picture of sleepy Lucy falling asleep and Wyatt carrying her to bed and tucking her in. I think it wouldn't have worked earlier but they have reached a point in their relationship that they can be that comfortable with each other again. I think Wyatt's realization that he put Lucy on a pedestal and viewed her as a perfect little angel was really important. The problem is that limited her. And it made their relationship difficult because he hadn't come to realize she is flawed and imperfect too.   
> It goes without saying he finds her just as sexy as a strong, badass woman. I love how muscular Future Lucy looked. It's pretty rare in media we see a woman who's muscular and also doesn't have a very revealing outfit or tight skimpy stuff.   
> Lucy wants him to stay. I'd like to headcanon (I'm the writer so for this story its canon) that she just woke up enough to ask him to stay and woke up to find him gone and was disappointed. These two are so ridiculous and lovesick and Lucy won't admit it.   
> Poor Wyatt. He's having a lot of trouble with Rufus's death and the PTSD. He has to hit rock bottom before he'll accept help. But when he does I think he'll start making progress.   
> I am aware that Turing was not the only person working at Bletchley. But I thought we had to include another LBGT+ character besides Agent C. And we featured female scientists in the Space Race episode. So I thought it was time to feature someone like Turing. This mission definitely isn't all that it seems. Wyatt's definitely getting a bad feeling about it. I thought it would be cool to have someone other than Jiya get a premonition. Just for some variety.   
> The next chapter is a huge plot related chapter. When I first started this story I knew this chapter was going to be a big turning point. It's angsty and romantic and I hope it's really satisfying. Things will definitely change after this.


	18. Chapter 18 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I shall do one thing in this life – one thing certain- that is, love you and long for you, and keep wanting you till I die.  
> Thomas Hardy  
> TW: Shooting

Lucy wasn't surprised Mason had been the first to suspect that the location and date were connected to Turing. Mason was a scientist and Turing had been instrumental in doing so much for modern science that anyone with the faintest interest in science was sure to be interested.  
“Turing was considered the father of theoretical computer science and artificial intelligence. This,” Lucy pointed to the computer, “wouldn’t be possible without him. He worked in code breaking during the war that literally made WWII end several years faster. He invented the Turing Machine, which was an early computer prototype. And he ended up being imprisoned for being gay and likely committed suicide.”   
Lucy felt tears start to prick her eyes as she stood there. Alan Turing mattered not just to the scientific community or because he had been a brilliant man. He mattered because his life had been snuffed out by homophobia and prejudice. And now Rittenhouse was going after him. Ensuring his death came before he could invent any of those things. She thought about her own brief romances with other women. Imagined being imprisoned for them. Imagined a world where any of those freedoms were denied. It would be a world that would be theirs if Rittenhouse won.   
“Why don’t you come with?” Lucy questioned Mason. She knew he hated time travel. But Mason smiled boyishly. Meeting his idol was worth the risk. They needed another scientist to help them. Jiya was smiling as well.   
“I can’t believe we get to meet him. He’s so cool.” Jiya gushed. Again she hesitated. Probably thinking of Rufus.  
“I’ll stay behind.” Flynn was quiet and calm. “I’m more of a humanities person anyway.”  
Lucy raised her eyebrows for a second. The rivalry between Wyatt and Flynn had cooled but seeing Flynn make this conciliatory gesture touched her. Then she smiled warmly at him.  
She noticed Wyatt looked alarmed. As she passed him to get into the Lifeboat she whispered, “What’s wrong?”  
"I just have a bad feeling about this. I don't know why. Maybe…maybe you should stay behind. I'm sure we can manage…" Wyatt looked so worried Lucy didn't have the heart to get offended. He wasn't patronizing, at least not intentionally, and she saw real fear in his eyes. It alarmed her. Wyatt never got afraid unless there was a reason. He always kept a level head.  
“Why?” She whispered back.  
“I don’t know. I just…I’ve learned to trust that weird feeling. I got it in Syria.” Wyatt hesitated and then blurted out, “I know you’re thinking I’m crazy. But there is something wrong with this.”  
Lucy nodded and placed her hand soothingly on his arm. It scared her that Wyatt was starting to lose it. She didn't know what she would do if he stopped being that consistent rock she had come to depend on. Even though his actions had hurt her she had trusted him to help protect her and the team (Well, at least as long as Jessica wasn't around). The pain he was under made her heartache. She had never been good with seeing him in pain. It made her own heart feel like it was ripping out of her chest.  
Lucy couldn’t help smiling as they came upon Bletchley Park. The gorgeous mansion looked innocent enough but Lucy knew the secrets contained within. The place was top secret. Rittenhouse getting in wouldn’t be easy. Rittenhouse had few connections outside of America, which made her somewhat surprised that Emma had even attempted the trip. They split up with her and Mason trying to find Turing while Wyatt and Jiya went to find the sleeper agent.   
“What are you doing here, ma’am?” A man that was clearly some sort of security jostled Lucy’s arm.  
“I have important information for Mr. Turing. I absolutely must see him.” She said.   
The man laughed. “I’ve heard that one before, Miss. This is wartime. Not a damn tea party.”  
Mason interjected with some long scientific explanation Lucy was unable to follow. But the man only shrugged, “We’ll take you to the station. Then we’ll worry about it.”  
They had just rounded the corner when Emma and Jessica appeared. Emma fired and killed the officer in seconds. Emma grabbed Mason who had attempted to grab his gun too late. Lucy doubted he'd be able to fire anyway. Lucy drew her own gun and pointed it at Jessica. Jessica was the weak link. Lucy suspected she wasn't as adept at using it as Emma and Emma weren't attached enough to her second in command to risk her life.   
“So it’s come to this? Two strong women against each other.” Jessica took a step closer. “It’s a shame. I was prepared to like you. But you kept rejecting us. And also you stole my husband from me.”  
“You stole yourself. You ran away. You kidnapped Jiya. You were to blame.” Lucy wanted to wipe that smirk from Jessica’s face. If not for her Rufus wouldn’t be dead.   
“Yeah, well why did he divorce me? He divorced me before I told him I lost the baby. That’s your doing. I wouldn’t have stolen her if not for him ordering me to leave. So he could fuck you in peace.” Jessica’s voice rose hysterically. “But you won’t kill me. Because you know he’ll never forgive you. Because he doesn’t love either of us. And he isn’t worth it. Not worth all the pain I’ve gone through.”   
“Cut the bullshit, Jessica and shoot her.” Emma’s voice cut through Jessica’s monologue.   
Lucy turned her gun to Emma. Emma had knocked Mason out and was holding her own gun pointed at Lucy. Lucy looked at both of them. Her chances of hitting Jessica were higher than Emma. But Jessica had played her cards well. Lucy couldn't shoot Jessica. Not while considering just what they would do to Wyatt. He hadn't shot her mother. The least she could do was spare his ex-wife. She turned her weapon on Jessica anyway. Emma had ducked behind a building, keeping herself well out of range.   
"Shoot," Emma ordered. Jessica hesitated but steeled herself. Lucy waited for the pain to hit. She couldn't believe she was going to take a bullet and let Jessica live. But she'd be dead anyway and Jessica dying again would kill Wyatt. She couldn't be that cruel.  
She waited for the impact. The pain that would come. But a sudden movement in front of her blocked everything. A figure pushed her down. She heard a shout. A scream of pain. She couldn’t see anything but a deluge of blood flooded over her face. She choked and screamed. She lost her gun in the tumult but she tried to extricate herself from the person lying on top of her. Lucy gave an inhuman scream as she recognized who was lying there. It was Wyatt. He had taken a bullet for her.  
She glanced up. No time to worry about him. She wouldn’t be of any use to him if Jessica shot her. She couldn’t save him unless she got rid of the threat. Emma had disappeared. Jessica was lying there. She had been shot. But Lucy hadn’t shot her. It must have been Wyatt. Lucy crept closer. Jessica brandished her weapon. She wasn’t dead. But she was injured and badly enough that she couldn’t run. Lucy crept closer. Jessica raised her weapon.  
“I know I’m dead. Emma left me behind. But you, I can still do this.” Jessica raised herself up, “I can get you. And then we’ll all be dead. It’s your fault. I killed him because he took a bullet for you.”  
Jessica started crying, “I can get you. I can end this.”   
Lucy hesitated. She raised her own weapon, “Shoot me.” Jessica shouted. “Live with it.”  
Lucy's hands shook. Then another shot rang out. Jessica fell back. She started as she saw Jiya calmly holding the gun. Jiya raced towards Lucy who was already leaning over Wyatt. She had to get rid of Jessica first but now her sole aim was trying to see if he was still alive.  
He was still alive. A pulse could be felt faintly and she almost sobbed in relief. She pressed a kiss to his forehead as she ripped open his shirt to examine the wound. It was near the center on the side. She had no clue if the bullet had harmed any internal organs but she knew she couldn't remove the bullet as Rufus had. This bullet was logged too deeply and near too many vital organs. She ripped her skirt and pressed a wad of fabric to his wound. It reminded her of Rufus and she felt a wave of panic rise in her. She wasn’t good with this. She wasn’t a nurse or a doctor.   
Jiya came up beside her and pushed her aside to examine the wound. Her face was streaked with tears but Jiya was amazingly calm. “It’s bad but he’ll pull through, I think. I’ll get Mason up and we’ll carry him to the Lifeboat.”  
Lucy couldn’t stop sobbing. She felt his blood flow through her fingers as she knelt there on the hard pavement. She placed his head on her lap and began whispering incoherently, “Wyatt, Wyatt…wake up. Please just wake up. I can’t lose you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”   
It was her fault. He had been protecting her. Like he always had. He had taken a bullet for her and shot his wife in the process. She didn’t know what she would do if she lost him. The sudden pain ripping through her chest at the thought made it feel like she had been shot herself. The blood on her hands had streaked onto her face and mixed with her tears creating a hideous picture. She pressed another kiss to his forehead and choked out, “Please, Please wake up. I’m so sorry. I…”  
“Lucy…” Lucy started and looked into his eyes, which were now open. His face was horribly pale but his eyes looked the same. She smiled in joy. He was awake.   
“We’re going to get you on the Lifeboat and take you home. The doctor will fix you up right away.” She said encouragingly. She started to look around for Jiya. Jiya had managed to get Mason up and they were making their way towards her.  
“Lucy…no. You…can’t. Just….leave me…here. No way to get me to the Lifeboat…” Wyatt’s voice was faint and she could hear the sharp intakes of breath as he winced in pain. “No! We’re not leaving you behind.”  
“Luc…look at me. I’m dying. There’s no other way. Just let me be. Please.” He fumbled for her hand.  
“I’m not letting you die for me. You’re not dying. I forbid it.” Lucy couldn’t stop the tears from flowing but she brushed them aside impatiently. She pressed the cloth harder to his wound. He tried to stop her. She pinned his hands down. “I won’t let you do this. You don’t get to play the hero and sacrifice yourself because you’re guilty. I’m not losing someone else I love.”  
“I don’t regret it. Luc… I love you. I want you to be happy. Please promise me…” Lucy could feel his voice fading. She looked up at Jiya. Jiya had a needle in his arm. She started in shock. What was Jiya doing?  
“It’s to keep him quiet. It’s easier to transport him to the Lifeboat. I can’t take that BS anymore.” Jiya’s voice shook as she began tearing strips of her own skirt and tie a tight bandage. “I’m not going to let him die like Rufus.”  
Lucy buried her face against his chest and felt faintly for a pulse. It was there. He wasn’t dead. Jiya’s shot had just put him to sleep. Vaguely she was aware that she had to move. That she had to fight. For him. She had to get him to the Lifeboat. But her brain was stuck in another endless cycle of grief. She couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t…  
“Come on, Lucy. We need to move.” Jiya’s voice cut into her thoughts. “I know this is hard. But take a deep breath. He needs you. You can’t break down like this.”  
Lucy forced a little air into her lungs as Jiya placed a hand on her shoulder. Then she nodded. Mason had been standing a little to the side the whole time. He stepped forward a little unsteadily. He probably wasn’t doing so hot himself. He helped them pick Wyatt up and produced a couple of sheets he had stolen to use as a makeshift stretcher.   
“We’ll save him, Lucy.” He said softly. “This isn’t the same as…”  
As Rufus. No, it wasn’t. She glanced back at the body of Jessica Logan. She ought to feel some sadness or guilt over her end. But she couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t feel anything. Pain sliced through her.   
The trip to the Lifeboat seemed to take forever. It wasn't forever but to Lucy, it felt as if it took longer than any other trip of her life. Wyatt's face looked so pale and to her untrained eyes, his breathing was too shallow. Carefully Jiya and Mason put him in his seat and Lucy strapped him in. The seatbelt was stained with his blood. She shivered and whispered, "I'm sorry."  
They all strapped themselves in and then Jiya whisked them back to 2018. The second the hatch opened Lucy was shouting, “We need a doctor. Wyatt’s been shot.”  
Denise and Flynn were standing at the open hatch as Lucy and Jiya carefully unstrapped Wyatt. “Oh my god. What happened?” Denise looked almost as shaken as Lucy felt as she climbed in herself and began to check his pulse. Mason was already climbing out and making the call.   
"Jessica," Jiya answered. "She tried to shoot Lucy. Wyatt took the bullet for her. He shot Jessica but not badly. She started going for Lucy again. I shot her. She's dead."  
"Oh…" Denise reached out and began helping them to lift him out of the Lifeboat and onto the waiting gurney. Obviously, Flynn and Mason had set it up. Lucy had never been so grateful for the team as this moment. They were all working together. Putting aside their differences to save a life. A life that was so precious to her. To all of them. But especially for her. Denise reached out for a moment and patted Wyatt's hand. "A doctor is coming. Just hang on."   
Wyatt was still knocked out. There was no way he could hear her. But it made Lucy's heartache because she knew that Wyatt and the rest of the team had become family to Denise. They were all her children. Lucy reached out and took his other hand. The tears ran down her cheeks as she thought about what happened.  
The doctor arrived and Wyatt was wheeled back into the makeshift infirmary they had set up. Everyone who wasn’t part of the medical team was kicked out. Denise tried to get Lucy to change out of her bloody clothes but she refused. She wasn’t sure why. Was it some kind of macabre way of clinging to Wyatt? Jiya came back with a cup of tea that Lucy couldn’t drink and just held her as she cried. Jiya was crying too as she was probably remembering Rufus.   
"Well, everything goes to hell when I don't go on those missions," Flynn said as he sat down on her other side. Lucy glared at him through her tears. Though he was right that he would have been far more useful to them than Mason the remark seemed insensitive. Instantly he muttered an apology and Lucy softened. She was too wounded to carry her anger forward.  
“I know you hate him but I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t done what he did. And I don’t know how to live with myself if something happens to him.” Lucy grasped the teacup for warmth and swallowed hard. The contents of her stomach were making a determined effort to come right back up. It didn’t make her feel better to throw up in the bathroom while Jiya held her hair and Flynn gave her a wet cloth to clean her face. Lucy didn’t even know what she felt except blind panic. There was no time to feel anything else. She finally let Jiya help her out of her clothes and wash the blood from her body. She barely registered anything.   
By evening it became clear that Wyatt would need more medical care than their makeshift hospital could provide. The doctors had managed to stabilize him but it had been touch and go. Getting him to a hospital was dangerous. Rittenhouse was everywhere. But it was either that or have him die in the Bunker.   
"I'm going with," Lucy said firmly. There was absolutely nothing that would stop her from going with.  
“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Lucy? I promise you that I’ll be there and won’t let anything happen to him.” Denise began.  
“I’m going with. I’m always in danger. It doesn’t matter.” Lucy gathered together the hastily packed suitcase and stood up.   
“They have to finish running the tests and prepare for the Medevac to carry him to the base hospital.” Lucy noticed Denise didn’t look at her as she spoke. Lucy hadn’t been able to talk to the doctors. What if Wyatt’s condition was worse than what Denise had indicated?   
Five, ten, fifteen minutes passed. Still no word. Lucy paced back and forth in the confined space of her room with Jiya standing there uncertainly. The new bunker had become a hellish place. Just as bad as the old one. Lucy kept waiting. Another fifteen minutes passed. Something was gnawing at her and she made a move towards the infirmary. Lucy was surprised to find that there was no one in the hall. No doctors or nurses or tech people with equipment. No guards. No Denise. Had Wyatt died? Was that why they were all gone?  
She broke into a run as the horrible thought filtered through her mind. She looked into the room. It was empty except for a nurse removing sheets from the bed. Lucy’s heart gave a horrible lurch. So that was it. Wyatt was dead and nobody had seen fit to tell her the truth. She just stood there staring at the empty bed. She pressed her hands to her face as the full magnitude of everything that had happened filtered over her.   
“Oh god.” She whispered to herself. She remembered his words as he told her to leave him behind. The resignation in his face. The way he had just accepted his fate. The way he had talked as if it was some sort of honor in dying for her. Lucy turned blindly around. Jiya came up to her and held her close. Then Jiya started questioning the nurse, “What happened to him?”  
“He was taken to the hospital.” The man gave a sympathetic smile.  
"I was supposed to go with," Lucy said. So Wyatt wasn't dead. The relief flowing through her veins made her lightheaded.  
“I didn’t know about that. I know Agent Christopher was ready to accompany him.” The nurse reached out and touched her arm. “He’s in good hands. The hospital will be much better at treating him than we can here.”  
Lucy nodded before fleeing the room. The sense of betrayal rankled in her. She was so angry with Denise. She had trusted Denise and then Denise had gone and hid her plans from her. Lucy knew why Denise had done it. Denise wanted to protect her. But Lucy was tired of people trying to protect her. She wanted to face the risk. She wanted to do it. She wanted, no needed, to be with Wyatt as he woke up. Encourage him. Convince him to fight. She was tired of people making decisions for her. Telling her just what they thought she wanted to hear. The only person who hadn't done that had been Jiya. Once upon a time, it had been Wyatt and Amy. They had always encouraged her to forge her own path. To be herself.   
He’d be alone. Lucy had a vague feeling that wasn’t all right. He needed her. He needed her just as desperately as he had in the Alamo when only she could convince him to save himself. He needed her. Lucy knew Denise would do her best but it wouldn’t be the same. He was stuck in his idiotic self-sacrificing mode and he was so bent on atonement for all his mistakes he wasn’t willing to accept forgiveness. Then again she hadn’t offered it, had she? She had implied forgiveness but she had never once told him straight out that she did forgive him.   
Lucy didn’t even know the hospital he had been taken to or what name he was registered as. She was completely helpless. The lack of control was horrible. On missions, she always had some control. And now she had none. She pressed her lips together as she struggled to fight back the panic that threatened to break her down. But she couldn't do it. Memories of all the losses she had suffered in the last three years made her race towards the door. It was late at night and the breeze was chilly but she ignored it. She needed to be outside. The bunker was far too dark and dismal.   
She stepped onto the pier and sat down in the exact spot that she had sat with Wyatt just days before. She remembered their mutual grief over Rufus and the feeling of safety and comfort she had experienced in his presence. Why had she pushed him away so long? Why? Had she been just that afraid? Had she been truly unsure? Her mind seemed to be telling her, “See this is why you don’t fall in love. You end up just like this. You’ve lost everyone you love. If you love someone they’ll die or leave you.”  
Lucy blinked harshly and sat there for a long time. She became aware someone else was standing off to the side. She glanced up and saw Flynn watching her. His normally expressionless face was full of …pity? Sadness? She couldn’t be sure. She had felt awkwardness between them for months. Ever since she had embarrassingly gotten drunk in his room she had felt a barrier between them. It bothered her but she hadn’t had the knowledge of what was wrong to be able to attempt any fixes. So she preferred to pretend nothing had happened.  
“He’s a fighter. I couldn’t kill him. Emma couldn’t kill him. He’ll pull through.” Flynn’s voice was surprisingly calm for someone who wasn’t exactly known for being upbeat or positive.   
Lucy shook her head. She knew Wyatt Logan far better than Flynn did. She knew his weaknesses far better than Flynn. She knew he hadn’t gotten over his mistakes over Jessica. She knew he wasn’t the same person he had been when she first met him. He was still the reckless hothead but it was now directed at himself. He was a broken, lost man who had nothing left to fight for. Ironically, not so unlike Flynn had been presumably in that bar in Sao Paulo. “No,” Lucy began. She brushed more tears away impatiently and went on. “He’s not. He’s beaten down. He wanted us to leave him behind. Just kept saying this stupid bullshit about not being able to make it and all that. That’s why I need to be there. To…”  
“Lucy…I don’t agree with what Denise did. I think you should have been there. You’re strong enough to handle things on your own. I know you didn’t shoot Jessica because you weren’t willing to hurt Wyatt. You’re fully capable of taking that shot. But…” he paused and sat down beside her on the pier. Lucy flinched a little remembering a few nights ago. But it wasn’t as if the pier was her personal property.  
“But what?” Lucy prodded.  
“But…you can’t give him a reason to live. That’s too much to expect of another person. I know that. I didn’t a few years ago. And I just got angry when they didn’t do what I expected them to. You can help him find a reason but you can’t be the reason.”   
They were surprisingly wise words but then again Flynn always had been smart. She knew he was right. Back before Jessica, she had given Wyatt a reason to care. But it hadn't been lasting because the problems Wyatt had long before she had even known him hadn't been fixed. Her problems hadn't been fixed either. Their breakup had been more than Jessica.  
“What will I do if he…he doesn’t make it?” Lucy was finally voicing her deepest fears.   
“Well, good thing we have a time machine. And Mason was working on the ability to travel on one’s own timeline. So you can fix it.” Flynn paused and went on, “I know you won’t rest until that happens.”  
Lucy nodded. It was all so uncertain. She had just lost Rufus. She didn’t know if she could handle losing Wyatt. There was a different kind of pain that centered when she thought of him. She couldn’t explain the difference. But the difference was there and it scared her. This could be the last straw. The last thing that flipped her over the edge.  
“I wish I had killed that woman before…I wish I could have gotten Emma. I wish…” Lucy’s voice trailed off in tears.   
“You don’t wish it. Not really.” Flynn said. “I know you don’t.”  
No, he was right. She didn’t wish it. She wished she didn’t feel this way. She wished there wasn’t that dark and well-controlled part of her that craved an end to all of it regardless of the cost. She wished that part would just go. She felt her eyes fill with tears again. It was 1918 all over again. She just wished Wyatt and Rufus would walk right back into that supply tent and hug her and they’d all be together. Wouldn’t it be lovely? An impossible dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I did a little research on Turing and the experiments he did. I am not a computer or science person so I hope there aren’t any inaccuracies. I did my best but his presence isn’t as important as the rest of the plot.  
> The Jessica/Lucy showdown is one I’ve been looking forward to. Lucy fully holds her own against Jessica but just like Wyatt will not take the shot. I don’t want her to be the one to take out Jessica. Lucy found out some important facts like the fact that Wyatt actually ended up divorcing Jessica. (I love you son but everyone including Flynn is telling you to advertise this fact and you don’t because you are a ridiculous idiot.) Having Jiya be the one to kill Jessica seemed good because Jessica hurt her so much and Jiya won’t face the same guilt as Lucy or Wyatt. Lucy knew she had to make sure Jessica couldn’t hurt her or Wyatt with her weapon. Jiya acted quickly and decisively because she knew Jessica was very close to killing Lucy.   
> Ok, finally the sad and angsty Lyatt scene that really inspired this whole fic. It might seem OOC of Wyatt to give up but we saw that in the Alamo episode and he hadn’t even been shot. When you get shot that badly you’re naturally convinced you’re dying. And to be honest it really was touch and go. I'm well aware that Jiya's method is probably not a very good one but she isn't a doctor and she was desperate. She needed Wyatt to stop fighting so they could get him moved. In reality, putting someone to sleep could be bad since the bullet might move and you wouldn't know it.  
> I feel like this chapter is the mirror image of 2.01 when Wyatt went crazy for six weeks worrying about Lucy. Lucy is a complete mess without him and breaking down all over. Denise was definitely wrong to trick her but she was trying to protect Lucy.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy (as much as you can) this crazy angsty chapter. We only have about 10 chapters left so things will be moving much faster now.


	19. Chapter 19 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In my cold little planet, I’m thinking of you. Warming my poor body beside yours, penetrating your blood in search of the sun. Thousands and thousands of times I hold you against my sick chest, I lose myself in your hair, in your eyes, and in your hips and in your stomach. My life stops and I have the entire universe in my head. My desire would endlessly fill the pages. One must shut up to hurt less.   
> Ahmed Bouanani  
> TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts.

Wyatt rounded the corner just in time to hear the last of Jessica’s speech. He had managed to find the sleeper agent but had been surprised at the ease to which she had been removed. Something about the whole setup bothered him. It felt like a trap. He saw Lucy standing there with the gun in her hand. Shoot her, he pleaded in his mind. But Lucy wouldn't do it. Of course, she wouldn't. Just like he couldn't shoot Carol Preston. Jessica hesitated. Then she made a movement. He knew it well. It was the movement someone made before firing a weapon. Lucy was braced for impact. He glanced at her and made the move. It wasn’t even a thought. No hesitation came up as he covered the few feet to push her aside. He fired his own gun at Jessica. He knew instantly that his shot went wild but it had struck her. The pain hit a second later. She had gotten him.   
He had been shot before. It always sucked and was always horribly painful but this time it felt different. It wasn't a flesh wound and it was way too close to vital organs. He was vaguely aware of Lucy's sobs and the sounds of her running. Another gunshot. Who died? Then he could feel Lucy come back. She kissed his forehead and sobbed and apologized as if this whole thing was her fault. It felt remote and distant as if he was observing all of it from far away.   
He opened his eyes. Lucy gave a startled smile. Her face was streaked with blood but she had never looked more beautiful. He wanted to stare at her forever. Well, at least as long as he had left. Maybe she’d let him. She talked about getting him to the Lifeboat. It wasn’t going to work. He didn’t think he could make it that far. And he didn’t want to. This, this was so much better. He had saved her. Perhaps she could forgive him now. Maybe not think of him as that horrible asshole that had broken her heart. She was alive. She could be happy now. The pain made his focus flicker in and out like a candle burning low. Her panic saddened him. Why couldn’t she just let go? Why couldn’t she just accept this was better? He should have taken that bullet for Rufus. And now he had a chance to do that. It vaguely registered that it wasn’t the same thing.   
“I’m not letting you die for me. You’re not dying. I forbid it.” Lucy’s face was streaked with more tears as she began to readjust the bandage. He tried to stop her. She needed to let go. She pinned his hands down. “I won’t let you do this. You don’t get to play the hero and sacrifice yourself because you’re guilty. I’m not losing someone else I love.”  
Love? She loved him. Maybe she did. A flicker of doubt entered his mind. Maybe he should be fighting harder? But why? This was so much easier. And he felt as if it didn't matter. This was just one of those things. Those meant to be things. "I don't regret it. Luce… I love you. I want you to be happy. Please promise me…" He felt a sharp pinch in his arms and then…nothing.  
When Wyatt came to he was somewhere. He was fairly certain this wasn’t heaven. It was far too much like a hospital. It probably wasn't hell either. Hell was supposed to be a lot of fire. So he had to be still alive. The thought felt weird to him. Somehow he had survived a trip through time and whatever else. He forced his eyes open. He was lying in a hospital bed in a room he vaguely recognized as the bunker infirmary. He had been in there a few times for routine checkups and to have wounds bandaged but it looked different. Doctors and nurses in scrubs and masks were monitoring the machine that beeped persistently and talking in low tones. Wyatt had no clue what they were saying. Whatever it was wasn’t particularly pleasant. He was good at reading people when they were trying to hide bad news. Their glance was clear. He wasn’t doing so hot.  
“Good. You’re awake.” The doctor turned on him and smiled. It was probably an attempt at reassurance but it did nothing to assuage his fears. He was afraid. Of hospitals and surgeries and who knows what else like that. He’d never been very good at being sick. That’s why he normally avoided hospitals and pretended not to be sick.   
“We’re moving you to the hospital. You’ll need another surgery to remove the bullet and you’re fighting an infection.” The doctor spoke briskly clearly intending it to be reassuring. Wyatt knew better. It was the kind of thing you said to disguise the fact that things didn’t look good. The fact that they couldn’t remove the bullet right away indicated it was lodged in a difficult place. And infections weren’t exactly a great thing either on top of everything else.   
He felt no pain, most likely because he just woke up from surgery. His mind still wasn’t reacting on all cylinders. Wyatt closed his eyes. He wished those damn doctors would just leave him alone. He was dying anyway. Why didn’t they just let him go in peace? They knew it. He knew it.   
The next time he came to he was in another hospital room. The walls were bare and white and the curtain pulled around the bed was a horrible blue flowered print that looked as if it had traveled in time from the 1970's. The monitor by the bed made beeping sounds as he blinked. He could hear voices outside the door. It sounded like Denise. She was yelling at someone. He couldn't catch the words but he almost felt sorry for whoever she was talking to.   
"You're awake," Denise spoke as she came into the room. She looked horrible. He hadn't ever seen her dressed so casually. Her grey sweats looked ratty and old and her hair probably hadn't been brushed in days. But her face looked positively beaming with happiness and somehow that happiness rubbed off on him. His lips curved up into a reluctant smile. The movement felt odd and stiff as if it had been months since he had made that gesture.  
“May wish I hadn’t.,” he croaked out He definitely hadn’t been talking for a while. His throat felt sore as if he had been sick with the flu. Denise filled a paper cup with ice chips and passed it to him. He frowned. Water would be way better.  
"The doctors won't let you have anything to eat or drink for a while yet. You just got out of surgery. I guess they're afraid it'll all come back up."  
He didn’t bother trying to speak. It would hurt too much and it wasn’t like there was anything to say. He had no clue what was going on which was one of the most disconcerting feelings for someone who lived his life in control.   
“It’s been touch and go for the last few days. You barely made it. They couldn’t get the bullet out in the first surgery so they went back in once you got here. Then they had to remove your spleen. You started bleeding internally, which required another surgery and removing more tissue. Finally, you had that infection which you are still fighting. " Denise leaned forward and took his hand. His mom had died young. She had killed herself and for the first time in thirty years, he felt as if he had her back. "I was so worried. I… I sometimes feel like you're another son to me. I don't know how that happened. God knows you try my patience sometimes."   
“Sorry.” He fought the pain in his abdomen that was just beginning to make it felt and the rough feeling in his throat.   
Denise chuckled, “That’s ok. I’m just glad you’re still here. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to tell Lucy you hadn’t made it.”  
Lucy. Wyatt had vague memories of Lucy that he felt certain had been dreams. Vivid dreams more than likely created by all the pain medicine he was on. He had dreamed she was sitting in that chain and holding his hands. He had dreamed that she was crying and telling him she loved him. Of course, it had all been dreams. There had been other dreams about her. He had dreamed she was blaming him and screaming at him to just die. Those were the ones he wished to forget.  
“Where…where…” he began. Denise motioned him to stop talking.  
"She's home. I didn't let her come. She was bound and determined to come but I sneaked you out without telling her. I was too afraid something would happen to her. She's rip-roaring mad at me right now. I think she called me every single curse in French and English." Denise smiled and sighed, "I couldn't let her come and fall into Rittenhouse's hands. I can't threaten to court marshal her though. I swear if she doesn't hear from you soon she'll start going to every single hospital in America looking for you."  
Wyatt felt relief wash over him. Lucy was safe. As much as he wanted her here it was much better that she was safe. Denise had done exactly as he would have wanted her to do. Lucy's reaction reminded him of when she had been in Rittenhouse's hands and he had been threatened with court marshaling before he forced Denise to let him look for Lucy. A flicker of something like hope stirred its way into his chest. Did she really care about him?  
"She loves you, Wyatt," Denise spoke softly. "I know you're struggling right now. But just keep that in mind. If you can't fight for yourself then fight for her. Because it will break her if you die. She'll spend the rest of her life blaming herself."  
The guilt had twisted itself so much in his head that he had decided that she'd be glad to see him dead. That it'd be a relief to her. That some part of her hated him so much that she'd prefer it that way. At the very least he'd assumed it wouldn't mean that much to her. Now he felt so selfish to have ever thought that. Of course, Lucy would blame herself. And having spent years living with the guilt of knowing he had caused Jessica's death he'd not have wished that on anyone.  
"I'm worried about you Wyatt. About you up here." Denise pointed to his head. "You kept telling the doctors you wanted to die. You kept fighting them to stop saving you. I know you were out of your head with pain and the medicines but you've been depressed for a while, haven't you?"  
He wasn’t depressed. Depression was for normal people. He was just…just someone who wanted to die sometimes. There was a difference, wasn’t there? He shook his head.  
“Ok, you want to die though?” Denise leaned forward.   
He hesitated. It would be easy to lie. But he had a feeling Denise wouldn't accept a lie. She was far too smart. Just like a real mom. He nodded. Denise sighed and shook her own head. "I'm sorry. I should have gotten you help sooner. Frankly, half the bunker needs a therapist."  
Wyatt wouldn’t have seen a therapist even if she offered one. He hated them. Denise read his thoughts and gave a small smile, “You’d have ignored it though. But Wyatt, you need the help. It’s not a weakness. You’ve been through so much in your life.”  
There was no getting around the therapist idea. He could see it in her eyes. He’d probably been kept off the missions until he agreed. Slowly he nodded at her. “If I can talk to Michelle.” He whispered. He wasn’t sure if there was some sort of confidentiality thing considering they technically lived in the same house. But he trusted Michelle. She didn’t seem like a bull shitter. She was kind but not afraid to tell the truth.   
“Yes, of course.” Denise smiled again. “She’s the best therapist I know but I’m biased since she’s my wife.”  
Denise hesitated on the word wife. She frowned again and leaned back in the chair. She was hiding something. “What?”  
“Wyatt, Jessica is dead.” Denise glanced around warily.  
He wasn’t surprised. His last memory of Jessica had been seeing her go down. He had fired at her but known he hadn’t had time to aim properly because he’d been so focused on protecting Lucy. He had known that he had only grazed her. “Lucy?” he questioned.   
“No, Jiya. She went after Lucy again who wouldn’t shoot her.” Denise said. Wyatt couldn’t help the sigh of relief. Losing Jessica again didn’t hurt in the way he had expected. She was dead to him. She had never really come back at all. This Jessica wasn’t the same. At least he hadn’t caused her death. And Lucy didn’t have it on her conscience either. Jiya was different. She didn’t have a similar personal connection to either Lucy or him. Her shooting Jessica had been to save her teammate. The Jessica who’d died six years ago would always be mourned. The Jessica who had just died was a horrible, twisted imitation of her.   
He spent another week and a half in the hospital. The infection still lingered on and he was given high-level antibiotics to kick it out. The antibiotics made him sick but there was no choice. He got another infection from the antibiotics which required still more antibiotics to knock that one out. There was physical therapy in between which was annoying because he'd once thought it was easy. How hard was walking across the room? Apparently very hard when you have had abdominal surgery and a huge infection. It was frustrating feeling so sick and not able to do the things he had always counted on.   
Denise was a saint. He had to be the world's worst patient. But she always ignored the curses and the fact that he completely ignored the doctors and nurses. She let him use her phone to call Lucy who kept screaming at him to actually do something the doctors said for once in his damn life. Clearly, Denise was ratting him out to Lucy knowing that he'd do what Lucy said. Damn her.  
“You’re not taking your meds. You’re not doing your physical therapy. Do you even want to get better?” Lucy’s voice screeched over the line. He couldn’t help grinning. She was still the bossy know it all.   
“I’ll do it. For you.” He said.   
He could almost hear the massive eye roll. Lucy Preston was good at significant pauses. “You need to do it for you.”  
“Yeah, ok.” Wyatt sighed. “I’ll do it so they finally release me from this hell hole. I’m sorry I complained about the bunker. Hospitals are worse. I’ve been here more than two weeks and it’s horrible.”  
He could almost see her smile. “I’m so excited. I’ve missed you.”  
It was almost pathetic how happy that made him feel. He couldn’t help a smile from creeping to his lips. “I’ve missed you too.”  
Denise had been giving him gifts based on the team's instructions. Jiya had sent him flowers. He smiled at the bright yellow sunflowers she had picked. It was a Jiya-like gift. Normally he'd laugh at flowers but Jiya's gift somehow was a sign that she had forgiven him for his role in Rufus's death. Mason sent him a gift card to Amazon he couldn't use since he hadn't brought his phone with him. Flynn sent a book on ancient medieval art, which had to be a joke since Flynn damn well knew he had zero interest in medieval art. Lucy would probably end up reading it. Wyatt didn’t think about how Rufus wasn’t there to send him Star Wars memorabilia and make jokes about his illness. It hurt too much.  
“I got your gift. It’s waiting at the bunker. I think you’re gonna love it.” Lucy’s voice had stopped sounding sad and now took on a gleeful cast. He wondered what she had gotten him. Knowing Lucy she was sure to get something special. It would be special regardless of what she got.   
“I’m sure I will.” He replied. “Mainly I need to get out of here.”  
"I'm sure they'll be glad to see you go," Lucy said with a laugh.  
“Are you calling me difficult?” Wyatt asked. He could fairly see her face crinkle up into a grin and her eyes twinkle.   
“Wyatt, you have driven every person on your medical team crazy. Poor Denise. She deserves a vacation.”  
The next day he signed the release papers and walked out of the hospital. He was outfitted with ridiculous dark glasses and a cap pulled low on his head. Was this the way they were hiding from Rittenhouse? Or was this Denise's idea of a good joke? She only shrugged when he confronted her in the car. "Wyatt, we have people watching. I just thought it would offer an additional layer of protection."  
Apparently getting shot and having a bunch of surgery and then a massive infection hurt. He gritted his teeth and refused the pain meds. They had made him see things and he didn’t like it. Better to be in pain than out of his head. The drive back to the bunker seemed to take forever. It really wasn’t that long but he hated to admit how weak he’d gotten.   
The second they pulled into the driveway Olivia and Michelle threw themselves at Denise. He couldn’t help smiling. That was a true family. Always would be. His eyes fell on the rest of the group. That was family too. Sometimes family was a bunch of time travelers trapped in a bunker. Lucy came forward first. She half stumbled forward; she'd always be a little clumsy. She flung her arms around his neck for a moment. Lucy was giving him a true Lucy Preston hug and there was almost nothing better. It felt like coming home. She was careful to avoid touching his wounds but even if she had it’d have been worth it.   
“I’m so…I don’t know what to say.” Lucy babbled blinking back tears. She grinned happily and stepped aside.   
He noticed Jiya standing over to the side. Normally Jiya was the person most likely to come over and say hi. He was puzzled for a moment until he remembered. Jessica. Of course. It hurt to know she was dead. But it hurt because the Jessica he knew was still dead. Would always be dead. This Jessica had destroyed his memories of his Jessica. Lucy motioned Jiya over with a little wave.   
"I'm sorry," Jiya whispered under her breath. "I wish I could have done something else. But it was her or…"  
"You did the right thing," Wyatt told her. Jiya nodded but her face looked distraught. She gave him a funny side hug and then moved on to Denise. It was in times like these that Wyatt was reminded of exactly how much Jiya had lost.  
"I told you I should have come along." Flynn's voice was almost pleasant as he greeted him. Wyatt had to admit Flynn was right. Flynn wouldn't have let Lucy get attacked by Emma and Jessica. Despite their antagonistic relationship, they worked well together on missions.  
"I object to that," Mason said but he was smiling. "Good to see you, mate."  
Wyatt wasn’t sure if Mason was intentionally being absurdly British or if it really meant something. The only person that was missing was Rufus. Rufus, with his corny jokes and determination and brilliance. Who would probably be talking about some nerdy movie and sneaking hamburgers and fries into his hospital room? Wyatt resolved that they'd bring back Rufus if that were the last thing he ever did. That meant paying more attention than ever in piloting lessons. It meant actually making an effort at life and not just drifting back.  
“So did anything change after the mission?” Wyatt questioned.   
"Hugh Alexander was killed by Rittenhouse. Most of his work was picked up by his colleagues including Turing but it's impossible to know exactly how much history changed. Jiya is still working on calculations of how the history or mathematics and cryptanalysis changed. It's not quite my wheelhouse." Lucy explained.  
A stab of guilt struck Wyatt. Alexander would have most likely survived if he hadn’t gotten shot. If he had just…. But Lucy broke into his thoughts. “There is nothing anyone of us could have done. He was killed practically the moment we stepped off the Lifeboat. Emma has streamlined the process.”  
“Emma is certainly effective. Then again I expected nothing less than that.” Flynn’s voice came from directly behind him. “By the way Lucy, congratulations are in order. Your Cahill relation won the election.”   
All of them frowned at the mention of William Cahill. Wyatt tried not to think about the ripple effect of all these Rittenhouse wins. He was distracted anyway by the pain in his abdomen. Denise took out the papers the doctors had sent home with him and began to push a bottle of water and a pill at him. He accepted them mainly because he had a feeling she’d force it down his throat anyway.   
Lucy grinned, “She’s basically adopted you.”   
Wyatt swallowed hard. It was true that Denise and by extension Michelle had become more of his family than his real family with the exception of his grandfather who was now dead. It was terrifying having more people to care about. But it also felt like coming home to have her fussing around telling him what to do.  
Falling back into the bunker routine didn’t take much time at all. Showering was pretty difficult since he wasn’t supposed to get his incision wet. Bending down or stretching hurt but provided he stayed in one place it all felt like the old days. Jiya and Mason were working on mathematical sequences and making repairs on the Lifeboat. Olivia was doing homework or playing outside. Lucy was practicing her piloting lessons, exercising or studying her piles of history books to find changes. He felt a little useless. Outside of the field what was he? A tactician. Someone who studied and planned each move.   
“Here I thought you might like some tea.” Lucy stood near his door with a mug of tea and a smile on her face. He didn’t really like tea at all but he would have drunk arsenic if she made it and looked so genuinely pleased. He had made her so many cups of tea he had memorized how she liked it. Earl Grey with a splash of milk and one sugar cube. Herbal tea in the evening.   
“Thanks.” He accepted the cup feeling the subtle burn of her fingers against his. It was strange that the physical contact between them had slowed nearly to a standstill and so anything made him feel like a schoolboy with an impossible crush.   
“What are you working on?” She asked.  
“I’m just trying to figure out what Emma is doing. There has to be a pattern. And not to historical events. Just her general strategy. Even her ideology. I don’t think we’ve fully grasped exactly what she is planning.” Wyatt glanced down at the messy scrawls of words and arrows that represented several hours of work.   
Lucy sank down on the corner of his bed. She held her own tea and said, “We’ve been working on figuring out trigger points. And so far it’s been pretty helpful. But I still feel like we’re perpetually dragging after them.”  
“When haven’t we?” Wyatt questioned. Lucy gave a small laugh.   
“It’s good having you back.” She commented. Her eyes were soft and gentle as they roamed his face. She looked relaxed and at ease for the first time in a long time.   
“I’m glad to be back, ma’am. I’m sure you missed my happy go lucky personality.” He couldn’t help grinning at her.   
“No, I’m afraid I didn’t. Since you definitely aren’t happy go lucky.” Lucy took another sip of tea and added, “At least not now. None of us are.”  
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small wrapped package and handed it to him. “I hope you like it.” She said shyly.   
“I’m sure I will.” He pulled on the ribbon and then ripped open the paper. The box was surprisingly heavy despite its size. Inside, nestled in a pile of tissue, was a small model car. He instantly recognized it as the same model as the car that he and Lucy had been locked up in and Wendell Scott had driven. He glanced at Lucy who was biting her lip nervously to gauge his reaction. For a second he felt tears prick his eyes. It was ridiculous to cry over something like this. But it was the most thoughtful gift he’d ever received. It meant so much that she had taken the time to look for it. That she had remembered, perhaps even with fondness, that moment despite all his failures and issues.   
“Do you like it?” Her voice broke into his thoughts.   
“Like it? I love it. I can’t believe you found it. It’s the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.” He wanted to hug her. He’d always miss the Lucy Preston hug. The warm comforting feeling of her arms around him and her face pressed against his shoulder as if it belonged there.   
“I’m glad.” She said a little shyly. Her lips turned up in a grin. “I didn’t want to send it by mail.”  
It was getting a little late and she stood up slowly. He could see her reluctance in her eyes and wished desperately he could ask her to stay. Just until those damn pills knocked him out. He hated the period between going to sleep and falling asleep. The way that his thoughts swirled out of control and it took every single ounce of energy to keep them from taking over. The pills only made it worse. Fortunately, he was off the strong stuff. Suddenly she leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I haven't forgotten what you did. How you saved my life. I…" She began. He could see the agitation in her eyes.  
"You know I didn't do it so you'd be grateful." He wondered how many times he had done things for her expecting something in return. The true definition of selfishness. But somehow in recent months, he had learned to love her without expecting anything except that soft smile that meant she approved.  
“I know. I just feel…in your debt.” Lucy confessed. Her face was red and she wouldn’t look at him. In moments like this Lucy was at her most vulnerable.   
“You know you aren’t. That’s what the team is for.” Her hand crept closer and gripped his. Her hands were rougher and more calloused. They were beginning to be the hands of a warrior not an academic.  
“Wyatt, I know what you said that day. I believe you. I just…this sounds horrible but I’m not ready to say anything. I’m too much of a coward. I was planning to say something but I realized it wouldn’t have been authentic. I would have just been responding out of guilt and gratitude.” She didn’t look at him again. Her hands slipped out of his grasp to tangle with each other as she nervously chewed her lip. He was reminded of his own incredibly insensitive and ill-timed confession of love. There was a glimmer of hope that she hadn’t completely dismissed him. Her answer seemed more of fear than outright anger. “I’m not angry anymore. I’m just… just scared. I was hurt. And I’m not someone who takes risks with my feelings. And now it takes everything in me just to survive. I don’t think I can handle rocking the boat.”   
“I know Lucy. I meant what I said. You don’t have to say anything.” He took a risk and ran his hand down her face. Her skin was soft under his fingertips. Memories danced through him. The brilliant smile of those hours post-Hollywoodland. Her grin as they escaped in Wendell Scott’s car.  
“I will say something. Just give me time?” She questioned. The vulnerability in her eyes took his breath away. There was so much fear and sadness in her face. He wished to go back in time. Take away all the things that stole her joy from her.   
“You have all the time in the world, ma’am.” He replied. They both chuckled as they remembered how they controlled time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Sorry for not posting on Wed. I was super busy and had a dentist appointment. I’m looking for a new job right now. I’m so excited because the Timeless movie is being filmed right now and we got an airdate. December 20th at 8pm. And all those behind the scene photos have given me life.   
> I feel like Wyatt would be a terrible sick person. I have no reason to think he doesn’t like hospitals but I decided he did for the sake of the fic. He knows a lot about gunshot wounds and knows he’s in danger.   
> Denise and Wyatt have such a nice mother/son relationship. I’m still mad at her for lying to Lucy but I know she’s trying to take care of him. She’s also stating the obvious (Lucy loves him) but we’ll see if he actually believes it. I love how Lucy gets on his tail and makes him behave himself. It’s such a wife thing to do.   
> Obviously, this particular mission changed history. Hugh Alexander was one of Turing's associates and very important to the project. His death would have a major ripple effect. Also, Rittenhouse is gaining ground politically.  
> I love the last scene with Lyatt. I thought Lucy getting him a model car would be so sweet and in character. I love how soft they are. Lucy just has her walls up now. I think she's convinced if she admits she loves him then he'll die or get hurt. Basically, everyone she's ever loved has died (Her father, her mother, Amy, Rufus, her career) and she all but lost Wyatt. She's trying to protect herself from getting hurt again. She's not mad but she's terrified. Getting over that fear will take a lot of baby steps. She's gonna get there, though.


	20. Chapter 20 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m kissing you and I’m next to you, in silence, hearing your heartbeat.  
> Gabriela Mistral

The next morning Denise called her and Lucy picked it up feeling her stomach drop right out of her at the idea of what she was calling about. “What happened?” she asked. Even her anger at Denise would have to wait until she knew more about Wyatt’s condition.  
"He's going into surgery right now. The bullet is in his spleen but there was a lot of blood loss and now he has a huge infection." Denise didn't bother trying to hide her own anxiety. Lucy's stomach churned with the implications of both Denise's words and her clear anxiety. In addition, there was no mention of him pulling through. No quick cures.  
"Why did you lie to me?" The words tumbled out like they had been kept back with willpower alone. The betrayal. The anxiety over perhaps not being able to say goodbye. The feeling that Wyatt would die if she wasn’t there to protect him.  
“I knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer. And I know you’re in way too much danger. Emma is after you.”  
“Why doesn’t someone let me make my own decisions? It’s my life. If I want to take risks so what?” Lucy gripped her cell phone tighter and tried to calm her racing heart.   
“Because in this case there is nothing you can do. Wyatt’s not even conscious. He’s out of his head with the pain meds and PTSD anyway. He tried to attack a nurse convinced she was Rittenhouse. He keeps thinking you hate him. And…” Denise hesitated.  
“He wants to die.” Lucy finished. She felt the tears start to slide down her cheeks. She had known the depth of his pain back in the Alamo but somehow she felt this time it was worse. Lucy tried imaging how he would respond when he realized Jessica was dead once again. As much as she hated the woman the absolute adoration and love he had shown her through it all made Lucy convinced it would break his heart. Guilt filled her as she realized that Wyatt had not only taken a bullet for her but lost his wife because of her. Well, ex-wife. Lucy suddenly remembered what Jessica had said. How he had signed the papers right away. Her mind was getting whiplash from all the confusing signals and mixed messages.   
“He’s not in a good place, that’s for sure. And it’s not making the recovery easier.” Denise spoke up stirring Lucy out of her own thoughts.  
“I’ve been so mad the last year. And…” Lucy felt her own sense of guilt only deepen as she remembered how she had barricaded her feelings away and refused to allow herself to reach out again.  
"Lucy, this is not your fault. None of it is. Like it or not he made some very poor choices. And Rittenhouse and Jessica did this. It's not on you. You had a right to be angry." Lucy wasn't sure who was right. All her life she had spent trying not to be angry. Trying to forgive people and show compassion toward them. And suddenly she had found herself at a spot when she had been angry and so hurt her heart felt like it had collapsed in on itself. She had run to safety unable to bear the weight of it.  
The next day Denise called to tell her he was in the recovery room after a long and complicated procedure. By that night he was conscious enough to talk to her on the phone. Lucy clutched her phone tighter and breathed deeply. It was so difficult not being there. “Lucy.” His voice was too loud and he sounded drunk. Her name came out with a funny lilt.   
“Wyatt, how are you feeling?” She asked and then cringed. He probably felt horrible.  
“Been better. Been worse.” He said flippantly. Lucy heard Denise in the background. “He’s high as a kite right now.”  
“What kind of government agent gets high?” Lucy teased her lips curling into a smile just hearing his voice.  
“She’s lying. I’m absolutely fine.” He protested. Lucy rolled her eyes at the phone.   
“I’m coming to take some blood.” Lucy heard an unfamiliar voice she assumed was a nurse.   
“Lucy come save me from the vampire.” Lucy raised her eyebrows and shook her head. Definitely loopy.   
“Vampires don’t exist.” She said.   
“How do we know? I didn’t think time travel was real either.”   
Lucy shook her head again. “I hope you have a good night. I’d like to talk to Denise for a moment.”  
“He’s…” Lucy began.  
“Completely out of it. Yeah, I know. My mom was like this with her hip replacement. The doctor said it was normal. That combined with legitimate fear over Rittenhouse isn’t exactly a recipe for peace and quiet. Lucy, he’ll be ok. Stop worrying.” Denise’s voice calmed her in spite of herself.   
“I know. It’s just…weird.” Lucy confessed. It was terrifying to know he wasn’t in full control of his faculties. Lucy hadn’t realized how much she depended on his steadiness. Even in the middle of the Jessica debacle she had ultimately, in her heart of hearts, depended on him.   
“How is he?” Jiya wrapped a soothing arm around Lucy as she came in through the kitchen.   
"Loopy," Lucy replied. Jiya nodded sympathetically. Lucy felt shame slid over her as she realized how worried she was when he was getting better just as Rufus didn't. She had gone to pieces while Jiya had kept her head through it all. It occurred to her unpleasantly that she was comparing her feelings for Wyatt with Jiya’s for Rufus. She didn't have the emotional fortitude to deal with that. If this incident had proven anything at all it was that Lucy Preston didn't dare love anyone.   
Lucy grew more and more frustrated as Wyatt completely refused to do anything the doctors told him. If only she was there. She felt reasonably confident that she’d have him doing what he was told within an hour. Denise was at her wit’s end. She could hear the frustration in her voice every time Lucy called. Wyatt was like the rebellious teenager who grew more obstinate the more he was pushed. Lucy couldn't entirely blame him. With Rittenhouse on the loose being outside of the bunker was dangerous. Any needle full of supposedly innocuous drugs could be poison. In their line of work, trust was a useless thing.   
“You should listen to your wife.” The nurse said as she tried yet again to explain why he wasn’t being released today. Lucy drew in a breath and felt her cheeks burn. It was impossible to explain their strange relationship.   
“I’m not his wife. I’m a friend who’s trying to help.” Lucy said firmly.   
Lucy found herself scrolling through eBay trying to find something to buy him. She found a small model of Wendell Scott's car he had driven with them in it. She grinned and bought it despite the high price tag. It was worth it. It brought back memories of being trapped in that trunk fighting the crippling claustrophobia and the equally powerful attraction to her companion. She remembered the frustration of being so close and yet so far. And she remembered him saying, “Nothing left but the open road.” For the first time in a long time she actually almost believed it.  
The minute she saw Denise’s car she flew forward despite the half stumble she made. Lucy might have been training but that didn’t mean she wasn’t clumsy still. He stepped out and she studied him for a second. He looked mostly the same. A little thinner maybe and certainly paler from not being in the sun but she comforted herself in seeing the steadiness back in his face. She wrapped her arms around his neck careful to avoid touching his wounds. It felt like forever since she had hugged him. It hadn’t been all that long but after all the sadness and fear it felt so good to be near him. He smelled different. Like whatever horrible soap the hospital used. But she didn’t care.   
Wyatt slipped back into life in the bunker. She could tell he blamed himself for the Hugh Alexander failure but she blamed herself too. Lucy resolved to redouble her training efforts. She wasn’t ever going to be in that position again. She had begun crashing Jiya and Flynn’s training sessions until Wyatt got well enough to resume them. She pushed all her fear and sadness into her movements. She could feel her improvement and rejoiced at the changes.   
She watched his eyes light up as she handed him the gift. It gave her a steady sense of joy to see it. It had been so long since she’d seen any real happiness on his face. It made her realize how much she’d read into Wyatt and Jessica’s relationship. His face had never once looked like this. Jessica hadn’t been the miracle Lucy had proclaimed and she ought to have known it. She ought to have seen the light die out of his eyes. Perhaps if Jessica hadn’t been the horrible Rittenhouse spy that she was it would have been different. But Lucy had spent her time convinced that he no longer cared for her at all and pushing him away to spare her feelings. It had been the right thing to do but it hadn’t been an easy choice.  
It was getting a little late and she stood up slowly. She didn’t want to leave. But if she didn’t she’d probably do something stupid like offer to stay. Crawl in beside him in bed and try to fall asleep like that. It seemed like such a restful idea for one crazy moment. Somehow she felt like the nightmares wouldn’t be quite so bad wrapped up in his arms.  
Suddenly she leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I haven’t forgotten what you did. How you saved my life. I…” She began. He could see the agitation in her eyes.  
"You know I didn't do it so you'd be grateful." She knew that his motives had changed over the course of the months since the bottom had fallen out of their lives. Maybe at first, he'd subconsciously hoped she'd return his feelings but she saw how he treated her now. He was offering her this wholehearted devotion that she wasn’t sure how to deal with. She wanted to return it so badly. But every time she thought about it the panic would set in. If she let herself love him she’d lose him. She was sure of it.   
“I know. I just feel…in your debt.” Lucy confessed.   
“You know you aren’t. That’s what the team is for.” Her hand crept closer and gripped his.   
“Wyatt, I know what you said that day. I believe you. I just…this sounds horrible but I’m not ready to say anything. I’m too much of a coward. I was planning to say something but I realized it wouldn’t have been authentic. I would have just been responding out of guilt and gratitude.” She didn’t look at him again. Her hands slipped out of his grasp to tangle with each other as she nervously chewed her lip. He’d made that mistake when confessing his feelings to her. And she’d not believed him for the longest time because of it.   
"I know Lucy. I meant what I said. You don't have to say anything." He reached out and trailed his fingers down the side of her face. In spite of herself, she leaned into his touch. The slight roughness of his calloused hand sent shivers down her spine. She wanted to touch his face herself. Run her fingers along his jaw and feel the stubble under her palm. She gripped his hand tightly to keep herself from doing just that.   
“I will say something. Just give me time?” She questioned. It was impossible to explain how much of a coward she was.   
“You have all the time in the world, ma'am.” He replied. She let out a tiny chuckle at the concept of time. His eyes twinkled up at her as she sat there a little longer.   
With a sigh, she stood up again and said, "Goodnight Wyatt."  
She went back to her room and laid down exhausted. It felt as if until this moment she hadn’t been able to breathe. Relief, sweet as sugar, flowed through her body. Wyatt was alive. Alive and nearly well. Back where he belonged. And Jessica was gone. She knew it was probably wrong to rejoice in her death but honestly Lucy was tired of being the nice one. Jessica had broken her heart and stamped all over it and she wasn’t sparing her a lot of pity. Wyatt must have known about her death. Yet he acted if it wasn’t a surprise.  
The next morning he was waking her up to start training. Lucy protested about his injury but he only smirked at her and said, “You’re the one doing the work. I’m just going to watch you do your thing.”  
Lucy ran through her routine and sank exhausted on the mat. “You did good, Lucy.”  
She flushed with pride and said uncertainly, “I’m getting there.”  
"No, I'm serious. It won't be long before you can take any one of us down." Wyatt really thought that. She could tell by the look in his eyes. And it gave her a sense of confidence she'd never experienced before. The feeling that for the first time in forever she could stand on her own two feet.  
They made their way to the kitchen and Lucy found herself asking before she could stop it, “You never mentioned signing the divorce papers.”  
“I guess I thought nobody would care.” He confessed. She’d have cared. Maybe it would have been easier to forgive him if she’d known he and Jessica were finished. But she didn’t say that.  
“I know…” Lucy felt her heart racing as she began to speak again. “Jiya only shot her because she was protecting me.”  
“Lucy,” He reached out a hand and cupped her cheek with a gentleness that soothed the painful ache in her heart. “It’s not your fault. They attacked you. You refused to shoot. And Jiya did exactly what I wanted her to do. I’d take a million bullets for you.”  
Lucy nodded but her mind wondered. What about Jessica? He seemed to read her thoughts. “As for Jessica….she brought this on herself. She's not the person I knew. I'll always love the person she used to be. But that woman has been dead for more than six years. And she's not coming back. And even if she did…she's, not you. And I'm not the same person I was either."   
Lucy remembered him saying something like that a long time ago. She’d been too angry and hurt to understand. Now she did understand. She heard a slight cough behind her and found her face flushing bright red. It was like being caught making out at school. She whirled around to see Flynn standing there. “Good training session?” He questioned. His face was impassive but Lucy found herself backing away embarrassed. All her defenses were firmly in place.   
“Yes,” she gulped and said hurriedly, “I’m going to… uh…go shower.”   
The same routine continued. Wyatt was nearly healed and except for the occasional pain and the scar on his body, it was almost easy to forget how he'd nearly died. But she couldn't forget. His bloody body joined Rufus in her nightmares. Each time she woke up drenched in sweat and sobbing as she fought to figure out truth from fiction. Rufus was dead? Real. Wyatt was dead? Not real. Her mother was dead? Real. Amy was still disappeared. Real. Jiya was no longer there to comfort her and she hated waking her. Jiya had her own struggles and Lucy refused to add to them. She'd abandoned her midnight drinking with Flynn ever since that night she'd embarrassed herself. There was no one else who could help her. Well, there was one person but she was too afraid to reach out.  
Emma jumped again a couple of weeks later. Emma wasn’t jumping that often which gave everyone a sense of alarm. Emma planned her missions far more carefully than her predecessors. Lucy ran into the common room as Jiya announced, “Woking, Surrey, May 5, 1895.”  
“England, again?” Mason commented. “I don’t understand why they are suddenly going out of the country so much.”  
Lucy tried to think of what had happened in this region right at that exact time. There was something vaguely familiar about it but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Then Mason shouted, “I know what it is. H. G. Wells. He lived there at that time.”  
Lucy nodded her head. It made sense that Rittenhouse would target him. “Wells was a socialist and early supporter of women’s rights. He was a believer in creating a new utopian government ruled by the Inteligencia. I could see Rittenhouse liking that. But they'd probably not like his anti-capitalist stand."  
“It seems a little obscure though. It’s not like he held office. He was just a novelist.” Wyatt’s voice in her ear made her start. She’d not realized he’d come in.   
“Not at all. H. G. Wells invented the term ‘time machine’. He was the first person to really explore the idea of time travel that wasn’t some sort of magical experience. If he hadn’t written and published his book ‘The Time Machine’ in 1895 there would be no time travel.” Mason said. “I read those books as a boy and that’s what made me want to become a scientist. That’s what made me obsessed with time travel.”  
"We'd never have met. Never go on the missions." Lucy said. She remembered saying that when Rittenhouse targeted Agent Christopher. The memory soured in her stomach as she remembered the desperation in Wyatt's eyes as he looked straight at her. All before everything went to hell.   
“But doesn’t that hit Rittenhouse in the foot, too? I mean aren’t they erasing themselves?” Wyatt frowned at the computer screen. Lucy felt uneasy about this mission as well.  
“No, because you’ll still have possession of the Mothership and Lifeboat. The difference is that you’ll be in a totally different place. My not having invented the time machine will have far more effect on us since I’m working with you. For Rittenhouse removing me from the picture is not going to hurt them much.” Mason explained.  
“But why this method? Why not kill you or target you directly?” Flynn spoke for the first time and Lucy noticed he looked just as wary as the rest.  
“Because if I hadn’t invented a time machine someone else would have. H. G. Wells was the kind of visionary that was totally unheard of. The things he came up with were almost prophetic.” Mason finished.  
"He's right." Lucy turned to the others. "Rittenhouse is counting on destroying the concept of time travel which will affect us more than them. It's a risky venture. But it could be effective."  
“Well, then. Let’s go.” Jiya stood up and moved towards Lucy.   
Mason looked as if he wanted to go with them but after his little accident of the time before he quickly let Flynn replace him. Lucy suspected that meeting his idol would be a treat but it wasn’t worth Emma’s head smashing. She stopped Wyatt before he boarded the Lifeboat and placed her hands on his arms to keep him from going ahead. “Are you ok to go?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said easily. Lucy shook her head and stared at him meaningfully. She knew a bull shit answer when she saw one.  
“I’ll be fine, ok. I’ve been cleared by the doctor.” He gave her a small, reassuring smile and she released him.   
Jiya was bouncing on her seat as she scrambled in. “What’s going on with all of the sciency missions? Why does Rittenhouse hate STEM? Emma is a STEM major.”   
Lucy didn't let herself think about how much of a Rufus like statement that was. She only gave Jiya a small smile as Wyatt helped her buckle in. She'd hurt her wrist a few days ago when she'd slipped and fallen on a wet spot in the bathroom and he'd been ridiculous in getting her literally everything. She'd let him because she saw how happy it made him do something useful for her.   
“I loved H. G. Wells books. They were so cool. I’m seriously fan girling right now.” Jiya confessed. Lucy couldn’t help the joy at seeing Jiya looking happier. Even if it was a temporary thing it was better than the sadness.  
They inquired as to the home of Wells and found out that it was a rented cottage called Lynton on Mayberry Road. As they walked the short distance they all kept their eyes peeled for signs of Emma. Lucy found herself shaking as she walked convinced they were about to be ambushed by Emma and her crew. Wyatt looked tense but otherwise calm. She wondered at his steely resolve. It might be cracked sometimes but it never disappeared.   
There was no sign of Emma or Rittenhouse. They were surprised by the cordiality of the woman who led them into the garden after they posed as journalists. Lucy whispered to the rest, “That’s Anna Catherine Robbins who becomes Well’s second wife after he divorced his first wife.”  
“Wasn’t that uncommon?” Wyatt whispered back.  
“Well’s was very uncommon. He was living with Anna for several years before marriage.” Lucy replied. They straightened as Anna Catherine came back. She started off talking about the weather and other topics that seemed relatively safe. When she got off on science they all let Jiya carry the conversation.  
“You seem to be very well versed in the sciences, Miss. Murray.” Anna Catherine said.  
"My father was educated and believed in providing a good education for his family including his daughters," Jiya answered. Lucy was always surprised at Jiya’s poise on missions. She hadn’t survived three years in 1888 San Fransico without developing skills that far outdistanced her companions.  
“That’s a wonderful thing to have. If only more parents were like that.” Anna Catherine said with a sigh. Lucy remembered that the woman had been universally attacked by nearly everyone for living with a married man even though Wells had separated from his first wife.   
“If only women were given the same opportunities as men and not judged so harshly," Lucy said firmly. Anna Catherine gave her a significant glance but only nodded.   
H. G. Wells had a funny squeaky voice hardly in line with his vibrant, and bold writing style. He swept into the room and quickly dominated the conversation. She was pleased that he didn’t ignore her and Jiya. She and Flynn discussed Fabian socialism with him while Wyatt kept his eyes peeled for Rittenhouse.   
“I read your story ‘The Time Machine’ in the Pall Mall Gazette…” Lucy began.  
Instantly Well was on the alert, "And what did you think of it, Miss. Baines?"  
“I thought it was amazing. I mean, time travel. It’s crazy. Complete madness.” Lucy smiled. “But Mr. Wells, do you believe in time travel yourself?”  
"In real life, I think it highly improbable. But the trick of writing fiction is to make it realistic enough that it could be possible." Wells answered.  
“What if you could get a strong enough gravitational force that you could bend time backward?" Jiya questioned. Well’s face lit up as he regarded her. Jiya smiled and Lucy almost groaned. Oh no.   
“I have a book on that subject, Miss Murray. Would you like to see it?” Wells questioned her. Jiya scrambled up in excitement. Anna Catherine had left the garden and Lucy turned to her companions.   
"We've got to keep watch over her," Lucy said as she started towards the house.  
“Why? You think he’s going to attack her?” Wyatt asked.  
“No, but H. G. Wells was one of the most noted womanizers of the era. He had Margaret Sanger and Rebecca West as mistresses. Supposedly he was absolutely irresistible.” Lucy explained hurriedly. “Actually he was ahead of his time believing women should have just as much sexual freedom as men. He apparently advocated for free love.”   
“Wow! Way too much information. So he has Jiya in his sights. You should be trying to protect her since she’s your ‘sister’” Wyatt glanced at Flynn.  
“Jiya is capable of handling herself. She’s an adult. And from what you said she isn’t in danger. We need to worry about Rittenhouse.” Flynn said calmly.   
Lucy and Wyatt exchanged glances. Then Lucy sighed out, “You’re right. It’s just….difficult.”  
It was difficult remembering that Rufus was dead and technically Jiya was free to do whatever the hell she wanted. Lucy couldn’t imagine a world where Rufus wasn’t there to make some awkward joke about being replaced.   
Lucy went to go find and protect Anna Catherine while Wyatt and Flynn tried locating the Rittenhouse agent. Anna Catherine looked pensive as Lucy sat down next to her. The woman was younger than Lucy and already she’d bucked society in a major way. “I admire you, you know.” Lucy began.  
“Why would you admire me? Most people don’t.” Anna looked surprised.  
“Because you’re doing what you want. What you believe in. And that takes so much courage. I wish I had that courage.” Lucy considered her own life. Her obsession with Jessica and determination to believe that Wyatt’s marriage was perfect in order to deal with her own jealousy.   
“You and Mr. McFly?” Anna Catherine surmised. Lucy raised her eyebrows. Back in the day she and Wyatt were frequently confused for a couple but not recently. Not since the whole Jessica thing. It was if her wounded heart had nothing left to reveal to the world.  
“He was…his wife died. But she didn’t really die. There was a mistake. And then she came back. But she wasn’t the same. She was…to be blunt…quite horrible. But in the process, I was trying to do the right thing. As was he. But…” Lucy wondered why she was telling this historical woman all these things.  
“It broke your heart anyway. And you couldn’t stop yourself.” Anna Catherine finished. Lucy flushed. She hadn’t actually acted on anything. And Jessica was dead anyway.  
“No, but it got so complicated. And he got frightfully jealous. And yet he was determined to stay with her. And I was certain I could never compete with her. She was very beautiful. And now… even though she ended up dying…like it was fate…I can’t trust that he isn’t still thinking of her.”   
"So what? He is with you now. And she's dead. People stray. But provided at the end of the day they still love you and want you then that's all that matters. I don't get jealous anymore. I just want honesty. That's the most important thing." Lucy wondered at this woman. She had thought of her as a victim. Now she wondered if Anna Catherine was just a practical realist. It wasn't a relationship Lucy would want. But she wasn't judging the other women.  
Lucy nodded. “It’s just so terrifying. To care so much.”   
"I know. Believe me, I know."  
Lucy got up and tiptoed to the door to stare out the keyhole. Anna gave a small laugh at her. Lucy supposed she must look horribly snoopy. She saw Jiya standing by the fireplace holding a book. H. G. was pacing back and forth talking animatedly. She caught words like “time travel” and “impossibility”.   
Suddenly the door flew open. A woman in a maid’s uniform held a gun which she aimed at Anna Catherine. Lucy whirled around and in a flash had her gun pointed at the woman's body. It was Jessica all over again. Lucy knew she could make the shot. The problem was Anna Catherine. Fortunately, the woman hadn't looked Lucy's way and didn't notice the gun in her hand. The woman hesitated a fraction of a second as Anna Catherine froze without saying a word, the look of horror on her face. Lucy fired her gun at the exact same instant the woman did. Both Anna Catherine and the woman crumpled to the floor. Lucy turned around as the other door flew open and Jiya and H. G. Wells ran into the room. She could hear H. G. screaming and knew that Anna Catherine had to be dead but she kept running. There was probably another sleeper agent.   
The man standing by the stairwell was also armed. Lucy made her way silently down the steps and moved into position. She aimed and was about to pull the trigger when someone grabbed her from behind. Lucy reacted instantly. She fired her shot but it went wild. She saw the man on the stairwell going down. Wyatt or Flynn or even Jiya must have taken him out. Then she pressed her free hand back going for her attacker's eyes. It was a well-worn technique Wyatt had taught her. She heard a muffled curse and for a second her assailant loosened their grip. It was just long enough for her to slip free. She turned around and began to run down the stairs. He pushed her and Lucy lost her balance and began tumbling down the stairs. She let out a yelp of pain as she struck her head on the side of the stairs. Her gun had already fallen to the ground with a resounding thud. Then she saw someone at the top of the stairs. Wyatt and Flynn were both aiming at the person. Lucy saw their attention was captured by them and crawled down the stairs further. It was another stalemate. Wyatt and Flynn couldn’t fire without endangering her. It was up to her.   
She reached out and tugged on the person's legs. Now that she was up close she recognized the guy as one of Emma's goons. He went down and his gun fell to the ground. They tumbled around down the stairs. Lucy felt her head bang again and her ankle was killing her but she didn't let the pain stop her. There wasn't time. Instead, she and the man fumbled for the gun at the bottom of the stairs. Lucy knew the man was much stronger than her. He abandoned the gun and put his hands around her throat. Lucy fought back panic as she remembered how Flynn had done the same thing. Emma had nearly killed her by strangling her. She was strong enough this time around. She could fight this. She just had to be careful. Slowly she kicked her feet just enough to distract the man from being able to strangle her properly. It was a gamble. She knew he’d positioned her so that she was right in the line of fire. Her teammates couldn’t save her. Carefully she reached her arm out and found the gun. In seconds she had it pressed against his temple and fired. Blood spattered everywhere. Lucy shuddered as his hands fell from her neck. She was covered in blood and had just killed two people in less than ten minutes. She wasn’t sure how to process this information.  
Unsteadily she pulled herself up wincing as she felt her ankle give way. Wyatt was by her side in seconds holding her carefully, unmindful of the blood. “Lucy….are you?”  
"I'm fine," Lucy said. She wasn't fine. Her mind was a positive whirlwind of terror and guilt. But she was alive. H. G. was standing at the top of the stairs.  
"These horrible people have been stopped," Lucy announced.  
“You…” He began.   
“I did what any strong woman would do. Fight back.” Lucy said proudly.  
He smiled. “You saved Anna.”   
Lucy’s body sagged in relief. “What do you mean? I saw her fall.”  
“The bullet lodged in her clothes. She got a flesh wound but I’m certain she’ll be fine.”  
He reached down and picked up the gun that Lucy had dropped. “What a funny gun? I’ve never seen one like this.”  
"It's from Germany," Wyatt announced smoothly.  
“Interesting.” H. G. paused and went on, “I’ve already suspected you aren’t from around here. You’re Americans of course but you’re mannerism are decidedly strange. I wonder…”  
He glanced at Jiya who appeared at the doorway. “You are time travelers, aren’t you? All of you. Including those men and the unfortunate maid.”  
Flynn smiled and shrugged, “You’re the first person to suspect. But then again I’d expect nothing less of the man who invented the idea of a time machine.”  
“We are only here because you wrote a book and invented that concept. And Rittenhouse was trying to ensure you didn’t write the book and destroy the future.” Lucy swallowed hard as the pain from her injuries began to make itself apparent.  
“What year did you come from?” he asked.   
"2018," Jiya announced.  
"I see. Are there any rules for this time travel business?" he asked.  
“We can’t travel to the future or to any place we’ve already existed. We also can’t put more than 4 people on our craft.” Jiya replied.  
“How extraordinary.” H. G. shook his head. “I didn’t really expect time travel to be possible. Just plausible enough to make it an interesting story.”  
Lucy tried limping her way to the Lifeboat but her ankle and banged head made walking difficult. Wyatt lifted her up against her protests, “It will be faster and you won’t hurt your ankle.”  
“But I’m too heavy.” Lucy protested.   
“You probably weight as much as a feather soaking wet.” He quipped back.  
“Good one, Wyatt.” Jiya winked at him.   
Lucy had to admit that she was suddenly bone weary and her ankle and head hurt badly enough that she was glad of the assistance. In all honesty, she found the warmth of his body against hers and the secure feeling of being in his arms much better than anything else. She attempted to play it off as a necessary thing but she didn’t think she fooled her companions. It was all too much, too fast and her walls were fighting their way up in spite of herself.   
Lucy found herself being helped into the Lifeboat and she sat down leaning her head against the headrest. Suddenly it all hit. She’d just killed two people. She’d killed Jesse James and that soldier in 1918 but here she’d killed two people in one day. Four people had died by her hand. She glanced over at her companions. What would they think of her? She knew Flynn wouldn’t judge. He’d done the same. His face was curiously blank as she studied him. She turned to Jiya next. Jiya only reached out and took her hand. Then she turned to Wyatt. She suspected her actions surprised him. He’d never really thought she was capable of that. She’d never thought that either. But his face was soft and tender as he reached forward and helped her with her seatbelt. “You basically put us out of work Lucy. Do you realize you took out two sleeper agents by yourself?”  
“I guess I…” Lucy began. “I wasn’t going to be dependent ever again.”  
“You did amazing.” He replied. “That was a difficult moment. You kept your head and executed it perfectly.”  
“But I killed two people. I mean, I can’t believe I did that. I just got so focused on completing the mission and keeping them from hurting anyone else.”  
“You did what you had to do.” Flynn’s face was strangely understanding. “We all know what this is like. Some more than others.”  
Jiya cleared her throat, “Let’s go back home. I think Lucy has a concussion.”  
The second the Lifeboat had touched down in 2018 Wyatt was unbuckling her seat belt and helping her out of the Lifeboat. Lucy saw Connor and Denise's worried expressions and hastened to reassure them that she was only banged up. She didn't have a concussion though she was monitored for one anyway. Her ankle was badly sprained and Wyatt wrapped it up for her. "That ought to do it." He commented after tying off the last end of the wide bandage. Lucy hadn't known what to do with the shivers that ran up and down her spine at the feeling of his warm, capable hands all over her foot and ankle. She'd tried to play it off as pain but in her heart, she knew the sensation was anything but painful.  
"Thanks," Lucy replied.  
“No problem, ma'am.” His smile stretched across his face. He reached out and gently touched the bruises already forming on her neck. “I’m so sorry.”  
"It's not your fault," Lucy answered.  
“I wasn’t there to protect you.” He shook his own head.  
“I don’t want to be protected. I’m tired of being protected. I want to stand and fight right alongside you.” Lucy hoped he wouldn’t read too much into the “beside you” comment. Or maybe she did. She wasn’t sure.  
“I’m proud of you, Lucy. You’ve gotten so incredibly…badass. I mean you always were. But now…Sarah Connor has nothing on you.” Lucy couldn’t help smiling a little.  
“I had a good teacher.” She said modestly. He only shook his head and dropped a small kiss on her forehead.   
“What would you like to eat?” he said, clearly trying to change the subject.  
Lucy remembered drinking strawberry milkshakes with Amy when she was sick. Now her throat hurt from the strangling and she suddenly wanted a milkshake. “I’d like a strawberry milkshake. Amy always was obsessed with strawberries. I used to like chocolate then I tasted one. And I loved it. And ever since…” Lucy was ashamed to feel tears leaking out of her eyes. What kind of person cried over strawberry milkshakes?  
"I'll make you one," Wyatt promised. He reached out and drew her close. Lucy clung to him feeling the warm solidity of his frame. She hadn't felt this comfortable in his presence since before Jessica's arrival. She smelled that minty fresh scent of whatever soap he used. His hand traveled up and down her back along the silky path of her kimono. She never wanted to let go. The scrape of his stubble against the top of her forehead as she turned her head slightly made her stomach flutter. She'd always gone for smooth shaven men but something about his slightly unkempt stubble made her respond like this.   
He slipped out, probably to make her a milkshake as Jiya came in. “How are you feeling?” She asked Lucy.  
Lucy shrugged, “I’m ok. I’ve been worse.”   
Jiya’s face bore traces of tears. “I know you all were worried about me and H. G. Flynn told me.”  
Lucy tried to make some excuse but Jiya went on, “You were right. I was so lonely and tired and hopeless. And it was nice to be noticed, ya know? I just wanted…to be young and pretty again. But it wasn’t what I wanted. Not truly. Besides I had plenty of things to do.”  
Lucy reached out and hugged Jiya. “I can’t pretend to understand but I do in a way.”  
“I guess it was weird. Flynn got that. Probably because he lost his wife. And knows how weird it is with this whole, planning to bring them back but what do I do in the meantime. And how do I do it?"   
Lucy didn’t know what to say. Her situation was so different from Jiya’s. She only gave her friend another pat on the back. “Lucy, I think you should know something. Now is probably not the time but…”  
Lucy drew in a breath. “You might as well tell me.”  
“I think Flynn likes you. As in, likes you likes you.” Jiya laughed awkwardly. “It sounds like we’re in high school. But I’m not gossiping. I’m just…commenting.”  
Lucy sighed. It was all so complicated. Her own heart felt torn to shreds. She’d just begin to feel some healing when Jessica reemerged and Wyatt nearly died. She’d expected that to bring clarity. It didn’t. She knew she loved him. But was that enough? “I… I just….”  
“And the worst of it is that he’s definitely not over Lorena. He still talks about her a lot. She was a special woman. And then there is Iris. Honestly, it breaks my heart. But you offered him hope. And that’s a powerful thing.” Jiya looked up. “I’m only telling you because I think you should know. Not because I think you should do anything about it.”  
Lucy smiled. “Do you think I should do something about it?”  
“Frankly, no. I mean this seems like Jessica 2.0. And I know you had a…how should I put it…difficult history. He physically attacked you. And I’m sorry, but I’d never date someone who did that. And it wasn’t an accidental slap either. But that’s just my personal thing. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad.”   
“I just….I can’t go there. I haven’t gotten over everything that happened.” Lucy touched her neck involuntarily and winced at the pain, “I wish I could just pretend. But I can’t.”  
" I know you and Wyatt have gotten closer." Jiya began. "I'm glad. Regardless of what happened, you've always been friends."  
“I trust him. I believe he’s changed. What happened wasn’t all his fault. But…I guess I don’t trust us together. So I just do what I can handle.”   
“That’s what you should do. And let the rest take its time. If you want anything else.”  
There was a slight tap at the door and Lucy looked up to see Wyatt holding a glass with a frosty pink concoction. “There you go, ma'am. I can’t promise anything except that it does have ice cream.”   
“Thank you.” Lucy couldn’t help smile and wondered what Amy would say. Wyatt offered Jiya some of the shake but Jiya shook her head and said something about dairy. Jiya was lactose intolerant. Lucy watched as her friend visibly shut down and made some hurried excuse to walk out. Lucy knew that it must bother her to see Lucy and Wyatt talking as if nothing had ever happened.   
“This is really good. I didn’t know you were such a good cook.” Lucy took another sip and felt the comfort of Amy’s favorite treat.  
"It's just ice cream, milk, and strawberries." He said offhandedly. “Not like the horrible Lifeboat cake.”  
“You used real strawberries?” She asked. Amy always used strawberry milk powder.   
“Yeah, we had some in the fridge. Jiya always has fruit for her smoothies.” Wyatt took the glass from her hand as Lucy swallowed another yawn. The day was catching up with her. She was bone weary and her body ached with pain. “Here, take one of these.”  
She looked up to see a pain reliever appear by her bed. “You’ll need it, believe me. I’ve been in a lot of fights.”  
“Thanks.” Lucy slid down until she was lying on her back on her bed.  
“No problem,” he reached out and flipped off the overhead light. “Sleep well.” She wasn’t going to sleep well. She was sure her dreams would be haunted by the people she killed. By Rufus, her mother, and Amy.  
She woke up shaking and sobbing in the middle of the night with pain in her neck and memories of hands on her neck slowly squeezing the life out of her body. She dreamed of dead bodies and blood all over. And there was no one there. No one to tell her all the things she was seeing wasn’t real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: This is a huge chapter that should technically be split in half but I’m too lazy to do. Plus it will mess up my alternating sequence and I can’t stand that. So hopefully you won’t mind a monster of a chapter. I got carried away.  
> We are now in the cute and frustrating part of the story where they are all so close to finally having a breakthrough and so far because Lucy is so scared. Honestly, their interactions are so soft and gentle it melts my heart.  
> H. G. Wells was pretty much as I described. I do think Rittenhouse was making a risk but remember they still have their time machine. The time team would be at a disadvantage because they would no longer have Mason. Mainly Rittenhouse hoped to erase the concept of time travel so they could continue their work.   
> Wells was a noted ladies man and I thought it would be cool to have Jiya be the one to be hit on by historical figures and not Lucy. Lucy panics because she is thinking of Rufus. I took Wyatt and Lucy’s names form Back to the Future. It sure made me chuckle.   
> I hope the fight scene was ok. Fight scenes are not my forte so I had to do my best. Lucy held her own and saves Anna’s and her own life. But the effects of this war on Lucy are strong. I think it’s a testament to how much she’s changed that Wyatt no longer feels like he has to watch over her every second. She’s gotten strong enough to defend herself.   
> I do believe that Flynn has some feelings for Lucy but they are complex and I still haven't figured out what they are. I am definitely looking forward to seeing more about this in the movie. I already have some suspicions but we'll have to see how they play out.


	21. Chapter 21 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching the night together, I cannot understand what you murmer, singing sweetly, softly, to yourself, in French. O, Lady, you are learned, In your hands as they touch me, in lips that sing obscurely, in secret, in private songs.   
> Kenneth Rexroth

Recovery from his wounds moved along rapidly. As long as he took his medication and didn’t do anything too crazy the pain was manageable and quickly fading. For the first time since, probably Hollywoodland, he felt a flicker of something like hope. Part of it was Lucy. She was hovering like a mother hen, driving him crazy with her constant demands to stop doing anything and nagging. But it meant she cared. It meant that she cared enough to bother. And he might complain and call her a “bossy know it all” but he knew that he loved his “bossy know it all”.   
She’d left him with tantalizing possibilities. Her words back when he was shot came back loud and clear. "I'm not losing another person I love." Of course, she'd been talking about Rufus and her mother and Amy but the fact that she'd even included him in that category meant something. Later she had told him she'd say something someday and asked for time. Time, one thing they seemingly controlled but which ultimately controlled them. It might be an uncertain hope but it was one worth pursuing. Somehow he'd figured out that if one person was worth all the patience in the world it was Lucy Preston. Patience had never been a strong point with him, at least when it came to relationships, but he'd nearly destroyed everything which his hot-headed ways.  
The truth was that the hope had more to do with therapy than anything else. As difficult a truth to admit he wasn’t exactly sane. He was broken and scarred beyond repair. No one promised happiness. No one promised anything so unreliable. The only thing they promised was perhaps he’d learn to deal with things without hurting himself or others.   
The first sessions were, to put it mildly, tough. He'd been assigned therapy before and he’d spent the whole time sullenly not talking or bull shitting the therapist into thinking he’d made progress. Michelle wasn’t the type to be deceived. All she had to do was look at him with that "I know what you're trying to do" and he'd start backtracking. Maybe part of it was he'd officially hit rock bottom. Michelle didn't take bullshit, wasn't afraid to call him out and couldn't be shocked. At first, he told himself that he only went to sessions because he couldn't be rude to her but after a while, he admitted that she was the one person he could talk to that he wasn't afraid of.  
Seeing Lucy in action in the mission to save H. G. Wells was incredible. He hadn’t ever seen her like that. He’d been frantic that the man would kill Lucy before he could get a clear shot. But Lucy had kept her head and taken each advantage she’d been given. Wyatt realized that the awkward historian had disappeared. In her place was a soldier, battle weary and exhausted but able to stand there and fight with the best of them. Perhaps she wasn't quite as strong as he was or as experienced but with time she'd get there. Unfortunately, he feared she'd also carry the scars of war. The scares he'd tried vainly to protect her from. Seeing the look of guilt and pain on her face as she realized what she'd done wasn't something he'd ever get used to. Lucy and Rufus had helped remake his conscious. He’d never forget how Rufus had forced him to question whether following orders was always right. It had been Rufus who had first made him question his own privilege.   
Seeing Lucy request a milkshake had given him more hope than ever. Lucy hadn’t ever requested anything from him. Even when she hurt her wrist he’d simply tried to guess what she wanted. The fact that she trusted him with her secret and with her own wishes made him smile. He pulled her battered body into his arms and felt her relax. He couldn’t heal her wounds or sadness. But somehow he could do what she’d done for him back in the Alamo.   
Making a milkshake when the only blender was something that looked suspiciously like a model from the 1950's was difficult. He ended up using a fork for the rest. Good thing he had strong arms. Flynn walked into the kitchen when he finished and looked surprised. "I didn't know you liked strawberries."  
“This is for Lucy. Her throat is sore.” Wyatt didn’t know why he had to defensively explain this. He always felt that way with Flynn. Defensive.   
“Of course. She must have told you how much those milkshakes meant to her.” Wyatt ground his teeth to stay silent and not say something smart like normal. Getting into a fight over Lucy with Flynn was over. Lucy had the right to do what she wanted.   
"Yes, it's about Amy," Wyatt answered. Who you erased from history. Of course, Flynn knew about this from the journal.  
Jiya ran away the minute he came in. She looked exhausted and sad and not for the first time he wished there was something they could do to bring Rufus back. Now. Not when they someday, possibly, figured out the way to travel back on their timeline. He gave her space though. She just needed to be alone. He handed Lucy the milkshake and watched her sleepily sip it. When she finished he gave her the pain relievers knowing in a few hours she’d need them. He’d learned from experience to take them before the pain really hit.   
The sound of screaming woke him up. He picked up his gun lying next to the bed and went sprinting into the hall to locate the direction of the sound. Lucy. He recognized the sound of her voice. He tapped on her door but there was no answer. He then opened it and found her alone, thrashing around and crying. A nightmare. He laid the gun down on her dresser and knelt beside the bed. “Lucy, it’s all right. It’s just a dream.”  
He kept his voice calm and quiet as he carefully placed his hands on her shoulders and gently began to run them down her arms. It took a few minutes but she eventually opened her eyes. “Wyatt, what…I dreamed I killed everyone in the bunker. I didn’t…real or not real?”  
“Not real. Never.” He reached out and drew her close. She trembled for a few minutes her face buried in his shoulder. “It was just a dream.”  
“It felt so real.” She said.   
“I know. They always do.” He held her a few minutes longer relishing the soft way she felt in his arms. He hadn’t been able to touch her so consistently since 41’ and it felt like an absolute feast to the senses to know she was here, close by, and trusting enough to cling to him.   
“Do you want something? Tea?” He questioned. She only shook her head, those mournful dark eyes barely visible in the faint light radiating from the hall. Softly he brushed the hair back from her face and said, “Then, uh…goodnight.”  
He’d barely made it to the door when she cleared her throat and said uncertainly, “Would you…um…stay with me…just until I fall asleep?”  
Wyatt whirled around to look at her. She was sitting up in bed but her face looked pinched and drawn with exhaustion. He knew why she was asking this. She wanted someone, someone who understood the nightmares, to be there until she fell asleep. “Sure thing, ma’am.”  
The bed wasn't designed for two people. It was 1934 all over again as he crawled in beside her. He'd expected her to try to stay on her side as she had in 34 but she immediately snuggled up against him, her head resting against his shoulder. So that was the way it was going to be? In the inky darkness of the bunker room, there was no pretense. It was the first time they'd done anything close to sharing a bed since 1941 and even though the circumstances were so different they're been a time not so long ago Wyatt thought she'd barely speak to him much less trust him enough to fall asleep in his arms. Her hair smelled like strawberries and felt incredibly soft as he ran his fingers through it. It was an unconscious habit but it seemed to relax her. She took a couple of deep, shuddering breaths the lingering effects of her nightmare evident in the tremor. "Just go to sleep, Luce. I'm not leaving."  
He could tell when her breathing evened out enough to know she was asleep. He couldn’t possibly get out without her waking up. She was pressed too close. His own eyes were heavy as he told himself he was waiting for her to be sleeping deeply enough to leave without waking her. But within minutes he too was asleep.   
Wyatt was used to waking up early. In the military sleeping in wasn’t a thing and he’d become accustomed to waking up when the sun rose. Working on the team had messed up all their sleep schedules since they’d frequently get woken up in the middle of the night to jump. This morning his mind fought waking up. He blinked, unaccustomed to the warmth surrounding him. Memories flashed through his head. Lucy, her nightmare…he wasn't in his room. He was in Lucy's room…in her bed. The second he realized exactly where he was he opened his eyes. Lucy was half sprawled on top of him, her hair falling into his face and her face turned away. She was dead to the world. Lucy, fortunately, didn't weigh a whole lot or he'd be having trouble breathing. As it was he was having trouble breathing but for an entirely different reason. She was way too close, a beguiling, tempting, disheveled vision and it took everything to maintain control. When she woke up he couldn’t possibly embarrass himself or her by acting weird about it. She hadn’t asked him to stay for any other reason than her nightmares. She’d probably be even more disgusted and angry if she thought he was taking advantage of her sleeping state to ogle her.   
Carefully he placed her on her own side of the bed and stood up. She protested softly a being moved, a tiny little grunt escaping her lips that was both cute and way too sexy. She definitely wasn’t making this not embarrassing himself thing much easier. Then her eyes flew open. She sat up abruptly but she didn’t freak out. She simply stood looking at him for an instant.  
“Did you sleep well?” He asked. It was literally the only thing he could think of and it was stupid but he was distracted by the way she looked with her hair curled around her face and that soft open look in her eyes.   
“Yeah, no nightmares after…that one.” She said. “How bout you?”  
“Good.” He said. Wonderful, never better. She smiled and stretched and it was another crazy effort to not stare at her as she did so. She was honestly just so…cute. Lucy was often sexy, always pretty but sometimes she just looked cute in this messy way that few people ever saw her like. It was hard to remember this adorable person was also the one who’d taken down two Rittenhouse agents.   
"Just give me a couple of minutes and I'll be ready," Lucy said.  
“Ready?” He repeated a little weakly.  
“You forgot about training?” Lucy said with a triumphant smile.  
“No,” he said. But he had of course. And seeing Lucy in her workout clothes wouldn’t help matters. She was distracting as hell normally but somehow seeing her in action was always incredibly tempting. He didn’t understand exactly why he found the idea that she could probably beat the hell out of him if she wanted to and if he didn’t fight back, hot. “I just thought you’d take a rest with your ankle.”  
“It’s better. Besides I can do upper body, right?” Lucy mimicked his trainer tones perfectly.   
“Yeah, I’ll give you…a couple of minutes and then meet you there.”  
"It's a date," Lucy said and then hesitated and blushed nervously, biting her lip and averting her gaze.  
"Yeah," He glanced down the hall to find it deserted. It took seconds to slip inside of his room. Unlike Lucy, he was far better at escaping undetected. Or perhaps she’d not really cared if he saw.   
He had to give her credit. Lucy was absolutely killing it. Despite her obvious soreness, she didn't hesitate even though she favored her injured ankle. He was still in a daze induced by the sensory overload of Lucy Preston but she seemed completely unfazed. Once, a long time ago, she’d have blushed and gotten flustered when he reached over to adjust her limbs or stood right behind her speaking into her ear. It was a horrible temptation not to kiss her neck; right on that sensitive spot below her ear, he knew drove her crazy. He had a thing for her neck and she certainly hadn't been complaining.   
“You did great.” He saw her face light up with pride as she cooled down.   
“I can’t believe it.” She replied modestly.  
“I’m thinking you should practice with some other people. Learn their fighting styles.” He went on. “Jiya, of course. Flynn and maybe Agent Christopher.”  
Lucy’s eyebrows rose as he said Flynn. But Wyatt knew he was the only other person in the bunker who had real experience fighting with the exception of Jiya and even Jiya was nowhere near as experienced as Flynn. Wyatt had fought with him himself. They were pretty evenly matched and Lucy would benefit from the additional training from a different perspective. Jealousy had gotten him into this whole mess. Lucy wasn’t his to worry about. She wasn’t his to spend all this time obsessing about another man touching her. He didn’t have the right.  
"Yeah, that sounds good," Lucy replied.  
They were making progress on the formula for traveling back on their own timeline. And Lucy was making progress on her piloting lessons. Jiya promised that soon Lucy could take a turn in the piloting seat provided Jiya was there for backup. “You know, Wyatt?”  
“Yeah,” he replied looking up at Jiya.   
She sat down on one of the Lifeboat seats and said, “This isn’t about your abilities. You’re fully as capable as Lucy of piloting. But you won’t apply yourself. And I know why. You feel guilty. Like you’re replacing Rufus.”  
Wyatt winced at Jiya’s perception. He’d not even been aware of it. Then again everyone seemed to be figuring him out before he did. He just shrugged.  
“I’m going to teach you to repair this thing. Keep the Lifeboat in tiptop shape. Every pilot needs that.” Jiya smiled at him. “I expect it to be in perfect order. I’m not letting you off the hook.”  
“Ok, Captain. Told you I was too dense for that piloting stuff.” It was a relief really. He hopefully wouldn’t have any more dreams of Rufus telling him how he’d replaced him. Forgotten him. Scratch that. He still would. But maybe they wouldn’t be as bad.  
The days passed. They jumped again but this time it wasn’t as bloody as 1895. Wyatt was just turning off the lights when he heard a soft tapping on his door. He opened it surprised to find Lucy standing on the other side. “I just…. I had another nightmare.”  
“Come in.” He motioned her inside and she immediately made a beeline for his bed. She didn’t even ask permission. Just sat down and stared at the wall for several minutes. He sat down beside her and placed his hands on her shoulder. “It’s ok, Lucy. You can tell me.”  
"Does it ever go away?" She asked. A tear slid down her cheek. Then another. Finally, she was sobbing uncontrollably. He reached out and drew her close. She clung to him as he tried thinking of what to say. Should he tell her the truth? That no, it didn't get easier. That in their line of work easy wasn't in their vocabulary. She knew that though. It was more a rhetorical question. It was a question of whether she'd ever get to the point where she ceased to care.  
“No, not really. But maybe it doesn’t seem quite as hard. But I’m not the person you should ask.” He definitely wasn’t a poster child for having his life together. He’d seen some improvement since he’d gotten therapy. Michelle was a genius. But Michelle never promised to fix him and he didn’t think that was possible anyway.   
“I just…I think about those people I killed. I know they were Rittenhouse, but they probably had families.” Lucy looked up. “I think about that guy in 1918 the most. I saw the light die out of his eyes. And he was so scared. I killed this good man because I wanted to complete the mission. I realized then, I was no better than Flynn. I know the man was going to be killed by Emma anyway but I did it. I killed him.”  
“At least you didn’t kill a good man for selfish reasons. I mean you did it for the mission. To eradicate Rittenhouse.” Wyatt swallowed hard as he remembered the man he’d killed as a result of 1983. Although now that Jessica was alive and he’d not even gone on that mission that man was probably alive. That meant Bam Bam was alive too. Wyatt hadn’t even considered it. It didn’t excuse the guilt that filtered through him.  
"We're all a piece of work," Lucy commented.  
“Come on.” Wyatt pulled her down until she was lying down. “You need your sleep.”  
“Can I stay?” Lucy whispered.  
“As long as you want.” He said softly.  
Lucy made it a habit of crawling into his bed every time she had a nightmare. Sometimes it was once a week. Other times it was nearly every night. She stopped talking about her nightmares or asking permission. She didn’t even knock. She’d just open his door and slip in beside him, knowing he’d welcome her. He’d never slept better. She reminded him of hope and tenderness and love and all those things he’d nearly destroyed. Wrapped in her arms he could almost imagine he was whole again. That he hadn’t hurt her so badly or made so many terrible errors.   
He learned more about her in those midnight hours than he’d known before. He learned she tossed and turned and woke up crying when she remembered Amy was gone, Rufus was dead and her mother had betrayed her. During the day she kept her emotions in check, never letting herself break down but at night she’d crumble just a little. He learned she always slept on the side of the bed away from the wall and kicked when she got a nightmare. She was always cold but kept a window cracked in the middle of the night to let in fresh air. She didn’t sleep in soft, lacy nightgowns but in oversized T-shirts and yoga pants.   
Wyatt never knew if the other people in the bunker knew anything about Lucy’s midnight excursions. No one ever mentioned it to him but he suspected Jiya suspected. She didn’t tease him though. Not like Rufus would have. If anyone else found out he was afraid she’d stop coming. It was something hidden, too uncertain to live in the light of day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I’m attempting NaNoWrMo as well as trying to find a job so I’m crazy busy right now. But I’m gonna keep on updating this story. It is nearly posted though. I’m very happy with how things are working out with it.   
> I would like to get more into therapy and stuff but if I did this story would be incredibly long. I think that in the circumstance the characters are under complete recovery from the mental scars would be difficult. The trauma is constant. So at this point survival is paramount. The thing is Wyatt is finally getting some help for his issues. And because he genuinely respects Michelle he listens to her. Progress. I think hitting rock bottom forces you to admit you can’t do it on your own.  
> Honestly, the cute Lyatt cuddles and sleeping together (platonically) because of the nightmares seem to be a common theme in fanfics. My other OTP couple Everlark personally also inspired me from the Hunger Games. I think both of them really need each other for comfort and safety. They feel safe together. I think they need this time of healing and growing back together.


	22. Chapter 22 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t think about anything. I just let myself exist in that moment, the deep, deep pleasure of being there next to him, of feeling the weight of him beside me, the space he took up in the atmosphere.  
> Jojo Moyers
> 
> The first section of this chapter is a strong T leaning towards M. It’s easy to skip if that’s not your style.

“You want to try that again, babydoll?” Lucy shivered as he wrapped a hand around her arm and readjusted her aim. His lips trailed down her neck distracting her and making her knees weak.  
“Oh sure, Sweetheart.” Lucy deliberately leaned back, pressing her hips against his until he let out a hissing sound. Payback time. She focused, took a deep breath and fired. Bullseye.  
“It’s incredible how someone so small can be so lethal.” His voice was filled with pride and Lucy grinned before putting the gun down and unloading it. The second the gun was safely put away she jumped him. Literally. He was good at deflecting and taking charge but this time he let her pin him to the mat. She crowed at her victory. It felt absolutely amazing to feel the power flowing through her. Her mouth came down to attack his with a vengeance. She swallowed his moans and let hers fly into his mouth as if they were breathing the same air.  
“You like me lethal, don’t you soldier.” She said sweetly, running her lips along his jaw.  
“You’re so fucking hot like this.” He replied.  
Lucy smiled. “That mouth of yours is a little dirty, isn’t it? You’re not allowed to say things like that, are you?”  
“No, ma’am.” The answer came back instantly. Lucy pressed his hands down into the mat and leaned down for another kiss. Teeth, tongues and the taste of coffee. These early morning workout sessions were the only time they really had alone. They took advantage of it. The workout room was far away from the bedrooms and pretty much soundproof. They could pretty much be as loud as they wanted without worrying about other people listening.  
“You’ll be good for me, won’t you, sweetheart?” she murmured running her hands down his arms. It took seconds to pull his shirt off.  
"Yes, ma'am." He gasped out. Lucy didn't know how she stood it. The feeling of exhilaration knowing she was in control of this situation left her breathless. There was something about knowing she had him in her power that got to her. She was still a tiny slip of a thing who had this big strong guy obediently saying “Yes, ma’am.” The best part is that he liked her this way. Liked how she spoke in this sweetly commanding voice. Liked how strong she was. Liked letting go and letting her take over.  
She released his hands and they moved up to inch her sports bra up and over her head. She didn’t dress for him. Her tiny shorts and sports bra were comfortable. But looking sexy was an added side benefit she enjoyed. His hands were warm on her overheated skin, setting a blaze of want straight through her. He started kissing her neck again; he had a positive obsession with it, not that she minded. “Stop teasing.” She ordered.  
“You sure are bossy.” He said grinning, the blue of his eyes darkened with lust.  
“You love me that way.” She shot back.  
“Sure do, ma’am.,” he said finally pressing his lips against her chest. She released a breathy moan that somehow had his name curled into it. Her fingers rested against his back drawing circles with her nails.  
xxxxxxxx  
Lucy jerked awake with a sudden start. Her body still felt keyed up as she fought to control her breathing. Oh god, no. She suddenly realized she wasn’t alone in bed. No, the object of her explicit sex dream was lying beside her. She sat up abruptly hoping she could pass off whatever strange things she’d done as a nightmare. She didn’t normally get sex dreams, at least not ones that vivid. And certainly not while the person was in bed with her.  
“You ok, Luce?” His voice was soft and soothing as he ran a hand up and down her back.  
"Yeah, just a dream." She replied. The hand on her back wasn't helping. Not when she thought back on that dream. The weird thing was that she hadn't even realized she had fantasies about control. She wondered how abnormal it was to feel that delicious sense of power she'd felt in that dream. She felt a pang of longing that had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the sense of confidence and love that had flowed between them. It was impossible to imagine that outside of a dream. For one thing, Wyatt would never go along with that. She felt sure he'd hate being bossed around by her. True, she'd been pretty eager back in Hollywoodland but it had been different. She’d never told him he wasn’t allowed to talk.  
“I’m going to get up. I don’t think I can sleep anymore.” Lucy stood up and added, “Maybe a cup of coffee and a shower will help. It uh…really threw me for a loop.”  
His eyes were concerned not teasing or embarrassed which made her suspect she wasn’t as obvious as she thought. She stepped into the shower realizing she’d have to get rid of the lingering effects of her dream or she’d be useless all day. But it was cold comfort to know she was all alone in a dingy shower stall in their bathroom. She wrapped her hair in a towel and made her way to the kitchen. Jiya was drinking coffee and reading with an open notebook on her lap. Probably doing calculations. She looked like she hadn’t slept.  
“Did you sleep well?” Jiya asked. Her face lightened with a hint of a smile. Lucy shrugged. She had slept well until her dream.  
“How’s Wyatt?” Jiya didn’t look up from her book. Lucy’s face flushed with something like embarrassment. This was so damn weird.  
“How…uh…” she began.  
“Please, Lucy I know you never sleep in your room anymore. You might as well make it official and move in.” Jiya’s matter of fact tone made her backtrack.  
"No, you don't get it," Lucy said. "We're not…not together. I just…"  
“Just what?” Jiya’s voice was softer now.  
“I just go there to sleep. I can’t sleep anywhere else. I get horrible nightmares. He helps. I guess because he understands.” Lucy finished.  
"So you're basically in a relationship minus the sex," Jiya said.  
“No, I…” Lucy began.  
“Come on, Lucy. Would you crawl into bed every night with me? Even though we’re friends. You and Wyatt have a history. You can’t possibly pretend this is just some sort of platonic cuddling.” Jiya’s mildly exasperated tone reminded Lucy of Amy.  
"It's complicated," Lucy confessed.  
“Ok, I understand you being angry with him. But Lucy, if your not willing to be in a relationship with him you probably shouldn’t be going to his room every night. That’s not just a friend thing, I mean unless you’re in a queerplatonic relationship or something. I mean, if you've moved on or aren't interested in him romantically it isn't fair to give him hope for more."  
Lucy swallowed hard. She wanted more. So much more. She wanted the intimate, close relationship she'd had in her dream. But she was so scared. So scared that he'd disappear on her just like he had before. Like everyone else, she'd ever loved. "I'm not. Playing with him. I promise. I'm just not ready. I'm so scared. I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I mean I guess with the exception of you guys. And I can't lose any more. I can't."  
"Tell me about it," Jiya said.  
“I’m sorry. That was so insensitive.” Lucy began.  
“I get what you mean. But would I trade in the year with Rufus for a life where I gazed at him longingly across the room and didn’t know him? No, I don’t regret it. And sure it hurts. Badly. But I don’t want to be the person I was before.” Jiya took another sip of coffee. “Wyatt almost died. And you loving him or not won’t have a bit of impact on whether he lives or dies.”  
"I know," Lucy admitted. "I just…I guess I'm afraid of…"  
“Jessica?” Jiya surmised, “Lucy, sure, he loved her. She was his wife. And yeah, we all know he was obligated to try with her. And bringing her here was the most stupid thing he’s ever done but try and tell me we wouldn’t do the same. The worst things he did were because he couldn’t let you go. Lucy, he loves you. So much. I can see it in his eyes. He literally stood in front of a bullet meant for you by his ex-wife in order to save your life."  
“It’s not Jessica. It’s me. I’m not…nobody has ever loved me first. I’ve always been someone they loved second and that as long as I did what they wanted. Except for Amy. And she’s gone.” Lucy sighed. “I used to think there was something wrong with me.”  
“Lucy, that’s not true. And sure, your family is really shitty. And you probably had some bad relationships and crazy friends. But Lucy, we love you. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t have survived the last year without you. And Wyatt, you know that guy can’t love by halves. That’s why it was so hard when Jessica came back. When he’s all in, he’s all in. He adores you. He respects you. When you walk into a room he instantly notices and if you asked for the moon he’d try to get it for you.”  
Lucy nodded but she wasn’t convinced. She might have believed Jiya before. But not now. Not after having her heart broken and losing everything. It seemed like fate. She was fated to be alone. Just like Rufus was fated to die.  
"It might help cut that incredible sexual tension you two have going." Jiya grinned. "Flynn and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. We're third wheeling it and honestly, it's crazy annoying."  
Lucy tried protesting but Jiya only laughed, "Lucy, please, you can't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know how you stand this sleeping arrangement without bursting into flames. You obviously are stronger than I'd be in the same situation."  
Lucy thought about her dream and winced. Clearly, she wasn't dealing with this as well as she thought. "It's a little awkward."  
“Just…I get your scared. But maybe you can just start trusting the process. It’ll never get easier. I promise you. You just have to seize the opportunity.”  
Lucy nodded. She didn’t believe it. It was impossible to believe anything anymore. She was too much of a coward to seize what she wanted. “Lucy, are you ready to start?”  
She whirled around too lost in thought to have heard Flynn walk in. He had an exceptionally light tread despite his height. He was rather cat-like even down to the sly intelligence in his eyes. She nodded glad of the excuse to get herself away from emotional conversations and explicit dreams. He looked at her knowingly and Lucy wondered if her journal had mentioned things like that. Had she written about her dream there? Except that in the journal Wyatt went away with Jessica. Her heart felt bruised and torn with the sudden pain.  
Fighting Jiya was different mainly because their strengths and weaknesses were roughly the same. They were around the same size, both quick on their feet and scrappy. Jiya was tough, no denying that and Lucy staggered back after an exceptionally well-placed blow sent her reeling.  
Fighting with Flynn was a little different. He had a different style than Wyatt and she found herself backing away instead of advancing. Memories of his hands wrapped around her throat, him dragging her away screaming for Rufus and Wyatt and how easily she’d sailed across the room like a forgotten rag doll. She kept losing her concentration in a flood of memories. She knew he wasn’t going to hurt her. But the memories still remained, sharp and vivid, and made her off balance.  
“Lucy, you can do this. Show us what you’ve got.” He encouraged. Lucy bit her lip and tried to channel this weird energy into anger. She was shocked when it hit. The sudden flash of strength flowing through her. She dodged a blow and responded nearly breaking his nose in the process. She saw the sudden flash of surprise in his eyes. Flynn fought like a mirror image of Wyatt. It was kind of incredible really. He had a different sort of brain though. She'd gotten very good at reading Wyatt. Knowing exactly when he'd make a move. Flynn, on the other hand, was a complete enigma.  
“That night Emma….did what she did I resolved I’d never get in that position again. Next time I’d fight back.” Lucy took a sip of water and put the weights back where they came from.  
“You have fought back. I always knew this was what you’re meant to do.” His voice sounded too much like her mother who always talked about her legacy and how she was meant to run Rittenhouse. Lucy was tired of fate and not sure she believed it anymore. Better to believe the world ran on random choices than to believe in a God that arbitrarily killed and destroyed. She hated the idea of a deity that destroyed so she’d become some mythological creature rising from the ashes of a dead life.  
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m expendable. To everyone.” Lucy shrugged unable to keep the bite out of her tone. She was tired of being a piece in someone else’s game.  
“Lucy,” She could hear the cajoling tone in his voice and it annoyed her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You aren’t expendable. At least not to me. Or to anyone…on the team.”  
“We are all expendable. And yeah, well I was in the way. I just…. I’m having a bad day.” Lucy started to turn towards the door to rustle up some breakfast. But he called her back.  
“Lucy, I lost my way. Without Lorena. Without Iris. I became a man obsessed with revenge and I was willing to do anything to bring them back. Tell me you don’t understand that.”  
The worst of it was she did understand. Too well. They all did. Even Jiya. Certainly, Wyatt did. "You need them back." She whispered as she nodded.  
“I don’t know if that’s possible. And if it is….” He paused and went on with difficulty. “What if they come back like Jessica? I couldn’t handle that Lucy.”  
Lucy knew all too well the possibilities of Amy coming back Rittenhouse. Providing there was a way of bringing back her sister. It would break Lucy's heart. "We have to figure it out. Not let Rittenhouse bring them back."  
“Sometimes I hear her voice. Lorena’s I mean. But her face, it’s fading. I don’t have a picture. I have one voicemail. I never kept pictures on my phone because of my job. I couldn’t take anything when I fled the house.” His voice jolted her out of her memories of Amy.  
“I don’t have Amy’s locket. Just the pictures. We’ve been trying to find it on eBay but I guess it’s lost to time.” Lucy commented.  
Somehow her outburst had cleared the air between them and for the first time since she’d gotten drunk in his room she no longer felt the awkwardness. She went to the kitchen to grab some oatmeal and took it out to the bench by the lake with a book. The book was an old favorite. Rebecca by Daphne De Maurier. She had just cracked it open when she found him standing there with a bowl of cereal and a slight smile.  
“Last night I dreamed I went to Manderley again.” He quoted softly. Lucy chuckled and closed the book again.  
“You know most of my life I thought the narrator was an absolute fool. Spending all that time obsessing over Rebecca and De Winter. He did marry her. But now….” Lucy began. “I understand.”  
“Ah… yes, you would understand.” He answered.  
"I guess Jessica became my Rebecca. In my head, I built her up into something she wasn't. She was absolutely perfect, impossibly beautiful, a total miracle. And she intimidated the hell out of me. I remember seeing her in real life and feeling somewhat…I don’t know. She didn’t seem so…. perfect or sweet. She was kind of abrasive and cold even though she was nice to me. Most of the time. When she wasn’t insulting my teaching.” Lucy paused as she remembered the time when Jessica had been living in the bunker. The pain and sadness she’d felt as she saw her there. But also the odd feeling of disconnect as she started to realize that this woman wasn’t the miracle she’d thought she was. She was just an ordinary woman. Well, she hadn’t been ordinary. She’d been Rittenhouse.  
“I guess her being Rittenhouse was just more Rebecca parallels," Lucy said. "Although I don't think Wyatt is much like De Winter. I never liked him much. He was so stereotypically Gothic hero. It was so easy to tell De Maurier was interested in women. Rebecca was so much more attractive than her husband."  
Flynn laughed and said, "Rebecca doesn't win. I suppose that no one wins. Rebecca dies, Mrs. Danvers goes mad and De Winter and the narrator live a life of self-imposed exile."  
Lucy finished her oatmeal and sighed, “You asked me once if it bothered me. All of it. And I told you I was fine. I wasn’t. I was so jealous. It just hurt so badly. But I wasn’t going to admit it.”  
“You wrote a lot about it. The pain. In the journal…” he began.  
“What happened?” Lucy interjected. “You mentioned something about Wyatt leaving.”  
“He did. But he came back. I suppose Jessica and he couldn’t make it work. But you were angry. And….” Lucy glanced up as he hesitated. “Rittenhouse killed him.”  
“Not Rufus?” Lucy questioned.  
"No, Rufus was fine. I didn't expect him to die despite Jiya's visions. I didn't take much stock in them, to be honest. If anyone was going to die on that mission I expected it to be Wyatt. And when he was shot…" Flynn's voice trailed off.  
“You expected it to be what happened in the journal.” Lucy finished. Her hands shook as she picked up her book and empty dish.  
“I wasn’t sure. That journal has changed so much. The reason you gave me the journal was because you’d lost so much yourself. You understood. You gave me hope that I might be able to fight…and win.” He gave her a slight smile. “Sometimes it felt like what you wrote was exactly how I felt. About loss.”  
Lucy sighed. “I guess I’m doomed, you know? To be sad. To lose things.”  
"No, I don't believe it. As it's shown the timeline constantly shifts. Your journal is not a constant. In fact, it's proven fairly unreliable."  
Lucy gave another little nod before saying, “I guess I better go for piloting lessons. Only one more lesson till Jiya and I go out alone.”  
“Good luck, Lucy. I know you can do it.” Flynn spoke with conviction. Lucy smiled back. She straightened her spine and made her way back into the bunker. She was ready to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Lyatt might seem a little OOC in Lucy’s dream. That’s because it’s a dream and I think most of us project our fantasies in our dreams. Not what would actually happen in real life. And for Lucy, I think feeling powerful and sexy is a fantasy after being controlled most of her life and not allowed to have her own emotions. I also don't see Lucy as particularly submissive (If you look at that Hollywoodland kiss she was definitely upping the ante). I think the give and take of their relationship is part of what makes it so nice. No one person controls the other.  
> Jiya is my favorite because she actually gives good advice and is on Lucy’s side. I’m so glad they have each other. I adore their friendship. She knows that Lucy’s scared and is doing her best to help her.  
> I also included Lucy having some discomfort with Flynn. I feel like Lucy suddenly becoming BFF’s with him and not feeling any discomfort at all is unrealistic. It steers all too near condoning violence because the victim “isn’t bothered by it.”  
> I really hope Lorena and Iris come back in the movie. I always get so sad when I think of their deaths. I am not sure exactly how Flynn feels about Lucy but I really hope if they do come back they don’t play him conflicted and go for another crazy love triangle. I’m done with triangles lol.  
> I was surprised when I wrote this that my surmises about Journal Lucy's timeline are pretty close to what I think may happen in the movie based on spoilers. I am actually a bit surprised at how close this was despite the fact I wrote this months ago. That's certainly cool.


	23. Chapter 23 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt now that he was not simply close to her but that he did not know where he ended and she began.  
> Leo Tolstoy  
> TW Panic Attack

He was puzzled by Lucy’s unexpected disappearance until the cause registered in his sleep-deprived brain. He’d been mostly asleep when she woke up and hadn’t exactly noticed what she was doing. She hadn’t had a nightmare. Quite the opposite. And judging from the breathy way she’d said his name she’d been dreaming about him. He knew that sound. He’d heard it before and there was nothing sexier than the sound of her voice like that. It sounded like caramel, low, warm and impossibly decadent. Mental images of exactly what she’d been dreaming about flashed across his brain. It felt like it was short-circuiting.   
Lucy was training with Jiya and Flynn this morning. Which meant he didn’t have to face her with fantasies of her face twisted with pleasure or exactly what she looked like clad only in the firelight. It was going to be a long day. This sleeping arrangement of hers was nearly pure torture. Lucy didn't know the meaning of personal space when she was asleep and those bunker beds were small. Most of the time she was crammed right up against him with her face pressed against his chest. It was endearing when she'd wake up slowly, her hair messy, her skin pale and freckled and her eyes bleary. But it was more like a constant attempt not to embarrass himself when she woke up like that looking so adorable and feeling so soft and warm and real. In reality, they were still dancing around possibilities. While she'd forgiven him for how badly he'd treated her that didn't mean she still loved him. Or had ever loved him. Perhaps that look in her eyes had been nothing more than attraction. Just like that dream had been nothing more than attraction.   
Lucy and Jiya were planning to make a trip so Lucy could practice and Lucy was having a sort of final test before they went out for real. Lucy’s hands moved over the controls as she nearly flawlessly ran through the steps to pilot the Lifeboat. Jiya only gave her a few instructions and prompts. Mason had started helping him to fix the Lifeboat and figure out what was going on beyond the tangle of wires and controls. This part wasn’t unfamiliar even if the Lifeboat was considerably more complicated than a car. Something like confidence, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, started to reemerge.   
"This craft is not exactly seaworthy anymore," Mason said sadly as he ran his fingers over the Lifeboat's battered exterior. They’d begun making updates and renovations but it wasn’t easy. They didn’t have the funds or the well stock Mason Industries plant. Denise’s pleading for funding had gone unanswered.   
“Will it keep working?” Wyatt asked.   
"I hope," Mason said. "We're doing our best."  
That was comforting. The exhilaration over Lucy faded as he realized how thin a string their whole existence hung on. They were fighting a nearly losing battle with Rittenhouse. Rittenhouse was winning. Emma was winning.  
He wondered what kind of world the Lucy of the Sao Paulo bar had lived in. What kind of person must she have been to cut into the grief-laden mind of Garcia Flynn and convince him to steal a time machine? In any possible universe, Lucy Preston was absolutely breathtaking and impressive. What must have compelled her to break all the rules of time travel to give him that journal? Perhaps it had been the pure necessity of the dire circumstances she'd been under that she'd taken this last-ditch effort to rewrite history.   
“She’s going to do it.” Wyatt whirled around to find the very person he’d been thinking of standing there.  
"She sure is," Wyatt replied.  
At that moment Denise walked into the room. Jiya and Mason were talking softly while examining some small part of the Lifeboat. Lucy was still inside going over the controls for the hundredth time. Wyatt tensed as he saw a look in Denise’s face he’d never seen before except in 1981 when she’d been a young woman. Panic.   
“I’ve been transferred.” She announced. The room fell silent.  
“What about Rittenhouse?” Wyatt asked. Had Denise been transferred because Homeland thought Denise hadn’t been effective enough?   
“They don’t believe that Rittenhouse poses a threat to national security. The team has been formally disbanded.” Denise said.   
So this was it. They were finished. Rittenhouse had won. Well, at least technically. On paper. That didn’t mean any of them were actually finished. They glanced around at each other. Lucy, pale but resolute sitting there perched on the open side of the Lifeboat. Mason and Jiya clutching the bits of material even more closely. Flynn looked completely unsurprised or fazed. He was used to being on the other side of the law. Wyatt didn't know what to do. Technically he was Delta Force. Now he was about to be reassigned. Unlike the rest, he had a duty outside of the team. Well, to hell with it.   
“What about you?” Jiya asked at last.  
“I resigned. I told them I wasn’t going to see Homeland turn into a place that cages up kids and lets a terrorist organization prosper because they don’t have foreign-sounding names." Denise sighed. "So I'm unemployed."  
"So are all of us," Lucy said.  
"Wyatt, you'll have to contact Pendleton for your orders. Most likely you'll be shipped out within the week." Denise's eyes lingered on his. He felt a rush of something like love at the fond look on her face. It was like his mother was saying goodbye.  
There was a choked sound behind him. It had to be Lucy. No one else would care enough to make such a sound. A year ago he might have welcomed this. This was a chance to forget and to bury his grief over Rufus in constant work. To find the most dangerous work he could think of. To make a deal with death or oblivion. But now…he’d just begun to find hope. It was being snatched away. That was considering that Rittenhouse now had free rein to do whatever the hell they wanted to. God, this was a mess.  
“I’m not giving up. We’re going to keep fighting. Regardless of who leaves.” Flynn glanced at him. The look clearly indicated that he was sure Wyatt was leaving and good riddance if he did.   
“We are.” Lucy stood up. “It’s just…going to be more difficult.”  
"I'm not going. I'm not leaving you. They can dishonorably discharge me. They can court-martial me. I'm not leaving." The instant he said it relief flowed through him. They no longer had a hold over him. Was he really going to let Rittenhouse win? The group, which had broken his heart and destroyed history without a second thought?  
“Wyatt, I can’t help you. You could spend years in jail.” Denise came forward. “I know you have a personal connection to the team. But…perhaps it’s better if you go until you can get discharged formally.”  
“It’s not good enough. The US Army, the government is all full of these Rittenhouse goons, and I don’t want to be part of a group that thinks this is ok.” He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as he remembered Rufus. He remembered Jessica as she was before. He remembered Lucy being captured.   
“I do know one solution. Declare him dead. I mean, on a mission, there wouldn’t be a body anyway.” Jiya’s voice startled them all.   
Denise shook her head, "That'd be very illegal. But…I guess continuing to chase after a terrorist organization even after you've pulled off the case is also illegal. Wyatt, is that all right?"  
He hesitated. Jiya’s family had been quietly told she was still alive and she still communicated with them. He didn’t have any family left. Slowly he said, “I don’t have anyone who’d really know if I lived or died so yeah, declare me dead. Be sure to deliver a touching eulogy.”   
“What will we do about money? Or like keeping the Lifeboat powered? Or anything else.” Jiya crossed her arms across her chest.   
“I have some property. I got it in a will. Apparently, despite my ‘failures' as a daughter my mother still wrote me into her will. And I've sold it and taken the money. I could buy some property in a remote corner of the world for cheap and we could set up shop there.” Lucy stepped forward and added, “I mean I know it’s Rittenhouse money and tainted but…that would be the most ethical way to spend it.”  
"I think, I think that's best. I'll help you, Lucy. I know people who can help you to convert that cash into the property without leaving a paper trail. I'll also help you with locations." Denise straightened and said, "This mission is both unprecedented and illegal. We have no authorization from the government. We are tacitly acting against the government. If anything goes wrong we have no one to depend on but ourselves. If anyone is uncomfortable or unwilling to do this then…now is the time to say it. I don’t want anyone who isn’t 100%.”  
"I'm in," Lucy responded automatically. "I'm not the person I once was. I don't think I could ever just go back to teaching as if nothing ever happened."  
"I'm in," Jiya said. "Until we stop Rittenhouse we can't focus on getting Rufus back."  
“So am I. I made my deal with them. And I’m not willing to let those people who killed Rufus not suffer for their crime.” Mason shook his head.   
“This is hardly new to me.” Flynn shrugged. “Operating outside of the law is my specialty. I fear you all will need pointers. The trick is to hire a lot of loyal criminals."  
Wyatt couldn't resist rolling his eyes but the motion didn't have the sting and everyone knew it. The truth was that Flynn was right. He'd been right from the beginning even if his methods of achieving it had been seriously messed up. “I’m in. I’ve lost too much to Rittenhouse to give up now.”  
“Then it’s decided.” Denise sighed heavily. “I’d never have dreamed of this. Not in a million years. I always thought…that despite its problems the US would somehow make the right decisions. Now…now I’m not so sure.”  
“The US has always made a lot of mistakes, honey.” Denise smiled a little as her wife put her arm around her. “I trust you. We all do. You’ve fought so hard for the right thing.”  
“I guess we’re packing again.” Jiya stood up and moved towards the hallway. Her footsteps slowed as she turned back. “This feels like a really bad dystopian young adult novel. I’m waiting for Katniss to emerge and call for a revolution.”  
"Tell me about it. I'm supposed to be dead, remember?" Wyatt gave her a small smile before he walked towards his own room. It was all so…confusing. Politics and red tape had never been his strong suit. He'd always been the reckless hothead who'd done what he wanted rather than the thoughtful, prudent response. He'd also generally obeyed his orders or at the least the spirit of them. But this, this was going completely off the grid; this was crazy and confusing and frankly terrifying. He’d no longer be Delta Force. He’d be “dead” and a fugitive. He’d be…what? He’d be part of a desperate band of time travelers. A man without a country, family or home.   
He heard footsteps behind him and whirled around to find Lucy coming towards him. Her face was set as she flew into his arms. He was caught off balance at the unexpected embrace. “Wyatt, you don’t have to stay.”   
“Why wouldn’t I?” He replied. You are the only family I have. You and the rest of the team. But especially you. You, Lucy Preston, own me.   
"Because it's different for you. You're not personally involved like I am. Or Flynn or Jiya." Lucy's gaze flickered away from him. He found himself pulling away, anger flaring into a hot blaze. He rarely got seriously angry with her. He got angry over missions, they still had plenty of arguments over that, but they had other people to smooth things over and besides, it wasn't personal. But this, this was different.  
“So you think I’m just going to walk away because…because what.” He challenged.  
"You were going to do it before," Lucy spoke quietly. "I'm not blaming you. I know how much Delta Force means to you. And this mission is a spectacular mess."  
The anger seethed right under the surface. He looked down at her. Her face was pale and drawn again and suddenly he felt the anger ratchet up as he faced her. He was mad at her but even madder at himself forever making her call into question his loyalty. “I didn’t want to. I don’t think I could have gone through with it. Leaving you…the team. I don’t think I could have done it.”  
“Even for your child?” Lucy looked up. Her face crumpled for a second. “I know you and I know you’d do anything for your child. I know.”  
“You’re right. But Lucy…things aren’t the same. I don’t have a child. I don’t have anyone. My family is my team. If I died no one outside of some old Army buddies and a few people from my old town would even come to my funeral.”   
She nodded, her face still wreathed in shadows and her eyes fixed on the floor. “Lucy, do you trust me?”  
This was the make or break moment. Would she say yes? Would she hesitate? But her face cleared and she nodded vigorously before clearing her throat and saying firmly, “Yes, I do.”  
“Well, then ma’am, I’m not going anywhere. I guess we’re stuck with each other.” He wondered if he’d come on too strong but she nodded. His anger was fading but it still lingered. The anger felt like the angry buzz of a bunch of hornets just under the surface. Unexpectedly she started to move aside. He reached for her blindly remembering that hug she planted on him right before all hell broke loose. It was the first time since he’d reached for her first without some knowledge she'd accept his embrace. She stood stalk still as his arms settled around her waist. She instantly melted against him, her softness hardened by training but still unmistakably Lucy. His hand drifted up her back to cradle her neck. “It’s gonna work out. We’re going to win this thing.”  
“I know you well enough to know when you’re bull shitting.” Lucy laughed softly against his chest.   
“I’m not. I’m just refusing to admit the possibility of defeat.” Wyatt replied. “ A good soldier never believes he’ll lose the war. Maybe a battle but not the war.”   
"I'm not a soldier," Lucy answered.  
“You are. One of the finest I’ve ever worked with. Brave, stubborn, loyal, and intelligent. I'd have been proud to serve alongside you anywhere.”  
Lucy laughed again and looked up, “Wyatt, I’m a clumsy historian.”  
“Yes, you are. But you’re a badass warrior queen too. So it all evens out.”  
She nodded but was clearly unconvinced. Wyatt tried to wrack his brain for something to convince her that she was…was worthy. Was exactly as tough and amazing as he thought. But she only stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his cheek. The kiss lingered, warming his skin before she stepped back and said, “I guess I’m going to pack.”  
The touch of her lips electrified him. It was a little pathetic considering it was just a peck on the cheek but the slow-moving intimacy they'd built between each other felt so much stronger than before. He knew her, as he hadn’t before. He saw her anger and strength behind the soft exterior. He saw her vulnerabilities, her tendency to hide instead of fight for her own happiness, and most of all he saw her cracked and broken heart. He wanted to repair the damage he’d done. That was impossible. The only thing left was to glue the patches on and hope the wound would heal.   
He went to bed without her. She’d not come to him and part of him wondered if somehow that intimacy was being withdrawn. She'd begun to see her own walls crumbling and was backing way back to safety. But then late in the night, she came in. Her face was pinched and drawn with sadness as she fairly collapsed into his arms. "I dreamed you were gone. And no matter how hard I searched I couldn't find you. Then I started hearing echoes. It was your voice. Taunting me. Telling me how stupid and worthless and foolish I was.”   
“It was just a dream.” His fingers tangled in her hair.  
“I know. But it felt so real.” Lucy shuddered and went still.  
"They always do."   
Lucy nodded but her body still shook. “I can’t do this. I feel like I can’t breathe.”  
“Come on, Luce. Lay down.” He moved to the edge of the bed to allow her to lie down fully on her back. Carefully he arranged her until she lay relaxed and limp. He ran his fingers through her hair, massaging her neck. “Just breathe. In and out. Breathe.”  
“Wyatt Logan doing weird meditation? What’s next? Moving to Nepal to become a Buddhist Monk?” She gave him a tiny smile before closing her eyes again. He almost laughed. His thoughts were definitely not suitable for any monk regardless of religion.  
"No, and for your information, they taught a lot of stuff in the military. Like focusing and clearing your mind of distractions." Like you. That never really worked, did it?  
“Hmm…you keep digging yourself in, Logan. I might even start to think you’re something more than a pretty face, Mr. I know four languages.” She was definitely smiling now. It was amazing seeing a smile on her face after all the pain of the previous year.  
“Stop talking.” He ordered but without any bite too it. Getting Lucy to shut up wasn’t easy. Her whole life was about her verbal skills.   
She actually lay down and breathed for a few minutes longer until the attack passed. Silently she pulled him down beside her and laid her head on his shoulder. “Thank you. For helping me over this hump.”   
It was only two words but the tone said it all. They needed each other.   
“Any time, ma’am. Any time day or night. Present or past.” Her eyes flickered shut as he spoke. Her breathing slowly evened out.   
The next morning they got started on the move to a new safe house. Wyatt did a quick search of his name to find that a few people had posted on his Facebook page (one he hadn’t updated in years) condolences after his death. He noticed Jessica’s family had put information to a memorial service. He was suddenly overcome with a stabbing pain or something like regret. She was dead. This time for real. Memories of the old Jessica, the one that had loved him, filled his mind. Her smile when she won a bowling game, her perfume, the sound of her voice and the way she loved people. He felt guilty thinking about her because of Lucy. Lucy deserved so much better. She deserved so much better than anything anyone of them could offer.   
They selected a property in Mexico in a remote part of the country where few outsiders traveled. The people didn’t ask too many questions about the origins of the money. There was more packing and preparing. And then the long drive to get there. Once again they were all seized with the memories of how Rufus wasn’t there. How they were wasting all this energy on fighting Rittenhouse and not getting him back. Wyatt focused his mind on the journey and strategizing with Denise over how to stay out of Rittenhouse’s radar. Emma’s less frequent jumps meant they were constantly a few steps behind.   
It was hard to remember that nearly a year and a half had passed since Rufus had died. They were once again on the road. Lucy sat beside him in the car leaning back and closing her eyes. She'd take over later in the afternoon and they'd take a break overnight. This journey didn't need to be rushed. If Emma jumped then Jiya would bring the Lifeboat around and they'd make their move. As it was this would be the last time they were in present-day US soil for some time. Might as well say goodbye.  
"I want to do something reckless tonight," Lucy said. He couldn't suppress a laugh.  
“You reckless? That’s my wheelhouse, Dr. Preston. Have you done anything reckless in your whole life?”   
“Yeah, I have. I mean my job. Just about the most reckless thing ever. And some other stuff.” Lucy stumbled over the last part. Had she been talking about Hollywoodland?   
“What reckless thing do you want to do? Rob a bank?” Wyatt grinned at her.  
“Go out and pretend we’re normal people. Go to a bar and get drunk.”   
“Ok.” He said. Lucy looked surprised.  
“You’ll do it?” She asked.   
“Sure. When have I ever turned down whiskey?”   
“I was sure someone would try to stop me. Tell me to be responsible. Sometimes my mother’s voice is in my head reminding me of how much I’ve failed her.” Lucy gave a slight shake of her head. “I just want to be that girl who joined a band and had fun and didn’t worry about evil terrorist groups. I know once we get there it’s going to be all business. I just want to say goodbye to the person I used to be.”  
“You still are that person. Just like this person was always inside of you. You’ve always been badass. And you’re always going to be kind and caring. It’s just who you are.” She nodded but he could see she wasn’t convinced.  
"Just like you are still a reckless hothead even if you have sobered up a bit." Lucy pulled her sunglasses up but he knew she wasn't finished. "In all seriousness, Wyatt, I know you've changed. And in a good way. You aren't quite as reckless and you listen better."  
Her praise touched him. It was impossible to know what to say so he just shrugged and smiled at her. The drive was a long one. He flipped on the music and listened to her sing. Her voice was gorgeous. It had been years since he heard her sing. It didn’t matter that she was singing the latest cheesy pop song it sounded perfect. “You could still drop all of this and become a pop star.”  
“I wish. But this, this fighting Rittenhouse, that’s my destiny. And I’m not running away from it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I think it makes sense Wyatt wouldn't immediately pick up exactly why Lucy was so embarrassed and left so quickly. As a woman, she probably has an easier time hiding her sexy dream. It definitely makes an impact on him.   
> Rittenhouse managing to formally get the team disbanded felt to me like the easiest thing to break them down. But of course, the team doesn't work that way. Wyatt giving up Delta Force to basically fight against his own government is pretty significant. I think it's the point where he is kind of forced to give up some of his own privileges. That scene with him and Lucy is one of my favorites. He’s her biggest fan and really is proud of who she is. I like the contrast with him being the one to reach out for a hug.   
> Contrary to popular belief I think if Wyatt was so high in the military he probably was taught meditation. The military is actually really into that kind of thing because the science backs it up. And he probably started practicing it more when he got into therapy. Lucy really needs it. She’s stuck in her head all the time. They both need to learn to shut off their thoughts for a little bit. Lucy is getting a panic attack just like she did in 1944. And just like then he’s able to help her over the hump.  
> I thought that Wyatt was sure to think about OG Jessica sometimes but he’s now guilty because he does love Lucy. She doesn’t blame him though. When you lose someone you love you are bound to think of them.  
> I think Lucy’s plan to get drunk might not be such a good idea. But then again she has a ton of things on her mind she’s too afraid to explore. It’s possible getting drunk will make her less afraid to explore them. But we’ll see.


	24. Chapter 24 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kissed her- her whole body shivered   
> Like the branch of an almond blossoms in the wind  
> Like the moon, like a star trembling on the water…  
> And on a colorful morning I shared a bed with the meaning of love  
> Partaw Naduri

She took over the wheel from him later in the afternoon. He said he wasn’t tired but Lucy was insistent. They hit the usual gridlock and decided to stop in LA for the night. “City of stars, are you waiting for me? City of stars….” She began to sing.  
"I hated that movie," Wyatt commented.  
Lucy looked surprised. “You saw it? Doesn’t seem like your type of movie. I liked the music but the story was kind of meh.”  
“Rufus has a thing for musicals. And Jiya loved it.” Wyatt replied.  
“You crashed their date?” Lucy asked laughing hysterically.  
“No, this was one of those team movie night things. Jiya picked the movie. You couldn’t come because you were sick.”   
"I remember now." Lucy swallowed hard remembering Rufus and how he'd been humming the songs for weeks afterward. Even if he had complained that the white guy was "saving" jazz.  
“Why didn’t you like the movie?” she asked.  
“That ending. I mean I’m not really a musical fan but my grandma used to watch old reruns of all those vintage movies. Like Singing in the Rain, ya know? But that ending…”  
“Funny, I thought the only thing they did right was the ending. I don’t believe in all that True Love crap. The soul mate stuff. I heard a study once that having a partner makes you happy for exactly two years.” Lucy wondered if the bitterness in her tone was too obvious. Love had come to her but it had kicked her heart in leaving her more convinced than ever that it led to pain, not joy. The joy was fantastic, it’s true, but the resulting pain wasn’t worth it.   
She saw the flash of something like pain hit him. She always forgot he was the hopeless romantic. The one who’d spent years pining after a dead woman. The one who’d done everything in his power to bring her back? “I see you haven’t changed your mind.”  
“Nope,” Lucy replied. “Now more than ever. Finding out my mother cheated on my father in all timelines. Je…” Lucy zipped her lips realizing she’d been about to say Jessica. Jessica was a topic they never talked about. Not her death, the baby she might have been pregnant with or anything. It hurt too much.   
“Maybe you’re right about the whole thing. Just in one area. You can move on. Find happiness.” He gave her a small smile. “I want to see you happy, Lucy. You’ve looked so sad.”  
"You haven't exactly been Captain Sunshine yourself," Lucy commented. They both laughed because the moniker had been ridiculous.  
"So, Captain Sunshine," Lucy drawled feeling herself grin, "How bout that date with the whiskey? Want to hit some of my college haunts?"  
His eyebrows raised as her somewhat suggestive words struck her. Oh, God, this was not a good idea. She'd just had a sexual dream about him for goodness sake. And she was back in LA. The site of their fantastic and doomed night 77 years ago. This was such a bad idea. Lucy got, well, for lack of a better word, touchy-feely when she was drunk. She also lost her strictly controlled filter. She wasn't sure what kind of drunk he was. Probably an angry drunk judging from his comments in the past. Part of her wondered if getting super drunk would make it easier. If the pain wouldn't be so bad if the liquor gave her courage. If it would drown out her memories as well.   
“Of course.” He looked as it was a shock to even contemplate anything else. They’d all been outfitted with fake ID’s courtesy of Agent Christopher and Flynn. Flynn wasn't a former NSA agent for nothing. The new cards were carbon copies of the original. Lucy turned off the freeway and began driving toward one of the hotels her mother had stayed at when she occasionally visited Lucy at school. It reminded Lucy of the blissful drive from LA to San Francisco to break Flynn out of jail. She’d been so stupidly high on Wyatt Logan and their night together she’d forgotten to be afraid. Now Lucy recognized that the fear would have cropped up. It might have taken a few days but she’d have spent her whole time staring over her shoulder waiting for that moment to arise. Imagine if she and Wyatt had gotten truly serious. Imagine if she’d have had him ripped away from her after they’d spent months together, or years.   
" Here we are," Lucy commented. The hotel was surprisingly low key for a place her mother stayed in. Perhaps because he mother was always thrifty and used to business style hotels after all those historical conferences.  
It was simple to book a room. Lucy tried not to freak out as she booked a single room. This was definitely not usual behavior for two co-workers or even two former lovers. The truth was she spent more time in his bed than her own recently. Sleeping had become a chore. And when she was near him she could actually sleep, sometimes. What was the point of getting two beds or two rooms if she'd been sleeping with him anyway? There was no one here that knew her or cared. She was basically a dead woman. Lucy Preston, celebrated historian and professor, was dead. Lucy Preston, badass time traveling historian and a complete fuckup, was alive. This was far too complicated for her.  
"So dinner? And then that bar hopping you promised?" Wyatt asked. Lucy nodded. Mason was coming later in the night. His driving wasn't quite as speedy as Lucy and Wyatt and he'd hit the notorious traffic. Lucy wondered if she should invite him on her drinking adventure. Perhaps if he got there soon enough she would. Jiya was already at her destination and emailing her about setting up the mobile hotspot. Apparently, their new accommodations were much more spacious than their previous haunts. Also more rustic, whatever that meant.  
They had dinner at an old favorite of Lucy. A Chinese place with greasy food and as far from authentic as possible. It was a good thing Jiya wasn’t around. Jiya was a stickler for authentic Chinese food after spending three years in Chinatown. Her Chinese was also very good even if she did sound a little antiquated to a modern audience. Lucy let herself enjoy this moment. They’d go back to their usual life of crime fighting and dodging ghosts but for this moment she wanted to bask in the glory of this moment.  
It was so different than their Hollywoodland retreat even if it occurred only a short distance away. They were dressed in faded jeans and t-shirts with a plate of cheap and greasy food and no glitter or glamour. She didn’t have a stitch of makeup on. There was nothing obscuring her from view. Nothing to hide behind, not even songs. And they’d been to hell and back in the last year and a half. They’d lost their dearest friend, gotten their hearts thoroughly broken and grown strong. She remembered that glorious kiss in Hedy Lemarr’s guesthouse. How she’d pushed aside her doubts and fears, those fears nearly insurmountable because she was Lucy Preston and there was no way this was happening to her, and she’d let herself go. She’d been a little shocked at herself. The way she’d gotten carried away and kissed the living daylights out of Wyatt. The surge of power that had filled her made the kiss that much more intense. It was like someone had lit a match under their noses and they’d both spontaneously burst into flames. The look of shock on his face and the muffled “wow” he’d whispered convinced her she’d done something right. Everything had moved rapidly after that. A muffled haze of zippers being pulled down and clothes shed and the gasps and moans neither of them had been able to contain. She’d known she was done for. This was ruining her. She’d never felt this way before. The decadence of the experience left her knowing that if he left her she’d have a hard time getting over this. Forgetting him. But then she’d known that for a long time. This was just a last nail in the coffin.  
She stood up abruptly unwilling to think about it any longer. That night had been her one foolish gamble where she’d put her heart on the line and look what happened. She’d gotten crushed. She needed a drink, badly. They hadn’t talked much over dinner. She found an old bar she’d gone to in college. They were way too old. Most of the kids were practically young enough to be her kids. She found a seat near the back and ordered vodka on the rocks. Wyatt ordered a whiskey.  
“I seem to remember that you used to only drink white wine.” He said. Lucy frowned. That’s right. He didn’t know her drinking habits. How she’d switched to hard liquor around the same time her life collapsed around her.   
“That was before.” She explained. The alcohol burned but it felt good. She looked around with interest. The students all looked so young, so carefree, and so stupidly happy. She knew appearances could be deceiving but she knew not one of them could understand exactly what they were going through. She tried imaging herself living the life she’d expected. A respectable husband, maybe a couple of kids and a house and tenure. Her sister happy and alive. 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. The perfect life. She glanced at her companion and sighed. Who was she fooling? What if she had gone through with that? Married some guy like Arnold Harper and ended up living a life of casual, disconcerting boredom. Flynn had been right. She was meant to be more than a teacher. Teaching had been fun. But something inside of her had yearned for this life. And what if she’d met Wyatt while living her boring respectable life pleasing her mom and trying to color inside the lines? Would he have rocked her world as completely? Would she have ever stepped foot on the Lifeboat if she’d been in that position? Probably not.   
"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked giving her one of those signature smirks. She shrugged hopelessly.  
"I guess I'm trying to imagine myself following my plan," Lucy admitted.  
“What plan?” He asked.  
“The 2.5 kids and white picket fence plan. The worst of it was I didn’t really want the kids, the fence or the husband. I just wanted the security of having a normal life. I guess I didn’t really stop to consider nothing is normal.” Lucy swallowed hard. Once Wyatt had that. No kids but he and Jessica planned to have them. Would have had them if not for Rittenhouse. And she was dismissing kids. He’d hate her for sure. But Lucy couldn’t imagine bringing a child into a world where they could get killed like Iris Flynn or erased like Amy.   
"Normal is overrated." He glanced over at her. Lucy finished her drink and began feeling the telltale buzz. She couldn't stop looking in his eyes. They were like magnets.  
“Has anyone told you have the prettiest eyes ever?” Lucy only realized she’d said it aloud when he laughed.   
“You’ve never said it before.” He challenged. Lucy ordered another drink. “For the record, your eyes look like…chocolate.”   
“Is that a good thing?” Lucy blinked at him. The room was starting to feel a bit hazy as she took an overly large swallow of her drink. She was a lightweight when it came to liquor but not as much as before.   
“Very good. I like chocolate.” Lucy swayed slightly on her stool. If it was possible to undress someone with just their eyes he was doing that now. And she, she was doing it too. He reached over and wrapped his arm around her until she was leaning against him. He smelled like whiskey and whatever weird shampoo he used. Something minty. She wanted to bask in it. His breath tickled her neck and she remembered that dream. Damn, why did she feel this way? It was so much more than pure attraction. Certainly more than a vodka induced dream. She took another swallow of her drink. She’d drained the second glass when he paid for their drinks. She’d had some wine with dinner so she was now more than a little tipsy. She still knew enough to know she wasn’t drunk. Her brain was still in control even if she was having some trouble standing up straight.   
“I don’t want to go,” She wined.  
“You’re pretty tipsy right now.” He told her. “You’ll thank me tomorrow.”   
Lucy frowned. She didn't want someone telling her to stop drinking. Instead, she picked up his half-finished drink and drained it in a couple of huge gulps. It burned on the way down. She gagged at the taste. At least vodka didn't taste like much. He looked at her as if she'd grown three heads. She pressed her hand to her mouth and wiped it clean of the remnants of whatever liquor remained.   
“Stop telling me what to do. I want to do something stupid right now.” She closed her eyes and leaned forward until her face was almost touching his. Her foot caught on the leg of the table and she almost face planted. That wasn’t too unusual. She was always clumsy.   
“Easy there, Luce. Let’s go.” His arm tightened around her waist as he helped her up. Lucy swayed on her feet but kept her balance mostly. He was sober enough to drive the few blocks to the hotel. Lucy couldn’t stop giggling softly. It felt delicious to laugh freely. For once ghosts didn’t haunt her. He grinned at her. “I know this is liquor talking but it’s nice to see you happy.”  
She unexpectedly threw herself into his arms and whispered softly, “You’re so hot.”  
She wasn’t sure if she was talking about his body temperature which was blessedly warm against her suddenly chilled body or his physical attractiveness. Probably both. She knew she could blame her unexpected boldness on alcohol. “Luce…” His breath came out in a ragged exhale.  
She wanted to kiss him. Badly. She racked her brain trying to think of reasons not to. She tipped her head and pressed her lips to his. It was like finally breathing after holding one’s breath for long minutes. She was uncoordinated and clumsy but she didn’t care. He tasted like whiskey and she moaned softly as the kiss turned heated. His arms wrapped around her waist tightly pressing her against him as closely as the divider in the car would allow. It was a different kiss from Bonnie and Clyde. It wasn’t fake. And it was different from their first real kiss. This one was a whiskey kiss, decadent, completely unexpected and probably the worst idea she had in years.   
He pulled away first resting his head against her forehead, “Let’s uh…get out of here.”  
Lucy wondered what would the harm in going up to her, their, room and continuing where they left off. Except this was a horrible idea. She felt herself fumble getting out of the car. He helped her with a hand to her elbow. She managed to get to the elevator before she sagged against him again. “I just want to forget.”  
“God, I wish I could.” She wasn’t sure who started this kiss. It was just as awkward as if both of them had lost the ability to kiss. It was as if they’d gone back into their teen bodies and they were those awkward, hormonal and insecure teens they once were. Intensity flowed between them. Lucy closed her eyes and surrendered to whatever feeling was flowing through her. She felt alive for the first time in a long time.   
She managed to lurch towards the hotel room without falling or otherwise embarrassing herself. She fumbled with the keycard, which he inserted into the lock. The door swung open and she dragged him inside before shutting the door with a bang. At least she attempted to do that before he stopped her. “I’m not coming in, Lucy.”  
“I only got one room.” She said in confusion. Her brain was fogged with lust and longing. She wanted this but she was so afraid. Her head cleared a little and she said, “I mean, I’m not sure what I mean.”  
"You're drunk," Wyatt said. He helped her to the bed and sat her down before walking over to the bathroom sink and refilling her water bottle with water. She drank some water and began to feel her head clear a little more.  
"I didn't…I just thought it is a waste. I wasn't…" She blushed even though it was silly. She wasn't a shy person.  
“Trying to seduce me.” He laughed a little awkwardly. Lucy nodded gratefully. A part of her mind called out her lie. Hadn’t she known from the moment she got the room and purposed drinking something like this would happen? She had been. She just couldn’t admit that.   
“Come on, Luce.” He helped her remove her shoes and then placed her in bed. He took the blanket and smoothed it over her before taking the waste paper basket and placing it by the bed. He moved towards the bathroom and through the haze of exhausted slumber she could hear the shower running. He emerged again and put on a jacket before sitting down in the armchair presumably to sleep.   
“Come sleep.” Lucy roused herself enough to pat the other side of the bed. “It’s comfortable.”  
“I’m not sure…” He began. Lucy impatiently patted the bed.  
“Come.” She all but ordered.   
"Ok, you win, Luc." His eyes softened as he crawled in beside her. She wondered if he was angry with her. She didn't worry long though. Within a few minutes, she was gravitating towards him her cold body seeking the warmth his provided.  
Lucy woke up with a splitting headache and a rolling stomach. She groaned as she slowly sat up. This time she didn’t throw up. She just felt awful. The room was mercifully dark from those dark curtains. Wyatt was already up and standing by the window. “You ok, there?”  
“Why did I do this again?” She moaned out.   
“You wanted to let loose.” He said. “Let’s get you some coffee and food.”  
“Ugh.” Lucy moaned. “I don’t want food.”  
“You’ll need it.” He said.   
Lucy remembered the night before all too clearly. She hadn’t been drunk enough not to remember. Had she really thrown herself at him like that? God, how embarrassing. “We didn’t. I didn’t…do anything weird?” Lucy asked. She knew pretty well what she had done but it made her feel less embarrassed to pretend she didn’t know.   
“No, of course not. You were fine. Little stumbles but fine.” He gave her a slight smile and watched as she crawled out of bed and let her head clear.  
Lucy couldn’t help compare his response to Flynn’s. It was a difference in temperament but that joke hadn’t been entirely to her taste. She’d just gone with it though. She remembered the night before with vivid detail. The sloppy, uncoordinated kisses. Calling him hot. Her cheeks flushed as she realized that all the alcohol did was give her the courage to do what she’d wanted to do for a long time.   
They got breakfast at that little greasy spoon diner that was frequented by hoards of college students. Lucy chuckled in amusement at the wistful glances the little college student waitress was casting in Wyatt’s direction. He didn’t even notice. That surprised her because when he wanted to be flirtation he could turn on the charm. He forced the coffee, hash browns, and eggs down her despite her protests. Lucy's stomach still roiled but at least she felt a little clearer.  
They started back on the road. Lucy got into a long email chain with Jiya.   
Jiya: So how did your night go? ;)  
Lucy: Fine. I got wasted though. I’m still hungover ☹  
Jiya: No, I meant with Wyatt. I know you got drunk. He sent me a message early this morning.  
Lucy: Fine. Well, ok. I kissed him.  
Jiya: Do you regret it? It wasn’t just a drunk thing.  
Lucy: No. I don’t regret it. I just…just don’t know how to deal with it.  
Jiya: Stop thinking so much.   
Lucy: Me? Thinking too much?  
Jiya: He loves you. And you love him. Stop making it so complicated.  
Lucy: I can’t. I just can’t.   
Jiya: What you both need is a mind-blowing orgasm. Something to get yourselves out of your heads for five minutes.  
Lucy: Why did you make this dirty?  
Jiya: Please. He saw you without a bra about 1 hr. after you met. And those sex eyes you keep throwing at each other. I’m always third wheeling it on missions. Just please get it out of your system. You literally sleep together and cuddle and are basically married minus the paper and the sex.   
Lucy: Is it that obvious?  
Jiya: Yes. It is. Even Jessica knew it. She knew how much he loved you. She said as much as she stole me. And she knew how much you loved him even when he was being a selfish asshole.   
Lucy put her phone away praying her face wasn’t as red as she was sure it was. Wyatt was looking at the road and driving. They had hit the Mexican border and had hoped their fake ID’s wouldn’t land them in trouble. But they were fine. Lucy breathed a sigh of relief.  
“Is Jiya ok?” He asked. Lucy nodded. She wondered why Jiya was fighting so hard to bring them together. Maybe because her own happy ending hadn’t worked out?   
"Let me take over and drive for a while." She offered. The alcohol had finally started making it’s way out of her system after another meal and more coffee. He protested and they ended up arguing for a while.   
“Has anyone told you that you’re bossy as hell?” He gave her a half amused, half angry glance before switching places with her.  
“You. About a million times. I guess I get into Professor mode. Used to be the queen of my domain.” Lucy grinned. There was something about him actually doing what she said that got to her. It reminded her of her dream. It reminded her that she had a big strong, extremely hardheaded guy absolutely wrapped around her finger.   
“I’m sure that like half or more of your students had the hots for you. You probably got that chili pepper thing on Rate My Professor.” He gave her a wink as she eased back into traffic. Damn, he knew.   
“I hate that. My skills as a professor have absolutely nothing to do with my looks and besides relationships between students and teacher is absolutely forbidden.” Lucy knew she was rambling to cover her embarrassment.   
“I didn’t invent the website.” He grumbled.  
“I wasn’t like this. Not so badass and well, tough. I was totally under my mom’s thumb. I was too afraid to stand up for myself. The only thing I did do was refusing to teach politically correct BS. I was nerdy and awkward and constantly scared of my own shadow.” Lucy wondered at the woman who’d first walked into Mason Industries.   
“Not true. The minute I saw you I knew you were one fierce woman. You chew me out in like five seconds straight. I decided I hated you. You were prissy and bossy and didn’t know anything. But then I saw that you were strong. So damn strong. The strongest person I’ve ever met. And you were kind. So kind. Don’t ever call yourself a coward. Not back then or now. You were thrown into this with absolutely no training. You were a civilian. And frankly, they never should have sent you in there like that. There are historians at West Point."   
"You know why they picked me," Lucy commented. Her Rittenhouse legacy made her a prime choice. His frown told her all she needed to know. She wondered if he regretted falling for two Rittenhouse women. Except Jessica presumably hadn't been Rittenhouse in his timeline. And she was running away from her legacy.  
“If they expected you to just fall into line they were totally mistaken.” Lucy shrugged knowing how easily they could have manipulated her. Amy, Wyatt, Rufus and even her mother. They were all people Lucy would have died to protect. Any of the team really.   
They arrived at the new safe house late that night. Mason was already there. Perhaps their impromptu drinking session had cost them some time. Lucy glanced around the barren landscape and shivered. They were truly alone. There were people in towns but they had to steer clear of them in case someone recognized them. They stuck out like a sore thumb. It wasn’t a bunker either. The location was larger but even dingier. Even the walls seemed to have a disconsolate appearance.   
“Looks like the roof will leak. Fun.” Wyatt commented. “We’ll have to get up there and fix it.” He looked at Flynn. The night spent in the new house had been a horrible experience. The house was loud and creaky and made Lucy’s heart race with terror.   
“There are rats.” Jiya shivered and added. “I set a mouse trap. I hate rats.”  
Lucy suppressed a shiver of revolution. Wyatt once talked about eating a weird mouse like thing in the desert somewhere far away. She was a soldier now. That meant not freaking out over rats or spiders or leaky roofs. She bravely started unpacking her supplies and stowing them away in her closet.   
“You ok?” Lucy asked Jiya as she came in with a mousetrap with a tiny square of cheese.   
“Sure. It’s just hard. Every time we move it feels like we get farther away from Rufus.” Jiya sat on Lucy’s bed.   
Lucy didn’t know what to say. She finished putting her last dress away and turned to her friend. “You know it’s weird. How I feel like I’ve died. Technically I’m dead. I was declared dead. Lucy Preston doesn’t exist anymore.”   
“Neither do I. I just wish…” Jiya began.  
“Wish for what?” Lucy prompted.  
“Normalcy. No more visions. I’m getting them a lot. And they make no sense. I don’t talk about them. I write them down though. It’s kind of like that diary you’ll never write.” Jiya sighed.   
“You should have been the one to write the diary.” Lucy flopped down beside her. “I never can start it. I keep thinking about how I’m locking my own fate. I’m not the person who wrote that other journal. I’m a mess. I’m not badass and strong. That woman went through so much shit. She lost everything. I don’t want to go through that.”  
“You don’t have to be strong. You already are.” Jiya rolled over and looked at the wall. “Damn, I hate this place already. It feels so…far from home.”  
“Do you ever think about the world outside?” Lucy asked. “Cause for like 1 day we were out in the world. It felt weird to eat at restaurants and bars and go to hotels and sleep in clean sheets. It feels like life will never be normal.”  
Jiya smiled a little wistfully, "When we are done with this I'm going on vacation to some tropical paradise and spending all day on the beach. I'm going to swim, eat all the fish I want and get myself a massage. I'm going to talk to strangers, wear a bikini and go skydiving."  
“That sounds amazing.” Lucy sighed.   
“By the way. Notice this…” Jiya tapped the one wall. “Adjoining doors.”  
Lucy started in surprise, “Who?”  
“Wyatt.” Jiya grinned. “I’m down the hall. The rec room is next door on the other side. I thought you two might want these rooms.”  
Lucy shrugged. She was glad Jiya had been thoughtful but didn’t want to examine the possibilities too closely. She was scared. Terrified of losing things.   
“I better go and work some more on the formula. I’ve been taking notes on some ideas for weeks and it’s finally coming together.” Jiya sat up. “Be careful, Lucy. Those walls are thin.”  
Lucy’s eyebrows shot up. Jiya was serious which scared her even more. “I’m not like…that.” Lucy stammered. She wasn’t like Jessica who’d held her intimate relationship with Wyatt over Lucy. Lucy had never actually heard anything as her room was on the other side of the bunker but she’d heard enough from Rufus’s joke to know that he’d heard something and the thought made her a little sick.   
"I know." Jiya disappeared and Lucy went back to organizing her books. That night she tried sleeping alone. The night before hadn't gone well but Lucy was all too aware of the night before last. That kiss haunted her. Left her breathless. But the nightmares came on. She fought through them. She didn't need Wyatt. She was fine on her own. She could handle them on her own. She couldn't depend on him. If she did he'd be gone. That was the way the world worked. She wanted him. So badly. She wanted the comfort of his presence and the fire he always encouraged in her. She'd thought he was drowning her. He hadn't. He'd always encouraged her strength. She just hadn't recognized it. Perhaps he hadn't understood her. Perhaps others had understood her more back then. But it didn't mean she hadn't depended on him. And now…now she was so close to needing him again. And she wouldn't need him. She couldn't.  
Lucy tossed and turned, as her insomnia grew worse. Finally, she sat up and put on her slippers and robe. Tiptoeing out of her room she made her way to the kitchen. She nearly flew out of her skin when she saw a rat in the middle of the floor staring at her. God, she hated this place. The rat scurried away and Lucy filled the kettle. As she sat there slowly sipping her tea she made a decision. She needed to stop relying on other people to push her in the direction she wanted to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I have to agree with Wyatt. I didn’t like the ending of La La Land. Musicals should have happy endings. I feel like Lucy isn’t really a romantic and her experiences would make her less so. I don’t believe in the whole One True Love/Soulmates thing so I agree with her.   
> As much as I enjoyed Hollywoodland I sometimes think it was too picture perfect and romantic. They didn’t end up trusting each other. I feel like this time they’ve been through hell and back and are both more cautious and more trusting.   
> Lucy isn’t really drunk. She’s always clumsy so even a little alcohol makes her fall all over the place. But she's just tipsy enough that her anxiety lowers enough for her to get a kiss in. Honestly, it's about time. Jiya's a little cheeky and I love it. I feel like Jiya is just done with the UST and wants them to stop. I can understand. I love her and Lucy's friendship so much. I think both of them need that vacation. I'm totally down with a girls trip to the tropics.   
> Of course, Lucy's running scared but that's not lasting much longer. This story is almost over and I think you'll find the ending satisfying.


	25. Chapter 25 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> …take me with the   
> tenderness of your words  
> burn my fears  
> with the fire of your skin  
> Maria Clara Sharupi Jua
> 
> Note: This chapter veers towards the M rating at the start.

Lucy Preston was trying to kill him. Wyatt felt sure of it. She hadn’t forgiven him for hurting her and this was her revenge. She talked about how little she believed in love and it hurt like hell because she was his soul mate even if he wasn’t hers. You could have more than one. He hadn’t realized it was possible to fall so deeply for the second time. Her proposal to get drunk had trouble written all over it. But damn if he didn’t want to see her let loose a little. Smile, laugh even if it was just alcohol.  
Then she started flirting. Her warm eyes flicked over his face with deep interest before she said, “Has anyone told you have the prettiest eyes ever?”  
Wyatt tried to laugh but her unguarded expression was so damn beautiful. She had messy waves in her hair and her plain red t-shirt and jeans did nothing to disguise the fact that Lucy was just gorgeous. If they were alone, and not in a crowded bar, he’d be so tempted to pull her over into his lap and kiss her until she couldn’t breathe any longer. Run his fingers through that long thick hair or cup her face in his hands. If he did that he’d not let her go. He couldn’t. He was silently undressing her with his eyes but she didn’t seem to mind. If anything she was doing the same. The slight knowing smirk in those dark eyes and the way she bit her lip softly drove him crazy.   
Technically they were trying to be incognito. But she finished his whiskey with a challenge on her face. She was definitely not playing around. It took everything not to lean forward a little when she tipped her face so near to his. But then she stumbled, classic clumsy Lucy, and he managed to drag her away before she face planted.  
Getting into a car with a giggly and bright Lucy was an experience. It was nice to see her laughing and smiling. He couldn’t help smile back. He’d just parked when she unexpectedly threw herself at him in one of those bone-crushing hugs. He’d known what it was like to be inside her, see her fall apart under his tongue but nothing prepared him for the pure intimacy of her flinging herself at him like he was a life preserver.   
“You’re so hot.” She whispered. She really was trying to kill him. Her face was pressed against his shoulder, as she kept ineffectually moving closer except that the console was in the way. She was nuzzling his neck and whatever she was doing with her hands against his jaw ought to have been illegal.   
"Luce…" Her new nickname fell from his lips in a sigh. Then she moved to press her mouth to his in a heated kiss. She tasted like whiskey and something faintly sweet. It was intense, fierce, her mouth uncoordinated as she completely took over. He might be the sober one but she owned his ass and knew it. She performed her signature move of practically licking her way into his mouth and then bit down gently on his lip. It didn't really hurt but it sent a wave of heat straight through him.  
This was a bad idea. She was drunk and he was sober. He was taking advantage of her. When she wasn’t filled with alcohol she’d regret this. He knew she would. This meant nothing. It was just attraction, something which had never been lacking between them. From the first moment they’d seen each other sparks had flown. She was lonely and drunk and tired and…. He pulled her closer. She moaned softly as he tugged gently on her bottom lip. Slowly he softened the kiss. She took his lead her own mouth moving achingly tender. Then he pulled away resting his forehead against hers. It was a pointlessly romantic gesture he’d have scoffed at a few years ago. “Let’s uh…get out of here.”  
He could tell she misinterpreted his words by the slight look of dawning understanding on her face. She was already starting to worry. It was hard enough keeping her from tripping and falling but they managed to get to the elevator before she sank against him with a soft sigh, “ I just want to forget.”  
So that was it. It was perfect confirmation that this was nothing but a distraction to her. The alcohol, the kiss it was all just a desperate attempt to heal the aching wounds the world had created. He’d created. “God, I wish I could.”  
He wanted to forget his own failure and sins. Forget how he’d hurt her. Forget how Rufus was dead. Forget how Jessica had been turned into a monster. Forget everything. Her kiss was desperate and uncoordinated and honestly it was like both of them had forgotten how to kiss. It was strangely sweet for something so desperate.   
Lucy’s vulnerability was on full display as she sat on the side of the bed and tried to explain she hadn’t been trying to seduce him. They both knew she was lying. But that was Lucy all over. So damn bold until she started thinking and then she’d freak out and run back to safety. She was out like a light in about five minutes. Time for a shower. A very cold one. It felt creepy with her in the next room to fantasize about her warm body under the spray of the water but she hadn’t exactly been shy a few minutes before. The lingering warmth of her touch made it ridiculously easy to deal with this little problem. After stepping out of the shower and dressing he slipped back into the room. She was sprawled out on the bed looking pale and exhausted. He started to put a jacket on and settle himself in the armchair when she stopped him and practically ordered him to get into bed with her.  
It wasn’t seduction. Her soft pleading voice was all too vulnerable. It was about nightmares and ghosts and he couldn't deny her this. She curled up against him so gently it was as if the harsh kisses earlier had never happened. He wrapped an arm around her waist and sighed. Sometimes in moments like these, he fancied she loved him but was too afraid to say it. Other times the lingering tone of her voice as she told him Hollywoodland had been a temporary thing and her saying she wanted to forget reminded him that she was far too good for a broken soldier like him. She'd finally figured it out. But she didn't exactly have a lot of options. Not even Dr. Noah with his adoring face and fancy house and memories of exotic vacations. She didn't have some pointlessly dull but kind professor type who'd surround her with first editions of her favorite books and take trips to Italy.  
Jiya sent him an email early the next morning. When he told her they’d be late because Lucy was sleeping off the alcohol he was surprised to see the frowny face appear on the screen. Jiya knew Lucy even better than he did when it came down to things like this. It was clear she was worried. Worried something had happened but too polite to ask. Lucy woke up in a tangle of blankets moaning and pressing a hand to her head.   
The new bunker was even shittier than their first one. It looked like a haunted house at a theme park. The rats were unpleasant but he was more worried about the roof leaking. The house was loud and even though he knew ghosts didn’t exist it still felt eerie to hear the creaking and moaning of an old place. His room was right next to Lucy’s and judging from the adjoining door Jiya had specifically set their rooms together. She must have known about their odd sleeping arrangement. Lucy didn’t come to him for two days. The kiss had been too much and now she was retreating.   
Trying to get settled in the new place was difficult. The power was intermittent making it difficult to set up the Lifeboat’s equipment. Connor, Jiya and him worked feverishly to set up the charging dock and computers and keep them from failing. Food was none too plentiful. There were wild animals all around and no one could go outside unarmed. Rittenhouse could be there but even more immediately dangerous was the potential for one of those animals to attack. Jiya and Lucy knew how to use a gun but Mason didn't. He'd have to be trained. If they didn't get supplies soon they'd be eating wild game and gathering whatever edible things they could forage.  
He'd just been working on repairing a bit of faulty wiring in the Lifeboat under Jiya and Connor's instruction when the telltale siren of the Mothership jumping tore through the air. "June 7, 1848."  
"It must have something to do with the 1848 election," Lucy commented. "Yes, that's the day Taylor won the Whig nomination against bigwigs like Henry Clay and Daniel Webster. Taylor was a complete nobody. He had no political experience but he was a popular general and the Whigs feared the Democrats would win if they didn't nominate someone popular. He wasn't even a member of either party. He was a pretty forgettable president; moderate on the issue of slavery compared to some and determined to keep the union together. Perhaps Emma wants him to lose the nomination to Clay so that Lewis Cass the democrat will win? Cass was a supporter of popular sovereignty and member of the Free Masons. He could be Rittenhouse.”  
Great. Another one of those complicated situations where they weren’t sure what Emma’s game plan was. Emma’s presence at the convention was a dangerous reminder of who she could be. Of what was at stake. Trudging through Philadelphia in 1848 reminded him exactly what could happen if they screwed this up. They couldn’t locate the sleeper agent. They couldn’t even locate Emma.  
Lucy and Flynn went off to try to stop her from damaging the nomination while he and Jiya started looking for the sleeper agent. They took off through a narrow alley. No sign of anyone. What was going on? Had Emma stopped using the sleeper agent strategy? He felt the familiar feeling of dread as they crouched behind the barrels and stared down the alley. There was a familiar tap-tap of bullets and Wyatt pulled Jiya behind him. She wasn’t dying or getting hurt. Jiya tried to wriggle free but obviously decided to stop fighting and pull out her own gun to cover the rear.   
Wyatt was shocked to find Lucy crouched behind a low wall firing at someone. “They got Flynn.” She gasped out. “I tried to stop it. But I got shot.”  
Wyatt ran forward but Lucy stopped him. "I'm fine. I'm wearing a special corset that's bulletproof."  
“Where did they take him?” Wyatt asked. Lucy pointed towards the stockyards in the distance.  
“Damn.” He turned back to Lucy and Jiya. “You two stay behind.”  
“No, you’re not going there alone.” Lucy stood up and grabbed his arm. “I’m going with.”  
"So am I," Jiya announced. Wyatt cast a doubtful look at them. He didn't want them in any more danger. But knowing them they wouldn't take any answer but go with.   
It took hours to find the stockyard and even longer to scan the perimeter and begin creeping through clearing each section as they went. The scent was nauseating and overpowering in the early summer day. There was no trace of either Flynn or Rittenhouse. Had Rittenhouse already taken him to the present or killed him? What if Rittenhouse had offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse? Bringing back his family. He could see a funny look in Jiya’s eyes and he wondered if she suspected as much.  
"I think I know where to look," Lucy announced at last.  
“Where?” Wyatt asked. She’d been unusually silent all this time.  
“The offices. They’d be empty this late at night.” Lucy pulled ahead to begin walking rapidly towards them.   
Clearing the room was slow work. He wasn’t equipped with the night vision scopes or tactical gear and Lucy and Jiya were untrained. This was incredibly hazardous. Step by slow step he made his way through each room. Empty. Maybe Lucy was mistaken?   
Then he saw it. The slightest trace of light under a door. Lucy stumbled in the darkness. The sound of gunfire erupted. Damn. He heard a gasping sound in the dark. Jiya. Panic filtered through him as he wondered if she too would go the way of Rufus. No, he couldn’t think that way.  
“Stay and take care of her.” He whispered to Lucy.   
Slowly he crept forward. The room was empty. At least he thought it was. The tiny shaft of light from the small candle revealed a dark mass in the corner. Flynn. Wyatt glanced around the room. It was empty. Flynn was bound and gagged and clearly unconscious. A quick check to his vitals revealed that he was alive and likely just knocked out. Wyatt left him long enough to go into the other room and get Lucy.  
“Jiya’s been shot. It’s just a flesh wound but it’s bad enough she won’t be able to pilot.” Lucy whispered.  
"You can do it," Wyatt said.  
“I can’t. I’m just a beginner.” She said frantically.   
“You are good enough. You were going on a test run anyway.” Wyatt put a hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her out of her panic.  
“Flynn’s been knocked unconscious. Do you have anything to help get him awake?” Wyatt hardly expected Lucy to carry anything like that. But he was surprised when she reached into a small pocket and pulled out a vial of something.  
“Smelling salts.” Lucy smiled and he almost laughed. Only Lucy would carry something like that around.  
Flynn nearly knocked him in the jaw coming to. Whatever smelling salts was it worked like a charm. Lucy helped him sit up and then said soothingly, “We need to get you and Jiya back.”  
"What happened to her?" He asked and Wyatt was surprised to see the genuine concern on his face.  
“She got shot in the shoulder. It’s just a flesh wound but she can’t pilot. So you’re stuck with me.” Lucy gave a smile that was clearly trying to be confident but failing completely.   
Wyatt couldn’t shake something like suspicion that Flynn had been nearly unharmed despite being captured by Rittenhouse. His head showed no trace of blunt force trauma and he’d been drugged not hit. Something was up.   
Jiya was bleeding but Lucy had tied a makeshift bandage around her arm. Wyatt handed her over to Lucy while he grabbed Flynn who looked like he was slowly coming too. “They drugged me those idiots.”  
“Was Emma here?” Wyatt asked.   
"No, just one of her minions," Flynn replied. Wyatt suspected he was lying. His usual snark was gone. He looked almost worried.  
It was nearly dawn by the time they got back to the Lifeboat. Jiya sank heavily into Lucy's seat and said, "I really, really want a painkiller now."  
“Me too.” Flynn gave a slight smirk as he pressed his hand against his forehead.  
“I just want to get us all home safely.” Lucy was shaking and looking like she was about to throw up.  
“Listen, Lucy Preston, you know what you’re doing. I want you to do it.” Jiya reached out with her free hand and clasped Lucy’s.   
“You’ll be fine, ma’am.” Wyatt could see her eyes connect with his. “You’ll get over this hump.” She breathed out on a sigh and gave a shaky nod.  
“No offense, but I’m not very confident about this shaky craft or your fears.” Flynn’s humor was back. But Lucy’s dirty look she cast at him made her sit straighter. Perhaps that was what she needed after all.  
It was a bumpy ride. Wyatt’s stomach felt like it was somewhere in the vicinity of the ceiling. The Lifeboat was much rockier since they’d come home from 1888 but Lucy’s lack of experience made it worse.   
“I’m sorry.” Lucy pressed a hand to her face and sagged forward. “It’s still difficult making a comfortable landing.”  
“You did great.” Jiya winced.  
Flynn had turned a pale green shade and Lucy reached under her seat for a bag. “Head injuries and time travel don’t mix.”  
Wyatt felt like puking himself. He tried holding his breath to avoid the smells of vomit and the stockyard and reached over to help Jiya who was having trouble unbuckling her seatbelt one-handed. Denise reached in and grabbed her. "You guys keep getting hurt. I don't know what to do with you. We don't have a doctor anymore."   
“How did you get home?” Connor asked.  
"Lucy brought us home," Wyatt said.  
Applause broke out as Lucy finally stepped out. Her face still looked pale and startled. But a soft grin lit up her face. She'd done something no one would have dreamed was possible a year and a half ago. She'd managed to bring them back. Safely.  
Wyatt stumbled out of the Lifeboat behind Jiya. Lucy was still shaking with lingering nervousness and it only got worse as Denise announced, “Somebody is going to have to help me bandage Jiya’s wounds and take care of Flynn.”  
“I’ll do it, ma’am.” Wyatt knew Lucy was still disgusted by blood. But Lucy surprised him by stepping forward.  
“I’ll help.” She said.  
Jiya’s wound wasn’t too severe and he and Denise got it covered and cleaned. Jiya took the offered pain reliever with an exclamation of relief. “Damn, we keep getting hurt.”  
Yes, we do. And I don’t like this. He'd just gone over to where Flynn was when he heard muffled voices on the other side of the curtain. He paused fighting the knee-jerk jealousy. In, out. A few breaths to control his hair fire trigger temper.  
“You saved my life, Lucy.” That must be Flynn.  
"We aren't losing any more of our team," Lucy said firmly. Her voice was tired and ragged.  
"You almost got shot yourself." Flynn's voice sounded weary and in spite of himself, Wyatt felt sorry for him.  
“I’m trying not to think about how close we got to dying. It makes things easier.” Lucy’s voice was obviously going for flippant but she failed and it just sounded panicked.  
“Well, keep trying. Can’t say it works.”   
“At least I’m improving the Piloting. Sorry about the rough landing.”  
“No, problem. I hope Jiya forgives me if I messed up her Lifeboat.”   
“That was Rufus having a problem. Jiya’s way more cool about things.” Lucy’s wistful tone indicated that she wanted Rufus back in all of his glory just as much as he did. Obsessive, weird jokes and all. That was part of the things he missed the most.  
Lucy started in surprise as she caught him and he hoped she wasn’t angry over his eavesdropping. She only shrugged and moved off to the kitchen. Wyatt found Flynn staring at the wall as if it was suddenly interesting. Something was up. Suspicion filled him as he pulled out a flashlight to point them in his eyes. Garcia Flynn was an excellent manipulator. But he wasn’t always a wonderful liar. And Wyatt knew he was hiding something.  
“You did see Emma, didn’t you?” Wyatt saw him flinch slightly. Bingo. For once he was needling Flynn instead of the other way around.   
“I did.” Wyatt was shocked that he answered truthfully.   
“And what did she say?” As he suspected Flynn didn’t have a concussion. It had been drugs that had knocked him out.  
“She offered a deal. Bring my family back in exchange for working for her.”   
“And…” Wyatt suspected he hadn’t taken her up on it. If he had Flynn would haven’t told him this. It would have been pretty stupid to admit that.  
"I spit in her face," Flynn grunted. "She thinks she can play god. Bring back family members like we're all god damn puzzle pieces. But I refuse to be a piece in her game."  
What would have happened if Jessica had been offered as a pawn back in the days when Rittenhouse was still a shadowy evil? Would he have joined them just to get her back? Probably. And that was what weakness was.   
“I refused because I know that someday I can travel back on my timeline and save Lorena and Iris.” Flynn hesitated. “I don’t want them back with Rittenhouse’s mark on them.”  
“No, you don’t.” Wyatt turned his head trying not to remember Rittenhouse’s Jessica’s evil. She’d set her mark on him in high school. She’d managed him for more than a decade.  
“ I got distracted from that goal. And now, now I’m more determined than ever. I will bring them back.” Flynn’s voice was firm as Wyatt sat there puzzling over the whole thing. What about Lucy? What about his obvious feelings for her?  
“I don’t…I can’t go back to them with all this blood on my hands. Remembering all the things I did. Not killing Rittenhouse. But kidnapping, trapping, all that. I want…when the time comes…not to remember.” There was a shocking amount of vulnerability in his voice. Wyatt remembered that time Flynn had kidnapped him and talked about their dead wives. He remembered talking about Lucy and her journal and her impatience with his grief. Surprisingly Flynn had actually agreed that Lucy was wrong. That getting over someone was impossible. Journal Lucy must have been in love with him. Otherwise, why would she have written about Jessica and her death? Specific details he’d not told Lucy.   
"When the time comes, we'll make sure that you can stay behind," Wyatt spoke more confidently than he felt. Would it ever be possible to bring back Lorena and Iris?  
“Don’t tell Lucy. She’s worried about preserving history.” Wyatt found himself smiling thinking of the anxious historian look she got in her eyes.   
“It will have to be done carefully. She’ll have to write her journal carefully. So that I won’t fail to do the things that have to be done.”   
Wyatt stood up, "Denise says to order you to bed. Apparently, she's now the doc around here."  
“I make no promises.” Wyatt turned to the door when a quiet voice forced him to turn around. “Thank you, Wyatt.”  
It was the first time either of them had a conversation that was remotely civil without some kind of snippy retort. It was disconcerting. Wyatt shrugged and said quietly, “ You’re welcome. And I hope…believe somehow you’ll get your girls back.”  
It was the first time a genuine smile actually touched Flynn’s face and for a second Wyatt could almost see the man he’d been before. The devoted family man who’d saved people’s lives and hadn’t been burned with Rittenhouse and vengeance. Slowly he turned away and stepped out into the hall. It was deserted. A quick check on Jiya found her asleep, her face lined with sadness even in sleep.  
“I can’t believe she did it.” Mason’s voice startled him and he gave a shrug.  
“I’m not surprised. She’s Lucy and that’s what she does.”   
Mason seemed a little surprised but he only nodded, “Of course she’ll have to work on her landings but Jiya will be relieved not to have to pilot every time.”  
He opened the door to the dark and dank place he called his room. Wyatt was anxious to get the horrid monstrosity of a 19th-century costume off. No matter how many times he jumped he still hated the heavy clothes they had to wear. Lucy and Jiya had it even worse. Of course, Lucy had looked absolutely gorgeous in every single costume ever. He tugged the necktie that Lucy had some sort of fancy name for off and began undressing. There was a little tap on the door and then it opened. It wasn’t the main door but the connecting door between his and Lucy’s rooms normally kept locked.   
He turned his head to find her standing there watching him. She had already changed out of the pale peach dress into her robe, that flowered print one she’d worn in the other bunker so long ago. Her hair curled around her face like a dusty cloud making her look softer than she’d looked in a long time. She’d come because she was worried about nightmares.   
“Hey,” He said. “You did amazing today, ya know?”  
She smiled before saying, “I can’t believe it. I really landed the Lifeboat and not in the middle of the ocean or something.”   
“I didn’t doubt you could do it.” Wyatt encouraged. “You are one damn stubborn woman. You do exactly what you set out to do.”   
“I think that’s a compliment.” Lucy laughed as she came nearer.   
“It’s a compliment, most of the time.” Wyatt glanced down at her. Her eyes met his and her expression changed. Her warm eyes drew almost black and had a dark, almost predatory gleam in them. It almost looked like anger.   
Then she sprang forward in a sudden assault almost pushing him over. Lucy Preston might not weigh much but she had the power to knock him flat and she knew it. He half expected one of her signature hugs, those bone-crushing hugs where she wrapped herself around him with arms like tentacles and held on for dear life. Then she tipped her head and pressed her mouth to his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: We’re really nearing the end here folks and I’m so excited. This story has been a huge labor of love and sometimes I wondered if I would be able to carry out my mission. I wanted to bring all the storylines together and explore the elements that made Future Lyatt who they were.  
> I think this chapter was a bit hotter from Wyatt’s POV lol. Of course, he totally misinterprets Lucy, which seems to be their thing. I wish they would communicate for once in their lives.   
> The whole Flynn/Emma deal is something that’s been bounced around. I gave Flynn the benefit of the doubt and made him not take it. The Flogan scene was one I really enjoyed writing. Wyatt and Flynn actually have a decent conversation and seem to not hate each other for like five minutes. Lol.   
> Also, yes, this ship is sailing. Lucy is a badass girl and she managed to get them home safely. But she also realized how short life is and how she needs to seize the moment before it’s too late.


	26. Chapter 26 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make me drunk with your kisses, my  
> love  
> kiss my lips  
> untangle my hair with your silken fingers  
> explore with you hands the sacred song  
> of the vanilla flower  
> untie the makich anklet  
> remove the shakap belt from my hips  
> naked, I await you…  
> Maria Clara Sharupi Jua
> 
> This chapter definitely leans towards an M rating.

Lucy had been trying to adjust to the changes in her life. It wasn’t easy dealing with everything. She’d resolved to try again with Wyatt. The thought terrified her. She knew they needed to discuss it but her anxiety rose up just thinking about it. She knew he loved her. He’d made it abundantly clear over the nearly two years since he’d confessed it. She was ready to try again. But oh so scared.  
That fear had only magnified when she’d had to save Flynn from Emma’s goons. It was due to her quick thinking that they’d escaped out of the airless closet they’d been thrust into. Lucy had faced down death once again and realized how risky everything actually was. How quickly she could lose people. Every single member of the team could be gone in an instant. And she couldn’t handle that.  
As she sat in the pilot’s chair and prepared to bring them all home she fought back the nauseating panic that threatened to destroy her. She repeated Houdini’s advice to her over and over. Fear isn’t real. The desperation she felt wasn’t real. She was able to do this. The confidence her team felt in her gave her courage. She could survive this. Hands shaking she started the controls and made the jump.   
After checking in on Jiya and Flynn she went to her room. Somehow facing down her fears of piloting and completing her first jump had given her the courage to face something, or someone else. Wyatt. The realizations of how dangerous their lives really were and how quickly they could be pulled apart struck her. For the first time she didn’t want to run to safety. She wanted to grasp whatever they had left. Even if it was a short time she wanted to spend that time with him. Living without regrets. She didn’t want to think that she could have been happy but had been too afraid to try.   
She peeled off her dirty 19th-century dress and corset. She’d finally managed a trick to be able to loosen her own corset and while it wasn’t period correct she doubted anyone would be examining her undergarments. She reached into a drawer and put on a set of very modern lingerie smiling a little wickedly to herself. Then she wrapped her robe around her and rapped on the door between her and Wyatt’s rooms.   
She heard a grunt so she assumed she was allowed to enter. He was taking off his cravat and frowning at the intricate costume. If he had to put up with 19th century female clothes he wouldn’t be complaining. She had to admit he looked good in the period clothes.   
“Hey,” He said. “You did amazing today, ya know?”  
She smiled before saying, “I can’t believe it. I really landed the Lifeboat and not in the middle of the ocean or something.”   
“I didn’t doubt you could do it.” Wyatt encouraged. “You are one damn stubborn woman. You do exactly what you set out to do.”   
“I think that’s a compliment.” Lucy laughed as she came nearer. Her heart was in her throat as she started to contemplate exactly what she was about to do. This was probably the worst way to go about this but she was too afraid she’d chicken out again if she didn’t act quickly.   
“It’s a compliment, most of the time.” His eyes were full of fond amusement at her bossiness. She glanced up at him and met his eyes. Damn, they were so beautiful. A wave of something she could only characterize as pure lust flashed through her. She wanted him so badly. She already had the comfort and security of a relationship. As Jiya had said they were practically married except for the formal papers or the sex. Now, tonight, with the possibility that everything could be gone tomorrow, she needed him.   
She sprang at him the sudden shock of her movement nearly knocking him over. His back hit the edge of the dresser as she wrapped her arms around his neck and tilted her head to press her mouth against his.   
The last time she’d kissed him her senses had been dulled by alcohol and she’d hadn’t really experienced the full effect. Now her body fairly exploded with heat at the first touch. It was a desperate kiss, all teeth, and tongues and their hands were literally everywhere. She scraped her fingernails along his jaw hearing the moan fall into her mouth. His fingers cupped her cheek and then tugged at her loosened hair. She hadn’t figured out she liked having her hair pulled. Things she had pushed aside unable to think about came flooding back. He liked when she kissed him like this, unrestrained and hungry, and let her take the lead. She loved feeling his hands all over her body, mapping her skin like each inch was an undiscovered territory.   
“What are you doing?” He asked a trace of insecurity in his tone. She couldn’t muster up the focus to open her eyes because he was biting softly in the spot between neck and shoulder and that tiny flash of pain made her see stars. She was almost embarrassed about the loudness of her exclamation.  
“Seducing you.” She murmured though she wasn’t sure who was seducing whom right now. She’d started it so she guessed that counted.   
“It’s working.” He panted back as she experimentally tilted her hips to see exactly how well it was working. Very, very well. Her grin disappeared as they dove right back in. She didn’t want him to ever stop kissing her. She didn’t want to ever stop kissing him. She remembered how she felt last time. The exhilaration, which had nearly finished her when it disappeared. If he left her now, for any reason, she didn’t know if she could handle it.  
Lucy felt the familiar fear begin to make its way through her. She faltered as she realized how bold she’d been. The kiss softened to a gentle whisper before she pulled away. She wanted it, so badly it hurt, but she couldn’t help but feel she’d get her heart kicked in again.   
“Lucy,” his voice was so soft and gentle as he stroked her cheek. “I can’t promise you forever. In this line of work, there may not be forever. But I can promise that I will always love you.”   
“Do you love me more than the memories?” The last fear came flooding back. Somehow the ghost of Wyatt’s Jessica haunted her.   
“Yes,” his fingers glided across her cheek before running through her hair. “I love you so much it scares me. Tonight knowing you nearly died. I can’t lose you.”  
“Kiss me,” Lucy ordered. The heat roared back to life at the prompt and eager way he complied. Even though he was the one pushing her towards the bed that she sprawled across in an ungraceful heap of tangled limbs she knew somehow the power was within her. His hand found the tie of her robe and unknotted it, gently pushing the fabric aside. Her thin lingerie, a pale pink scrap of lace and silk, was the only completely frivolous piece of clothing she owned. It reminded her of Amy encouraging her to buy a similar set long ago because “looking sexy to yourself is more important than looking sexy for others.” Lucy had never thought she was sexy. That was Amy’s wheelhouse. She was pretty perhaps, in a classic old fashioned way, but not sexy. She was awkward and nerdy and a little peculiar.   
“Wow…” the muttered exclamation made her heart flutter with something like pride. Maybe it was a little pathetic to be happy she’d just bowled him over with something as simple as a little lingerie but it felt so wonderful to see the way his eyes darkened almost to black while looking at her. Her insecurities were deep-seated, far from being removed with just this, but a little of the nervousness faded. “You weren’t kidding about the seduction part.”  
“No.” she whispered back. He was distracted again kissing her neck and probably leaving a mark but she was far too gone to care. His hands were trailing over every inch of exposed skin and there was a lot. She tried to do a little exploring of her own but her foggy brain registered he was still fully dressed. There was something remarkably hot about her in her ultra modern lingerie and him in his 19th-century suit and the way she still felt in control.   
“Someone isn’t dressed appropriately,” Her voice came out surprisingly strong considering the shudder racking her body at the feel of calloused fingers along her inner thigh.   
“What are you going to do about it?” Lucy could hear the challenge in his voice and smiled. She started unbuttoning his shirt but he made it more difficult by trying to kiss her. She tilted her head away and finished the last button. There was another shirt underneath and she gave a muttered curse of chagrin. Too many clothes. He grinned his wicked smile before saying in a low whisper, “Having a little trouble there, Professor?”  
“Take your damn clothes off.” She ordered. The intricacy of 19th-century men’s clothing was too much for her lust-addled brain and she always was clumsy. She almost lost it when he actually did what she said. She could hear the sound of clothing being hastily removed and she opened her eyes to admire his form. Honestly, it was a little unfair most of the time seeing him so covered up in miles of heavy fabric knowing exactly what he looked like without anything at all. She hauled herself upwards long enough to start kissing his chest. The muscles rippled under her touch the contrast between his prompt obedience to her command and the strength he exhibited sending shockwaves through her.   
His hand sneaked under the fluttery hem of her baby doll and he smiled, “Someone has been working hard.”  
“That’s an impossibly cheesy line, even for you. You’re going to have to up your game, Sweetheart.” She bit out the words as he removed pulled up the flimsy fabric and tossed it to the side. Her lip was worried between her teeth trying to keep herself from making any noise with the sensations flooding around her at the touch of his mouth to her chest.   
“Stop biting that fucking lip.” The unexpectedly harsh words made her shiver but she retaliated by lifting his head and kissing him biting down on his lower lip. He groaned loudly enough she hoped no one else could hear.   
“Someone needs to be quiet.” She whispered. “Now will you be quiet?”   
“You’re making it pretty difficult, Babydoll.” He tugged gently on a strand of hair and it was her turn to gasp.   
“Well, sweetheart, those are the rules.”  
“Yes, ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was one of the early ones I plotted out. I knew they would get here eventually, I just needed to work out the how part. And back then I was working on fixing what I thought was an unfixable situation. Now I’m feeling far more confident that these two can work out their problems in canon.  
> I feel like it is very Lucy like to dive in head first and then suddenly freak out half way through or afterward. She’s still so insecure and that insecurity isn’t going away anytime soon. I mean considering how easily it could all be ripped away I think it’s pretty normal to be afraid. Wyatt is stepping back and letting her set the pace. I think he knows Lucy is scared and needs the comfort of a little control. One of the things I love about their relationship is how balanced it is and how Lucy isn’t afraid to assert herself with him. I think it might end up being a bit of a power struggle in their more intimate moments and that’s kind of fun to see. I’m not writing a smutty story so that won’t be explored in great detail.


	27. Chapter 27 Wyatt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our bed is of sand  
> formed from ancient sediments  
> soft as a rumor  
> Together on this sid  
> Desire fills our voices like flocking birds.  
> Abdullah al Ryami

It was nearly dawn when Wyatt woke up. It was unexpectedly early even for him and his body protested the loss of warmth as he sat up. Lucy…. Where was she? Panic rushed through him as memories of the night before came back. She’d come to his room. They’d had a passionate night together. And now she was gone. At least he thought he hadn’t dreamed it. No, he hadn’t. Her pink lingerie was still in a heap on the floor.   
The last time a woman had woken up and left his bed she'd stolen the Lifeboat and destroyed everything. Panic sliced through him even though he knew Lucy hadn't done anything like that. But the similarities were too poignant. Jessica had left because apparently had hadn't been enough. Not enough to compete with Rittenhouse. Clearly, he couldn't compete with Lucy either. No matter how much he might have hoped last night meant something it hadn't been enough to make her stay the night.  
Hastily dressing he slipped towards the kitchen. A patch of light radiated under the door as he pushed it open. Lucy was standing by the window staring out into the inky blackness of the pre-dawn sky. Her robe was tied tightly around her waist and her hair looked like a mess. He grinned in spite of himself. He’d done a lot to make her hair look like such a mess. It was a good thing no one else was up because she looked wrecked.   
“Lucy,” she turned at the sound of her name. Her eyes were soft but the fear was still there. “Are you ok?”  
Do you regret it? Did it mean anything to you? Her face changed as she stood there. She nodded, “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to get up.”  
“What’s wrong?” He put a tentative hand on her shoulder sighing in relief as she rested her head on his shoulder.  
“I wasn’t too…um…forceful…last night.” Lucy’s face turned the color of ripe tomatoes as she stood there. It was almost amusing considering how bold and unashamed she’d been the night before. It had surprised him how much she’d taken control. Shockingly he hadn’t minded. If anything the sudden role reversal had felt right. It had been mind-blowingly hot to hear her order him in that soft commanding tone.   
“Do you see me complaining? Unless you wore yourself out.” She chuckled and shook her head.  
“I’m not usually like that. I was always…” Lucy hesitated. “I never did things like that. You know?”  
“I have trouble believing that.” Lucy was always going to be the bossy know it all. It didn’t surprise him one bit she liked to keep control even in her more intimate moments.   
“No…” She shook her head. “I mean I always just did what I was supposed to do. Supposed to just go along with things. And that’s what I thought I liked. But not all the time.”   
She was silent a long time, “Sorry I left. I just started panicking. I’ve lost everyone. I resolved never to let anyone else hurt me again. I’ve changed. I know I have. Me just two years ago never would have done any of these things. Piloting, killing, none of that would have happened before.”  
“You have changed.” There was no denying the fact that Lucy had evolved over the course of the few years he’d known her. “But I have never doubted that it’s for the better.”  
“We’re both a bit broken,” her voice when she spoke sounded so sad. “But you understand me. I don’t think you did before. But now…you do.”  
“You don’t have to always be strong. Sometimes you can just cry.”   
Lucy turned and wrapped her arms around him, settling against him with a soft sigh. All he could do was hold her closer, feel the gentle warmth settle into his bones. “I’ll say it. I know I will. I just…I’m afraid to. I told Amy I loved her and she’s gone. I told my mother I loved her, and she’s gone. If I say the words then you’ll be gone too.”  
Wyatt knew she meant them. He could feel it in her voice; in the way she leaned into him and in the way she looked at him. Happiness, an emotion he'd felt so rarely, bubbled up in his chest. A smile forced its way onto his face. She smiled back, a smirk appearing on her face.   
“We didn’t get caught this time.” Her conspiratorial expression turned heated. He tried kissing her but she neatly turned her head. “You haven’t brushed your teeth.”  
“You haven’t started training yet.” He reminded her pulling the coffee cup from her hand and placing it on the table. “Come on.”  
“I had a good training exercise last night.” She said slyly. Her face looked so innocent if he hadn’t been there he’d have sworn all she did was pushups and sit-ups.  
“Sorry, Babydoll. That kind of exercise doesn’t count.” She groaned and rolled her eyes.   
“I’m actually sore this morning.” She grumbled but ran her lips along his throat. She wasn’t seriously upset.   
“I’ll go easy on you, ma’am.” He tugged her towards the training area.   
“You can’t say ma’am to me anymore in public.” She said quite seriously.   
“Why?” He replied attempting to capture her innocent tone.  
"Because you know what it does to me." She couldn't keep up her act and lips quirked up into a little smile.  
“Hmmm…not quite. I think I’ll need further analysis of that point.” Lucy rolled her eyes again.  
“You are such a dork.” Her hand reached up to stroke his jaw. Then she smiled and said, “Come on. Watch me kick your ass.”  
There wasn’t much ass kicking that morning. They both were way too distracted. Lucy somehow managed to get her workout clothes on and her teeth brushed. He should have been ashamed of how he got her off her game with constant, unnecessary touches and whispering directly into her ear but he wasn’t. And she gave as good as she got. He swore she intentionally pressed back against him every chance she got and took advantage of his momentary distraction long enough to tackle him.   
“I got you.” She grinned down at him with such a triumphant smile that getting bested had never been so sweet.   
“Yes, you did.” Somehow his brain was short-circuiting because Lucy Preston was sprawled across him and looking absolutely radiant.   
“What do I get for it?” She replied raising her eyebrows. Oh, she got him and she knew it.  
He sat up without removing his arms from her and dipped his head for a kiss. She responded eagerly, her arms settling around his neck. A flushed and radiant Lucy kissing him like no tomorrow felt glorious. Her smile appeared as she pulled away to breathe. She leaned in again pressing herself closer and tearing a soft exclamation from him. Then a banging filtered through the Lucy induced haze and she rolled away and stood up. He turned away to hide the reaction to her close proximity. They hadn’t talked about it but he supposed they were hiding their nebulous “relationship” from their fellow bunker mates. “Come in. We’re just finishing up.”  
It seemed their fate to get interrupted. She sent him a secret smile before disappearing and he found himself trying to make some kind of breakfast in the horrible rusty kitchen. Wyatt valiantly hoped Emma wasn’t planning on jumping because if she did he’d have to put aside the distracting images of Lucy from the night before. Their first time together had been beautiful. Absolutely radiant and scorching hot. But it hadn't felt real. Perhaps because both of them had felt somehow it would all be snatched away. Somehow it had been based on too many shaky promises and had too many ghosts lingering. The ghosts had been banished. They'd gone through the darkest period and somehow survived. And despite his failures, Lucy Preston had come to him. Somehow her coming to him, putting her fears aside and reaching out, had done more to heal their relationship than any amount of groveling or heroics from him. She'd trusted him and that meant the world.   
If he’d learned more about the two of them together this time it might have been because this time he felt he might be able to keep her. The softly, seductive way she ordered him around, the vision of her wrapped in soft pink lace and the feel of her all hardened muscles and long limbs. It had been gloriously real with the peeling paint on the ugly bunker walls and everydayness of it all. It had been a little bit of a power struggle. But he had to admit he liked bossy, demanding Lucy a lot. There was something about the expression in her eyes, the way she looked like she wanted to possess him, that made him feel as if he’d finally belonged somewhere. With her. Seeing her let go a little, loosen that tightly wound control meant she trusted him. There was no pretense. Nothing to hide behind because Lord knows they already knew each other at their worst. He knew she came apart every night because of the things she’d seen. She knew each and every one of his weaknesses. Somehow they’d put aside all that and just enjoyed the moment.  
Mason came out of the common room looking alarmed, “Wyatt, the Lifeboat failed system maintenance.”   
Dread coursed through him. A failed system maintenance test meant that they couldn’t use the Lifeboat. Which in turn meant they couldn’t chase Rittenhouse. Which meant Rittenhouse won. He found Mason and Jiya frantically working controls and trying to reconnect a collection of wires he’d just recently figured out himself.  
“If only Rufus was hear.” Jiya rubbed at her eyes. “He’d be able to fix this.”  
“How bad is it?” Wyatt asked.  
“Bad. This old ship is more than 100 years old. The…” Wyatt tried following along but Mason’s description was far too detailed for his abilities. The only thing he truly understood was that the Lifeboat was out of commission for some time. And Rittenhouse had full rein to do what they wanted with history.  
“We need all hands on deck.” Wyatt turned towards Mason and Jiya. “We can’t give up.”  
Lucy looked pale and terrified but resolute as she inspected the control panel and began helping Jiya remove the circuit board. Flynn helped Wyatt and Mason remove the central control panel and replace the wiring. Any thought of anything other than working on the Lifeboat disappeared. This was life.  
Three days later they were still working on it. Emma jumped again and panic filtered through them. “We can’t follow after them. They could do anything to history and we wouldn’t know it.” Lucy’s voice echoed through the interior of the Lifeboat. “We have to try to follow.”  
“We can’t. The Lifeboat isn’t safe.” Denise added, “We aren’t going to waste our precious resources on one trip.”  
“I’ll go myself. I just won’t let them win.” Lucy started to replace the circuit board but her hands were shaking so hard that she kept dropping the tiny screws that kept it in place.  
“No, Lucy. You can’t.” Jiya reached out and pulled the circuit board out of Lucy’s hands. “I’m not losing anyone else.”  
Lucy turned to the rest of them. Wyatt had thought she was just bluffing at first. Lucy knew she couldn’t do this. She was still a beginner pilot and this was an absolute suicide mission. Then he saw her eyes. The firm, determined gleam in them. The way she straightened her shoulders and stood tall and determined. She really wanted to do this.   
“No, you aren’t doing this. It’s crazy.” He found himself speaking before he knew it. Having dealt with Lucy for years he knew that wasn’t the way to talk to her. The minute you told her what to do she bucked and did what she wanted even more determinedly but panic was lighting his veins as he realized that Lucy Preston was a force of nature that couldn’t be controlled and somehow she was going to destroy herself.   
“It’s not your decision to make. I’m going.” Lucy grabbed the circuit board from Jiya and finished reattaching it.   
“Then I’m going with you.” Wyatt knew he’d made an impact on her when she turned away and hesitated.  
“No, you’re not.” Denise rapped her hand on the door of the Lifeboat. “Listen to me. I may not be working for Homeland Security anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t intend to keep the same respect I had before. We are going to repair the Lifeboat and then follow after Rittenhouse. Do you hear me?”  
Lucy nodded, her face chastened by the rebuke, “Yes.”  
“Well, then. We’ll get to work.” Denise ordered.  
The hours passed. No one spoke except to request things. Finally three hours later the Lifeboat passed system maintenance. “Well, she’ll run. I don’t know how much longer.” Mason said. He ran a hand down the side of the Lifeboat and sighed.   
"Well, let's go," Lucy announced. She dusted off her hands and hopped inside with surprising grace for someone so clumsy.   
Wyatt still felt furious with her. How could she have been so stupid? If they hadn’t all been by the Lifeboat she would have stolen the damn thing and gone off alone. As they all strapped in Lucy glared at him from her seat across the Lifeboat. Jiya announced, “I can’t promise that this will work. Things could totally go wrong. It’s all a mess.”  
“ Thanks for that encouraging warning.” Flynn quipped. “Well, better than Rittenhouse announcing the 75th Hunger Games, right?”  
They made it. Emma had jumped to 1870's Chicago to the Great Chicago Fire. No one was sure what her game plan was. By the time they got there the fire had already destroyed most of Chicago.  
“I don’t know what she changed already.” Lucy shuddered and pushed back a heavy strand of hair. “The Chicago Fire killed more than 2000 people. Destroyed most of Chicago. It had a huge impact on rebuilding Chicago into the modern city it is now.”  
“Is that the one that the cow supposedly tipped over a lamp?” Jiya asked as they made their way through the throngs of people heading for the lake. This was horribly dangerous. Any moment flames could leap across and kill them all. Wyatt knew somehow that Emma had made the situation much worse. Had she lit the fire herself?  
“No, that was a myth. No one knows exactly how the fire started.” Lucy began.   
Her face paled as she went on. “No, there is a fire that’s destroying the wharf and stockyards. That’s not supposed to happen.”  
“How bad is that?” Jiya asked.  
“Really bad. This will prevent supplies from being shipped in. And also people won’t be able to escape the fire.” Lucy shook her head. “This is so horrible.”  
“I have an idea.” Jiya turned and started running towards the Lifeboat. “I have something that will help.”  
Wyatt took off after her. Jiya still wasn’t 100% after her injury and she needed the backup. Lucy and Flynn were going to try to help whatever people they could. Jiya began rifling through the storage compartment of the Lifeboat until she came upon a fire extinguisher. “This.” She announced triumphantly.  
"Will, that do it?" Wyatt asked. It looked like something you kept in your kitchen.  
“Oh yes, this is special. It will prevent those small blazes Emma set from joining the larger fire.” Jiya started heading back towards the wharf. “It can’t hurt.”  
“No one can see you do that.” Wyatt cautioned.   
Jiya laughed. “You’ve been listening to Lucy too much. No, I won’t.”  
This part of the city was eerily deserted. But people were heading this way escaping the larger blaze. In just a few minutes the two blazes would run together killing untold amounts of people. There was no way to deal with the tragedy of that. Jiya carefully began spraying in a specific pattern. "Where did you learn this?"   
"My uncle is a firefighter. He taught me a lot about fires. With the whole thing in Mason, I studied up on them. Technically every time the Lifeboat lands a risk of fire is raised. Hence why we have this.”   
Finally, a few nail-biting minutes later the fire Emma had set was out. They found Lucy and Flynn helping children and binding up minor burns and cuts. These people needed to run. Wyatt swallowed hard. He’d give anything to have a modern firefighting team on the ground to save these people. That wasn’t an option even if they were going to destroy history. As it was these people were doing the best they could.  
"We better go," Lucy said as they met her. Her eyes were filled with tears. "This just gets harder and harder."  
The Lifeboat made a pulse-pounding sound as they took off. Jiya's muttered curses filled the air as she frantically pushed buttons on the dash. Lucy undid her seatbelt and pushed her way next to her. Together they worked the controls as Wyatt and Flynn watched helplessly.  
So this was how dying felt like? The pressure and nausea built and built but Wyatt fought it. He didn't want his last moments spent like that. Lucy was going to die. Her seatbelt was unfastened and that spelled terrible news. Somehow everything was cloudy due to the weird spinning sensation. They were lost in time.  
“God, if only Rufus was here.” Jiya sobbed.  
“Talk to him.” Lucy murmured. It was impossible. He couldn’t help them. He was dead.   
“Rufus, if you’re up there. Please, give me some advice. Please.” Jiya kept muttering incoherently as she kept pressing buttons.  
Suddenly the Lifeboat gave a tremendous jerk. Lucy started careening backward. Wyatt grabbed her before she hit her head and pulled her towards him. She still leaned awkwardly against him but at least she was somewhat safe. The Lifeboat shuddered to a stop.  
"Never underestimate the power of prayer. Or talking to dead loved ones." Jiya said and despite the humor in her words, her tone was deadly serious.  
“You made it.” Denise pulled open the Lifeboat her face growing alarmed as she saw Lucy wasn’t in her seat. “My god, what am I going to do with you? All of you keep getting injured.”  
"You and me both," Mason announced. "I'm losing my mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Sorry for going MIA for awhile. I was sick all last week and before that I was a trifle depressed because of some of the spoilers and promos for the movie. That was until they released The Pictures. I'm not gonna spoil them for anyone but OMG any Lyatt shipper ever is gonna freak the heck out.   
> Lucy getting up and leaving might seem a tad out of character but I remember how badly she was hurt directly after Hollywoodland. I think it’s natural she would have a freak out since this is the first time they’ve been together since. I do think she will get over it faster. She has slowly been gaining confidence and trust over the years.   
> I also think that the Lifeboat is sure to have some long-term damage from being 100+ years old. So I incorporated some stuff about the Lifeboat going non-functional just to demonstrate that.   
> The Great Chicago Fire in real life killed much less than I have written here. I thought because Rittenhouse was involved and the team couldn’t follow they could kill more. And Lucy wouldn’t know because she’s in the present. I think it’s pretty realistic they would have a fire safety protocol and that Jiya would know it.  
> The moment that they get stuck is a turning point for all of them. For Lucy, it's the moment she finally starts to realize that she needs to proactively search out what she wants not run away. Jiya realizes that her connection to Rufus isn't gone completely. Wyatt realizes that he can't always protect Lucy and the rest. And Flynn is reminded that he still needs his family back. I think this is an important turning point for all of them.


	28. Chapter 28 Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride, so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.  
> Pablo Nerudu

Lucy felt cocooned in a blanket of warmth, every limb deliciously loose and relaxed as she woke up. To be honest she hadn’t slept much but that hadn’t been because of nightmares or pain. She yawned, feeling the stretch of muscles she didn’t normally use. Memories filtered back, flashes of the same pooling desire settling deep in her gut. She glanced over at Wyatt. He looked just as relaxed as she with hair a mess and all the lines on his face wiped away. He looked ridiculously young and boyish.   
She smiled and reached out to touch his face. Perhaps it was still enough to…Her hand froze as she remembered Hollywoodland. She’d felt exactly like this then. Happy, satisfied and confident. Within a day her heart had torn apart. Panic filtered through her. She couldn’t do this. Why had she done this? She’d thrown herself at him. While she had no doubt everything had been consensual that didn’t mean it hadn’t been her idea.   
Stomach churning she sat up. Her companion didn’t even move as she untangled herself from his arms. She must have worn him out. A smirk settled on her face. Then she remembered her controlling behavior the night before and flushed. What if she’d gone too far? Made him uncomfortable but he hadn’t said anything. What if he thought she was some kind of freak?  
Lucy stood up searching through her pile of clothes for her robe lying haphazardly on the floor. She ought to regret the night before. She couldn't. Remembering the soft, adoring look in his eyes as they moved together, the way her name sounded broken out and desperate on his lips and how she’d actually felt beautiful and wanted. Now all she could think of was how terrifying it was.  
She blearily made coffee in the ancient coffee pot and stared out the window at the early morning landscape. A few minutes late he came out fully dressed and looking terrified. She saw the insecurity in his eyes. Awareness filtered through her. She hadn't realized how much time she'd spent remembering the past to the point she’d forgotten he was just as broken, bent and insecure as she was. She’d forgotten he’d said those four magic words to her she still hadn’t managed. She wondered if she could ever say them back. It was so overwhelmingly terrifying.   
“Lucy,” she turned at the sound of her name. “Are you ok?”  
He clearly thought she’d regretted it. And she had treated him like a one night stand, disappearing like this. It wasn’t fair. She nodded, “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to get up.”  
“What’s wrong?” He put a tentative hand on her shoulder and she rested her head against him.   
“I wasn’t too…um…forceful…last night.” Lucy could feel her face flushing. It was incredible how not embarrassed she’d been the night before and how proportionately embarrassed she was today.   
“Do you see me complaining? Unless you wore yourself out.” She glanced up to see him grinning at her, bright eyes twinkling at her. His expression changed, the blue darkening as he leaned over to press a kiss to her temple.   
She was silent a long time, “Sorry I left. I just started panicking. I’ve lost everyone. I resolved never to let anyone else hurt me again. I’ve changed. I know I have. Me just two years ago never would have done any of these things.”  
“You have changed.” She wondered if he was ok with that. “But I have never doubted that it’s for the better.”  
“We’re both a bit broken,” her voice came out way too mournful. “But you understand me. I don’t think you did before. But now…you do.”  
“You don’t have to always be strong. Sometimes you can just cry.”   
Lucy turned and wrapped her arms around him, settling against him with a soft sigh. She loved the feeling of being in his arms, knowing that he had become her safe space. “I’ll say it. I know I will. I just…I’m afraid to. I told Amy I loved her and she’s gone. I told my mother I loved her, and she’s gone. If I say the words then you’ll be gone too.”  
She saw the happiness on his face as she glanced up at him. His eyes had stopped looking so sad and the smile took her breath away. It was rare to see that full-bodied smile, not the gentle reassuring one or the fake charming one.   
“We didn’t get caught this time.” She murmured knowing her traitorous mind had already come up with ways to pass the time. When he tried kissing her she pulled away, “You haven’t brushed your teeth.”  
“You haven’t started training yet.” He reminded her pulling the coffee cup from her hand and placing it on the table. “Come on.”  
“I had a good training exercise last night.” She said slyly. She saw him smirk back at her obviously enjoying her out of character innuendoes.   
“Sorry, Babydoll. That kind of exercise doesn’t count.” She groaned and rolled her eyes.   
“I’m actually sore this morning.” She grumbled but ran her lips along his throat. She knew she could distract him and it felt so good to do so.   
“I’ll go easy on you, ma’am.” He tugged her towards the training area.   
“You can’t say ma’am to me anymore in public.” She said.   
“Why?” He replied attempting to capture her innocent tone.  
"Because you know what it does to me." He did. He had to because he'd said it multiple times the night before. Something about the way he'd just been waiting for her orders at the same time reminding her of exactly how insubordinate he could be made her weak in the knees.  
“Hmmm…not quite. I think I’ll need further analysis of that point.” Lucy rolled her eyes again.  
“You are such a dork.” Her hand reached up to stroke his jaw. Then she smiled and said, “Come on. Watch me kick your ass.”  
Lucy was settling into her morning routine when Jiya stopped in. Lucy saw her wince as she settled on Lucy’s bed. “I’m still in pain. Getting shot hurts.”  
Lucy sat beside her and tried hard to hide the fact that things had changed. Jiya was way too perceptive. But a few minutes later Jiya started laughing. “Someone had a good night.”  
“What?” Lucy knew her playing dumb hadn’t fooled Jiya.  
“You have a mark on your neck.” Jiya reached out to touch it and laughed again.   
That was embarrassing. Like she was a teenager. She could feel her face flush. “Hey, don’t get embarrassed. I’m just glad zombie wife won’t be coming back.” Jiya’s tone made her calm down. She didn’t get all embarrassed.   
“Yeah, well, I’m just still having trouble. You know, saying the words.” Lucy shrugged.   
"Lucy just say them. ‘I love you, Wyatt.' Say it to the mirror. To an empty chair. Just say them. He needs to hear it." Lucy nodded. She knew it was true but that didn't make it easier to say.  
The nightmare with the broken Lifeboat made her a little crazy. The fact that she’d actually considered trying to take the broken Lifeboat to follow Emma by herself made her more than a little ashamed of herself. She’d been thinking of Amy and Jessica being brought back and the idea that any of them could be erased and never even know it. It was selfish. But hearing everyone fight her on it, especially Wyatt made her see red.   
It wasn’t until the Lifeboat was lost in time and she and Jiya were frantically working the controls that she realized just as selfish she’d been. If they died today Wyatt would never know how much she loved him. If she’d taken the Lifeboat by herself both her and the Lifeboat would be destroyed. Time was far too fickle a thing to play with. Those last moments, with only his arms holding her from being flung around the Lifeboat like a rag doll, made her realize how much her fear had destroyed her.   
It hadn't been Jessica's return that had destroyed their relationship. It hadn't even been his actions entirely. It had been their insecurity, their inability to see each other as they really were, their foolish pride and attempts. She'd spent so much time rebuilding those walls that kept her safe that she'd forgotten she wasn't the only one hurting. If anything she'd always assumed he didn't truly love her. That she was a stand-in for Jessica. A second choice.  
After they got out safely Lucy made her way back to the kitchen. Hands shaking she managed to boil water to make tea. The exhaustion of basically no sleep for days settled into her bones combined with the shock and sadness of what had happened. She knew Rittenhouse had changed history during the Chicago fire. She knew they’d nearly died and the Lifeboat was getting more and more dangerous. Her fingers found their way around the mug as she stood there shivering.   
“Am I her?” Lucy didn’t know the words had flown out of her mouth as Flynn walked into the room. She vaguely gestured to the teapot but knew he’d refuse. He hated tea.  
“Who?” he asked  
"The woman in the journal," Lucy replied. The desperate woman who'd traveled along her own timeline to rewrite history. Her history.  
“No, but similar. Trying to go at it alone.” He gave her a weird half smile and turned to retrieve the bottle of milk.  
“Not my finest moment. Even I knew it was stupid.” Lucy confessed.  
"You need to say it. Your journal self never had a chance. That was why she was so bitter and angry. She ran out of time." Lucy shivered and turned away. She nodded.  
“I’m serious, Lucy. Things aren’t exactly easy right now. None of us know how much time we have left. Do you think I would have passed up one more opportunity to tell the people I loved how much I loved them? Lorena and Iris.” She saw the sadness and pain on his face. Lucy nodded watching him soften imperceptibly. Over the years since Rufus had died, he'd gotten more and more focused on bringing back his family. Lucy desperately hoped that finding the formula to bring Rufus back would allow them to get Lorena and Iris back.  
Lucy finished her tea and said, “Thank you. For everything. And for being honest. And not coddling me.”  
“When have I ever?” He shrugged and they both laughed.   
Lucy yawned feeling the exhaustion sink deep into her bones. She wanted to collapse in a heap right there on the floor. She finally stumbled back to her room and undressed hastily. Crawling into bed she lay there in a sleepy haze. A few minutes later the connecting door opened and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Wyatt walk in. She stayed silent hoping he'd come and crawl in beside her. He hesitated. Would he have the courage to reach out to her? Finally, he moved towards the bed. Gently, he moved her back and crawled in beside her. The warmth of his body settled into her bones, soothing the chill feeling despite the heat in the room from the warm spring weather.   
Lying there, wrapped and entangled together she felt more at peace than ever. The sleepy haze disappeared and she opened her eyes. He was looking at her again, that soft expression fully present on his face, and she smiled. It felt right. Reaching out a hand she stroked his face feeling the rough stubble under her fingers. "Wyatt, I love you." She finally said. Shockingly the words came so easily. Like breathing.   
The glitter in his eyes reminded her of how long he’d waited to hear those words. He’d never complained, been shockingly patient for a reckless hothead and had seemed to think that it was an unbelievable honor to have her love. “ Lucy, I love you. So much.”   
She smiled into the kiss feeling the enthusiastic little pecks all over her face and neck. Exultation purled its way through her veins. She clung to him fighting back another yawn. It was an unsuccessful attempt. He laughed at her and then said, “You have terrible timing.”  
“I guess I do.” She replied. “Both of us do.”  
He wrapped an arm around her and held her tightly. “Just sleep, I’ll be there in the morning.”  
For the first time, she actually believed him. Their present was far from perfect. And they were broken lost souls. But it was theirs. They were together. The rest would blow away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really glad this fic is actually finished and I’ve almost posted all of it because there is so much fandom drama and triangle stuff in the promos I’m losing my mojo. I’m also a bit disappointed to find out my Future Lyatt is completely the opposite of the ones in the movie who are apparently not exactly friendly towards each other. Oh well, I will continue to write my characters my way. My suspicion is they changed it to fit the Christmas Carol theme.   
> Lucy finally said it. She finally said those magic words. It’s been such a journey for them these past two years. Them finally putting aside the darkness and pain and embracing each other is really powerful. Regardless of what happens in the movie in terms of these two I still love them. I’m just sad that they have been all but destroyed by a stupid love triangle.


	29. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The magnitude of this happiness-we could not speak but gazed abundantly at each other with eyes full of unshed tears.  
> Lawrence Durrell

Days blended together. The Lifeboat was being held together by toothpicks (not literally but someday perhaps) and missions came and went. History changed. Life grew harder. Death haunted all of them.   
Neither of them did a good job hiding their new relationship. Mason caught them first, making out like teenagers in the kitchen but he only shrugged and said mildly, “Am I interrupting something?”  
Jiya already knew but she didn’t make a big deal. Denise and Michelle weren’t surprised. They probably had thought it had happened long ago. Flynn didn’t say much but from a couple of offhand comments Lucy made Wyatt suspected he had known something. From the journal perhaps. Whatever it was, the fate of journal Lucy was not exactly happy.   
It was pointless to worry about the future. All they had was the moment they had. Sometimes after the danger haunted them, convincing them that death was just around the corner, he’d pull her close and just hold her. Breathe in the scent of her hair and the soft curve of her body as if he’d never experience it again. They’d cling to each other, not even bothering to pretend that they were ok. That life wasn’t unbelievably difficult.   
This evening they’d just gotten out of a huge party in the 1960’s where they were fighting to catch Rittenhouse agents trying to kill General MacNamara. Wyatt had hard time showing sympathy for the man who’d ensured that millions died based on intelligence he knew was faulty. But the evidence he held, that Vietnam had been a war completely unwinnable and unbelievably stupid, was far too dangerous to Rittenhouse. Killing MacNamera would ensure the material never got out. By eliminating him Rittenhouse hoped to cut the paper trail that would be later known as the Pentagon Papers. Ironically sparing their guy Nixon.   
Lucy was wearing an unbelievably sexy dress from the 60’s that hugged her slim body like a second skin. The red and gold dress shimmered softly in the light of the bunker as she came towards him. Her shoes were off and swinging over her shoulder as she moved her face weary but her eyes shining. They’d been successful in their attempts to stop Rittenhouse, something they couldn’t always say. It was a good day. Jiya and Mason were making further updates to the formula to travel along their own timeline. Someday they’d bring Rufus back.   
She moved forward and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her body up against his. Her hair was impossibly big and those wide doe eyes she had looked even bigger with the makeup she’d applied. She tilted her head and their lips met in a long, lingering kiss. They had time and for once the energy to enjoy this moment.   
“I want to do unbelievably dirty things to you in that dress. It’s been torture, watching you, not able to touch you.” He whispered softly in her ear. Wyatt knew she was pleased by the way she shivered softly and pressed closer. Lucy might be bold but she still wasn’t very comfortable using dirty talk. He hadn’t really been much of a talker either but she was such a wordsmith she loved the sound of words flowing into her ears in that tone of voice.   
“Well, then. Let’s see you try to corrupt me.” She whispered back. She was all softness, walls let down. Sometimes she needed to let go, surrender control, and let him bring her pleasure. Those warm dark eyes glowed in the semi darkness. Carefully he lifted her up bridal style and she gave a soft little laugh before wrapping her arms tighter around his neck. She still didn’t weigh all that much but Lucy had a lot of strength packed in that small frame. She could totally escape and run away if she wanted to. But she didn’t.   
The door to their room swung open and he hastily shut it before setting her down on the bed. She smiled up at him, her hair starting to come out of the complicated updo, before slowly, way too slowly for her tastes, stripped that gorgeous dress off of her. She’d learned the art of recklessness and hurry while he’d learned over the years patience. He’d waited to hear her say those four magic words for two years, hoping, even praying to a God that he wasn’t sure he believed in, that he hadn’t messed up beyond all repair. So he could wait a little longer.   
Later, she lay there, sprawled out on the bed with a lazy smile on her face, “People in the past always assume we’re married.”  
“Someday, perhaps, we will be.” Wyatt looked at her to gauge her reaction. She didn’t move. Lucy wasn’t really a believer in marriage. He remembered her saying most marriages ended in divorce so it was better to just not get married.   
“Someday, when we get Rufus back. Can’t have him miss the wedding.” She opened one eye and smiled wider.  
“If I were to propose would you consider it?” He reached out a hand and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.  
“Perhaps. Maybe.” She grinned and kissed him softly. “But who’s to say I won’t propose? Feminism, you know.”  
“I don’t care who says it.” Wyatt grinned back. “So long as the result is the same.”  
“In that case, better start working on the cheesiest, most overbearingly romantic proposal ever.” Lucy ran a hand across his jaw, her fingers unbelievably soft against his skin. She liked that scruffy look and it was easier than shaving anyway.  
“You drive a hard bargain, ma’am.” He pretended to be dismayed by her words.  
“ You love it.” Lucy smirked and rolled over, pressing herself against him and closing her eyes. She was right. He did. She was also right that he was the person who thought up the romantic moments. Lucy was the one who thought they all belonged in books. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve her. He hadn’t done anything. He didn’t deserve her. Not after all the things he’d done to hurt her. But somehow, unbelievably, she was here, lying in his arms, talking about marriage and perfectly content. It was an unbelievable miracle. A second chance he didn’t deserve but somehow got anyway. He’d do his best to live up to it.  
“You’re brooding again.” Lucy looked up her eyes twinkling with humor. He swore she read his mind.   
“I’m just… surprised, that’s all.” He said. Lucy sighed and buried her head against his shoulder again.  
“Don’t be. Somehow, I think this, all of it. Was meant to be. Fate. Something like that. Even the hard stuff. We had to go through that to come out to the other side.” The pillow muffled her voice but the words were clear enough.  
“So you finally believe in fate and love and all that?”  
“I guess. A little.” She confessed.  
“I guess I’m just that good. Convincing you of that.” Her only response was playfully shoving him.   
“For that I’m totally throwing the ring in your face.” She settled herself on top of him and grinned. “But right now I don’t really care about philosophy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: So here it is. The final chapter of this long story. I’ve had so much fun writing it. It was so angsty and difficult but it works out in the end. I love seeing a hint of happy, domestic Lyatt and I have a feeling we will see married/engaged Lyatt in the film. That makes all the angst and love triangle drama worth it. I’ll be continuing to write for this fandom as long as people want to read my stuff. I’ve gotten so much support from all you guys. It’s been amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't be the only one who was incredibly disappointed by certain aspects of the Season 2 character arc mostly for Wyatt. I thought the Jessica arc was incredibly soapy and I hated it. I had hopes that they would avoid horrible cliches but that sadly didn't happen. So I'm forced to take Lyatt on a very difficult and painful journey.  
> I'll stay up front this fic is definitely dark, especially at the beginning. Wyatt is in a very dark place. It could be triggering. I will try to put a trigger warning on chapters that are especially difficult but I would advise caution if you are sensitive. Mental illness is definitely not something to play around with. But I can promise that it will end happily. Also, I apologize for torturing the characters, especially Wyatt. Such is the nature of the material I'm working with.  
> A note on ships: This is a Lyatt fic. If you don't like Lyatt you probably won't like the story. But I did include a few references to Garcy just to keep canon compliant. But this isn't a Garcy story. So don't worry if you don't like that either. I have tried keeping the story in character with the possible exception that Lucy is probably more openly angry than the one in the script/finale. I am kinda tired of martyr Lucy and I think being angry is part of the healing process.


End file.
